So lonely.

Posted , 6 users are following.

I just feel so alone.

I barely sleep at all. I average about 3 hours a night but even then it's filled with nightmares that wake me up screaming, or in agony from clenching my jaw so hard, or with indentations in my hand where I've clenched my nails into myself.

Now I have this virus, nothing serious but Im getting even less sleep. I'm exhausted. And everyone is asleep whilst I'm wide awake.

I feel isolated. I toss between wanting to ditch everyone and everything in my life (despite having a partner who I adore and also care for) and wanting to stay in bed the whole time, lock the doors and be with no one but my partner.

I can't remember the last time we had any fun. We are in our 20s. Early 20s. And our lives are a barrage of illness and medical appointments.

I just want a week of normality.

Not a trip abroad or millions of £s... Just a week where I don't have to help him bathe. A week where he doesn't have to remind me to eat. A week when I want to and feel able to shower. That's it. Maybe a trip to the pub?

Nobody in my family wants to believe in mental health issues (despite my family tree being littered with suicides and inpatient treatment for depression). It's just like they want to bury it deep, which I get, it just makes me feel even more isolated.

I don't want to waste my life but right now I feel as though I'm just literally getting through each day; there's no enjoyment, no genuine laughter or happiness.

I can't help but feel sorry for myself in my situation.

I can't help but feel anger towards those who tell me to "get a grip".

I'm trying so hard to get a grip sometimes I think I'm wearing myself down more.

I've got so many masks I put on now for various friends and family, I feel I'm starting to lose myself.

I just feel so alone.

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  • Posted

    Hi I emphasis with you but you are not alone anymore as you have us.   A lot of people including family don't understand or want to understand depression but we know all about it on here.    People will often say 'get a grip'  or 'snap out of it'  or 'pull yourself together'  like you are a pair of curtains.   

    It does sound like depression and the only way you are going to get help and treatment is going to your doctor.   Meds and/or counselling might help so please make that appointment and go.   

    Remember we are here for you.    x

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    • Posted

      Hi,

      Thank you for responding, it's very kind of you.

      I guess it's just that I know I have depression, I just seem to spend my life trying to convince family and friends that it exists. And that I have it.

      I've had it for 10 years now and still my own dad, my best friends, my extended family, they just dismiss me as if I am not trying hard enough.

      I've tried all the anti depressants under the sun they just don't really work for me, my psychologist thinks its because I have a number of other issues such as PTSD, OCD, panic attacks and insomnia that haven't been properly dealt with over the years.

      He's trying now to help me deal with these issues but because of limited funding he himself has admitted we won't get all the work that needs to be done, done in the time we have.

      So then I'm back with no help again. I've already exhausted all the appointments I'm entitled to with counsellors and CBT therapists, I've seen a psychiatrist too. But after my sessions with my psychologist run out that's kind of it.

      Like what do I do then? When I've tried all the meds? When I can't get any talk therapy?

      It just further adds to my feelings of loneliness.

      Thank you for being there and being kind x

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    • Posted

      Having disbelieving and unsympathetic family can worsen mental health issues. When I first got ill I was only 18 and constantly being told by my parents to "pull my socks up", "stop moping", "grow up and take responsibility" etc etc. Unfortunately I got really ill a year later and was in hospital for quite some time, it took a plain speaking psychiatrist to spell out to my parents that it is possible for people to become mentally unwell and cease to function. Hence why I was on a section in hospital. 

      I understand the feelings you have, it's a long term battle dealing with mental illness and eventually you might get to a point where you accept that you can't live in the same way as everyone else, with the same amount of spontaneity and freedom. It's a hard truth to come to terms with but I guess once you do acknowledge it, some of the self blame might ease.

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    • Posted

      H I emphasise with you about your family and friends as mine don't understand either.   When I told one sister I was sufering from depression she just said 'What have you got to be depressed about?'  So I never mention it now.

      Stop trying to talk to your family about it as it is pulling you down and making you feel worse.   If they refuse to understand there is no point in keeping trying is there?   You are flogging a dead horse there and for your own sake stop trying.   This is very common as often families either don't want to or can't understand.

      We understand and are here to support and help each other.  It's not perfect I know but sometimes it's all we have.   The only place I don't feel alone with it is on here.   So keep coming in and talking to us Audrey and we will do our best.  Lots of hugs

      Bev x  

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  • Posted

    You have us here so don't feel too alone.  I have lived alone for 30 yeasrs except for pets, but I think loneliness is very difficult to deal with.  I don't sleep well either, never have. 

    Depression takes away so much.  People who have not experienced depression rreally have trouble understanding it.  I think we all find that.  Just one close friend or memberof the family who you can talk to does help.  Many people feel there is a stigma about having a mental illness and like you say dismiss it as nothing important.  I hate this "get a grip" that gets said.  If we could we would wouldn't we.  But we can't "get a grip". 

    Keep posting here and we all understand and care.

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    • Posted

      Hi,

      Thank you for being so kind.

      You're right, I think loneliness is so difficult because even when I'm with friends I still feel so lonely, because I know they don't understand how I feel in my head.

      It's not through lack of trying to explain either. They're just firm "non-believers". I said to my psychologist it's like trying to convince somebody to believe in ghosts. It's like people have they're minds made up; either ghosts are real or ghosts are not. But the problem is that there isn't really any room for debate when it comes to depression.

      It is an illness. Simple as that. It's a very real thing and so I get SO frustrated when I try and talk to people about it and they just switch off like I'm crazy, like I'm making it up. Which I'm obviously not.

      Who would want to invent this reality to live in? Apparently I'm "so lucky" that I don't work. I'd give anything to be able to work!

      People act like this is some way I've decided to live my life, rather than it being imposed on me. Honestly what id give for some normality; a job, some sleep, not having to constantly check the hob is off, not leaving the house and then having to go back in to make sure I've shut all the windows, not having panic attacks all the time. All of this is exhausting. And I'm "lucky" I don't work?

      A lot of people get to work 9-5 and then they come home, and relax. My job of battling this awful depression is all day, everyday. I don't even get any peace from sleep.

      I'm so fed up honestly I just can't even express how desperate I am to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

      Sorry for ranting xx

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    • Posted

      I understand the frustration, I would also like to be able to have a job and develop a  career for myself but I can't right now. You have to accept that people don't understand what they've never known, it's impossible for a person who has never even been mildly depressed to comprehend the depths of suffering that some people experience. It's a pointless task to fight your corner, those with a caring  and those who are good listeners are the people you need around. 

      Depression is solitary though, as with all conditions of this sort (and many physical conditions I'd imagine) it's something you have to address on your own. At the end of the day, there's no one else inside your head but you, you have to be the one to decide to fight it. Depression is also frustrating because you don't lose insight, the cruelty is that you are fully aware of how pathetic you feel (and might look to others) but you actually can't stop it. Someone once said to me that being depressed is like being forced to stuff your life into a toilet and ram it down with your foot.

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