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Read this for hope and encouragement - You will get better

Posted , 17 users are following.

emma1110
emma1110

To start with some background, I've been on Citalopram twice now. I went through a mental crisis of sorts in 2013, and eventually got on this medication after a long time of trying other things and just waiting. Within some weeks, it slowly brought back the part of my mind I felt was missing for so long (or what felt like so long). Flash forward to this past October 2023, I decided to get off the 20mg I was taking because I thought what I had gone through prior was just a phase, a weird blip in my life that wouldn't be repeated. After going through a short withdrawal period, I thought I was right. But 2 months later, I started getting the same anxiety/panic attacks that I recognized from a decade earlier. Soon enough, I was getting scarily depressed, and knew I had to go back on the medication. I didn't want to because I knew the adjustment would be rough, like I remember it being the first time. But I did it.

Since then, it has been a long road. Longer than I would have thought. I want to make it clear, a lot of people begin to feel normal on this med within weeks. If you are starting out and struggling, know that in a few weeks, you could very well be feeling good. Unfortunately, a lot of us don't experience that. I noticed positive changes along the way, but it was anything but linear. Side effects were terrible. If you're on a similar path, there will be ups and downs. In every down you will be tempted to believe you will never permanently feel better again. It will feel impossible. But just know that your mind is lying, and your view of reality is skewed and not trustworthy. You have felt well before, and you will feel well again. There is so much life outside of the weird reality you find yourself in. Reflecting on those times, it's like I may have well been in a different dimension. You may feel like "maybe this is just who I am now" - but it's not true. I was never truly suicidal, but I had a lot of anxiety surrounding the concept. I was constantly in distress that MAYBE I would become suicidal. It's important to differentiate this from actually wanting to take your life. Either way, it stressed me out to a great degree. If you're in a similar place, this will pass. If you can, ask your doctor for a benzodiazepine to lessen your distress. Lorazepam was sincerely a blessing from God throughout this process.

All in all, I just wanted to come on here to offer hope and assurance to those are going through the hardest time they could have ever imagined right now. This is a traumatic experience, don't invalidate yourself that it's any less. Regardless, you will get to the other side. The process may be slow, but it is sure. Keep a journal and see how the small things turn into big things. Time is your greatest companion in this. These 2 times I've found myself with a severe mental state I don't recognize as 'me' have been easily the hardest times in my life by miles. And those around you might not understand, and they are lucky not to. But I see you, and there are plenty of others who have been through this and can now look back and say "...that was weird." Because this is just a chapter in your long life. These meds work, but they need time, and your body/mind needs time to heal naturally alongside this med. But you will get there, and don't buy into anything different. There's so much more ahead of you. I'm here if anyone has questions or needs encouragement.

Much love, Emma

14 likes, 109 replies

109 Replies

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  • Saltire
    Saltire emma1110

    Posted

    Emma.....Bless you. Your post is the sort of wee sound-bite that can, and often does, make a HUGE difference to peoples lives.....even the doctors don't explain stuff like this

    Thank you

    John

    • emma1110
      emma1110 Saltire

      Posted

      I appreciate you saying that. I was hoping it could bless others who are struggling that they WILL find relief and contentment. You're right, doctors aren't going to get into the nitty gritty or be that encouraging most of the time... that's where the right therapist can be a big help.

      Hope you are doing well, and if not, hang in there!

  • Chris1979G
    Chris1979G emma1110

    Edited

    Hi Emma. My story is very similar. Back on cit. and its taking forever to settle. I try to use Lorazepam sparingly. How much and how often did you use it?

    • emma1110
      emma1110 Chris1979G

      Edited

      Hi Chris,

      Definitely takes forever to settle. It's such a test of patience and endurance - but you will get there. I tried to use my lorazepam as sparingly as I could too. I was prescribed .5mg twice a day as needed - in the beginning, I'd take both, then I started only taking one at night. Slowly I started taking .25mg at night (with exceptions for hard days - don't feel bad if that happens, all a part of the process) and did less and less from there. It's good to use sparingly, but don't torture yourself when there's help readily available either. It was a balance I had to learn for sure.

  • tracy76922
    tracy76922 emma1110

    Edited

    This is so helpful thank you so much - im currently having a blip - im 8 weeks in on cit 20mg. The overthinking and overthinking the overthinking is unbearable (also time of the month) I just feel like giving up, every day is such a struggle at the minute. I did have a good week last week and though yay im on the up - but bang its hit me again this week! I will keep reading this to keep my on track - thank you so much!!

    • emma1110
      emma1110 tracy76922

      Edited

      Hi Tracy! You are so welcome. I'm so glad it could encourage you. You will get through this.

      I also read your other post where you mentioned negative thoughts about your husband/relationship - you're definitely not alone in that. Have you heard of ROCD or Relationship Anxiety/OCD? I've struggled with it as well. There's a ton of great online resources to help ease your mind that it's very normal and doesn't mean anything is wrong with your relationship or your husband.

      You've got this!!

    • tracy76922
      tracy76922 emma1110

      Edited

      HI Emma, Oh really that is so reassuring - could you PM any thing that has helped you get passed it? Im at my whits end with it. Did you find it went once you recovered on cit?

      Currently sat at work on the brink of tears and full of anxiety for no reason apart from feeling like this. Im really not sure how you have all got through this, its the worst time of my life - may sound dramatic but im really struggling

      Any help or advice to get through this I really appreciate it! Thank you

    • emma1110
      emma1110 tracy76922

      Edited

      So glad I could reassure you - I will PM you some references that I found helpful!! It's lessened a LOT in the past few months - it was mostly a matter of learning about it and accepting it as normal and not judging myself for it.

      Not dramatic at all - both times I've been through this have been the worst times of my life. Every thing else is child's play in comparison. Let that encourage you though, if you can make it through this (which you will), you can make it through anything 😃

    • tracy76922
      tracy76922 emma1110

      Posted

      Thank you so much Emma, your messages have reassured me so much, its bought me to tears, thank you!

      And thank you for the links, ill be sure to look into it!

      thank you once again xxx

  • jo56870
    jo56870 emma1110

    Edited

    hi how is everyone doing?

    • tracy76922
      tracy76922 jo56870

      Posted

      Hi the last 2 days for me have been better, still the thoughts are in the back of my mind but I feel a little bit more in control of them and not letting them overwhelm me. I strongly believe this is all affected with my cycle too. I have a review on 9th October and will be talking to the Dr about it. Also having a load dose B12 injections next week as I am deficient, hoping this may help too.

      I do feel a bit put back that it seems I need Citalopram for the rest of my life though, its sad I need something to help enjoy life like most other people do. Again this may be the anxiety talking as I wasn't ever bothered by this thought before I stopped them. None of my head thoughts were like this before I stopped them - I need to keep reminding myself of that.

      And as Emma has said I will get better, the thoughts will go as I heal - I need to remember all of this through the blips - Emma I am forever grateful for your messages 😃

      How are you doing Jo?

    • jo56870
      jo56870 tracy76922

      Posted

      hi!

      thats good news you are starting to feel better. i am too bit its very very slow.

      ive been more productive around the house and trying to get on with things even though the thoughts are there.

      im debating moving up to a stronger dose though - im currently on 30mg fluoxetine and thinking of going up to 40mg as i do have ocd tendencies which i have read are more likely to be tackled by 40mg plus.

      what dose are you on and how long are you into taking them now?

      yes thats definitely anxiety talking - and trust me, as part of my job i take note of patients medical history and i would say the majority i speak with are on some form of mental health meds and my role is unrelated to mental health!

      its good that the b12 deficiency has been picked up on that will hopefully help you too!

      jo x

    • tracy76922
      tracy76922 jo56870

      Edited

      Hi

      Glad to hear you are too having a good day and starting to feel better! And yes I have to agree it is a very slow progression with lots of ups and downs along the way. This is my second time on Citalopram and it worked much quicker the first time, which seems a common thing on this group too.

      Ah thats interesting to know, its definitely more common then we know isnt it? During this period I have spoken to lots of people and they too are on some kind of medication - and I never would of thought it! Just goes to prove you never know what people are going through in life, and to just always be kind.

      Im nearly 9 weeks now on Citalopram 20mg, I am for sure better then I was when I first started taking them, but the dips are really hard to manage and cope with, but its reassuring that everyone feels that way while healing. For today, its a good day!!!

      If you feel like going up to a stronger dose as it will help you more, definitely talk to your GP who im sure will support you. We will all get there in the end wont we!

    • emma1110
      emma1110 tracy76922

      Edited

      Yes, thoughts will quiet down as you heal - SO hard to remember through blips. And it's my pleasure!! ❤️

  • nataliya.k
    nataliya.k emma1110

    Edited

    Hi Emma

    its my day 14 on my increase from 20mg fluoxetine to 40mg. So far i had few days with headache, nausea and tiredness. Hope thats as bad as it gets with side effects .!! So hope thats the boost i needed. I am taking 20mg morning and 20mg in evening. My GP also gave me Lorazepam in case of bad anxiety.

    Hope you are doing well

    • emma1110
      emma1110 nataliya.k

      Edited

      Hi Nataliya!

      I'm so happy to hear the side effects aren't too bad - I'm sure that's the worst they'll get since you're a good amount of days out from when you first upped. I'm so glad you also got the lorazepam, it's a life saver. Please keep me updated on your progress!! 😃

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