really worried about my behaviour!Pls someone spk to me????

Hey Babykates,

This is going to be brief as I need to go to work, but I think you are bi-polar. This is what I think from reading what you have wrote and I think you need to get the help for that. You cant carry on that like/this. You deserve to live a normal life, and seeking help for this will give you the best possible chance.

I think if you feel like this you should call some professionals, mental health team. Take that first step at getting help. I know you are desperate for someone to help you on here, comfort you but this is not the place. This forum isnt going to give you what you need. Please .. please get some help for these problems you have.

Its 2010 tomorrow, make a fresh start for yourself.

All the best

Melissa

Hi Meliss-thank you for talking to me. I was really sick again last night. Mind you , it made me feel less guilty about the work situation.

Ive asked people before about that-but I dont seem to get any sense of what is going on? all I know is this , last night I was feeling really anxious and cant understand why Im still here. Even being in this flat...it doesnt feel right. he makes me feel so useless that sometimes I cant move from my chair and I end up stairing and thinking wtfn.

The good news about New Year is its a nice number -even ( i have a thing about odd numbers) anyway, that s the boozing days over-and Im really going to make an effort to be a better mum. Thats all I can do -isnt it?

I think this person in my life has a real hold on me_ i found my letters from the solicitor -kept reading them -and no matter what way you look at it-I wouldnt let my girls be treated in this way! Im giong to get my course work done, clean this flat , watch some good films ( try not to feel anything about this situation -I will get out one day/just im such a stupid cow that Ive spent all my spare money!)Actually, if I get offered anoter place to stay Ill just take it. Ill manage someohow. If I dont get offered a place soon, ill have to go private. Though i am worried about being on my own. I always have been to reliant on ther people and I think thats what gets people like me in these situations.

ENOUGH!!!

Melissa 17, whatever happens, have a great 2010! Im sure it will get better!

i tried to gut my head off with a chainsaw when i was talking this drug it makes you happy one mimuite and sad the next

... brilliant. :?

WELL, thankfully I do not posess a chainsaw , just tons of medication and a toilet! In anyways, a chain saw would be far to painful slow and messy, Id just go for the old fashioned fire arms method, solid and final. If I used a chainsaw Id get through some skin and end up with a blood red carpet and a messy neck, Nop e not my method!

I think that was a bit cheeky, for someone to write that-do you Melissa? They whoever wrote it - trying to be funny-isnt realy funny-its disturbing and like someone taking the complete P I S S .oKAY, bad, been crying not even got to the pill cupboard-dont know what to do now! Told dad last night about work situation-luckily I have a strong dad-he is the only one that gets through to me. Stop it Katy-RELAX! theres always jobs in asda. Hes a great man, amazing really for not only putting up with me, but for having dealt with his own scary life and getting through it. This is terrible though, because I am now comparing my meessy life with his own mum and dad, and I cant hel but think tht his dad was not the innocent man we all think.I cant help it. Im sorry, but hi smum had schiszo and was dissowned by everyone, I was never allowed to meet any of his family , ( according to dad, to protect us) I get that, but at the same time, the more I find, the more I realise, NO, she was ill for some other reason. She abused my dad and his now, god only knows where brother, but she was ill /had been damaged herself. She even watched her own mum get squshed at Govan, squashed to death-sorry but i would have hit the hills too, or bridges or gun powder shots if that had been me.Okay, too much information/Ive said far too much.

Hopefully 2010 will be better, though I cant see that as I cant get out of bed, and I have bank charges pending, meanwhile hes pissed off with my children to his dads. Im really feeling hurt!

Actually, I cant stop crying and been rocking and howling. I rang to wish my baby girl a hapy new year as Ive not seen her. I got her-it meant nothing to her really/its in my head. So then I speak to him...this is what he said\".YOuve done it to yourself darling, youve done it all to yourself\" Wel, im sorry but even the patriotic word\"darling makes my blood boil\"Still shaking and rocking and crying and thinking hes ruining me...but I AM DOING IT TO MYSELF AS iM STILL STUPIDLY HERE!!!!!!!Itd be quicker if smeone would shoot me, but then I think how selfish Im being...I cant die, Ive ny children to think off, and with a father like that, they need me...What am I to do . Even if I try and get my scared head out of here, it looks bad, You get some row from a nurse who decides that im just completelyy pissed, doesnt een take any blodd samples or nothing, No -tut they can smell it off you-true-but why am I doing it???/Im not the imature selfsish person evreyone thinks I am As that is what people think. Its less painful to drink and ITS NOT AS THOUGH i JUST ENJOY IT TOO MUCH, its a protector , its something that helps take away fear, and pain and insecurity. It may be killing me, but I am fdying anyway, as I simply cant get passed my fornt doorIM fed up being judged for it, fed up!!! Then there is the , I am a happier and possibly a bit more stable with it. Actually, I could send my titor here, and state find my essay(lol) Anyway, Hysterical , my cat hates me like this he flings his entire body onto me and bites. Okay, sorry , having a bad effing day!!!!

Thats it! Confirmed! Im moving out! he has no legal rights. hes treated me and my girls like somesort of police cone thats been moved about the road time and time agin. if I could swear my head of on here I would , obviously i cant. But thats it...Ive had it! New year is looking better allready! Perhaps, i should phone the nhs and sign myslef into rehab-( huh!) Then find some good young handsome doctorthat could look after me( god I lill myself (laughing!) sometimes! This man is nothing more than a bad smell on the base of my shoe. Ive wrote about him too much, and need qygen to breathe. enough-done and dusted.Putting my girls first from now on and sod the w orld!

Im not so good! Not planning to get out of bed. been sick again, and then choose to go for the ice cream. Now feeling sicker and (to tell the truth) i dont want to take this stuff anymore! I feel wrecked anyway.

My children are the best!But for some reason I cant shake myself out of this!!!I feel totally inferior!!! Those words. the only words I ever hear\"You did it to yourself , darling\" They make me SICK in every way. I cant even get him arrested for what hes done . Im not planning anything. i think im going to have to ditch my course and find another job. I liked where I was a few weeks back. i was doing okay. i liked my wee partime job, and studying ( from a selfish point) I love my children, but my head is so far down history that It want reach the present Its funny , I found this jacket ) from a previous job_ Has big shoulder pads etc Tried it on and it was massive. Was I really fat a few years ago??? Anywa, Im off back to selfish land.. Hope you people are behaving. i dont see anymore options other than starving myself to death. Everything hurts and I dnot think starvation is linked to wanting to loose wieght . weight issues are not vanity, weight issues happen because your an emotional mess. end off!!!! How many vertically challenged people have you seen dippping into the Ice cream. How many 5ft8 females have you seen with their ribs hanging over their bellies? God, need I go on. Huh , yes, while I joke a little Im horizontally challenged, Indeedy, cant get out of bed haha!

Oh dear-is anyone about? I cant get rid of this nausea, been trying to throw up all day! Whatever this bug is, it makes you appreciate good health!

Please take some advice, you need to come off the citalopram and any other meds your on you can go straight onto atenolol 25mg two in the morning to stop the panic attacks heart racing confusion but these won't muck your head up you only need 50mg in the morning. these wil stop your body producing the chemicals that are making you feel so depresed and give your head a chance to clear and think straight so making you feel more positive and in control. you are NOT bipolar but you do need some support. recreational drugs do mess your head up and drinking you are on a downwood spiral stop it now don't let yourself be put on more drugs that you don't need and end up on a nut ward. drugs and drink just make it worse your just prolonging the pain your causeing yourself and others you feel sorry for yourself well stop it take control just stop it. be patient wait for council place sort your head out and you'll be wondering what the hell was wrong with you. come back to reality. I've been through shit all my life and have helped people through shit too. I've come through it though and so can you my kids are my world and so should yours be why did you have kids if you ain't gonna be a mum. take the advice and stop the self pitty and go to citizans advice make an appointment they can give u advice on your money, housing worries and help with loads of other stuff. no one is going to take u seriously clear your head first stop doing shit take some advice sort your head out what are you waiting for someone to make it all better that don't happen in the real world get some balls take control.

I dont mean to be rude-but how do you know how I treat my children??????????????????? :shock: DO YOU KNOW ME??????? Whoever you are-I know you are right and have the right idea at heart,BUT WHO( EXACTLY)do you think you are?????[b:933f2a7f9d]MY CHIOLDREN DO COME FIRST EVEN IF SOMEONE HAS CREEPED INTO MY BED AND TRIED TO MURDER ME.OK-DO NOT JUDGE ME???????I have no money and it s a long scar scary wait until I get help from the council , especially in this climate> You have no right to think I don not put my children first No right what so ever. In fact , the fact you dont thin kI out them before everything, hurts me. My children are lovely and my main focus is their happinness, NOT LIKE my mothers focus....appearances, intelligence and if you pass her high standards she may have given you a cuddle.

You should not be so quick to judge , sorry and even if you put your children first a) How exactly do you do this??????? B)Theres definitive lines here, how you do that and how I do that are possibly several different things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont mean to upset you either, but I can feel you judging me and no matter what I do or what you have done to other, you have no right You wll never no my full story so just zip it!!!!![/b:933f2a7f9d]

...and another thing citizens advice are crap!!!! They tell you to do this and that...but then are incredibly difficult to get back in touch with.

I wouldnt be taking citalopram if I thought I could manage out my realms of self pity ( which isnt as bad as has been -you have no idea)

Thirdly......my ex is a manipulative two timing git that I dont even have the energy to kill!!!!!! Not that I d want to either( Im sure my children still love him).. They have even said \"we want you to go daddy\" he want leave. Its too comfy for him!!!!!

Have you any idea what it is like trying to hide the facts that I am so impoverished that I cant afford a loaf of bread...Dont tell me to stop self pitying...Yes everyone goes through rubbish (even if it is all your life...I could tell you an incredible story about my family, but really you are so nusy telling me to stop judging so busy telling me about y behaviour -when you have nt got a clue!!! You really do not have a clue ! Are you me? NO! So please please re think what you have said!!! You sound like an opportunist. I think back to how I even conceived my first child and theres something devastatingly awdful about it....and not only that....I was taking advantage off....and not only that...so was my family.......sorry but you make me go crazy!!!!! Whatever crap youve been through I dont care you judged me...My children are beatiful and I give them the best that I can ...anyway the most important thing is their happiness, well being and that they feel loved/ They get all these things..and more..I also have a supportive mum now....who really understands ( only now though-its taken some time and heartbreak to explain) I also have a dad that also helps with the children from time to time...I have family for when things get really tough and they always come first How exactly do you put your children first ?????

I havent calmed down from that yet...I know whoever it was has my best intentions at heart ...and I know I do not want to loose my children. But I am thinking that he may be planning something. Either way, I either end up dead somewhere, or alone without the children.. Ive been to cizensadvice, lawyers, womans aid....Ive nbeen tons of time...and to tell you the truth THEY ARE BLOODY USELESS!!!!!!!!! They can give you a room in the pitts.. Do you whoever you are know how dangerous that is??? Well, do you???? and Im not putting my children in a tiny room with their deperado mother( thats not an option). Plus, theres no money. If I had money, I would take my children and dissapear.Im fed up with everyone at the moment. Im fed up .I cant explain any of it to anyone...and why should I? Im fed up with all those people that say this and that, but yet have no clue they havent a clue. and then I ened up apending a lot of time, especially when my cildren are in bed, wishing I had not survived, either childbirths or my own birth. I wish they had just let me die...theyd allready wrote me off al ready, before I came out screaming ...who are they to say shel ll not live and dish out drugs. I was loaded with drugs from the womb, I have damaged eyes from the so called professionals doing their jobs..sorry, but I am angry...yeah if the so called professionals would do there bloody jobs right, perhaps Id have my aunt, perhaps I could have gone to her for elp, perhaps my sister wouldnt have buggered off, and perhaps I wouldnt feel like such a dissapointment to my family. Whoever that guets ws has no right, Say do this and that....maybe I have no luck, maybe they are better and maybe its as people look at me like I have an IQ of 2 because I cant see properly etc well I can damb well hear things, Loud and clear.. Huh and at my funeral I want the song pplayed\"I will survive4\"

Im supposed to be getting help for my drinking..If my drinking was that bad , how is it that I do more than most mothers about? See, no one has the right to say do this or that, as everyone is different, and If I want to die and I think its for my childrens best interest, than I would go ahead and shoot me But I dont think it is. The only thing I can do is wait for a house.Slip away ( very very quietly, not giving him my address then find a new lawyer) Thats what Im planning. but everytime I think about it, I am crawling the streets, cuddling lamposts slipping on ice.

Im sorry but I have to agree with 'guest' and I know you dont want to hear it but you have to help yourself first. You have too much bitterness inside for your past you need to let it go, its eating you up. You have to look to the future, live your dreams, you're full of self pity, and thats all I ever read. You cannot and will not help yourself. You shouldnt even be on your anti depressants or you cant be taking them properly because they would be working, who am I to judge? I have been through my hell, and taken my tablets, not drunk myself into a stupor and got the help I needed, but alot of it was mind over matter.

Ive lived in a refuge with my daughter, I faught a maniac ex, I moved, never told him where I lived and nearly 3 years later, Its all in my past. I did better for my kids, and I can see it.

Trouble is you come here wanting help, but you dont accept the harsh reality of what people are telling you, you dont accept where you are wrong in this. You live in another world.

Okay-thanks melissa-thats possibly true! Okay is true! Yes, I have bad toothache and guess I took it out on the wrong people. Actually Meliss, youve cheered me up. I just have to think I can get out of this. Youd did, so can I. I just fall down sometimes. Stupid -eh?

Apologies to guest.