Refused councelling

Hi Tezi

I'm 32 and have had depression on and off for over half my life. My original gp was useless and I ended up asking to see any of the other gp's in the practice. Depression is an illness and I can't understand why a counsellor would say that you should just accept how you are. thats rubbish. It could be you haven't found the right type of therapy yet - I have had CBT and although some things I worked through no longer cause me the same amount of grief I am still not 'better'. I pushed things with my gp/cmht and am now waiting for my assessment appoint for psycho-dynamic therapy.

I hated the idea of having to take tablets but things were getting much worse a couple of years ago and since I was studying I decided to try them again. I have been on 3 different types since then and various dosages but finally I think they are working. I am able to get through the day and even produce work. Yes it does take a while and can be a bit of trial and error but they can help take.

Please see if you can find someone to talk to - does your work have a confidential phone line - I know mine does, alternatively try one of the other gp's in your practice. Keep posting on here as it can be a great help just to get everything out of your system.

Please look after yourself. Depression is horrible but at least you know you are not alone.

Hans

Hi Hans,

Many thanks for getting back to me much appreciated.

Is your new therapy in the daytime..Problem I'm having is I work in the day and really could do with evening sessions..

But I know thwy don't do that..so unless i quit my job i can't get any help

Tezi x

Hi Tezi

I don't know what time my therapy is at the moment as I don't see them til 13th Nov. At the moment I have a cpn and try and get the earliest appoint possible so don't lose too much time. I do have the advantage of living quite close to where I work. I am an artist in residence at the local uni and although I am self employed I have to be in everyday as a point of contact with the students as well as making my own work (not easy when you feel terrible).

You mentioned earlier about feeling ripped off, have your sessions always been private?? I take it your work doesn't know how you feel etc. It is possible to get help without quitting your job. What therapy have you had - group, individual or both? I found a really good website that listed practitioners in a specific locality - will have another search and let you know.

Keep in touch and try not to lose hope - it will get better

Hans

Hi Hans,

I had several different types of therapy..year's ago i had treatment on the nhs..and but the funding was cut.. then i had some councelling with a charity but recently i saw a private pyschotherapist for 2 years she charged me 20 pound per session..i just felt she wanted the money..I fall out with her after she shouted at me for councelling.

I went to a new charity called 'relate'recently who told me i should accept things as they are..because it's obvious years of therapy hasn't worked..couldnt beleive it..

How do you deal with the dark thoughts?

I feel so low sometimes like empty

Tezi x

Hi Tezi

not sure if this is any good but check out the bacp website - you can search for therapists on there.

i am not sure i can ansa the dark thoughts question at the moment. Have been quite good recently but last few days have been feeling worse again. hard enough to function. Have different ways of coping depending on what type of dark thoughts. knowing from the past that keeping a routine going is very important so i force self to do stuff even all i want to do is curl up in a corner and cry.

not hugely positive today so hope you are fairing better than me

take it easy

hans

Hi Hans,

I know how you feel..sometimes i feel so low I can't be bothered to do anything or talk to anyone..

I'm just tired of feeling so depressed all the time and I'm tired of fighting..this has been going on for too long now

:cry:

x

Hi Tezi

Totally understand the whole going on for too long bit. had a rubbish few days and still not feeling better.

This bout of depression has been going on for 3 years now and I am so fed up of fighting - not just the urges but also for help.

Have you been to see a different gp?

have loads of work to do but can't face any of it, feeling more and more empty as the days go by. still pretending to people that I am fine though. People are noticing how much weight I am losing :oops: they congratulate me, not realising I am severely restricting my food intake cause i hate myself and think I am a fat cow. Doesn't give me any insentive to stop what I am doing really.

Anyway I hope you are doing ok today, hang on in there

Hi Hans,

I know how you must feel as their are times when I do hate myself and my life..I often ask myself why people treat me badly is it something I've done...its hard i know..

I often feel empty and to be honest a lot of the time I can't be arsed to do any work either..i.e today

You must try to eat something hun because you need energy and if your not eating you have no energy and I don't know about you but that makes me feel worse I feel so weak then..

Do you think you could be suffering from anorexia...

I hope you feel better soon hun

Tezi x

Hi Tezi

I have to get work done today, even though I can't face it and the first thing I have done is logged on here so snap on that front.

apparently I don't have anorexia cause I don't fit all the criteria - ie I restrict my food but I don't exercise excessively and am not below a certain level of weight for my height. I guess I might have some prob though, I know I used to. When I was ill first with depression I developed an eating problem where I was taking laxatives and diuretics after everything I ate. I ended up 7 stone something and for someone who is 5'8 it was quite noticeable. I don't think I have had a good relationship with food since then. Have tried pointing out my habits to cpn's/gp but cause I look fine, normal there isn't much they can do. I do force myself to eat as I know I can't run my business totally on empty but it makes me feel SO bad afterwards i want to hurt myself. In fact have spent the last few days almost exclusively thinking of ways to hurt myself.

sorry for all of this, just seems to have come out. Hope your day gets better

Hans x

Its ok hans..its good to talk..we both know that

Do you want to hurt yourself because you don't like yourself..

I use to do that because I felt I was at blame for everything..

It must be so hard for you..I do understand honestly..

I've had depression for the last 20 year's and I'm on 31! I feels like a lifetime of misery..sometimes i feel like there's a constant black cloud over my head..I'm from a asian family so i have cultural problems as well..

Do you not eat because you feel you are going to put on weight hun...Do you like the taste of food..

I'm the opposite hun I comfort eat because I don't care if I put on weight..but afterwards i too feel quilty and don't like how i look...

I'm sorry if i got you into trouble

stay strong

x

Hi Tezi

Blimey 20 years - thats a hell of a long time! Can you remember being happy at all? Have you had any periods when things have been ok?

I blame myself for things going wrong (even if there is no way it could have been my fault) and always assume the worst. I find it hard even to take a compliment. What about you? do you still blame yourself for everything?

Have you ever been on anti-depressants? I hated the idea of taking medication, (when I was first ill they didn't seem to do anything) but they (both the meds and attitudes of drs towards depression) have progressed so much since then that I am glad I made the choice to go back on them. OK so it took a couple of different ones before I found the one that worked but at least I can function reasonably well at my job - without them I couldn't leave my bed half the time.

I don't think I taste food any longer - just eat it as quick as possible before I realise what I am doing. I also comfort eat sometimes which I absolutely hate but just don't care. I then go back to being strict with myself. Does anything seem to trigger your comfort eating?

There must be some help out there for you - Have you tried a different gp to your normal one - they might be more understanding? I hope you don't mind me asking but, I'm curious, do asian attitudes to depression differ greatly from UK/western ones? don't feel you have to ansa that last bit, have some asian friends but have never really talked about it.

Anyway did you manage to get any work done today??

I got into the studio and have put a kiln on as well as a few other things (I am a glass maker) so I feel I have accomplished something. Lets hope I can continue feeling ok when I am on my own - thats when it all begins to slide.

Well take it easy, one day soon I may even have internet at home - then I really won't sleep!!

Hans x

Ian new to this sight and am just glad to be able to see i'm not sufferring alone. I have been on many different AD's for the last 10 years-they never worked and i wasnt offered any other help. I am now taking martazipine(4 months now) and i think it's beginning to work. Iam still off work but can manage to function-and most times actually enjoy my days. This is the only AD that hasn't given me any nasty side effects or affected my sex life!!!! The medicine takes time to work but don't be fobbed off-ask to be referrred to your Community Health Team- i did and i now see a psycholgist weekly and been seen by a psych also.

Hi Kendal,

I'm glad to hear that medication works for you..I've tried medication but it made me feel suicidal..so i left it and i did try different types..

I'm hoping i get to see a councellor soon but my gp is rubbish..its as if you are only taken seriously if you attempt suicide..

I feel so empty and tired today..

Not a good day

Tezi

Hi All

I'm feeling really lost today..i can't stop eating even though i know im full..i know its comfort eating...i dont care about anything anymore

I feel like I'm a walking ghost

Ive been depressed for sooo long its too much now

x

Hi Tezi

sorry it's you had a bad day yesterday and I hope today is better.

I've had an emerg. psychiatrist appoint today - been very bad last few weeks. was really wired and twitchy at appoint and now so totally empty. stupidly forgot my meds for 2 days in a row so totally spaced out at the moment. don't ccare about the amount of work I have to do. i don't care about anything. my assessment for psychotherapy is on hold cause of the state i am in at the moment. going to be prescribed respiridone to help with anxiety and my sleeping. why do i feel so empty? :cry: am so fed up feeling like this. part of me would love to be in hospital so i can give in but also get better. don't think that is going to happen though. stupid cow hans there is no point to struggling on any more. want to give it all up

sorry for a very garbled post - sort of says someting about my head

hope you feeling better today