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please help me I think I might die soon

Posted , 9 users are following.

chantelle75
chantelle75

Hi guys I really have no idea what to do here.

I realised I was an alcoholic about 3 years ago and turned myself into action for change begging for help.

The same day I had a call from social services saying that the information given to them made concern that I was drinking and they were worried about my children and placed them onto the at risk register.

I was lucky enough to have my father pay for a private rehab and prove to the social services that I was sober and capable of looking after my precious children and I became sober and they were removed from the register.

Since then I have had 3 pretty big lapses, one more spell in private rehab,  after that I went to my doctor and begged for librium and privacy from social services on the condition that I maintain sobriety.

I stopped going to aa as I live in a very small village and I was sexually harassed by 2 separate male members and both attend all meetings.

My current situation is desperation. I'm drinking,  mainly of an evening and trying to disguise this from my girls who are aged 8 and 9 yrs.I'm not drinking huge amounts or even getting drunk as the vomiting stops this. My days are spent indoors scared, alone, frightened of the phone ringing and painting on my poker face for when they get home from school.

They are aware that I am poorly as it i vomit constantly and have dhiaorria every day, my skin is itchy from my head to my toes constantly.

I can't risk going back to the doctors due to the fear of her reporting me to social services and risking losing the only thing I have left in my life.

I'm desperate for a course of librium,  I cannot break my father's heart and tell him I have failed and wasted his money yet again.

I have seen an American site that if I order the librium today can have them delivered to me within 2 weeks,  I'm not even sure I have 2 days I feel so bad. Also I'm not even sure they will be real.

I'm terrified and I don't know what to do 

Any advice please,  should I order the librium?? 

1 like, 63 replies

63 Replies

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  • vickylou
    vickylou chantelle75

    Posted

    Hi Chantelle, first you are neither disgusting or useless. We've all been in your position. The good thing is you've got an appointment with your GP, which shows you've taken positive steps. I know you are nervous and frightened about going, but think how much better you will feel after. I've drunk in the past so I could guarantee sleeping, but the last two binges I had, I couldn't sleep either, it was no longer having the affect it used to. One of the main reasons I stopped drinking was it was making me feel worse with no benefits. It no longer gave me a boost, or helped with sleep. Alcohol sleep is different to natural sleep. OK you might be zonked out with alcohol, but by morning the alcohol has worn off and into a vicious circle which only you can break. Good luck with your GP and let us know how you get on.
  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 chantelle75

    Posted

    Dear chantelle, please, please do NOT beat yourself up for a slip, you are doing really well so do not give up.. I am sure that you doctor will be

    Both helpful and understanding at your appointment tomorrow whenyou tell them just how well you have done and how very hard you are trying... can you also explain the terrible pressure you have been under regarding your benefits situation... there may be some way of interve - Bing on your behalf....

    You must ask for all the help you are entitled to for both your physical good health and as Importantly your and your children's welfare..... youare in need of help and that is ABSOLUTELY nothing to feel a sense offailure on your part..... try your very best not to worry about your appoint ment tomorrow, just be honest you deserve help and it is your entitle - ment... you will be I'm mine ( and I am sure everyone else here ) good. Wishes and thoughts... please let us know how you get on.... take care.And try to sleep well... sincere regards to you... Deirdre xx

  • chantelle75
    chantelle75

    Posted

    Hi guys and thanks again for the MUCH appreciated support,  I mean that sincerely x

    I bit the bullet and confessed to the doctor that I had been drinking again, 

    I played it down a bit so no alarm bells were raised and I told her how deeply unhappy I am and losing the 5 only real friends I have down here in less than 2 years has taken its toll, also the guy in the care home abuse case I was involved in was finally jailed this week so I told her it was all down to these things plus the benefits etc.

    She seemed pretty annoyed as last year I went to her on my knee's and begged and pleaded with her for a librium course and begged her not to report me to social services assuring her that my children were perfectly safe ( which they are,  I don't ever get into a drunken stupor and stagger about the place i just drink until I'm sleepy but obviously it affects them in other ways, I could do more, look fresher for them in the morning etc) they love it when I pretty myself up, Im a glamour model but drinking has put it on hold for the time being.

    She agreed with the condition I have my children's father stay with us and I do it and don't drink again so thats why I've been dubious about going back to tell her I failed.

    I didn't ask for a librium course Is asked for the narafeme but unfortunately she refused because I'm on high doses of valium and morphine for undiagnosed stomach issues ( I don't take the morphine it terrifies me)

    She said that I can't do both together so I said stop the valium and I'll go on the narafeme but she said it will take 5 weeks to reduce the valium and there's no point doing it until after Xmas because she's pretty sure I will be drinking at Xmas.

    She said after Xmas she will begin the reduction of the valium and then start me on the narafeme.

    I told her I was feeling suicidal so 

    She prescribed me some more morphine and sertralene for the depression and prescribed me my monthly 100's of valium which she had already prescribed me yesterday .. .. I kinda got the feeling she's happy with the suicide idea lol

    So all in all not particularly constructive really but maybe the antidepressants may change my horrible mood.

    Im terrified waiting for the phone to ring and it be a social worker but I've thought it through, the school see my children on time every day, spotless, polite, well mannered ,,  the teachers say the same thing every parents evening .. .. We wish we had a school full of children like yours, they are a pleasure to teach. They are in the top groups for everything they do and they enjoy it so I can't see the social services coming up with much reason to take them away from me unless they exaggerate that Im irresponsible for drinking while my children sleep ,,  what if there's a fire bla bla.

    I see kids every day at the school improperly clothed, no coat, bad shoes, messy hair and nits they incessantly pass on to my babies ,,  overweight ,,  underweight, anger issues  unhappy. You can just see when a child comes from an unhappy home, I may have a drinking issue but I know my babies are more than cared for and super loved.

    Anyway , I'm rambling lol

    Going to give the antidepressants and whirl .. .. Has anyone had these before ?? 

    And again .. Try and refrain from drinking 

    I want to be fresh and pretty again for the kids, and I want to be happy 😊 

    Thanks again guys, oh Yeah I will call the c.a.b tomorrow 

    Chantelle x

    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 chantelle75

      Posted

      I am always appalled to hear of attitudes like your GP showed. Who the hell is she to sit in judgment over you? You don't go to your doctor for a telling off, she is there to help you, she is a public servant, not a dictator and many of her patients will have conditions related to their lifestyle.No doubt she enjoys her position of power over people. I wonder how she would have coped with the stuff you have had to deal with.

      I would be tempted to find a more understanding and compassionate GP, if I was in your shoes.

    • chantelle75
      chantelle75 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      It's difficult to find a doctor who would give duty of care let alone sympathy due to the fact that I have the option to be well or choose to drink,  they treat me like I'm a heroin addict sticking needles in myself. If she reports me to social services in will fight her all the way,  she knows full well of my life history because I wrote her a 10 page letter explaining myself and my ' excuses ' call it what you may. I begged her to listen to how i feel and why I do what I do, she never replied to the letter, it was days after my last best friend hung himself and I was not drinking just clinging on a hope to change my mood so that I didn't turn to the bottle. I asked her why she didn't respond to the letter and she told me she had never even seen it, although a locum doctor I spoke to one day I had a leather belt ready to swing from my front door after school run had read it fully.

      I appreciate she did not report me the time I begged for help and support and secrecy from social services but I feel now she is treating me like a worthless junkie 😞

    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 chantelle75

      Posted

      She has no right. She has a duty of care and compassion to all of her patients without the judgmental attitude.
  • vickylou
    vickylou chantelle75

    Posted

    Paul is spot on Chantelle, she should not judge you. Patients should be treated with compassion, regardless of their illness.

    i am not surprised at her attitude though. I saw a locum doctor six months ago as my GP was on leave for two months and I couldn't wait that long. I cudnt understand a word he was saying and had to keep saying pardon. After saying pardon 4 times, he muttered something about hearing aids not being switched on. I tried to explain that I thought I'd become tolerant to trazadone. He didn't listen or let me finish explaining what I'd come for. He then handed me a leaflet about the dangers of alcohol and said there was no point changing my meds as drinking alcohol whilst taking antidepressants was a waste of time as alcohol is a depressant. I was well aware of that, but had not mentioned anything about alcohol. He obviously saw my history on his screen and made his diagnosis without even asking if I was still drinking and basically said I was more or less wasting his time as he had a waiting room full of 'ill' patients who needed his help. I'd booked a double appointment so I wasn't rushed, but was out in 5 mins instead of 20!

    I am certain many people, drs included, hear or see the word alcohol and prejudge you even before you've said a word.

    On the other hand, I've nothing but praise for all the staff who've I met at the substance abuse drop in centre. They treat you as a person, are non judgemental and actually care about you. It's a shame other health workers can't learn from their example. Even two of the receptionists at my surgery look at you like they've trodden in something nasty.

    Sorry for rambling on, but I didn't want you to put yourself down and start thinking there's something wrong with you. Yes, you've got a medical problem requiring treatment/help which is why you went to your GP. Not to be treated like a 2nd class citizen.

    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 vickylou

      Posted

      You may be surprised to know that one of the professions with the highest incidence of alcohol problems is the medical profession, yes doctors

      About ten years ago, I did a talk on behalf of a drug company to a group of about 20 GPs. They had an incentive to attend of, a free bar!!!

      At one point in my talk, I showed them an alcometer, similar to those which the police use on drivers. A couple wanted to try it out and it ended up being passed around. At least HALF of them were over the driving limit and ALL were driving home. They all found it hilarious!!

    • vickylou
      vickylou PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      I've worked for the NHS so am not at all surprised! The number of bottles arriving in December by grateful patients and drug reps were huge and each consultant had them on show in their offices. Hospital staff policy at the time I was there was no alcohol allowed in the workplace and spot checks were carried out on staff lockers and belongings. Also any member of staff suspected of being under the influence of drugs or alcohol would be sent home without pay. Talk about double standards!
  • chantelle75
    chantelle75

    Posted

     I don't feel well guys. I really don't :-(
    • vickylou
      vickylou chantelle75

      Posted

      Chantelle, please come back on the forum and let us know how things are. You know you will get support and advice here. Please take care.
  • nantucket01
    nantucket01 chantelle75

    Posted

    hi chantelle, i am sorryi dont know anything about the medication but i do know that i darnk myself into a institution about 20 years ago and had some for of meds there, 

    2 weeks ago after tests my doctor told me only a quarter of my liver was working so i ahd to go cold turkey and am 4 days in and as you know its horrible, i have more tests this morning but really fancy a drink right now as the morning is my normal starting time, i stopped about 12 years ago with the help of aa for six months and thought i was cured but a week later i was  back to vine or vodca foe breakfast,

    its so hard to keep it fromyour family , i think you must explain to your doctor how desperate you are which is easier said than done cos i didnt tell my doctor cos i was shamed that my drinking had got so bad, i really hope you get the help you need , i have been drinking 3 bottles of wine , small bottle of vodka and some beers all at home, i felt awful for the 1st 3 days than the shakes and panics started to calm but the cravings are still there , have you tried to stop for a day, it seems impossible i know, good luck for the future

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