Read this for hope and encouragement - You will get better

To start with some background, I've been on Citalopram twice now. I went through a mental crisis of sorts in 2013, and eventually got on this medication after a long time of trying other things and just waiting. Within some weeks, it slowly brought back the part of my mind I felt was missing for so long (or what felt like so long). Flash forward to this past October 2023, I decided to get off the 20mg I was taking because I thought what I had gone through prior was just a phase, a weird blip in my life that wouldn't be repeated. After going through a short withdrawal period, I thought I was right. But 2 months later, I started getting the same anxiety/panic attacks that I recognized from a decade earlier. Soon enough, I was getting scarily depressed, and knew I had to go back on the medication. I didn't want to because I knew the adjustment would be rough, like I remember it being the first time. But I did it.

Since then, it has been a long road. Longer than I would have thought. I want to make it clear, a lot of people begin to feel normal on this med within weeks. If you are starting out and struggling, know that in a few weeks, you could very well be feeling good. Unfortunately, a lot of us don't experience that. I noticed positive changes along the way, but it was anything but linear. Side effects were terrible. If you're on a similar path, there will be ups and downs. In every down you will be tempted to believe you will never permanently feel better again. It will feel impossible. But just know that your mind is lying, and your view of reality is skewed and not trustworthy. You have felt well before, and you will feel well again. There is so much life outside of the weird reality you find yourself in. Reflecting on those times, it's like I may have well been in a different dimension. You may feel like "maybe this is just who I am now" - but it's not true. I was never truly suicidal, but I had a lot of anxiety surrounding the concept. I was constantly in distress that MAYBE I would become suicidal. It's important to differentiate this from actually wanting to take your life. Either way, it stressed me out to a great degree. If you're in a similar place, this will pass. If you can, ask your doctor for a benzodiazepine to lessen your distress. Lorazepam was sincerely a blessing from God throughout this process.

All in all, I just wanted to come on here to offer hope and assurance to those are going through the hardest time they could have ever imagined right now. This is a traumatic experience, don't invalidate yourself that it's any less. Regardless, you will get to the other side. The process may be slow, but it is sure. Keep a journal and see how the small things turn into big things. Time is your greatest companion in this. These 2 times I've found myself with a severe mental state I don't recognize as 'me' have been easily the hardest times in my life by miles. And those around you might not understand, and they are lucky not to. But I see you, and there are plenty of others who have been through this and can now look back and say "...that was weird." Because this is just a chapter in your long life. These meds work, but they need time, and your body/mind needs time to heal naturally alongside this med. But you will get there, and don't buy into anything different. There's so much more ahead of you. I'm here if anyone has questions or needs encouragement.

Much love, Emma

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