really worried about my behaviour!Pls someone spk to me????
Posted , 2 users are following.
Hi there! yesterday i was on cloud nine, you couldnt have tried to lift my head from the heavens!!! I was feeling greatr. Work was fun. Had such a laugh!! ( I thought I was doing just fine!)
decided to take a walk. I got about two streets away from my work. I felt so dizzy and sick I nearly lay down on the ice. I couldnt have cared less. I then had those strong thoughts ( stop it, your a mum -you need to get home, then images of my stalker, then choking and wanting to throw. All the walls statred to move, the ice below my feet was slipppier than ever . my heart was giving a pounding. i started to howl and scream I wantr my mum. I started to cry. Then got so angry, Tryiong to kick the ice in -pretending it was my exs head. Then laughing hysterically ) because how can anyone get in such a state) Couldnt get across the road -asked someone for help . Obviously ( doh!) they ignored me /blanked me, so I did that angry woman thing eff off you .////ow im not a racist or anything like that, but why is it people seem to take what they want and then bugger off. Okay then AMAZING , some really lovely lady even went to the expense of parking her car and walking me to a bus stiop I was amazed, then offered her to ....anyway....Ive not been able to leave the house since. Im so down I was sick last night. Then tried to ring work , but no reply, then fell asleep and woke up at about 2 thiryty this afternoon. I rang work but fear im now going to get the scak. I have no money couldnt afford the bus fare anyway, aI have wardrobes full of clothing but choose to stay in pyjamas. I am crying here there and everywhere, then laughing at how ridiculous my behaviour is. I still have a 300 word essay to do befor the 8 th. i cant see me getting through any of it. I dont even think I should be here. Left to my own devices. Ive never 9 actually that is a lie) but I think this is mania( but no one believes me) . Ive so much debt tooo, that i thin k owe well stuff it-i may get hit by something tomorrow 9 that very likely I normally ened up battered on the kitchen floor , Since 20006 actually) Is it any wondre. but then I realise my lack of responsibility. its bad. I dont mean it. i just cant deal with very nmuch , yet I know im myuch stronger than this. Please please someone help me. no one seems to arounfd or even want to talk to me these daysPLEASE HELP!
iM STILL WAITING ON ACCOMODATION. Im so struggling just to get through. i think about 10 years ago . How I got so close to another family . How I spent so much time with them and I knew then that depp downm I was not a priority. ( Un derstandably!) I cant take anymoreIm about to loose everything. Partner is giving his poweer games. he gave me no money for the childrens christmas Nothing. I felt so guilty for being suchj a piece of shit that I over spent on them I feel guilty for even havong had them and putting them on this planet. and worse still death is pending.I feel so selfish like no one understnads. i actuallly believe no one does understand. I dont want to die, I dont want to have to deal with it though, and Iam so scared of his manipulative games. (As he gave me no money, he has money left over to do things with the children like go tot the movies) Sorry but this makes me gag!Is this noramal . Do all woman just accept and put up with this? Do they? Am I loosing it? Am I ? He seems to carry on beliebving that I am still mentally ill , despute not drinking so much .( well happy new year folks) I dont think I want to see 2010. I think ill go max out my vise. then top myself and believe me I know it takes more than 90 paracetamol. I cant see a way out. Theres no way out!
0 likes, 25 replies
Melissa17
Posted
This is going to be brief as I need to go to work, but I think you are bi-polar. This is what I think from reading what you have wrote and I think you need to get the help for that. You cant carry on that like/this. You deserve to live a normal life, and seeking help for this will give you the best possible chance.
I think if you feel like this you should call some professionals, mental health team. Take that first step at getting help. I know you are desperate for someone to help you on here, comfort you but this is not the place. This forum isnt going to give you what you need. Please .. please get some help for these problems you have.
Its 2010 tomorrow, make a fresh start for yourself.
All the best
Melissa
Guest
Posted
Ive asked people before about that-but I dont seem to get any sense of what is going on? all I know is this , last night I was feeling really anxious and cant understand why Im still here. Even being in this flat...it doesnt feel right. he makes me feel so useless that sometimes I cant move from my chair and I end up stairing and thinking wtfn.
The good news about New Year is its a nice number -even ( i have a thing about odd numbers) anyway, that s the boozing days over-and Im really going to make an effort to be a better mum. Thats all I can do -isnt it?
I think this person in my life has a real hold on me_ i found my letters from the solicitor -kept reading them -and no matter what way you look at it-I wouldnt let my girls be treated in this way! Im giong to get my course work done, clean this flat , watch some good films ( try not to feel anything about this situation -I will get out one day/just im such a stupid cow that Ive spent all my spare money!)Actually, if I get offered anoter place to stay Ill just take it. Ill manage someohow. If I dont get offered a place soon, ill have to go private. Though i am worried about being on my own. I always have been to reliant on ther people and I think thats what gets people like me in these situations.
ENOUGH!!!
Melissa 17, whatever happens, have a great 2010! Im sure it will get better!
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Melissa17
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Guest
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I think that was a bit cheeky, for someone to write that-do you Melissa? They whoever wrote it - trying to be funny-isnt realy funny-its disturbing and like someone taking the complete P I S S .oKAY, bad, been crying not even got to the pill cupboard-dont know what to do now! Told dad last night about work situation-luckily I have a strong dad-he is the only one that gets through to me. Stop it Katy-RELAX! theres always jobs in asda. Hes a great man, amazing really for not only putting up with me, but for having dealt with his own scary life and getting through it. This is terrible though, because I am now comparing my meessy life with his own mum and dad, and I cant hel but think tht his dad was not the innocent man we all think.I cant help it. Im sorry, but hi smum had schiszo and was dissowned by everyone, I was never allowed to meet any of his family , ( according to dad, to protect us) I get that, but at the same time, the more I find, the more I realise, NO, she was ill for some other reason. She abused my dad and his now, god only knows where brother, but she was ill /had been damaged herself. She even watched her own mum get squshed at Govan, squashed to death-sorry but i would have hit the hills too, or bridges or gun powder shots if that had been me.Okay, too much information/Ive said far too much.
Hopefully 2010 will be better, though I cant see that as I cant get out of bed, and I have bank charges pending, meanwhile hes pissed off with my children to his dads. Im really feeling hurt!
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My children are the best!But for some reason I cant shake myself out of this!!!I feel totally inferior!!! Those words. the only words I ever hear\"You did it to yourself , darling\" They make me SICK in every way. I cant even get him arrested for what hes done . Im not planning anything. i think im going to have to ditch my course and find another job. I liked where I was a few weeks back. i was doing okay. i liked my wee partime job, and studying ( from a selfish point) I love my children, but my head is so far down history that It want reach the present Its funny , I found this jacket ) from a previous job_ Has big shoulder pads etc Tried it on and it was massive. Was I really fat a few years ago??? Anywa, Im off back to selfish land.. Hope you people are behaving. i dont see anymore options other than starving myself to death. Everything hurts and I dnot think starvation is linked to wanting to loose wieght . weight issues are not vanity, weight issues happen because your an emotional mess. end off!!!! How many vertically challenged people have you seen dippping into the Ice cream. How many 5ft8 females have you seen with their ribs hanging over their bellies? God, need I go on. Huh , yes, while I joke a little Im horizontally challenged, Indeedy, cant get out of bed haha!
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You should not be so quick to judge , sorry and even if you put your children first a) How exactly do you do this??????? B)Theres definitive lines here, how you do that and how I do that are possibly several different things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont mean to upset you either, but I can feel you judging me and no matter what I do or what you have done to other, you have no right You wll never no my full story so just zip it!!!!![/b:933f2a7f9d]
Guest
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I wouldnt be taking citalopram if I thought I could manage out my realms of self pity ( which isnt as bad as has been -you have no idea)
Thirdly......my ex is a manipulative two timing git that I dont even have the energy to kill!!!!!! Not that I d want to either( Im sure my children still love him).. They have even said \"we want you to go daddy\" he want leave. Its too comfy for him!!!!!
Have you any idea what it is like trying to hide the facts that I am so impoverished that I cant afford a loaf of bread...Dont tell me to stop self pitying...Yes everyone goes through rubbish (even if it is all your life...I could tell you an incredible story about my family, but really you are so nusy telling me to stop judging so busy telling me about y behaviour -when you have nt got a clue!!! You really do not have a clue ! Are you me? NO! So please please re think what you have said!!! You sound like an opportunist. I think back to how I even conceived my first child and theres something devastatingly awdful about it....and not only that....I was taking advantage off....and not only that...so was my family.......sorry but you make me go crazy!!!!! Whatever crap youve been through I dont care you judged me...My children are beatiful and I give them the best that I can ...anyway the most important thing is their happiness, well being and that they feel loved/ They get all these things..and more..I also have a supportive mum now....who really understands ( only now though-its taken some time and heartbreak to explain) I also have a dad that also helps with the children from time to time...I have family for when things get really tough and they always come first How exactly do you put your children first ?????
Guest
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Im supposed to be getting help for my drinking..If my drinking was that bad , how is it that I do more than most mothers about? See, no one has the right to say do this or that, as everyone is different, and If I want to die and I think its for my childrens best interest, than I would go ahead and shoot me But I dont think it is. The only thing I can do is wait for a house.Slip away ( very very quietly, not giving him my address then find a new lawyer) Thats what Im planning. but everytime I think about it, I am crawling the streets, cuddling lamposts slipping on ice.
Melissa17
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Ive lived in a refuge with my daughter, I faught a maniac ex, I moved, never told him where I lived and nearly 3 years later, Its all in my past. I did better for my kids, and I can see it.
Trouble is you come here wanting help, but you dont accept the harsh reality of what people are telling you, you dont accept where you are wrong in this. You live in another world.
Guest
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Apologies to guest.