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Posted , 6 users are following.

Sorry about my last post,, it was ridiculous.

Thing is I have nothing to live for anymore.

I had a heart attack 7 years ago and had a stent fitted in my right coronory artery. Then they discovered I have a AAA in my

stomach so I had another stent fitted in my aeorta. I have severe treatment resistant depression, ocd, and, agrophobia. On top of that I have moderate/severe copd and to top it all I discovered my loving wife of 30 years was having an affair. That really tore me to pieces. I can't leave the house as I get very breathless due to the copd. I can't exercise because I get very breathless with slight exercise. I spend my entire day worrying about anything and everything (ocd and gad ) I take 45mg mirtazapine plus 60mg prozac daily plus 15mg Valium. When I wake up in the mornings I feel like a zombie for about 5 hours. I only sleep 1 night in 4. I also have high blood pressure. So you see. What is the point of living like this

I'm not living, I'm simply existing. To put it bluntly I'm just waiting to die and to be honest it can't come quick enough. And forget about telling the doctor how I feel, I've told him that many times I'm sick of bothering. As he and the physc doc refuse to do anything because they are useless. I told the physc doc he was a waste of space, he wasn't very happy, but sod him.


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  • Posted

    I know this isn't probably the answer you want, but you are perfectly entitled to request a second opinion from new doctors.
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  • Posted

    Heartbleed, this is a road I know only too well - let me walk awhile with you.

    My sister died in January; I was her carer and she my BFF. She died age 58 (I was 56). I'll keep it brief:

    She had very good reason for a lifetime of depression, double-dipping (our term for those periods when depression seems to 'double'; this we shared), scopaphobia, agoraphobia - basically a shut-in. She worked a bit from home...completely within her own control. Despite two fledged kids she brought up herself, she could find no real reason to carry on. Heavy smoker - it was he one 'crutch'.

    She was tiring fast of the fight. Had many plans to kill herself. But a year before she died, she was given the news that she was stage 4 lung cancer; life-expectancy 3-8 months. Completly outta the blue as she had regular check ups.

    Upshot? She no only survived just over a year, but it was the best year of her life! She came to know the Lord (something she'd always shied from), her 4 walls came crashing down and she was free - completely free! She had adventures with her kids, finally found out what love, faith and freedom was all about. I miss her everyday, but I wouldn't have it any other way in hindsight; neither would she! She say the most amazing grace in her own impossible life and even her death was peaceful, painless; she said'I feel peace'.

    Do deny yourself that chance, Heartbleed. And don't think that your pain, your suffering, your life is pointless or worthless.

    As I say to others, wait. Be still. The trouble with disease and pain is it's furious 'noise'. Stop and go somewhere else awhile in your head. It can't hurt and might just distract you a bit.

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  • Posted

    My friend,

    you have touched my heart and I offer you my friendship. When our physical help suffers it so often leads to mental health problems. when loved ones turn their backs on us it can leave us in the darkness, feeling helpless and alone. Well my friend you are not alone, we may be words on a screen but these words are from people who care and we welcome you. We have all been in the darkness, some of us are still on the journey out like myself. You have stopped on your journey but the choice is yours, sit there or get up and move on. We can support you, medication can support you but only you can make your journey. Many things happen to us in life, they have happened, they will not change. However many things can happen and this is yours to decide. In you is strength and spirit and you need help finding them. Some use religion, some meditation, relaxation, CBT or writing, painting and so on. You need to find your tool to help you help yourself. I started my journey using meditation, building a daily routine (small steps) and telling my story. I also use these forums to learn and offer support, it gives me a purpose.

    be strong my friend, you have much yet to give



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  • Posted

    Hi, you are angry and frustrated. I agree with other members seek second opinion. Good luck
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  • Posted

    Oh come on Heartbleed you are feeling mega sorry for yourself.  Ok you don't have it easy but did anyone ever promise life was easy?   I don't recall any such promises in life.   I do feel for you as you have so many health problems as well as with your wife but I know many other people online much worse than you and they still have quality of life.  It all depends on your attitude.

    I don't know whether you are on the copd site here,  if not join and you will receive lots of help and advice on how to cope with your breathlessness.  I have moderate copd but it is largely controlled by meds though I do have many days when I can't go very far coz of sob (short of breath).   Do your inhalers need changing or upping?   Have you asked your doctor to be referred to PR?  (Pulmunory Rehab).   There they will teach you breathing techniques and exercise especially tailored for those with lung problems.  There is also a copd nurse to answer questions.  

    Have you been referred to a consultant?  If not ask for it. 

    I agree to change your doctor is s/he is useless.  You can see any doctor you like you know and if not then change your surgery!  

    I am sorry if this seems harsh HB but you are deep in self pity and it's time you started being proactive about your health. 

    We are here for you my love to help and support you.  Ok?  Bev x

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  • Posted

    Yes, Yes, done it, been there, worn the T-shirt. All I want to do is die. Can't you understand that.


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    • Posted

      I am so very sorry for my previous post. I beg you. Please ignore it.

      I am feeling particularly low at the moment and am not myself at all.


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  • Posted

    Yes I can understand that Heartbleed coz I have been there too you know.   I am sorry if I seemed unsympathetic,  I was just trying to shake you out of your self pity.  I am not saying you are not entitled to self pity which what you have been through and what you are suffering now and I do feel for you my love.  Honestly.  If you want sympathy you can have it in bucketloads but I am not sure it will help you.  

    It is up to you whether you want 'fight'  or 'flight' but I really hope you choose the former.   I did and am grateful for it most of the time.   Just perservere and while it doesn't feel like it right now things usually do improve once you have hit rock bottom.  Now is the time to start fighting - please don't give in.  I am saying this to you because I care. 

    Stay with us here and we will try and help and support you all we can.  We are very caring and do understand where you are coming from.   Take care.  Bev xx


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  • Posted

    Thanks Hypercat and everyone else.

    I'm going to start of by going for short walks, building up to longer walks as my stamina improves.

    It's 03:46 and I can't sleep again.

    This is when I start worrying about nothing and it drives me crazy and more depressed.

    So perhaps by going for walks will at least help me sleep.

    Thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate them

    Best wishes, Heartbleed.

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