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please help me I think I might die soon

Posted , 9 users are following.

chantelle75
chantelle75

Hi guys I really have no idea what to do here.

I realised I was an alcoholic about 3 years ago and turned myself into action for change begging for help.

The same day I had a call from social services saying that the information given to them made concern that I was drinking and they were worried about my children and placed them onto the at risk register.

I was lucky enough to have my father pay for a private rehab and prove to the social services that I was sober and capable of looking after my precious children and I became sober and they were removed from the register.

Since then I have had 3 pretty big lapses, one more spell in private rehab,  after that I went to my doctor and begged for librium and privacy from social services on the condition that I maintain sobriety.

I stopped going to aa as I live in a very small village and I was sexually harassed by 2 separate male members and both attend all meetings.

My current situation is desperation. I'm drinking,  mainly of an evening and trying to disguise this from my girls who are aged 8 and 9 yrs.I'm not drinking huge amounts or even getting drunk as the vomiting stops this. My days are spent indoors scared, alone, frightened of the phone ringing and painting on my poker face for when they get home from school.

They are aware that I am poorly as it i vomit constantly and have dhiaorria every day, my skin is itchy from my head to my toes constantly.

I can't risk going back to the doctors due to the fear of her reporting me to social services and risking losing the only thing I have left in my life.

I'm desperate for a course of librium,  I cannot break my father's heart and tell him I have failed and wasted his money yet again.

I have seen an American site that if I order the librium today can have them delivered to me within 2 weeks,  I'm not even sure I have 2 days I feel so bad. Also I'm not even sure they will be real.

I'm terrified and I don't know what to do 

Any advice please,  should I order the librium?? 

1 like, 63 replies

63 Replies

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  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 chantelle75

    Posted

    Dear chantelle, I am so very glad that you contacted Paul,.. he will be a Great help to you....you have been in my thoughts a lot, you had so little help and suffered so much trauma and a disgraceful !!!! Lack of help... you should HOLD your HEAD up HIGH, you have come so far and you are very obviously an amazing and caring mother....you can. And will. Come out the other side of this, you totally deserve to....

    Please, please take very good care of yourself and your little ones, every. Single person on this forum wish you well, so do not ever, ever worry. What others think,, in my thoughts and prayers, Deirdre xx

  • chantelle75
    chantelle75

    Posted

    Thanks so much guys I really appreciate the support and advice, 

    It's been a long lonely depressing and exhausting year and Im hoping there may be some light at the end of the tunnel.

    I'll be honest and tell you I drank yesterday, not a lot but nevertheless,  it didn't make me feel good or drunk it was depressing from the first sip, I vomited the first 2 and persisted.. Miserably. Im not stupid so I have no idea why I Carry on with behaviour I know is not good for me and will make me miserable and sick,  it's like burning your hand in a fire and keep sticking it back in??? 

    I didn't sleep too well and was awake from 6am

    I have not had a drink so far today although the devil is sitting on my shoulder telling me too.

    I don't feel very good. I don't have much in the house anyway and I will definitely not go to the shop so I'll probably leave it as long as I possibly can and finish off what I have then hope I can resist the temptation to go to the shop tomorrow, I have a children in need children's fun day so that should keep me busy 

    Thanks again to you all

    Trying :-(

    • pmcg21
      pmcg21 chantelle75

      Posted

      hi chantelle, i have read your posts- you should be very proud of yourself- to reach out for help takes courage - you have it in spades- its a hell of a battle you are fighting- you deserve nothing but admiration and respect for what you are doing for yourself and your kids - im a chronic alcoholic so i know how hard a battle it is-  what you have come through , i can only imagine- you dont give up Chantelle- keep fighting- it is not easy- but dont give up - you Will win this fight- stay strong- if you fall you get right back up again- DO NOT GIVE UP CHANTELLE- i will be thinking of you -
  • vickylou
    vickylou chantelle75

    Posted

    Hi Chantelle so good to hear from you. I've been thinking about you. Don't beat yourself up over drinking yesterday, hey it's great that you shared that, another positive step for you. Keep in touch
  • pmcg21
    pmcg21 chantelle75

    Posted

    hi Chantelle can you let us know how you are doing- i hope things are getting better for you - either way let us know Chantelle- you are not alone 
  • vickylou
    vickylou chantelle75

    Posted

    Yes, please get in touch and let us know how you're getting on
  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 chantelle75

    Posted

    Dear chantelle, please let us know how you are feeling. All the people on this forum are very concerned about you and really care..try not to giveup hope, just take every day as it comes and please don't be hard on yourself if you have the odd slip... your children's love for you is endless. And unconditional, always remember that x we are all rooting for you!!Take care, you are in mine and many others thoughts and prayers...sincere and warmest wishes to you. Deirdre x
  • pmcg21
    pmcg21 chantelle75

    Posted

    Chantelle can you check in and let us know how you are doing
  • vickylou
    vickylou chantelle75

    Posted

    Hi Chantelle please let us know how you're doing. Even if it's to say you've been drinking heavily
  • chantelle75
    chantelle75

    Posted

    Hi guys, 

    Sorry for the lack of communication,  

    I spent a few days keeping off it as much as possible,  having 2-3 vodkas before bed, just couldn't let go completely.

    You'll be pleased to know I'm on day 4, alcohol free..And sleep free :-(

    God i feel terrible, I'm drained entirely,  I'm still up from last night,  I've been up and down,  listening to various hypnosis sessions,  drinking herbal team, my mind just won't shut up ( or down) 

    I came very close to caving lastnight and thinking maybe it should just get a half bottle and have a couple,  this didn't leave my head for HOURS, my head was pounding with it. 

    I'm glad I didn't but I really don't feel good at all.

    My only pleasure at the moment is looking at my kids and smiling to myself to say I've got another day under my belt for you babies, but I'm filled with a deep fear, what if I just can't cope tonight and cave,I'm lying awake sweating,  thinking the most bizzare things ever, it's horrible.. Just horrible, 

    I feel very very depressed and angry and edgy.

    I managed to claw my way into a bath with some aromatherapy oils thinking that might help but notice, I don't think I've slept in 3 days,  I'm eating here and there,  obviously not going out.

    Any good advice on sleep.. Also my body itches from scalp to toe,I'm tearing my skin to shreds! 

    Hope you're all managing as well as you can 

    Regards 

    Chantelle xxx

    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 chantelle75

      Posted

      Hello Chantelle, are you taking the medication in the doses advised?

      The sleep thing is normal. Alcohol causes sleep disturbances and it can take up to a month and sometimes more before sleep returns to normal. Stick with it. Your GP may be able to give you something to help.

      You are now past the risk period for physical alcohol withdrawal symptoms so it is just a case of coming down off the medication over the next few days, don't stop it suddenly, reduce over the next few days as suggested.

      The itchy skin is also quite common in alcohol withdrawal and will go away after a few days. I really feel for you on that, it's horrible. Try some calamine lotion on it.

      You are doing brilliantly Chantelle!! Keep telling yourself that all the symptoms you are experiencing are due to the alcohol, so drinking won't be of any longterm benefit. Make sure that you succeed first time so that you don't have to go through this again. Every day that goes by is one day closer to feeling good again!

  • vickylou
    vickylou chantelle75

    Posted

    Great to hear from you Chantelle and really pleased that you've reached day 4. You've done really well to get this far, and deserve loads of praise. I loved you saying "looking at you're babies' happy faces is keeping you going." Hopefully the cravings and itchy skin will improve the longer you remain alcohol free. Don't forget you are going through all this on you own, without detox meds. All the best, and after a week of abstaining, treat yourself to something nice. It doesn't need to be anything expensive, but just something personal to you. When alcohol pops up again, just think of you're treat, it won't be easy, but it does help. I know that from personal experience.. Well done and keep doing one day at a time.
  • pmcg21
    pmcg21 chantelle75

    Posted

    hi Chantelle, good to hear from you congratultions on 4 days - you should be really proud of yourself- i know the WD's are hard to cope with -but hang on in there -it will get better- stay strong -you can do this -
  • gladyslisk
    gladyslisk chantelle75

    Posted

    I too was an alcoholic. I understand you. I would like to share about what i have learned in recovery. Believing in God gives you energy and hope; that everything will be alright. Things will happen and will fall in place, at least we can hope that they will. Understand that faith is accepting the outcomes and fear is thinking you know better. Also knowing that we can not control our past, we should live our present in the way that we would not have to change it when it becomes past. 
    • pmcg21
      pmcg21 gladyslisk

      Posted

      hi gladyslisk - you were an alcoholic ? ? ? i have never yet met an ex-alcoholic- alcoholism is like a puppy at christmas, its for life, you may be in recovery, i truly hope you are -but we that are alcoholics never become ex- i wish it were not so !!!!!!!!!
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 pmcg21

      Posted

      That depends on the view you have pmcg smile AA talks about a person being an 'alcoholic' for life. I don't even use the term 'alcoholic' and there are many people who don't feel that AA's ideas and principles work for them. I know that AA help many people and I would not be negative about them, but people differ and some feel that a different way of looking at alcohol problems is more helpful for them.

      It is clear that people who become physically dependent on alcohol may have no choice but to stop drinking and avoid alcohol forever. However, once they get alcohol out of their life, many prefer to move on and keep their problem back in the past. They don't want to be 'recovering' 35 years after they last had a drink. They want to be 'recovered' as soon as possible. They don't want to subscribe to that way of thinking.

      Whichever way of thinking works best for a person is the best for THEM smile

    • pmcg21
      pmcg21 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      i do not subscribe to any of the teachings or theorys of AA- undoubtedly they have helped many people to get and stay clean / sober- personally i never understood how it works- as for my comments about never being an ex alcoholic- i am basing this on the fact that somebody whom is addicted to alcohol can never drink alcohol like somebody who is not addicted - you cannot (unfortunately) at this point in time be cured of this disease- therefore you are never an ex-alcoholic- my comments are not meant to offend and certainly not influenced by AA who i have little time for personally, i think they are an addiction in themselves with people going to several meetings a day- however it is up to each individual to chose how they want to live there life- just like i would never condem an alcoholic who choses to continue to drink - as to whether someone choses to "move on" from their problem with alcohol that is entirely possible but the fact remains that no matter how long a time period elapses between drinks - you will still be addicted to alcohol- again i say unfortunately, for there is nothing more i would rather be than an ex-alcoholic- i would dearly love to no longer be addicted to alcohol - i have to say i like the way you think outside the box and enjoy our discusions - all the best-
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 pmcg21

      Posted

      Yes smile I agree with a few of your points there. It is about the wording of 'in recovery' rather than 'recovered' that I think a lot of people have an issue with and that originates with AA. Are you still an 'alcoholic' if you no longer drink and are quite happy not drinking? Are you still a 'smoker' or asre you an 'ex-smoker' after years without a cigarette and no desire to have one?

      If you get shot and you are in intensive care on the edge of death for a month, but finally get out of there and fully recover, are you still in danger of dying from a gun shot wound ten years later because somebody else might shoot you or have you recovered and prefer to move on and keep away from people with guns? smile

      It's all about your state of mind, surely smile

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