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Sleepless,alone and scared.

Posted , 7 users are following.

BellaLuna
BellaLuna

8 weeks into the worst nervous breakdown of my life now, my poor husband is exhausted cos he's doing everything for me and he's up all hours with me too, some nights it's 2 hours sleep if lucky.

Tonight is no different for me, scared, awake and going over my fears, knowing I will wake panicking non stop if I ever do manage to sleep, don't know if I'll be able to even get dressed tomorrow, know I need to leave the house but not believing I can do it and even if I do I know I will panic cos I do every day.

This morning was so bad with panic that I was screaming at the out of hours mental health team to section me, they obviously didn't.

Anyway my husband is asleep, he is desperate and can't stay awake and I'm not doing well with all of this on my own.

I keep telling myself I can phone the crisis team again but scared no one will be available or it will be an unhelpful one, some are not great, it's pot luck.

I don't know why I'm posting really, no one can do anything and I expect people will be trying to go to bed too but it's being alone that's so horrible sad

1 like, 27 replies

27 Replies

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  • papote53
    papote53 BellaLuna

    Posted

    Hi Bella,

    Sorry to hear about your struggles. But you are not alone so feel free to write what you feel so we can try to help - We all have our own little dark place, some more than others but basically we are all here for the same reasons looking for hope and maybe even the cure.   Tell us more, what do you feel, what you fear, any pain and how often?  What are you doing to get better and what medication are you taking,(if any)   Bella Luna means beautiful moon so that is a good start if you feel that way. ;-)

    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna papote53

      Posted

      Thank you, BellaLuna is the name of a song I love.

      I take diazepam, had all of my permitted dose today too.

      I have chest pain, my tummy is beating hard but most of all I fear losing control like I did this morning when I was screaming to be sectioned.

      I fear sleep because I know I will wake with panic as I always do, maybe after as little as 1 hour.

      The morning will be bad because I will panic before I try to get dressed and leave the house, I hold onto my husband's arm when we are out but I still panic, I have to face it though.

      It's bad enough as it is but I am just sat here alone, my husband is desperately exhausted, poor man.

      The mental health team keep promising me help and saying they will get a psychiatric doctor to see me but it never happens, my gp keeps telling them it's urgent but they do nothing, I can't switch off sad

  • gill16647
    gill16647 BellaLuna

    Posted

    You will be ok. Stay strong.You are not going mad and will never be sectioned. Think it's only anxiety and the symptoms won't kill you ! Just scare you ! You are ringing crisis team because you are scared. Try take deep breaths through your nose and out your mouth.Tell yourself I am safe I will be ok. This will pass. You are keeping the fear heightened by panicking.Control the panic by breathing and be kind to yourself and your husband I know how scary it is but I promise it will go away.
    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna gill16647

      Posted

      Thank you, I am doing the deep breathing right now and some self talking, I keep saying to myself that even though I rang them begging to be sectioned this morning I still got dressed and went out in the end even though I panicked the whole time so maybe I can do it again.

      I must enable myself to tune out of these feelings somehow, I have a self help audio so I will listen to that and see if it helps.

    • papote53
      papote53 BellaLuna

      Posted

      Bella, I take diazepam as well- 5MG twice daily and sometime just 2.5 on day time. My Phy alowed me to take 15mg daily but I stay low first because I know is all in my mind and my Gastritis/reflux (chest pressure and digestive issues even if I eat healthy) and 2nd because I know eventualy I will not need it at all.  Now, it wasn't always this way- When it first started they said I had 5 diferent medical conditions including COPD and Nerve damage hands and feet-  Yes, that got to me because I have always been a healtly man with above average health and physical conditions, I served 26 years and went to war and not even that got to me BUT THIS DID.  So frm one day to another I lost 45 pounds, mostly muscle, my hair got gray and I urn into a nerve rack.  I was dizzy 12 hours daily ( dizzy, not light headed) and I could not breath and my poor wife did not understand how a strong man ike me have this problem.  Well, from 9 medications my 8 specialist gave me I'm only taking this one; Diazepam. I still have stomach issues and pressure on the chest but is getting better. Cleared from my Cardio that is not my Heart and cleared from my Pulmonologist is not COPD.  I do have Nerve damage but can manage without medication because from moderate is mild now and not even that,  Even my Phy said 2 days ago I'm free to stop or take as needed the medication because he believe is just digestive issues but he wil lke to to at least take some until the chest pressure is 100% gone.  So I'm down to 7.5mg and next week to 5mg and hopefully with 60 days on "0".  What I did first to get better?  I said thank you God for the life you gave me and even if I leave today I'm gratefull for what you gave me- So knowing I will go to a better place and my fmily was safe was my pain reliever. Then I starte to take Biofeedback and listening to vdeos and I never stopped doing exercise but at a much easier level. NowI walk, do pushups and exercise for my back.  Yes, Still will like to gain 15 pounds back mostly is muscle and I will.  Think positive and never give up/  When you feel down, think about all you had before and say thank you and you will see how fear goes away and eventually you will get better.  Sorry if I made some mistakes, but I'm outside of my house looking at the beautiful stars amd is a litttle dark.  PLus, is a little cold even in Florida. 
    • caroline74698
      caroline74698 BellaLuna

      Posted

      Hi Bella Luna, I'm really sorry you're not too good. Me neither. I usually get bouts of anxiety and panic in The winter, but this year seems a bit worse. When you feel at your worst take deep belly breaths and try to just let the horrible feelings just wash over you until they pass.. It's really the pits, try not to despair though as you will get through it, takes a little time. Try not to rush about when you are at your worst. Sit down and try to float through the anxiety because after all it's only adrenalin, there is no danger at all. Feels very real but it really isn't. I really hope you feel better soon and I know you will, just as I know I will too. Rotten though isn't it!! Love Caroline xxxxx
    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna caroline74698

      Posted

      Thank you both so much, I got through the night, I want to write more but panic is bad, I need to try to go out in an hour and a half and I panic every time I do, I may fail yet, I'm so depressed with this sad
  • kerry84695
    kerry84695 BellaLuna

    Posted

    Hi. How are you feeling now? X
    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna kerry84695

      Posted

      Hi Kerry, I feel awful, I went out this morning and was panicky but pleased because I let go of my husband's arm in the shop, then this afternoon I asked him to take me out briefly because I wanted to face the fear.

      Anyway we went to a shop that used to be easier for me and I felt terrible and wanted to run out, it was the worst panic the entire time, I stayed as long as I could but it was bad.

      A couple of weeks ago I was okay doing that, oh god I am becoming housebound, my worst fear sad

      Hubby says be kind to myself, that I must heal slowly from what is a breakdown but I am so upset because I can see myself losing everything, I am drowning.

      My Cpn keeps on about medication and I have a phobia of it, I take the diazepam but can't face anything else which she refuses to accept and it's such a long wait for CBT.

      Sorry, I am rambling so much, I am a mess, I just want my life back and I have lost it sad  sad

  • kerry84695
    kerry84695 BellaLuna

    Posted

    Why don't you want t take the medication? Do you think it would be worse than it is now? I have started citalapram, the first 2 weeks was hard however now I can see a way forward.

    Also how about going for a walk outside? You could choose a quiet part where not many people would go, go and use up some of the adrenaline and see how you feel.

    You are going to get better, believe that. You have an amazing husband there to help you.

    Xx

    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna kerry84695

      Posted

      Hi, I took a lot of different meds in the past and had really bad experiences, either with them making me worse or not helping at all despite sticking at them for a long time.

      I am really phobic of pills now but admit I am desperate at this point, usually it lasts a few weeks max and isn't this bad but this episode is worse than ever before.

      We went back out, I tried my techniques but panicked again, it freaks me out that just weeks ago I was coping with these things.

      Thank you, I so hope so, it's hard to believe it will ever get better, my husband is wonderful but I know he's worn out and getting depressed too xx

    • caroline74698
      caroline74698 BellaLuna

      Posted

      Trust me it will get better. I'm not great at the moment and have had bouts of anxiety over the years. Some for just a few days some worse. It always goes. I thought I was over it this time, as I seemed fine! Then last night I had another panic attack. But that is the nature of it. I think I'm stabilising again now. Please remember it does go. Just try and go with it and not fight it. Very good luck XXX

      .

    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna caroline74698

      Posted

      Thank you, I'm sorry you are suffering at the moment too, I have had anxiety for 17 years now but never this bad before and I could always go out with my husband there but now it's getting much harder.

      I stood in the shop accepting the anxiety and trying to just float along with it, I do that every day and try to keep the hope that eventually something will give with it and I will feel a bit more free but no luck yet.

      It's my daughter's birthday in 6 weeks and I am not well enough to go shopping for her presents or take her out like she wants to do, my husband said we will have to do it online so I can still be involved but it's killing me inside, I used to love going and doing that, I am so sad I can't take her out like she wanted too.

      We could have a party at home but I am so ill that I can't even make a sandwich, I hate this, I hate myself.

      Sorry I am rambling again, thank you and very good luck to you too xxx

  • kerry84695
    kerry84695 BellaLuna

    Posted

    Don't hate yourself, you are ill. Be kind to yourself. 6 weeks is still a long time away, how old is your daughter? Would she enjoy Internet shopping with you? X
    • BellaLuna
      BellaLuna kerry84695

      Posted

      She is almost 9, some of the things she wants are easier to find online and she might like that.

      I try not to hate myself but it's hard, I have always got myself over these episodes especially for the kids but this time I can't, I feel so bad for my husband too because he's exhausted but so loving to me, he's getting ill though now.

      I keep thinking maybe I should go into hospital, let them drug me up, give him some rest but that doesn't work well with agoraphobia and he doesn't want me to.

      I don't think there are any beds anyway and everyone I speak to like my cpn and the crisis team say it might make me worse because some of the patients are quite aggressive and I would see scary things in there.

      It's all such a mess, they gave me the number to chase up my referal to the consultant, I will do that tomorrow and hope they see me soon, I did self refer for online CBT but heard nothing back yet, praying I will soon xx

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