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So lonely.

Posted , 6 users are following.

audrey96558
audrey96558

I just feel so alone.

I barely sleep at all. I average about 3 hours a night but even then it's filled with nightmares that wake me up screaming, or in agony from clenching my jaw so hard, or with indentations in my hand where I've clenched my nails into myself.

Now I have this virus, nothing serious but Im getting even less sleep. I'm exhausted. And everyone is asleep whilst I'm wide awake.

I feel isolated. I toss between wanting to ditch everyone and everything in my life (despite having a partner who I adore and also care for) and wanting to stay in bed the whole time, lock the doors and be with no one but my partner.

I can't remember the last time we had any fun. We are in our 20s. Early 20s. And our lives are a barrage of illness and medical appointments.

I just want a week of normality.

Not a trip abroad or millions of £s... Just a week where I don't have to help him bathe. A week where he doesn't have to remind me to eat. A week when I want to and feel able to shower. That's it. Maybe a trip to the pub?

Nobody in my family wants to believe in mental health issues (despite my family tree being littered with suicides and inpatient treatment for depression). It's just like they want to bury it deep, which I get, it just makes me feel even more isolated.

I don't want to waste my life but right now I feel as though I'm just literally getting through each day; there's no enjoyment, no genuine laughter or happiness.

I can't help but feel sorry for myself in my situation.

I can't help but feel anger towards those who tell me to "get a grip".

I'm trying so hard to get a grip sometimes I think I'm wearing myself down more.

I've got so many masks I put on now for various friends and family, I feel I'm starting to lose myself.

I just feel so alone.

0 likes, 26 replies

26 Replies

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  • hypercat
    hypercat audrey96558

    Posted

    Hi I emphasis with you but you are not alone anymore as you have us.   A lot of people including family don't understand or want to understand depression but we know all about it on here.    People will often say 'get a grip'  or 'snap out of it'  or 'pull yourself together'  like you are a pair of curtains.   

    It does sound like depression and the only way you are going to get help and treatment is going to your doctor.   Meds and/or counselling might help so please make that appointment and go.   

    Remember we are here for you.    x

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 hypercat

      Posted

      Hi,

      Thank you for responding, it's very kind of you.

      I guess it's just that I know I have depression, I just seem to spend my life trying to convince family and friends that it exists. And that I have it.

      I've had it for 10 years now and still my own dad, my best friends, my extended family, they just dismiss me as if I am not trying hard enough.

      I've tried all the anti depressants under the sun they just don't really work for me, my psychologist thinks its because I have a number of other issues such as PTSD, OCD, panic attacks and insomnia that haven't been properly dealt with over the years.

      He's trying now to help me deal with these issues but because of limited funding he himself has admitted we won't get all the work that needs to be done, done in the time we have.

      So then I'm back with no help again. I've already exhausted all the appointments I'm entitled to with counsellors and CBT therapists, I've seen a psychiatrist too. But after my sessions with my psychologist run out that's kind of it.

      Like what do I do then? When I've tried all the meds? When I can't get any talk therapy?

      It just further adds to my feelings of loneliness.

      Thank you for being there and being kind x

    • aedii9
      aedii9 audrey96558

      Posted

      Having disbelieving and unsympathetic family can worsen mental health issues. When I first got ill I was only 18 and constantly being told by my parents to "pull my socks up", "stop moping", "grow up and take responsibility" etc etc. Unfortunately I got really ill a year later and was in hospital for quite some time, it took a plain speaking psychiatrist to spell out to my parents that it is possible for people to become mentally unwell and cease to function. Hence why I was on a section in hospital. 

      I understand the feelings you have, it's a long term battle dealing with mental illness and eventually you might get to a point where you accept that you can't live in the same way as everyone else, with the same amount of spontaneity and freedom. It's a hard truth to come to terms with but I guess once you do acknowledge it, some of the self blame might ease.

    • hypercat
      hypercat audrey96558

      Posted

      H I emphasise with you about your family and friends as mine don't understand either.   When I told one sister I was sufering from depression she just said 'What have you got to be depressed about?'  So I never mention it now.

      Stop trying to talk to your family about it as it is pulling you down and making you feel worse.   If they refuse to understand there is no point in keeping trying is there?   You are flogging a dead horse there and for your own sake stop trying.   This is very common as often families either don't want to or can't understand.

      We understand and are here to support and help each other.  It's not perfect I know but sometimes it's all we have.   The only place I don't feel alone with it is on here.   So keep coming in and talking to us Audrey and we will do our best.  Lots of hugs

      Bev x  

  • anne240
    anne240 audrey96558

    Posted

    You have us here so don't feel too alone.  I have lived alone for 30 yeasrs except for pets, but I think loneliness is very difficult to deal with.  I don't sleep well either, never have. 

    Depression takes away so much.  People who have not experienced depression rreally have trouble understanding it.  I think we all find that.  Just one close friend or memberof the family who you can talk to does help.  Many people feel there is a stigma about having a mental illness and like you say dismiss it as nothing important.  I hate this "get a grip" that gets said.  If we could we would wouldn't we.  But we can't "get a grip". 

    Keep posting here and we all understand and care.

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 anne240

      Posted

      Hi,

      Thank you for being so kind.

      You're right, I think loneliness is so difficult because even when I'm with friends I still feel so lonely, because I know they don't understand how I feel in my head.

      It's not through lack of trying to explain either. They're just firm "non-believers". I said to my psychologist it's like trying to convince somebody to believe in ghosts. It's like people have they're minds made up; either ghosts are real or ghosts are not. But the problem is that there isn't really any room for debate when it comes to depression.

      It is an illness. Simple as that. It's a very real thing and so I get SO frustrated when I try and talk to people about it and they just switch off like I'm crazy, like I'm making it up. Which I'm obviously not.

      Who would want to invent this reality to live in? Apparently I'm "so lucky" that I don't work. I'd give anything to be able to work!

      People act like this is some way I've decided to live my life, rather than it being imposed on me. Honestly what id give for some normality; a job, some sleep, not having to constantly check the hob is off, not leaving the house and then having to go back in to make sure I've shut all the windows, not having panic attacks all the time. All of this is exhausting. And I'm "lucky" I don't work?

      A lot of people get to work 9-5 and then they come home, and relax. My job of battling this awful depression is all day, everyday. I don't even get any peace from sleep.

      I'm so fed up honestly I just can't even express how desperate I am to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

      Sorry for ranting xx

    • aedii9
      aedii9 audrey96558

      Posted

      I understand the frustration, I would also like to be able to have a job and develop a  career for myself but I can't right now. You have to accept that people don't understand what they've never known, it's impossible for a person who has never even been mildly depressed to comprehend the depths of suffering that some people experience. It's a pointless task to fight your corner, those with a caring  and those who are good listeners are the people you need around. 

      Depression is solitary though, as with all conditions of this sort (and many physical conditions I'd imagine) it's something you have to address on your own. At the end of the day, there's no one else inside your head but you, you have to be the one to decide to fight it. Depression is also frustrating because you don't lose insight, the cruelty is that you are fully aware of how pathetic you feel (and might look to others) but you actually can't stop it. Someone once said to me that being depressed is like being forced to stuff your life into a toilet and ram it down with your foot.

  • ema65741
    ema65741 audrey96558

    Posted

    do what makes you happy, find friends and it would be good if you would search for help
  • MRcountry
    MRcountry audrey96558

    Posted

    i really feel for you i struggle to excist and go to work to feel normal but its killing me inside

    what you have writen is how  many people inculding me feel  on daily basis anybody who has never suffered with depreeion will never know the pain 

    all you get it will get better pull yourself together like that helps to have a week of would be heaven and about the masks thats so me just to keep the peace when you get ask and how are you ? if you told most people the truth they shy away or change the subject i knowitsnot much help but i know where you are.

    people say suicide is easy way out they have no idea at ALL 

    • aedii9
      aedii9 MRcountry

      Posted

      I agree. Suicide is not an easy way out. I think sometimes people are more scared of living than they are of dying - for someone to be able to overide the instinct to live and protect your life must mean their pain is enormous.

      That's what people who aren't depressed don't realise, a lot of them just think depressed people kill themselves because they don't want to face up to responsibility. It's not that though, when I'm suicidal it's more a feeling of being so sick of existing and having no life left in you, that actually being dead sounds like an improvement.

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 aedii9

      Posted

      I get this weird feeling, I wouldn't exactly call it suicidal but its almost like that.

      It's like I don't want to be living my life but I don't wont to be dead either.

      I can only explain it as wanting my life to be on pause, my brain and body to be in pause.

      Like I need a break from everyone and everything, and myself. But I don't want it to be permanent, just for long enough to feel better.

      I don't know if that rambling makes any sense to anybody lol but that's the best way I can describe it.

    • aedii9
      aedii9 audrey96558

      Posted

      It makes sense to me. I always think "I want to hibernate". I have no urge to live but I don't want to kill myself either. It's like living in limbo.

      Some days I do feel like I could kill myself but I would never do something like that unless I was absolutely sure. For me to be absolutely sure, I'd hvee to make a plan and not just be apathetic. Most of the time I'm just apathetic so I don't try and kill myself.

      I have made suicidal gestures before and it was traumatic. I don't think I realised it would just make things worse, I thought it would be a release. I did end up getting addicted to taking overdoses as a means of self harm/coping and very nearly killed myself. Never doing that again.

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 aedii9

      Posted

      Hibernate exactly!

      But in my ideal hibernation world I'd wake up and all my problems would be fixed. Which I know isn't going to happen!

      I don't think I could ever commit suicide because I still have this tiny little flicker of hope inside me that things will get better. Like they have to in some way? Like its not possible things couldn't improve because I'm already so far down, it's just a law of averages in some way that I'm SO far down, I must be entitled to a bit of "up"? I know I'm not articulating myself very well, my brain is a bit of a muddle at the moment!

      That thing you said about sleep, I think it's a primal thing that your brain flicks to that sleep will restore you in some way. I get so little sleep these days and have such horrific nightmares and wake up screaming or at my front door and I don't know how I've got there... Just don't seem to be able to get any peace!

      I've never tried any suicidal gestures but I went through this phase of almost deliberately putting myself in harms way. Going out drinking too much, going home with random strangers id never met, nobody knowing where I was as I'd constructed such a web of lies to everyone. It was like self sabotage, because I knew I was playing with fire. It was that that gave me the release I guess, playing Russian roulette with my safety.

      I pray I never go down that route again too.

    • aedii9
      aedii9 audrey96558

      Posted

      I understand that, I get a lot of nightmares too and headaches which are probably related to lack of sleep.

      I don't think I'd really want to wake up from my hibernation if I could go into it, I like what hypercat said - just that you can fade away. I'm too healthy to justify dying by my own hand too, I don't want to exist but I'm sure as hell not brave enough to try and end it. I guess if you don't have your mental health you have precious little. You need your mind to not be against you so you can live contendedly.. not "happily" because honeslty I don't really know what that is, just to be content and not want to cease existing. I feel like I am just carrying around this heavy feeling in my head.. maybe my body is just trying to get me to withdraw, or maybe it's negative symptoms of schizophrenia. I don't really want to know to be honest.

  • aedii9
    aedii9 audrey96558

    Posted

    I also think it's natural to want to hide away and/or just sleep all the time or go into hibernation because sleep is the only time we're not fully aware of ourselves. It's like an escape. Sleep is peaceful. Life is not peaceful.

     

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