Sick of arguing with my dad, just feel stuck
Posted , 7 users are following.
I argue with my dad a lot. We disagree on pretty much everything. Just now we were talking about me overeating, which I'm trying to stop and he kept saying things like "When you're 20 stone you'll blame me for not telling you to stop." He also likes to bring up how he sees similarities between me and my mum - who was an alcoholic, ended up with liver failure and was homeless, and still has very bad mental issues. It makes me really mad that he says I am going to end up like her. I understand that I am addicted to junk food and trust me I KNOW the effects it has and what it can lead to. Trouble is most of the time I just don't care enough to stop eating and actually look after my health because I don't know why I should i.e. I don't know what there is to be happy about to motivate me to stop - but that's a different story. Anyway, yes I know the symptoms of junk food addiction are similar to alcohol addiction, like any addiction has similar or the same symptoms to others, and I think that is what my dad is trying to say. However it makes me feel worse that he says I'll end up like my mum - I don't remember a day when I was a child that she wasn't drunk and causing chaos and I struggle to get through a lot of life's aspects because of her absence and the impact she had and still has on me. Why would being told I'll end up like her motivate me? He also always likes to say that he went through 'hell' with my mum, and he doesn't want to go through it again. I witnessed this 'hell', I saw what went on and because of this I would constantly worry about my dad, and prayed that he would be happy, asking him everyday if he was ok. I cared and still care so much. When it comes to us fighting he just disregards this which pees me off. I don't know if he's trying to manipulate me in a way. It's obvious that he is trying to make me feel bad.
I don't know if I'm overreacting - my dad says he is trying to support me by saying this, and gets angry when I tell him it makes me angry that he would say that. It's like he forgets what I went through with my mum and that he is the only one affected (as mentioned above). I understand him in a way, which is why I try not to get too angry, but I just don't think he supports me in the right way at all. If he considers that 'support' then I just don't think I can talk to him about my problems anymore. He knows I have depression and am going to therapy, so I just don't know why he thinks this will make me feel better at all. I actually don't know if he struggles with accepting if he is wrong, or just thinks he is right all the time. If this is the case I don't think I'll be able to change it and will just have to accept that I can't talk to him.
Thanks for reading, sorry for the long rant. I'm just lying in bed now crying and I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I made plans for tomorrow but when we fight they go down the drain as I get the same thoughts about there being no point in doing anything if we fight all the time.
0 likes, 24 replies
yasmine333 tasha1999
Posted
So sorry you're going through this. You need to be supported not berated. Of course it's an addiction & should be treated as such. It's not something you can just snap out of, you need to be in the right frame of mind with the right support around you. I almost made it to 20 stone myself last year but I lost 5 stone because I was ready to. I couldn't have faced dieting while my mental health had gone to shxt & I didn't care about anything or anyone.
Use your mother as an example of what not to do & to encourage yourself to stay on track. It's okay not to be okay as long as you don't give up.
Message me anytime x
tasha1999 yasmine333
Posted
Thank you so much for replying, I'm glad that you can see that is definitely not a way to be supported. It's really hard for me to get into the right mindset, especially when I give up so easily due to feeling berated 😦 Well done! I hope I'm eventually able to lose the weight. Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot x
yasmine333 tasha1999
Posted
You're welcome honey! Just do it in your own time, take small steps so you don't feel overwhelmed & come on here anytime you need to talk. Once you feel better mentally you'll start to feel better physically too.
xx
tasha1999 yasmine333
Posted
Thank you xx
sam18386 tasha1999
Posted
Hi Tasha, i heard somebody grumpy having a go at his little girl. How old are you? Isn't it up to you what you eat? Can't you have a life of your own? I would ignore him if he's going to be rude, can you tell him that you are having counselling and are depressed. Do you or can you write it down so he can see how you feel? We will support you even if your just ranting, maybe that's what you need to do? I wish you luck, it's terrible when you're ill and family don't understand. I know how you feel my mum and family have swept a major issue under the carpet which has taken years for me to speak about.
tasha1999 sam18386
Posted
Hi Sam, I am actually 19 so now I feel a bit pathetic that I may come across childlike! I guess I am just very emotional and have a hard time taking control of my life. Obviously it is worse in real life than in text - my dad was really angry with me not just grumpy. My dad does the shopping so he understandably doesn't want to buy me junk food and tells me to buy it with my own money. In the heat of an argument I get annoyed that he won't just take me to the shop but now I realise why. At 19 I have been told I should consider myself lucky to be able to still live with my dad, on one hand I think well he is my dad he is supposed to look after me so what should I feel lucky for? but on the other hand I understand he could easily kick me out and he does care for me (ranting and getting replies help me realise these type of things). There's worse things than just fighting over junk food but I have pretty much given up on taking care of myself - I want my dad to help me with that, but I understand he probably feels helpless... I will try and write stuff down though.
Thank you anyway. I don't know if I make any sense lol. I hope you feel better having spoken about your problems, it can be really hard 😦
tasha1999
Posted
Not sure what happened to my reply there and if you can read all of it? 😕 !
hypercat tasha1999
Posted
Hi when I was young my mother kept telling me I was like my father whom she hated. She would ask me sneeringly if I was up to my tricks again like him. I never knew what she meant and it always made me feel awful and in total confusion.
She also called me names such as obnoxious and that no one would ever want me. When I asked her many years later why she did this she said she was trying to support and help me. I told her this didn't help in the slightest but only affected my self esteem. I realised that this was the only way she knew how to support me and if I wanted anything different it wasn't going to be from her, so I looked outside for the encouragement and support I needed. You can't get blood out of a stone.
Incidentially 2 years before she died she looked at me and said suddenly 'You are nothing like your father are you'? I said Hallehah it's only taken you 50 years to realise that mother! x
yasmine333 hypercat
Posted
This is sad but I'm glad she realised in the end & also it's amazing you were able to ask he why & tell her how it affected you. That's a very brave thing you did & I'm sure you're glad you got the opportunity x
tasha1999 hypercat
Posted
I'm sorry that you went through that, it is really hurtful! I'm glad you realised you wouldn't get support from her, I guess I need to realise that sooner rather than later so I can stop wasting time trying to get the answer I want out of my dad and just being hurt. I hope you are well now x
jacqueline01135 tasha1999
Posted
Hello Tasha ,,,have you ever given one thought to the fact that your father loves you very much, and that he only gets frustrated ,about your lack of self esteem,,and lack of love for yourself. So you hide behind food, and arguing constantly with him. He, is not your problem, you are .Stand in front of a mirror ,and have a really good look at yourself,,,,,, and give yourself ,,an honest reply... Have you ever given your dad a hug, and said sorry,, ? What would happen if he stopped caring about you, as he obviously cares a great deal.you sound about ten,, but are probably older .so ,it is time you altered your "Poor old me" attitude to a positive one .Only one person can do this ..YOU .
yasmine333 jacqueline01135
Posted
She's about 20 years old. Also what does she need to apologise for? Have you ever thought she doesn't need 'tough love' she needs support that shes clearly not getting at home so she came on here & support is what we should be giving her.
tasha1999 jacqueline01135
Posted
Hi, I do understand that my dad loves me and is probably frustrated and that is what he tries to get across to me I guess. It is just the way he does it can be hurtful. Sometimes after I write things I do realise that I may seem childish or ungrateful and that is why I write here because I need someone to tell me that and remind me. I do rely a lot on other people telling me what to do, which I think I do with my dad, but I understand I am the only one who can take control of my problems. I am 19, bit embarrassed to say now lol, but the reason I write on here is to get advice to help me improve my life. I wish I didn't feel this way at 19 and I have loads of 'reasons' (excuses) why I do, but also I have felt like a mum in my household since my mum left. I tell my dad everyday thank you for everything you do, because I remember what he went through with my mum and I feel bad for him, and I have been like a mum to my brother. I feel like that is why I just feel so tired now and the past affects my mindset a lot which hopefully therapy will help me. Thanks
tasha1999 yasmine333
Posted
xx
jacqueline01135 yasmine333
Posted
I am ,,,you are NOT ...Don't be so nasty.
jacqueline01135 tasha1999
Posted
Hello again Tash. So good to know that you are aware of your problems. and are in fact trying to move on .Sorry is a word that means so much, but is used very little now. If your therapist is good ,and ,most of them are ,she will be able to turn your thinking around, about your anger ,and sadness, Talking is a great healer. But just hearing people say "don't worry you will be fine " does no good .Do you have any hobbies, ? Do you have a dog .? great pals and stress busters. You can talk your head off to me .. I may not say the things you want to hear ,but they will be things you NEED to hear, When I feel a bit down ,I ring a friend of mine ,and we speak for an hour, about absolutely anything ,and everything ,and, when I finally put the phone down , feel happier ,and usually smiling.. Please don't disappear. I'm always here ,,I may not answer immediately ,,but I will always get back to you
Jacqueline xx
yasmine333 jacqueline01135
Posted
Not sure what that was in reference to but I wasn't being 'nasty' if I think someones reply will have a negative impact on the person seeking support I will say so.
jacqueline01135 yasmine333
Posted
Sometimes someone will need a shove in the right direction ,nice words and platitudes , are not always the answer, As her father has shown. By all means say what is on your mind ,,,but don't knock others for saying what is on their mind.
yasmine333 jacqueline01135
Posted
You can establish someone's needs once you know them & are confident they will respond well to that kind of 'support' but you don't personally know the people on this site & your words could tip someone over the edge so I'm saying be mindful of how you respond. Like I already said if I see something like that I will say something & continue to do so thank you very much.
tasha1999 jacqueline01135
Posted
I keep doing it though. I keep talking to my dad in a negative way, I just don't see why I should be positive. I told him I think it will be best to not be given help from him because I usually get offended and that's why I prefer a counsellor. Whatever he says I will always find something negative to reply with, I don't know why I do it and then I feel guilty but I just repeat it. Sometimes he tries to help but all I can say is "I know what I have to do, but why should I??". I have a dog, I haven't been walking him as much as I should and have been relying on my dad and brother to do that for me. I'm just so tired right now and sad after another negative conversation I don't want to move out of bed and I don't know why I should. We planned to go to the cinema tonight but I don't want to do that now. I know I always ruin it by being so negative.
I was thinking yesterday if he stopped caring about me, I wouldn't feel motivated to do anything, I'd literally do nothing and not care about anything (basically I would feel the same as I do now). I'd ask a family member to look after my dog for me while I do nothing. I don't know if I'd ever get to a point where I'd think "I really need to sort my life out now", because again, why? I'm really sorry for being so negative, but that is what I'm going through right now. I have sparks of positivity every now and then, that I will be happy one day, but most days I don't believe it.
Lack of money, no job, no hobbies and not many friends are all making me want to hide away from my problems even more, even though they aren't even huge problems. I know my dad is keeping the family together and does the work for the household and I can't even do simple things.
Thank you anyway xx