Short Story / Long Story: I Know I Have HSV - Now What?

Short-Story: I'm 99% certain I have HSV (with my luck it'll be HSV2). Test comes back in two days. I can only be upset with myself. I'm really depressed and, surprise, feel like my life is over.

Long-Story: My ex abruptly broke up with me mid-April. I was a mess afterward because things were good / no closure and he wouldn't speak to me at all. I went on a Tinder swiping binge to take my mind off it and rebounded wrecklessly. I had unprotected sex with three people (one I'm completely ashamed to have been with and now suspect I got something from him (he had a lot going on)... one that was a nice guy but wasn't going anywhere... and one I was legitimately interested in before this whole mess). For as long as I've been sexually active, I've gotten a UTI or BV every time I have a new partner, and then Gina calms down. So this summer - with the binging - I kept getting BV, taking meds, that would then give me a yeast infection from killed bacteria. Then my ex and I started talking again (read: having sex again). Also, he had unprotected sex with 3-5 people between this time. Anyway, we had really rough sex five days in a row and Gina was so swollen and torn to pieces. So we took a break for a day (read: a ton of oral sex). My vagina started burning and got tons of discharge, and figured it was just Gina being Gina.

THEN... The next day (Monday - 5 days ago) I went into the emergency department with the worst pain in my swollen groin lymph node (and obviously torn up inside Gina). No fever or feeling ill. In the end, they told me UTI and yeast infection, and suspected PID. (P.S. They ran labs and I was neg for gonn/clam.) They sent me on my merry way with antibiotics and yeast infection pills (I felt dumb). Also, no itching or tingling. The next day I went to the doc (Gina not looked at) who said I had no UTI. Went to visit my family, felt a pinch on Gina when I stood up. (I have "fluffy" lady bits, so that's not irregular for me. It gets caught in clothes sometimes.) When I got home I looked at it, and it was a sore that looked like a scab was ripped off, so I thought was an ingrown hair). I am a picker and tried to pop it (clear liquid) and really messed it up big time. (Did I mention I'm dumb?) Next morning, I had SIX more sores on outer labia / the moist part between outer labia and the fluffy inner labia. Go to the doc again, highly stressed, and she casually says, "I'll take a look and should be able to tell if it's herpes. If I can't tell or they look suspicious, I'll swab." She takes a look and only says, "Okay... so I'm going to swab and we'll do blood work." She gives me antivirals and the orange-pee meds. (Those didn't help the burning pee.)

Over the course of the week (it is now Saturday), I've been taking antibiotics two times per day, yeast infection pills (one every 3 days for a total of three pills), antivirals three times per day and the orange-pee stuff three times per day. I'm a walking pill container. All sores broke open, all with oozy, yellow scabs except the one I messed with being an unhealing ulcer of pain... I've called my doc every day waiting on results and am annoying to them, I'm sure. I've been crying nonstop and look at the sores every 15 minutes. I've taken tons of pictures just to keep checking them up close (all with angry red boarders). I talked to my mom about it all, and she reacted like I told her I have AIDs and said a bunch of shame-y stuff. I felt worse than ever.

My ex got blood tested (no symptoms) and came back negative. (P.S. He's been mega supportive and great through all this. He still thinks I'm sexy and was being ultra horny with my today. Which is sweet, but no way I'd have sex without test results, with these awful sores present, and feeling like my self-confidence has plummeted.) No word on the one guy I was dating's blood results. He is furious and won't speak to me again, which hurts but I can't fault him.

My results will come in two days, but I already know with this many of the telltale signs... I'm in pieces. I was careless; I feel disgusting; I feel like no one will be with me again and won't risk getting this; I am terrified I'll pass it on; I am devastated I likely won't have a vaginal birth when I do have kids (something I always wanted). I feel like my - previously passionate/kinky - sex life is over. (I know I shouldn't, but I put a lot of my self-worth in sex and it's my main 'love language.') I was already a mess with the breakups, inpatient stay previously, unresolved rape issues, moving across the state...

I'm also angry and want to know where I got it. Honestly, it's likely guy-I'm-ashamed-of or an EXTREMELY late expression of HSV1 from my other ex of 10-years (he got cold sores) or an extremely late expression after a rape years and years ago. If one of the latter, no clue why it'd just appear now, I've been way more stressed before (to trigger it, I mean). If what I read about symptoms appearing 2-14 days after exposure and ex's negative results, it has to be nice-guy-going-nowhere or won't-talk-to-me-again-guy, right? I also read blood tests without symptoms are unreliable. So I'm also a little worried my ex does have it and it isn't detectable levels of antibodies if he also recently got it. Why does this worry me? Well, I hope he doesn't have in general, but also - remember all that oral sex I mentioned - one spot on my lip has been super tingly all day today... and I will not cope with having oral and genital HSV.

I just don't even know anymore. I've looked at too many genital herpes pictures and read too many stories... I can't think about anything else. I feel so low. I just don't have any will anymore.

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