Right this is it!!

God Bless You Orb

Be careful that you haven't set yourself up to fail.

Do you drink everynight?

If so, would it not be better to say you will cut down the amount you drink each night to start off with??? Then once you have achieved this, perhaps try cutting it down to every other night, then every 2 nights etc etc.

Also, remember for each time you achieve your goal to make sure you give yourslef lots of praise :D

Finally, if you fall back one night and have the drink you weren't meant to have please don't tear yourself apart over it. Just get back up and carry on the next day.

Wishing you all the luck - but don't be too hard on yourself - remember - small steps :wink:

Hi Melbi,

I'm upto 6 nights aweek again! Between 5 and 10 units a night! I'm being treated at the alcohol unit and have been for about 4 months now! I've tried everything cutting down, low alcohol stuff mixing my drinks!

Nothing seems to be working. I've tried the softly, soflty approach to this and now i need a damn good kick up the arse!!

I'm no spring chicken anymore :shock: My body is tired and sore because i'm not looking after it properly! I'm sick of feeling abit foggy in the morning! I've bought drink and poured it down my neck even though i dont want it! In my head i need it, i wont be able to relax or sleep without it!

Its getting to the point where i'm getting sick of my own f****** excuses!

(i'm doing alot of swearing today :shock: )

I need to sort myself out! stop asking the same people for help that keep letting me down, and getting upset about it, then i set myself up again.

Out with the old and in with the new! I know it sounds harsh!

Right getting worked up again!lol I'm gonna stay sober for a week and then gonna find out who been spreading s*** about me at work and shove a cheese stick up their nose! :evil:

The orb fairy

Oh Orb, it makes me so mad when colleageaus do that.

When I went back to work a couple of my colleagues avoided me like the plague until in the end I walked right up to them while they were stood together and said: 'oh sorry, I think I've come to the wrong place, I was looking for the mental institution'. I thenjust walked off leaving them stood there mouths wide open and totally gobsmacked.

A couple of days later one ot them approached me and apologised admitting she had just felt like she wasn't really sure how to approach me since my return.

I told her not to worry and ensured her that I'm quite sane but should she ever see me turning a weird colour or growing a couple of horns out of my head then that is the time she needs to ring a mental insititution and aks for at least 6 people to get here ASAP and not to forget the straight jacket and a shot of strong tranquiliser.

Result: She burst into a fit of laughter, apologised again then hugged me.

Conclusion here is: It is they that are ignorant and frightened of the unknown. Like when somone dies, people find it very awkard as to how to treat the person left behind or their direct family.

Now, errmmmmm after 2 or 3 weeks of feeling my own demon making a return, and my constant denial or fight against it, I lost my strength a couple of days ago. Yesterday I started back on my seroxat. Today woke and felt okay for about 3 minutes then that dark, heavy feeling returned. My breathing has now gone to random gasp as I try to rid this very heavy dark feeling I'm experiencing.

Oh I have known it was on its way back, I've tried brushing it under the carpet but to no avail and so the Master of all demons was allowed to re enter my mind and take over my feelings, motions, thoughts etc.

Today? I am back to fighting this bloomin' demon but not with seroxat!

Today, I'm being the defiant (I don't want to be ill again approach) So today I have decided 1 sleeping pill and a few beers will keep that b*******d away.

I would never suggest anybody EVER try and deal with their depression in the same way as I do :oops:

I am well knownat my GP surgery for taking things into my own hands and self medicating with just about anything that will chase that demon back in to his cave, his knees quivering at the number of dangerous obstacles he has to get through to reach my mind.

I choose a dangerous track - one I have used as my survival for 30+ years. So in a way, I'm pretty well much expereinced in the world of mixing over the counter meds with prescribed ones and mixing them all up with alcohol. I would never EVER recommend my appraoch to anyone - one day it could all go very wrong for me too and I could very well find myself waking up dead one morning.

It's an escape from commiting suicide (that's my thought lol)

I am quite known too for taking a bit of this, a bit of that, drink a bit, add a few more meds (its my own concotion lol)

30 years later I'm a survivor, but I know that (especially as I'm not getting any younger) that one day one of these concoctions could be the one that ends my life.

It's like a game of Russian Roulette :shock:

My blood test are already coming back with weird results and apparantly last week when gp looked at last lot of test he rubbed his chin and said something isnt right but what it is we are cluelsess and wrote off to hospital to have me referred for further test.

Could it be that I've even screwed up my whole body while trying to fight this demon???

Sorry - but hey! At least your know I'm a rambler LOLOLOL

Hi Melbi,

God now i need a drink!lol Why do we do it? I'm sat here on the floor with tears in my eyes watching my girls play dress up, be princesses and cowgirls!

I'm so sick of this! I should be happy and smiling (well laughing really), but i feel rubbish today!

I keep trying the same old things and keep getting knocked back every single time! Time for a change, stay off the cider for a week and see what happens! Whether my mind becomes clear and i can start making some positive decisions about the future!

As for the people at work, its got nothing to do with my illness! Some poisious witch has been spreading her evil! I'm gonna find out whats been said about me, because i know the only 3 people i've spoke to about the situation at work! :evil:

But why would they ignore my daughter? T****!

I'm sorry i'm very angry today :evil: !!

What is this feeling of destroying yourself? I dont want to make my daughter an orphan, i want to be here for her always! But i'm on this road of self destruction and i cant find a way off! I keep trying, but its like my driving skills in general, no sense of direction and cant read a map for toffee!!lol

I've never taken any drugs perscription or otherwise! My sister has and in a way we're both the same! On the path to self destruct!! We do need to change this pattern for the sake of our kids, but i've got to learn to do it for me also. I think thats where i fall down with my drinking! theres not enough self worth in me to stop!!

Oh god, how depressing am i? :lol:

I'm so sorry that your feeling unwell again! maybe depression is like the end of a horror movie! You think the monsters dead, you feel relieved, but just to check you go over and poke him with a stick and.....boo he jumps back up at you! And there is no limit on how many times that monster can come back and get you! How many freddies and jason's have their been.

Take care

The orb fairy

Hey sweetie

Stop being so hard on yourself.

I have just learnt that where I go wrong is I'm too flippin' soft - a complete damn walk over. I might aswell wear the word mug on my forhead and that aint no lie.

I am now going on a bender - I haven't done that in months - but right now I cannot see another way to get through these last few days.

Time to blot out life and all its crap!

My X has offered to put some money into a website of my own that would be of benefit for anyone who suffers mental illness of any kind.

My brother in law, being a web developer has backed him up and says he will support me - I just need to think seriously now about it.

It would get me out of the work I do now and I know I'd be dedicated as reading and posting on patient uk has shown me (I think) that I have more to offer than the job I do now for pay and a the job I do voluntary.

Drink?

Trust me lol after what I have just read elsewhere - I am going on a serious bender.

Hi Melbi,

That sounds brilliant! It sounds like it would be very benefical for you. Have you done any courses? I'd seriously think about it!

I cant go back to bar work, i've lost all faith in humanity! I seem to be watching a world crumble and fall before me sometimes! All the reports on the news, the complete lack of respect people have for each other! When you see and hear what people will do to each other because they think they have been slighted in some way!

I've thought about doing some voluntary work, mybe at a playgroup or something! Messing about with my girls is the only thing that makes me happy. Also going to see about doing a night course of something!

Now i've been really good and i've been to the shop and not bought any cider, but after reading your post really want some now! :? Do i, dont i?

No stay strong orb! You can do it!

The orb fairy

my faith in humanity walked out of the door this weekend.

I have basic training but eldest daughter has more than me.

Chin up Melbi, lol, dont you just hate it when people say it to you! Enjoy your drink and have several for me because i'm gonna stay sober!!

8)

Take care and i hope you feel better tomorrow.

The orb fairy

Hi Melbi, just read last posts and am left a little confused or have i com in on a pm with some1 (sorry if i have) i thought the mods there 4 support and offre advice if they can not 2 have a laugh at our expence or have i got the wrong end of stick. Sorry if wrong i feel like livin a life of death at mo and not here. cud b the excess amont alcahol and mix of pils had.

Hi Shadow,

I'm sorry if my post made you feel like that! I'm sorry on here are the only people i talk to and sometimes i get carried away and treat it like a real conversation and forget that other people will read this!

How are you today? i did it, no drink for me last night! yeah! :D

Broken nights sleep and all that and the night sweats got worse! Got to keep it up for another 6 nights! :shock:

Hi orb, wel don u :ok: just think of it as do the same again 2nit rather than 6 more nites 1 day at a time not so much preassure on yourself (listen 2 the hypocrite here). Got apoints all day 2day 2hours with pycotherapist and hour with GP and team (if am honest not feel lik talk and not no wot say at same time so much say need 2 go it like am numb livin a life of death inot no how 2 explain sorry 2 go on am all a mess). :? Take care and stay strong.

Hi Shadow,

Thanks, feel quite proud of myself today, tho alittle tired!lol I printed off some of my posts on here and gave them to my pyschologist! It was embarrasing but i have so much to say and i dont know where to begin! An hour doesnt seem long enough to get out whats running through my head all the time! I think it helped because i can put in writing all thise things i cant say!

Thanks again and i hope your appointments go okay today.

Dont worry about \"going on\", i think its good :D

Take care

The orb fairy

hi guys

self medicating is all I seem to do at the moment so thinking I might join you in the no drinking thing, if thats ok Orb. Have been thinking I should not drink as much for a while as I know it isn't helping me and is giving the depression a better hold but self destruction seems to be the name of the game at the moment. :oops: :? trouble is I am eating so very little at the moment most of my calories come from drink at the moment.

very flat today. Hope you all ok

girl

Thats fine by me Girl! Anyone else want to join in?

If you think about it Girl all those calories are just empty calories!

we could do an experiment like in prove it! Now i'm getting carried away with myself :lol:

The orb fairy

Hi all, 2days sessions were extreamly hard and very emotional how can 3 hours of just talkin leave me feelin so shattered and totaly drained and washed out, (and still the tears wont stop). :cry: I no wot u sayi orb i have 3 hours a week and still i find i dont say all i want 2. THank u 4 takin the time 2 ask and care. Take care.

From a terrified emotionalll mess. Sorry 2 b so low.

P.S so u should b proud u did good orb and good luck 2 u as well girl u go 4 it guys.