Scared for my life and don’t know where else to turn

I’d like to start off by saying I don’t want anyone to even attempt to diagnose me. I just really need to vent, and maybe hearing that someone has been through something similar and came out of it alive will give me some sort of hope. 

I have been beyond depressed and anxious lately due to the fact that my health has been suffering and I’ve had some very troubling symptoms. I was raised to basically not go to the doctor unless I felt like I was dying, so I have always just ignored things and/or toughed them out, and I am not learning that was a terrible mistake and that sometimes parents aren’t always right. I’m 29 years old, and haven’t had access to health insurance until now thanks to my boyfriend and the fact that his employer recognizes domestic relationships and allowed me to get on his plan. 

I’ve had a lot of vaginal discharge since before I even started having sex, and have always had pain with sex stating from the very first time with occasional bleeding afterwards. The pain is clearly an independent issue, but over the years my periods have gotten more and more weird and abnormal. I had one Pap smear when I was 21 and it came back normal, but I haven’t had one since, and my periods weren’t like this back when I had it. They have always been on the heavy and painful side, but now they last a really long time (usually 9 or so days), and I spot brown blood both before and after my actually full blown period. I can now also feel a lump towards the top of my vagina/right below my hip, which I’m assuming is a fibroid. I’ve been told endometriosis is a high possibility for me, but almost everyone I know who has that has also experienced cervical dysphasia. I’m very very worried about cervical cancer, or at the very least cervical dysphasia. I had my cortisol and sex hormones checked about a year and a half ago and they were all in normal ranges, but I don’t know how often you’re supposed to have that checked or how often it changes. I had a Pap smear done a few weeks ago, and they completely lost my sample (which they claimed has never happened before) and I have to redo it. Of course it would happen to me. I’m very upset about this because it’s such a painful procedure for me to have done and it took a lot of courage to suck it up and deal with the pain. 

I also have extreme bladder and digestion issues. There are times I pee several times in an hour, and my bowels are just all over the place. I have trouble emptying myself and and always constipated even though my stool isn’t hard. While it does happen occasionally, it’s oretty rare for me to have a normal BM. My stomach is constantly making noises and just never feels settled. I’m quite nauseous at times too.

Moral of the story is, I’m very scared and don’t know how to find the courage/strength to pull it together until I can get back to the doctor and specialists. I couldn’t get a primary care appointment until January 19th, and couldn’t get into a gyno until February. I feel like I am too young for this, and I’ve completely secluded myself from everyone because I’m so depressed and because I’m so embarrassed about my bathroom issues and just feel like a burden to everyone. I’m also so scared about all of the physical pain I’m going to endure having to get all these pelvic exams done. I’m not a baby about physical pain, and I can honestly say nothing I’ve ever been through compares to this. Has anyone ever been through anything similar? How do I stop being so scared? How do I stop feeling like it’s gonna be too late to fix me? I’m so scared that I’m dying and that it IS gonna be too late. 

Thank you for reading and any answers would be greatly appreciated. 

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