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please help me I think I might die soon

Posted , 9 users are following.

chantelle75
chantelle75

Hi guys I really have no idea what to do here.

I realised I was an alcoholic about 3 years ago and turned myself into action for change begging for help.

The same day I had a call from social services saying that the information given to them made concern that I was drinking and they were worried about my children and placed them onto the at risk register.

I was lucky enough to have my father pay for a private rehab and prove to the social services that I was sober and capable of looking after my precious children and I became sober and they were removed from the register.

Since then I have had 3 pretty big lapses, one more spell in private rehab,  after that I went to my doctor and begged for librium and privacy from social services on the condition that I maintain sobriety.

I stopped going to aa as I live in a very small village and I was sexually harassed by 2 separate male members and both attend all meetings.

My current situation is desperation. I'm drinking,  mainly of an evening and trying to disguise this from my girls who are aged 8 and 9 yrs.I'm not drinking huge amounts or even getting drunk as the vomiting stops this. My days are spent indoors scared, alone, frightened of the phone ringing and painting on my poker face for when they get home from school.

They are aware that I am poorly as it i vomit constantly and have dhiaorria every day, my skin is itchy from my head to my toes constantly.

I can't risk going back to the doctors due to the fear of her reporting me to social services and risking losing the only thing I have left in my life.

I'm desperate for a course of librium,  I cannot break my father's heart and tell him I have failed and wasted his money yet again.

I have seen an American site that if I order the librium today can have them delivered to me within 2 weeks,  I'm not even sure I have 2 days I feel so bad. Also I'm not even sure they will be real.

I'm terrified and I don't know what to do 

Any advice please,  should I order the librium?? 

1 like, 63 replies

63 Replies

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  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 chantelle75

    Posted

    HI chantelle, very best wishes to you, I am so glad to hear that you are trying your best, very well done, and four days and more is a huge

    Achievement xx we were all worried about you on this forum YOU HAVE

    TRULY TOUCHED OUR HEARTS.......could you visit your doctor and

    Without mentioning alcohol !! Tell him that you feel unwell and could he

    Give you a check up health wise.. you obviously feel under par and you

    Could.. be suffering from anaemia.. no matter what your doctor has

    ( a duty of care ) to you without any form of discrimination... I am sure

    However that your doctor will be kind, considerate, and concerned for

    Your health and welfare....

    You sound an absolutely wonderful mother, do not ever forget or doubt

    That...... please xx

    I attended AA meetings myself, but I found it too intense, however I

    Attended another group called CHALLENGE ALCOHOL, and we became

    Very good friends and support to each other.....

    I also agree with Paul on his view of " an alcoholic for life ". It makes it

    Feel a huge, impossible mountain to climb...... I was a very bad alcoholic

    For ten years ( sectioned four times on a section 3 ) and twice only 2 wks

    From death... I have now been sober for ten years, but I do however have

    A couple of drinks on a Friday,.now after two I could fall asleep, I have

    Thank god!! Lost all my tolerance..

    The way I coped was to think... Ok if I really wanted to have a drink then

    I could have one... I always.. and still do... keep half a bottle of brandy as I could cope easier.. Without the awful, awful, awful panic that I could

    Never ever, EVER DRINK AGAIN....

    I was very lucky in that I had an amazing ( alcohol nurse ) who became a

    Very good close friend... she is a fantastic lady who now oversees

    LIVER TRANSPLANTS (spare ones of course ) for alcoholics at the main

    Birmingham hospital.... she never gave up on me, you need someone

    In the community alcohol service.. that you really trust.. and remember

    You can talk openly. To the Samaritans anytime day or NIGHT..

    Please never ever lose hope, you can and will do it, but please, please

    Get some support... you will be in my thoughts and prayers xxx

    Sorry this was so long... take care and let us know how you are....

    Sincere regards and best wishes to you and your lovely family ..Deirdre xxx

    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 deirdre._03652

      Posted

      I am really pleased to hear that you are able to have a couple of social drinks these days Deirdre smile  I am assuming that you had a decent period of total abstinence before attempting to do controlled drinking. I'm sure a lot of people here would be keen to know how you achieved that because the general view is that, once you have been physically dependent on alcohol you can NEVER drink again without getting back into serious trouble. I have always believed that SOME people can do it and you seem to be a fine example of one who was able to smile
    • deirdre._03652
      deirdre._03652 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      Hi paul,

      I was very lucky that I felt that I really, really , really needed to

      Stop drinking totally.. it really did take ten years BEfore I could

      I could. And did Make a huge, huge Difference to both myself

      And my family

      ... Will tell all more tomorrow...I truly admire and respect your

      Work . Take care of yourself.. Deirdre AKA DEE...xxx

      H

      .

    • deirdre._03652
      deirdre._03652 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      Hi Paul, and all on this excellent forum..

      I had a very severe alcohol problem from the age of 40yrs old, I never really drank at all as I had four children to care for and. Adore... at that time I had a part time job, only an hour and a half.Five days a week. Unfortunately one of the ladies there took an instant dislike to me for no apparent reason.. the situation grew. Worse and worse and my way of coping was to have a drink Every day which surprisingly grew into a full blown and a really. Horrendous addiction...

      As a result of my by then, hopeless addiction I was sectioned. Four times into a mental health HOSPITAL, I had numerous home detox treatments, I was very lucky that I had a wonderful. Doctor, psychologist, and an amazing and very caring andimmensely kind community alcohol service nurse ( who became a very good friend )...

      By this time I felt so ill, I despised myself and I would not even open the front door, and the worst emotion was that I was totally wracked with guilt.... after the last section ( I was held a long time ) I began to feel healthy for the first time in ten years,,, I still had slips and setbacks as the thought of NEVER EVER

      Being able to drink again absolutely terrified me... for the first two or three years I could have cried, screamed and ripped my hair out !!! EVERY TIME I PASSED A PUB..it was truly awful..

      One day I thought, right the ONLY WAY I felt capable of doingthis I to think differently, I bought myself .... a half a bottle of. Brandy....... that was in my possession, and I thought+++ right, if I really, really really want to have a drink then I will and it

      Would not be the end of the world, I would just begin again,which I did more than once...

      Ten years later I still have a half a bottle, and my whole life has.Changed, one of the best things is NOT waking up every day and my first thought being alcohol..... I actually like myself again and I am going to be a grandmother in early April, in my alcoholic. Days, I would have been, and very probably not allowed to hold. My grandson when he arrives.. just because we have a problem, it does NOT mean that we are worth any less than others... never give up trying, I ( I slipped up countless times) and never. Give up HOPE. No matter how's many tries it takes we can and will do it... Every single one of us are unique, we all have different reasons for our problem....

      And ALWAYS remember it is a problem and NOT A FAILURE OR ANY KIND OF FAILING ON OUR PART.... I truly and sincerely wish you all well .

      I consider MYSELF very 'very lucky that once a week I can havetwo or three drinks with my family and friends, and then think. Nothing more of it... I apologize for how long this post is but we. Have to know that we are not alone.. sincerest best wishes to you all... Deirdre xxx

    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 deirdre._03652

      Posted

      I'm sure others will be inspired by your story Deirdre. It is true that people can fail a few times before they finally succeed but many DO succeed in the end.
  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 chantelle75

    Posted

    Dear chantelle,

    How are you, could you please let us all know how you are doing as we all care about you.. this is not just paying lip service to you, we all really do care how you are.. if you don't feel that you are capable or do not really want to talk, then could you just say hello so that we know that you areokay ( or even just one word..Hi )..

    You have been in my thoughts and I am sure many others too.... take care of yourself please, never get despondent, you are your children's

    Whole life and you have bravely come through so very much.... Deirdre x,

    • chantelle75
      chantelle75 deirdre._03652

      Posted

      Hi deirdre 

      Thanks so much for thinking of me, it's nice to know someone does.

      You'll be pleased to know I'm a week free of alcohol now..I'm not sure if this is day 7 or 8 but it's irrelevant, I'm currently not a drinker! 😁 

      I still don't feel good and having terrible trouble sleeping so I suppose thats not helping much, 

      But I'm up and about the house, even getting back into my passion of cooking good food ( I aspire to be a chef)

      My itchy skin is really getting me down and I'm unnecessarily irritable and feel guilty about this.. But.. Each day is a little better 

      Nights are really hard, mainly boredom.

      It doesn't help matters that my sky has been cut off amongst other things as I have had no benefits since August as I failed to attend a medical assessment regarding my mental illness I've had since I was a child in care and my rent is not being paid, but every avenue I've turned to have told me the same thing,  I won't be paid until after I've had a medical and atos are saying it could be up till around March for an appointment.

      The hypnosis cd's are not working but my youngest girl age 8 still sleeps With me (my baby 😘) and I'm finding just cuddling her and listening to her breathe and thinking about how much more useful I'll be to her helps me relax.

      My kids are saving my life to be fair and I feel their love deeply and owe it To them to Be around for them as long As I possibly can.

      Thinking about drinking is not as frequent as before and when it does rear it's ugly Head as morose as it sounds, I look At the kids gorgeous innocent little faces and put myself in they're little shoes and imagine how they'd feel without me and it helps, I wish you could see how sweet and beautiful they Are , you'd probably wonder why I ever touched a drop!

      So... For now and hopefully for a long time To come , I Am a non-drinker 😀 proud..scared..excited a little ....

      Thanks for Your input and for listening 

      Kind Regards 

      Chantelle X 

    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 chantelle75

      Posted

      You are doing brilliantly Chantelle smile

      Sorry to hear that you are being treated so badly by the Benefits people. I really hope you get that sorted soon.

    • chantelle75
      chantelle75 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      Thanks paul much appreciated 

      And yeah I'm having an absolute nightmare with them ( and my landlord)

      I'm don't understand how it can possibly be legal as  I have a perfectly valid reason for not attending which they will not accept and because they have valid sick notes I'm not allowed to claim job seekers allowance so they've said I have just have to wait,  it's driving me nuts but there's nothing I can do about it but wait until they've dealt with all the important people first such as the immigrants etc

      Gotta laugh I suppose.. at least I can't afford to drink 😀 

    • chantelle75
      chantelle75

      Posted

      Hi guys 

      Epic fail 

      Couldn't bare another sleepless night lastnight so bought a bottle and drank half of it last night.  

      Ironically I still did not sleep,  I spent the night on the loo and bleeding profusely from my nose..Still itching to the point of scratching till I bled in several areas.

      I feel disgusting and useless once again.

      Ive had to bite the bullet and book an appointment with the doctor in the hope she will not report me to social services and consider putting me on nalmefene,  although I'm not sure I'll be successful in this as I'm already prescribed valium for mental health issues and morphine ( which I do not take)  for the undiagnosed stomach issues. 

      2.30 pm tomorrow.. Wish me luck.. Sadly.. Terrified.. 

      Chantelle x 

    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 chantelle75

      Posted

      That is not a fail, Chantelle. You say you didn't sleep after drinking. The drinking won't solve the itching either, it will make it worse over time. You need to see this as a blip and carry on as if last night didn't happen.

      Good luck with the GP. I see no reason why the GP would report you to Social Services for acting responsibly and trying to deal with this problem.

  • vickylou
    vickylou chantelle75

    Posted

    Hi chantelle

    Great to hear you're doing so well. What an achievement and without librium. Your itchy skin will soon start to improve which will help with your sleeping.

    you sound a great mum and your kids are motivating you to stay sober. Don't forget about yourself too. Sorry to hear about your benefit problems. Maybe a good idea to make another appointment. I know you don't want the medical assessment, but neither do you want to get into rent arrears.

    dont want to sound patronising, but you are doing well. In my case, sleep took the longest to improve, just hang on in there with the knowledge you've done the hardest part and honestly things will improve.

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 chantelle75

    Posted

    Dear chantelle,

    I am so sorry and so infuriated !! At the CALLOUS way you are being.Treated... IF ONLY THESE HEARTLESS BEAUROCRATS COULD SEE THE PEOPLE THEIR DECISIONS AFFECT...

    PLEASE go to your doctor, your mental health advocate ( they help people.. pro bono ....)

    Go to your nearest citizens advice bureau.. they can help in very many. Ways and are very supportive and sympathetic.. they were marvellous. With our two sons ( mental health problems ) and we could not faultthem in any way.. talk to your local councillor at the town hall.... it is. Absolutely disgraceful that you are being treated like this.. talk to your. Children's teacher at school, they may be able to bring some sort of pressure to bear..

    Please also talk to your father, he would be upset to think of you copingwith all this stress alone.... and a HUGE, HUGE WELL DONE XX to you. For having eight days alcohol free.... you are so in mine and others here. Thoughts. Please try to look after yourself too... hugs to your children and you.. Please keep in touch and keep on at these idiotic civil, ?Service workers, our fingers are all crossed for you.. Deirdre xx

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