Sick of these ups and downs
Posted , 12 users are following.
Sorry to message once again just having a really bad day. Anxious and can't calm down and can't get out of my head. There will be some evenings I feel so good and like myself just for the next day for it to be gone and like it will never come back. These ups and downs are so hard. Just when I think I am getting better it gets taken from me 
This Thursday will be I think 5 weeks on 40mg. I just want it to level out and I want to feel like myself again especially with the holiday season coming up. I don't want to ruin it for my son and husband and family. I feel so lost today like I'll never get it back. Just want some positivity please. Will I have good calm days soon?
0 likes, 83 replies
katecogs isabel70263
Posted
That's how I recovered. I started feeling well in the evenings but every day I'd wake feeling awful. That good feeling very slowly crept more and more into my day and the early morning anxiety was the last thing to disappear for me. Sounds like its beginning to work for you - you can't hurry it - let it do its thing.
K xx
isabel70263 katecogs
Posted
My mind just doesnt shut off and i know I need to try and focus on other stuff. Just not easy
reese3417 isabel70263
Posted
Isabel I feel your pain 😢 I'm on 3 weeks of citalopram and the first two were not bad, the "normal" anxiety that I always have was there but then this past week I have felt just awful, feeling so disconnected and scared plus all the physical side effects. What makes made more sick to my stomach is that I have a 3 year old who i love more than anything in the world depending on me and my husband, who has been great, but I still feel sick with worry that I won't feel normal again for all of our sakes. My doc suggested 2 days ago to lower my dose in half, from 20mg to 10mg. I'm hoping this helps, I'm just trying to grasp onto any moments of feeling present, knowing it's possible to feel that way again even though it's hard to believe when we're feeling so down.
isabel70263 reese3417
Posted
I also have a three year old and a husband ans I feel bad when I don't feel good and all my son wants to do is play with mommy and have mommy be silly and happy again. It makes me so sad.
Do you know why he asked you to lower the dose?
My doc kept highering mine.
How are you feeling today??
sarah24378 isabel70263
Posted
I forget. How long have you been on cit and at what dose ? How are you going ?
I too have a family. 10 month old son and it is so hard. See psych on weds and really worried she will want to swap meds.
isabel70263 sarah24378
Posted
I started beginning of April at 10mg for two weeks and then she increased me to 20 mg. And after awhile mid or end of may I felt great and amazing and wasn't having anxious thoughts etc. And then all of a sudden in mid August anxiety came back bad and I tried to wait it out but a month passed and I had my doc appointment and Sept 19 and she increased me to 30mg for 6 weeks and then increased me to 40mg and been 5 weeks on it now. I'm not 100% and i still wake anxious and afraid of the physical feelings I get from anxiety. Few days in a row I had to take lorazepam which I feel down at myself for resorting to that. But yeah. I see my doc tomorrow and I am afraid she will want to switch meds but I feel like I should ask her if I can wait a few more weeks on 40mg since everyone tells me it takes time and 5 weeks can still be early.
Also not sure if decreasing slowly to get back to 20mg when I was feeling great would work. Also afraid to get more side effects with all the changes in doses. Ugh I just want to feel how great I did in the summer again.
What about you? What dose and how long have you been on it?
sarah24378 isabel70263
Posted
I really don t want to change meds at this stage either.
isabel70263 sarah24378
Posted
Yeah I understand too, I don't want to have to go through the whole switching of meds after being on it for so long and with me they worked great so I assume I just need to give this dose longer since it hasn't been that long, although feels like years when you're feeling this anxious and not well. I say we try hard to push through and gice it at least a few more weeks. I am on a wait list for CBT. Hoping it happens soon because I know my problem is non stop over thinking and worrying and ruminating. I can't get out of my head and can't stop worrying I'll faint or something bad will happen. I sound crazy. But fainting is a major fear of mine
reese3417 isabel70263
Posted
I know what you mean. I feel like I'm just going through the mommy motions and feel somewhat disconnected which is the worst feeling bc usually just the sight of my little guy makes me feel so happy 😪 I've been back on citalopram for about 3 weeks or so, I was ok the first two weeks but then last week I suddenly started feeling terrible. My doc suggested lowering my dose bc I was/am getting intense hot flashes, NO appetite whatsoever, insomnia, worsening depression/ anxiety. She said that it sounded to her like I may have started on too high of a dose. I'm trying really hard though, as the 3rd day of the lower day I still don't feel right, I'm doing positive affirmations: telling myself repeatedly "i am good. I am connected. I am loving". And listening to positive youtube affirmations/meditations, forcing myself to eat even when I'm not hungry bc I'm sure that not eating just exaggerates it all or at least drinking shakes. Also taking zzzquil at night bc I NEED sleep.
debbie18265 reese3417
Posted
Hi that's great your doing positive things keep doing them I did them too as I started on 10mg of Citalopram and felt anxious for 6 days no appetite etc but it went and feel much better now and you will too x
reese3417 debbie18265
Posted
Thank you debbie 🙂 I'm glad to hear you are feeling better!
David_21660 isabel70263
Posted
Hi Isabel,
You do not need to apologise for posting (unless it is offensive) the reason this site and we are here is to help you. The benefits of being on a good SSRI like Cita does, eventually, outweigh the initial horrible feelings we get from the side effects. However, simply having the side effects does show that it is working on repairing what needs to be repaired.
This is not a quick fix and sometimes by continuing in the situation that brought us here, without changing that to the best of our ability, can drag this whole process of recovery out longer.
Sit down with your husband and son and explain how you are feeling, try to get them to understand that to get better you may be a little of course this festive season. If you hubby is having any kind of difficulty understanding then get him to read your posts and replies, make him a part of your recovery. I can testify having someone alongside, even if they can't fully understand, but are willing to learn, really helps. You son too if he is old enough to understand Mummy is ill.
Sometimes when I was at my worst I wanted to get a full length plaster cast fitted to my leg, then I thought everyone would be able to see I was incapable and get the sympathy I needed, but alas the hospital wouldn't play the game!
Most of us here do understand the feelings that are going through your brain, the very thing that needs repair therefore you do need to stop over worrying about the holiday season (when in fact it isn't for many Families, it is a purely commercial time and lost its true meaning).
Talk to your Family, especially the ones that may understand, explain to them that you may not be well enough to cope this year and could do with some help. Better still send yer hubby and son out with a shopping list and you relax, the best you ca at home. This way Father and Son can have some good bonding time and you can relax at home, tryig not to worry or fret yerself!
Don't forget that emergency duvet kept in your moist used room outside the bedroom for when you make it out of bed, but that is about it. You get up get so far and then just crawl under and curl up in that emergency duvet until whatever it is passes and give it time to pass. Each time you feel better, that is a little bit of positivity to build on and store away for when you are feeling like cr*p again.
This is no quick fix. You are ill and nbeed time not only for Cita (Celexa) to work on those repairs, but for you to recover! Do not look at 'going back to your old self', 'wanting to be me again' or the 'way things were'! Why return to that thing or place that brought you here in the first place because people that do are many times worse when they next crash and sometimes burn. I did, I was in denial for six years and it nearly killed me. Save the fact that I had a caring partner (now Fiancee) that knew as much as the next person about mental illnesses, but wanted to understand for our love sake, a great GP (Doc) who knows everything there is to know (well almost) about sticking plasters for the brain and last, but never least this wonderful forum!
Get your Family on board, get yer husband involved and that way he won't feel so frustrated in not being able to help the woman he loves, do not let him feel isolated. Mind you saying that do not let that be a point of stress for you. No one told us it would be easy, no one told us it would be this hard either!!!
Keep readin, posting and if yer hubby or son, wants to talk with someone, I am willing to listen and help when and where I can.
Regards,
David
isabel70263 David_21660
Posted
Thank you for taking your time to respond
My husband is understanding and helpful but I just feel guilty having to be so dependant on him lately. I went through this back in March and April and was better by may, but then came back bad end of August. And been struggling. And my son is 3 years old. He understands mama doesn't feel well and just makes me sad when we wake in the morning and he says "mama still not feeling good?" I know I shouldn't be hard on myself but I don't want to mess up my son.
I grew up seeing my mom with this and would hide in her room when she feared she had a health problem when it was just anxiety. So I guess I learnt the ways from her.
I see my doc dec12 and if I am not feeling great by then (which will be 5 weeks on 40mg) she will probably suggest switching meds. Which is what I fear , I don't want to have to go through all that. I think I will tell her I want to wait a few more weeks on 40mg since everyone here tells me it takes time. And for Christmas it's not all about the commercial gifts etc for us. We get together and play games and dress up nice and just have a nice meal and laugh together. That's why I want to feel ok, to be able to enjoy it. But I'll explain to them all that this year I may be low key...
And thank you for saying if my husband needs someone to talk to, I'll rememeber that. Because I feel sometimes he gets a little impatient and doesn't know what to do to help me etc.
debbie18265 isabel70263
Posted
That's great that Christmas for you and your family is about games and dressing nice, god and having a laugh it's the same for my family. Try not to put pressure on yourself to be good for everyone at Xmas cause I bet when it's here you will be feeling better and forget your anxiety and have a great time x
debbie18265
Posted
David_21660 isabel70263
Posted
No problem, that is why the site is here and allows those of us, that are further down the line and wanting to give back, to help. Which, let's face it is also a part of our own recovery.
End of November was the first anniversary of my closest brother's passing (the tormentor that became my mentor) and I have been very, very low. Obviously, everyone has to go through the greiving process it just makes it a little more complicated because of the illness. However, one thing that has helped is being back here and helping. Certainly helps put things into perspective.
Sorry to hear about yer Mum going through similar, my Dad had a breakdown towards the end of his working life, but times were different then, there was a stigma about such illnesses and basically, men were not supposed to do that! I have included my youngest daughter, now thirteen going on attitude, since I went ill over two years ago and she has reacted a few times, but generally responds well and it has helped her mature (in some ways!!!).
It is good to know our other halfs are there for us, but you are right it is a strain no matter how they appear and that is why it is best they are included. If anything, they will know when to help by cuddling, taking over things or just backing off. So, our 'other halfs' are a big and the best part of our recovery and I always let my Ann know that. Mind you I may go on a bit - now that could be another worry lol!
You are doing well though don't ever doubt that, even if you do get a 'blip' now and again, like I said all you have to do is ride it out. With loved ones and friends understanding that, it will become easier. Nowadays, when I get one coming on Ann deals with accordingly while I, sometimes, struggle with trying to ignore the blip in the way I have taught myself. Again, only time can be the teacher here and it does become easier, in fact when fully recovered I'll have to find something else to focus on!
The more people know about mental illnesses, the more they'll understand and the more they understand why and how wide sprread it is then and only then may we be able to change society in a progressive not regressive way.
You are definitely right to feel you should give it longer and yer Doc suggesting you give it up now would be a big mistake, at Christmas trying to slowly and gradually come off a non addictive SSRI is like cutting a life line in the midst of the worst storm. You have also definitely made the best choice possible by letting everyone know you may be low key this year. After all, there are plenty more for you and your Family to enjoy!
Regards,
David
isabel70263 debbie18265
Posted
I know, I shouldn't put pressure on myself, but my whole life I have always been so hard on myself.
Just hate waking so anxious for both nothing when the evening before I felt calm. I just don't understand why that happens
isabel70263 David_21660
Posted
Yeah I definitely want to give this longer try because it had worked for me in the past at 20mg.
I need to believe in myself and know I can get through this. Just sometimes it's hard.
You give very good advice thank you very much.
I also can't wait for therapy to start because I want to know how to deal with this better and understand better and get well so my three year old doesn't have to see me this way and doesn't end up this way. And also I will know what to look for if he does even he's growing up and I can help him before it gets bad like mine.
I wish mental illness wasn't such taboo thing. It's all over the place and more people have it than we think and it's hard to live with. If everyone talks more about it then more people would understand it better.
john059 David_21660
Posted
Outstanding advice David. We can all benefit from such good advice. I'm presently going through my own trials and worries on these meds and it is a battle. I'm doing the reducing thing and boys doesnur brain let you know how difficult it is. If I didnt have the ability to exercise I think i wud have gone off the deep end. Thanks for being here!!!!!
David_21660 john059
Posted
Hi John, thanks for the words, not expected or c raved, but non the less appreciated, thank you.
Hopefully, you are reducing slowly and gradually each time you drop x amount of mgs. It appears to be widely understood that 5mg is the best amount to reduce by until your mind and body have adjusted. When you level out you can then try to reduce by another 5mg and so on. It may take a week, a fortnight or a month each time and, of course, there is no gaurentee you will come off the med completely. i have accepted this myself, but I won't know until I am ready to try reducing. I have had some major, non related to my illness, events happen in my life over these passed two years that have put the attempted reduction on hold, and this time it is for a hip replacement - OH JOY!
Exercise is a great restorer, especially running/jogging and it was a form of meditation that I miss dearly. What with osteoarthritis in the knees and now the hip is f*cked, it is a struggle at times. However, I have to get off me arse and do some in the build up to the op anyway so, exercise bike it will have to be!
Welcome to this all inclusive Club! Where no one ever needs to feel alone or the only one suffering because, man there's a whole world suffering out there these days and we have to put it right.
Ghandi said "you must be the change you wish to see in the world" and it certainly needs changing. However, small steps t becoming a better person my friend!
Regards,
David
john059 David_21660
Posted
Hi again David. Thanks for the reply. I have been reducing by 2.5 mg's every 2 weeks. Thats what my pharmacist suggested. It is still an adjustment for me and I do feel like crap for the first few days on the adjusted dose. I'm now down to 25 mg's and working my way down. If I have to stay on a lower dosage to feel better, I will. One day at a time I guess. I have started to play hockey again and thats a big plus. I also ride the bike(indoors). Minus 31 here today so not too many outdoor activities. Hope ur having a g8 day!!!
David_21660 john059
Posted
Morning!
Even better reduction than my proposed 5mg, I shall bear that in mind for when I reduce, one day.
Exercise is the thing and I have to admit what with me wows I have gotten lazy however, now that I have a date in early Jan to see the ortho consultant, we shall stop using the exercise bike as somewhere to throw clothes on and get pedalling! Then it will be a matter of waiting for a date!
One day at a time is a great mantra and a good one to remember if you get the odd blip and feel a bit down.
Jolly Hockey sticks! Do you know thwey tried to get me to play hockey when I was in the RAF, but I stuck with rugby (far safer Lol!).
Minus 31?! We shan't complain about our cold damp 10C then! Where are you? We're in South West Britain six miles from the sea in two directions and moorland behind us.
Anyway, keep on keeping on and don't forget, music is a good healer too!
Regards,
David
john059 David_21660
Posted
Good morning David. I'm in Saskatchewan,Canada. Cold again today. Only about -30C. I dont feel too bad except I had a crappy sleep which happens about 3-4 times a week. If I stay on one dose for awhile maybe that will change. It would be nice to sleep through a whole night. Oh well time to get on with the day. Have a good one David!!!
debbie18265 David_21660
Posted
Hi David, I agree our 10 degrees is fine with me ooh can't imagine -30!! Brrrr, I've had a few not so good days and today when my son went to nursery I thought right exercise is the key to help like you said do I jogged and fast ran for 45 minutes didn't want to but was good when I did it and I'm going to do it as much as I can. Hope your doing ok, I'm in the North East
Debbie
David_21660 john059
Posted
Hi John,
I won't try and make out the reason why there is a delay in my reply is due to some kind of natural time delay or that the Earth had a wobble in its orbit! I have just been busy and now it is catch up time!
If the one dose works great, but do not worry if you have to up a bit to find your level. I had sleep problems and it changed when I moved the dose up to bedtime. May help!
Regards,
David
john059 David_21660
Posted
Good morning David. No worries about time delay. Everyone is busy this time if yr. and so sorry about ur loss also. I have lost brothers(uniform bros) in the past and I think of them this time of year. Most had young families when they passed. I'm starting to feel a little better but my head is still buzzing a bit. Still have issues with sleep but I eill just have to adjust to that until I'm off the cit. tried melatonin but I find that leaves me spaced out for a bit the next day. Have a great day
David_21660 john059
Posted
Hi John,
I also take vitamins B6 and D3 to help with the seretonin levels, these on top of a healthy non (land/air) meat (do eat seafood) I feel has certainly helped. I do not take any other meds, I didn't want to take these, but after I crashed in my GP Surgery I realised there was no alternative. That and removing myself from that and those which made me ill in the first place – work!
Re sleep, a natural sleep remedy is a hop pillow placed within your main sleeping pillow which aids sleep. If you can get fresh or relatively freshly dried hops great, place them in a pouch about 30cm square seal the open side and put inside the underneath of the pillow (otherwise you'll wake up with some interesting patternation on yer face!). If the smell is a little too much add lavender ot another natural aroma to take the edge off (mind you I like it that when you wake up you believe you are in a brewery – always brings a smile to me face until I properly wake up!).
Next month I have my, not so regular anymore as I have found my level, with my GP, appointment. It appears now I am far enough into recovery that my illness may stem from my service during Op Corporate (The Falklands Crisis) back in 82. The fact I was on a tactical unit heavily involved and my marriage broke down at the same time may be the the starting point. Two year into this illness and I think they are right, I should have at least one sesh with a military or adequately qualified civilian head Doctor to see.
Have a good day!
Regards,
David
katecogs David_21660
Posted
Hi David
Your posts always make me smile 🙃 ..... having the image of someone waking up with a hop indentation on their face made me slurp on my tea haha!
K 😄 x
john059 David_21660
Posted
Hi David. I do take fish oil and D3. Had a super great day today despite the fact I had a crappy sleep last nite. I'm gonna try using melatonin tonite and see how that goes. It almost feels like I'm levelling iff at 25mg's. Gonna stay there a bit and reduce by 2.5mg's in the new year. Have a good one and keep ur stick on the ice. Lol
mags57707 David_21660
Posted
David. This is so inspiring. I was on cit for 7 years after taking 4 years time admit I had depression. I came off it too quick 5 months ago and my depression had returned. Reading this post has made me realise that it's not just me suffering this horrible illness. Also it's reminded me that cit does work. It worked for me for 7 years. Thankyou for such a positive helpful post
David_21660 mags57707
Posted
Morning Mags,
When I did level out initially, I talked over with my GP the possibility of reducing to come off, as I have never been one for popping pills. She suggested giving it longer which I did. She knows everything about sticking plasters for the brain, thank goodness my old GP retired he would have probably just said pull yourself together! Men! That's one of the reasons I don't bother with them you know!!!
Moving on! Unfortunately, I had two unrelated, to eachother or Cita, illnesses and two bereavements in 2015 and each time we cancelled the slow and gradual process of reduction.
In the meantime me mentioning the idea, here, that I would like to do this was questioned by several forum-ers, "why do you want to end something that helps you?", "if you do reduce and come off you may, just may, find yourself back at square one!" and someone also mentioned that "you may reduce, but find that you may need to stay on a low dosage for longer, even for as long as it takes!" I believe the last quote was by katecogs, an angel that watches over this forum and helps when she can, she certainly helped save me!
So, here's me point, you may need to stay on a low dose for longer, just get on with your life at a level that suits you. So, that covers the question of did you come off too soon? Whether you came off too quickly and that caused the return? It certainly may not of helped, but I would stick with Cita for now and when, only when, you are at a good level again, then think about the next step. As I said it may be as simple as the fact that we may have to stay at a lower dose!
With the festering season upon us I would advise not getting caught up in the commercialisation, enjoy or celebrate it the way you want to and not how they expect you to!
Have a good weekend!
Regards,
David