Radical Changes to Appearance - Feel Guilty (Trigger Warning: Rape)
Posted , 4 users are following.
Hi guys.
I was sexually assaulted several times in the vicinity of a mirror. As a result, seeing myself looking the way that girl - past me - looked is a trigger. I am radically changing my appearance, but I feel bad about it. I should be ok with me the way I am - and I am ok with me, it's past me that I hate. I have dyed my hair and gotten an extra piercing. Whenever my roots start to show, my reflection starts to trigger me again. It has gotten better; I think just having some rest from it has been good for me.
But I feel guilty for not loving the me that I naturally am. It's weird - I don't know why I should feel guilty about that. Like I violated some crucial Care Bears code or something fundamental that we all learned as children. I do like the piercing - it's one I always wanted.
But I feel guilty for needing it. 
How would you feel?
0 likes, 20 replies
stephen92626 displacerkitten
Posted
Hiya, I'm a male sufferer, and I feel guilty myself sometimes for not having the ""bottle"" to like, "love" myself, after I wish I was never born, or a why me? episode, or a I hate myself day, then I think, I'm a victim, it's not my fault, but I find it hard also feel good about myself, I hate therapy, counselling, they say talking makes it better, it effin doesn't for me, I am worse after the few sessions I had with a psychologist, So if anyone can advise you, I'll be glad to listen in, that's why I've replied so I can join in conversation and hope you don't mind me joining in, I've found that a lot of us who's had a horrific event's', have a lot of same feelings, like this self/hate, I have it regularly, after about 35 years, still suffering, one life,and what a s**t one, I thought it'd ease off as I got older, I'm worse now than ever, and I'm 50 next year, suffering from childhood.Sorry for you, and hope you get good help
displacerkitten stephen92626
Posted
Yeah, please! Join in for the ride! I don't know sometimes if it's scary or heartwarming that so many of us are in the same boat. I know I've posted this like 5 times today, but there are some books that really helped me. They helped me to set boundaries for myself and stop letting people take advantage of me, and they also helped me to forgive myself for the abuse that happened as a child and as an adult. Also, my regular counselor was s**t. I went to a certified TRAUMA therapist, and she changed my life. Idk what they call them in GB, but here in the US, trauma therapists have special certification.
Those Books:
1. 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships - Adelyn Birch
2. Narcissists: Break Free From The Narcissist and Psychopath: Escape Toxic Relationships and Emotional Manipulation - Pamela Kole
3. Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship - Adelyn Birch
petram stephen92626
Posted
stephen92626 displacerkitten
Posted
Thanks a lot, I've not heard of a "trauma therapist" here in the UK, there could be some, I don't know, we need someone who specialises in our sorts of trauma specifically, I think, not an all rounder, I've not been diagnosed, I've been told off Doctors and psychologist that I have symptoms of PTSD, but never diagnosed, I ended up seeing a psychiatrist once for 15 minutes, ""the only person who can diagnose me"", I think, and she listened to me for 15 minutes and sent me to a housing association as I was homeless at the time, and in that 15 minutes how was I supposed to tell her my feelings of terror as a child, that still haunts me after 35 years, and I just can't turn on the right words at anytime to describe how I been and still feeling, this txting and writing is a lot easier for me to say how I feel, it's just hard when I'm F2F with a stranger, and I feel like I'm under pressure, or I won't be believed,that I'm lying, so I'm just used to living a miserable existence, and Im always down, depressed, angry, shameful, guilty, that's a normal day, I'm getting worse, I'm starting to think No-one professionally can do anything, so I've started thinking about self/harming at this age of my life, I really want to hurt, I do think sometimes what is the point, like we've had a good summer in UK, 1st good summer in 20 yrs or so, and I've not been outside only to go to doctors or chemist, and I know there's lots of people like me, and a lot worse than me,I'm finding it harder as I'm getting older, where years ago I thought I'd get better with age, sorry for going on about myself, txting is only way I can let it out.
displacerkitten stephen92626
Posted
Wow - you've really led a hard life! I just Googled "trauma therapist London England" and I get a lot of results. One of the top hits is a PTSD specialist. (lol us Americans just know like 3 cities in the UK, so I went with what I know...) I think you ought to give it a try - there was a world of difference btw my trauma specialist and my therapist. And I actually was pretty impressed with her knowledge of PTSD - you wouldn't think she'd be good bc she was generally specialized in trauma, but it turns out that PTSD overlaps with all kinds of other traumatic disorders, so she was able to kind of deal with the periphery kind of symptoms, which I didn't expect.
sam18386 stephen92626
Posted
I really feel for you Stephen I'm glad you feel what I do that professionals will never listen and why should we bother BUT and it's a big one my counsellor and I really clicked today I think. I was raped twice once at 19 then at 25! 2 different people talk my life away as I knew it. I hate my life. I feel horrible about touch but had it reinforced as of today that this professional will listen. She did today, before today we were on a different page. I have something called Dyspraxia which gives you the self worth of a fly! ER none to be precise. I had to explain that to her but I have left her with a lots of information that she can read. You have to find the right person. They will help you. Mine is in for a shock next time I need to explain details but even though it's scary needs must.
stephen92626 displacerkitten
Posted
Thank you, I'll look into it now, I'm close to Manchester, London is a couple of hundred miles away, but they might have one in my town, now I know thanks to you, , I hope you get the help you need, I hope this"trauma specialist" works out, as I'm aging quick I think, I got diagnosed with moderate arthritis in lower back and both knees about 4-5 yrs ago, so moving around leaves me in pain, then with mental issues, it's like I'm going downstairs steeper every day, that's enough of me, I hope you get real help, the longer it goes on, honestly it takes you deeper, darker, and physically where its harder to come back, I don't know what to come back to, as I don't know what""normal""is. Anyway thank you,
displacerkitten stephen92626
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petram displacerkitten
Posted
hello i have not been online for awhile because i have just relived all of my trauma in the perth courts after 40yrs of suffering i got take two on taking my abuser to court i try back and the courts droped it this time i got justice i have lived with the thoughts of daily suicide flashbacks and horror of what was done to me from the age of 10 thru to 15 so i can fully understand what you are both saying a jury found him guilty but my terror stills rages inside of me no one understands me or is really wanting to listen even the counceller i saw many years ago told me i need to see a sex threapist hows that for helping smell words even tone of words can send me back in a split second i feel guilty that i am alive i feel guilty that i do not even care about myself no one else does so why should i so my thoughts are with you
stephen92626 petram
Posted
I understand that rages, internal anger petram, I've had that for years myself, and it's so hard to keep in, if I can't get the actual baxxard back who messed me up, I can't anyway he's dead, I'd end up hurting someone innocent, so I've always got a bubbling rage, just ready to explode at anytime, but I got to keep control, which I "we" can do, just pity them baxxard couldn't control there selves, it's my first thought on waking, "oh, I'm here another day of this life, and I missed my chance of seeing my "perpetrator" in a hospital bed for 2 weeks before he died,If I'd have known,If I'd have known 20 yrs ago when he was in hospital,I'd still be in prison now, ,They've got, had there kicks, now we just live the misery after, I'm going now cos I'm winding myself up, thinking again, And yh petram, how many of us is there?? I'm not religious, but if there is a God and a Devil, I hope they in a HELL with slow torture for ever.Thats my hello to you.😀. Thanks for replying
petram stephen92626
Posted
here is a couple of things i want you to try no 1 buy a scrap book and coloured pencils when you are full of rage and anger use and uase then after you have had your moments of rage and anger and guilt frustration tear out the pages screw up eaxh page and throw it into a trash can or if you have a open fire place burn it and say to yourself one moment of anger gone never to come back it can words pictures scriobbles what ever but give it a go i have been trying this and it is slowly working one moment at a time it is all i can deal with and maybe for the next hour go for a walk listen to the birds or what ever you have acess to not heavy metal rock that is to depressing and will make you feel worse
please any one reading this try it petram
displacerkitten petram
Posted
I love coloring. It really does help. lol I get really attached to my Mandalas, though, so I just keep backpacks full of them until I finally have to clear them out for my schoolbooks. xD Fidget spinners help, too. I use both of those while I'm in therapy. It helps me get through the difficult stuff that I couldn't otherwise talk about, and keeps me from having panic attacks later.
displacerkitten stephen92626
Posted
It's funny that you said that in your response yesterday, bc last night I just found out that my last witness died. So any chance I have of finding out who perpetrated my childhood abuse (not the assaults and rape that happened as a young adult) just got really low. Just being honest about what happened helped so much. Even if the person is dead, you can still file a police report and/or tell relatives. It makes it so much more satisfying. I think the most important thing I learned during the rape proceedings is that the biggest part of justice is just the right to make the accusation, and let everything come to light. You never know how many other people he hurt.
stephen92626 displacerkitten
Posted
Hiya, I don't know about reporting it now, as it was 35 years ago, and he's dead 20 yrs, he also beat and abused my mam, and in them 20 yrs me and my mam have never mentioned it once to each other, I sometimes look at her even now and think why didn't you leave, and take me with you, but I have to think it's because she was so scared of him aswell., He was a 6ft 20 stone Irish builder, he always had money for booze, I think my mam scraped by, and I been in bed loads of times and heard her screaming from being hit or whatever off him, I never known fear like that since I ran away, I used to try make myself like a little mouse. But soon as I left at 15 I went the opposite way, and went crazy for 20 yrs, now last 5-10 yrs have been bringing it back to me, this might sound silly, or stupid, I'm living alone now, and i get so emotional over tiniest things that I'm crying if someone says "I love you" or similar onTV, I'm either crying or Really angry,all the time
petram stephen92626
Posted