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Relationships suffering

Posted , 13 users are following.

katharine81627
katharine81627

This condition is so complex and affects so many areas of our lives... Does anyone else find their relationships with their partners suffers because of this condition?

I find I have so little energy, and effort to give at the end of every day. Is it just me?

6 likes, 38 replies

38 Replies

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  • TeresaJS
    TeresaJS katharine81627

    Posted

    Hi Kath, it came to mind that if people can. if you can mabe couples/family therapy would help navigate the storm. At least to mediate the communication. It's very hard on men.. . women are usually the carers not the other way around. Can't give up! Got to get suppot somewhere! T
  • SteV3
    SteV3 katharine81627

    Posted

    Hi Katherine,

    Well, I haven't got Fibromyalgia - but my disorders are very complex, and progressively become worse over the years.

    We've just celebrated our Silver Wedding Anniversary 25 years!! Yeh, we reached that one!! lol  We been together since 1989, I was diagnosed way before then. We went on and had 3 children, 2 boys and a daughter! Yes, I had energy back then.

    We have many, how shall I put it disagreements over the years. We've never got to the point of splitting up, and we always make up anyway.

    As you get older, I found things like standing impossible for just a few seconds, but I suppose it depends on you and your partner and understanding them, and what they can and cannot do. It is not like we want anymore kids at our age, well my age, 52 - my wife is 6 years younger than me.

    Everyone we meet in hospitals for appointments say they never known such a couple that can have a laugh at their patners expense. To be honest, life is to short as they say, I might be disabled in many ways, but we still have a laugh.

    Socializing is another matter, neither of us really do that now - even though, we are giving it another go, but this was because of my doctor's orders! lol

    My brother and his wife and child is another case, they are going through a really messy divorce and both of them are supposed to be reborn again Christians, yet if you met them you wouldn't even think he is my brother!! Everyone is surprised, I don't have much to do with either of them, they are both as bad as one another, and tried to bring me into the divorce, which even includes blackmailing, embezzlement, abuse, etc the list just goes on and on. They been married 14 years just, and even that was a mess - personally, I don't think they were capatible in the first place.

    My wife cares for me 24/7 - she keeps me in order and well looked after, I couldn't wish for anyone better. smile

    Regards,

    Les.

    • Flowerlady
      Flowerlady SteV3

      Posted

      Hi Les, hope you are ok. I can beat you there then, we had our 40th Wedding Anniversary in March. Seems so long ago now, our eldest grandson thinks we are very young grandparents.
  • Angel51
    Angel51 katharine81627

    Posted

    Yes Katherine, me too.... my relationship is becoming more distant and fractured by the minute....I'm at my wits end and sooo depressed...I don't know what to do anymore. We've been together for 26yrs and I've been ill with FM for the last 3-4yrs (although this could be far longer in actuality). I was finally diagnosed Sept 2014. So I completely understand ...as I'm sure others on here will also.

    Just wish I had some pearls of wisdom to impart... unfortunately I don't.

    Well maybe this though.....and that's to keep the communication lines open as much as possible.... whenever possible.

    Am thinking of you and hoping things get a little better, for you both.

    Angie x

  • Redz-Sha
    Redz-Sha katharine81627

    Posted

    Hi Katharine, 

    I'm 46 now found out 5/6 years ago  I had fibromyalgia, but 

    took 10 year before they diagnose me,

     no it not just you   & yes it  did take its toll on my relationship that's Definitely a fact why we split, because I went from a fun loving person who loved to get out and socialise,  to someone who couldnt be bothered /plus in so much pain .... I didn't want him touching me & he took it  that I was rejecting him ......but I found out after I split that I had fibromyalgia!! But to be honest , I wasn't nice to be around at the time....

    I'm now with someone who understand to a certain degree but he thinks when I'm having really bad flare ups ( cos  as we all know no 2 days are the same), 

    he doesn't always understand if I'm tears cos I can no longer take pain or sometimes just nasty/ angry  cos I  can't do things I could use to do( like housework~ could do  whole house in a day, now got to do it over 3 days) also feel to tired or in to much pain to want the intimate side of things  with him....which is very hard on him,  but he say it's nice to cwtch( cuddle) but  another time he may say ....

    Pull yourself together there's a lot of people worse of than you ... Lol calls it tough love, stop feeling sorry for yourself, He read up about conditions which helped him understand a it more

    Now IF I do go out I've got to make sure there's going to be seats Can not stand for long( rather be at home to be honest) he do huff & puff the. Lol, cos I work ( been off for 6 months, but just gone back having to  pretend everything's ok & remind myself to pull myself together in front of people on a regular basis( I'm an hairdresser) is hard ... So when I get home really don't want to do anything

    sending healing hugs your way xx

     

     

  • HOTpicks99
    HOTpicks99 katharine81627

    Posted

    Sorry to hear you are not well and problems with your partner think you need to sit down with him and clear the air let him know exactly what you aregoing through abd how its affecting you and ask him to tell youwhat he feels cards on the ground think thats what the saying is gosh sorry i sound like a therapist dont mean to ive seen it and itsclose to my heart women who are not well and tired and partners not understanding hugs to you xx
  • Trev1264
    Trev1264 katharine81627

    Posted

    Sex never enters my head, when you are ill, sex is your last thought and that's if you ever think of it. People should think about how they feel when they are ill, do they feel that they want sex, no, try being ill every day for seven years and then tell me how you would feel. The worst thing about this illness to me is that it is not terminal, it has ended my life, I used to be very fit, did body building for nearly 20yrs, people said I had a gift, if I did something I was very good at it, that gift has turned into a living nightmare, a good day for me is if I have the energy to get off the settee, have the strength to stand even though it feel's like I have just done a five hundred mile bike ride, my legs have never felt that tired even when I was training them hard. 
    • charlotte1824
      charlotte1824 Trev1264

      Posted

      Thank you for a male perspective, when my man is ill with a cold etc he still wants sex and cant understand why i dont feel the same so its nice to know that THIS condition affects men and woman the same in terms of sex drive.

      Youve also made me feel better as although i always ran around in terms of life i have never been an avid gym bunny and i have been contstantly blaming myself that had i just eaten better or done excercise daily in my earlier years then i wouldnt of ended up like this.

  • katharine81627
    katharine81627

    Posted

    Wishing everyone some rest and sorry to hear all the pain you are suffering... While I do ache, I'm very lucky that I don't have it as bad as you guys... I find the tiredness harder to cope with but doing all I can to stay fairly active (10,000) steps a day at least.

    Sending gentle hugs x

    • Bee70
      Bee70 katharine81627

      Posted

      I can take the pains but the tiredness is difficult. I try to keep myself active too. Its's the lack of sleep due to night sweats and pains that keep me up.

      One day the sleep will happen and the pains will lessen.  My positive and calm way of dealing with my day to day life. One day and moment at a time.

      Gentle hugs to you too.  wink x

    • bronwyn97278
      bronwyn97278 Bee70

      Posted

      Morning Bee, and others; Yes to the night-sweats......they are what get me down, too.....if I can get through the night with not Too much trouble, then I wake up, feeling ok......but when we have those Bad nights (summer/winter)....that's when I really struggle....just find it so hard to keep going  (even hate the thought of the day ahead)......and then each night, dread going to bed , fearing what sort of night I'm going to have....thankfully last night was a goood night.............Bron
    • kaz_40
      kaz_40 katharine81627

      Posted

      Hi Katherine thats good your not in any pain thats an added bonus. its the lack of sleep that is also hard to cope with we all need sleep to help us to function.its just a case of taking baby steps do what we can when we can and dont over do things. just try to relax try keep positive easier said than done but helps if you can. stress worry doesnt help our condition. take care gentle hugs xx
  • anne90395
    anne90395 katharine81627

    Posted

    Hello Katherine,

    What an interesting discussion. I have read peoples post with both sadness and joy. i have recently (last week), split with my partner of 3 years. Diagnosis after 1 year with him. Supportive etc, found out all about it, but still couldn't hack it. He didn't really understand. So hats off to all partners who stick with you.

    Take care, Anne

    • SteV3
      SteV3 anne90395

      Posted

      Hi Anne,

      I guess from a man's point of view, it's harder to take in, I mean emotionally. I been through hell with ups and downs over the years, but all couples have disagreements, I think it must be more to it, from a guys view. I am a guy, I know I can have really bad days, I don't have Fibromyalgia - and my disorders and symptoms are probably much worse.

      My wife and I, both understand my illness is progressively becoming worse, even I have I noticed it and so have my family. But, I have always kept them informed on what to expect. I guess if you have a real good bond with your partner then I cannot see why they have problems understanding, that is my view though.

      Regards,

      Les.

    • kaz_40
      kaz_40 anne90395

      Posted

      Hi Anne90395 I am so sorry to hear that you and your partner have split up. How awful for you just because he couldnt handle your condition that is no excuse to split up from some one because of that. Theirs no excuses in the entire world for behaviour what hes done. It is hard on us our family husbands partners children.But they should be their helping supporting all they can. fibro is difficult for any 1 to understand that includes us.But people can at least try. Im so sorry this has happened to you. I want you to know you have our full support on here. gentle hugs take care xx
    • bronwyn97278
      bronwyn97278 SteV3

      Posted

      Hi Les; yes there are many contributing factors to a "good relationship", and it may not just be the "deal of bonding in the relationship"  ...although that is very important......what I have learned, and after 38 years of marriage, is that people have Personality changes, and these can have been Dormant (hereditary and triggered by a significant incident...or sometimes Just not noted prior).....also there are other relationships that change as time moves through the initial "honeymoon phase" that we all experience, and onto the Deep and Meaningful part of a relationship....and if one, or the other partners, is  not able to adjust (be it their personality or the circumstances that they thought they were gaining from a relationship) to the changes, then, there is a break=down.....and Yes, very heart-breaking for the person left behind.............some couples  just exist, by not admitting to the "let down", or keep quiet in fear of the being left behind.....there are soooooooooo many reasons for Break-downs in relationships, that it is impossible to put a "finger/cause", but ALL are very hard to accept......whether a Complete break-down, or Partial......and most of us who suffer a medical/emotional break-down of our relationsips.....suffer a Partial, have to face this.......I know that I have, and know many others' whose relationships change/suffer/break-down............
    • SteV3
      SteV3 bronwyn97278

      Posted

      Hi Bronwyn,

      You do raise some interesting points - personalities do change over the years, as we grow older we become wiser. That "honeymoon phase" lasted quite awhile with us, but I think it phased out after our last child. Shes 14 now, our first daughter - she has been totally different to bring up than our two boys whom are 20 and 24. She is very demanding, nothing like our two sons. Emotionally, I break down quite often over the slightest thing, whether its anxiety or stress I don't really know. I am under a Psychologist at the moment, whom are tying to find why I have changed like I have lately. No one knows yet if it is medication or medical related. I am always depressed lately, my wife has high blood pressure probably because of me, but that may be me just thinking that, I am always thinking lately I'm a burden on the family, course my wife thinks my Psychologist will be able to help.

      Regards,

      Les.

    • kaz_40
      kaz_40 SteV3

      Posted

      Hi Les sorry to hear your not doing so good at the moment bless you.  we all have our crossess to bare and our daily struggles. their are days when it is just too much to cope with.Like you I feel like a burden on my husband, but he doesnt see it that way. he said if the boot was on the other foot you would be their for me, which is right I would.we all break down at times things just get too much the slightest thing can get us down and reduce us to tears. I would see what the psycologist has to say, you could always talk to your gp about the depression. Your wifes blood pressure wount be because of you.you have us on here to talk to and off load. its hard when youve got alot to cope with. its bound to get you down. like it does with us on here many of us dont just have fibro but other conditions too. all you can do is take a day at a time and get through that day as best you can. take care regards karen
    • bronwyn97278
      bronwyn97278 SteV3

      Posted

      Morning Les;  I think that if we were all true to ourselves, we would all say that we have changed as is the case with eveyone whose circumstances have changed.....whether it be medical, financial or marital.....we all change with our life's experiences.   I also feel, as do many others, that as we were all financial contributors, and now, are not, that this becomes a depressor in itself.....we are all sufeering from some form of depresession....whether it be mild, or severe...and I think that as a male, who is usually the bread-winner, you would be finding it depresseing in that you are not playing this role, now.....and remember, we are all in this state, so please don't let it eat away at you too much.....it's taking one day at a time, and I am sure your family would prefer to have you wioth them, than not be there at all.......Bron

      *

       

    • SteV3
      SteV3 bronwyn97278

      Posted

      Hi Bron,

      Financial... I would not say that, in my case I had an accident a few years before I even met my wife. I was earning good money, doing 16hr shifts and thinking nothing of it, that job meant the world to me, mainly because I had about another 6 months to go, before going to the USA to work, but that was not meant to be in my case. I often sit back and wonder "what if?" - but no one knows what is around the corner, so to speak.

      Me and finance do not get on at all... I used to do all the financial side of things before running us up in to thousands of pounds of debt, the stupid part about it was, I knew there was money in the bank or on a credit card, so if I seen something that caught my eye I'd just buy it. Of course, some of those items were bought on loans, but because my name was in the green, I had no problems with credit checks, etc. I ran up very large debts in very small amounts of time... in the end. I had to stop, I couldn't afford to get more because I could not afford what I had. I counted up all the creditors, all 18 of them in my name and just three in my wifes name, so 21 creditors all wanting to be paid.... we managed for about 6 years, a few i managed to clear - 6 were wrote off this year on medical grounds, because of my disorders are progressively becoming worse, every year more adaptions are being done, they have all helped, and we know who to contact should I require further assistance (not financially!!). At the moment my OT is pushing a DFG through for a Clos-o-mat (bidet) and a riser / decliner chair - these two items are needed because my legs just seizes up in one position, and my wife finds it very difficult to lift me, so do paramedics (I'm 6'2" and about 14 stone), the guy that was doing the statement for the Clos-o-mat asked why we had not had the whole room as a shower room. We have a shower and a bath, i can have a shower but I have to be sat down on the shower chair - we got a bath, with a electric bath lift, only because I cannot get in the bath. But we wanted left as it was, a DFG covers up to £25,000 of alterations per year per property, the Clos-o-mat is £7,000 just on its own, and the Riser / Recliner Chair was £700 but that was done through a company of trustees on a grant.

      If I need a bath I have to ask my wife to get the battery pack, its a unit thats left in the hallway near a plug socket.

      Bathing me, well that takes a good hour - it doesn't help when your legs, ankles and feet are all swollen, a slight touch feels like someone has punched your leg.

      My wife does all the financial things now, it is better that way, she works out everything in advance. We are about to drop our whole TV side of Virginmedia, because they are putting up their prices again! We still got 4 months left on the contract but because they have breached it, we don't have to pay the £160 cancellation fee! So, now we will be looking at alternatives other than Sky.... been with them and they are just as bad for price hiking!

      At the moment I'm not feeling too bad, bungalow is quiet, cats are out and our little dog is asleep. I had all my tablets for the day, and they make me drowsey anyway.

      I better get off here before I headbutt the keyboard and wake myself up too much....lol 

      If you noticed, this happens I have started writing about something then just go entirely off track, part of my problem, sometimes I notice it, other times I don't.

      Anyway, night all...

      Regards,

      Les.

    • bronwyn97278
      bronwyn97278 SteV3

      Posted

      sorry Les;  I was not refering to you and Your financial issues....but financial issues "for all couples", can cause a change in a relationship........when money is good, things can be very rosy....when financial situations change, and there isn't the money for the Holidays/dinners etc....then the relationship can change...........Bron
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