So scared, so lost, so unmotivated, my mind can't handle it all

I just don't even know where to begin with this really.  I just feel ultra lost in life and confused but most of all just terrified and I have long ago lost all motivation and any sense of hope or enjoyment in life.  I feel I have lost all direction and my life feels completely out of my control.  I am just existing and going along with whatever happens to me like a rag doll.  I feel helpless in life like a child who is scared and has lost its mother - just so terrified.  I am deeply embarrassed by this.  I feel no sense of self worth, my confidence and self esteem is at its lowest ever .... life has passed me by and almost all of this time has been as a pathetic and hopeless cas.  I have always been exceptionally sensitive and I always feel that I was not meant to be on this earth because somebody as weak as me just cannot survive here without self destructing or being destroyed by life's reality.  I feel deeply ashamed of myself and my anxiety and depression.  Completely pathetic and useless as a human being even though deep inside I also feel such a sense of sadness for myself like part of me still wants to reach deep and give me a big hug and save myself but I keep failing at this.  I imagine I would excel in another type of land or in another world where I am just able to be in peace and the way I am and be left alone.  I have already been through the days of finding small bursts of habits to keep me going - like playing computer games, or chatting online etc .... I have also been through under eating, over eating, binge eating, losing weight, gaining weight, not dressing, not washing, lying in bed - crying at the tiniest issues - worrying about worst case scenarios in life, and also feeling so completely  lost as to what to do with myself. I get scared in life to the point of paranoia.  I imagine the absolute worst will happen - getting into trouble, ending up in prison, ending up in a vulnerable situation, homeless, etc, etc, etc .... I find it really hard to trust myself, let alone other people because I feel I have no skills to cope in life.  I feel tense around others and only peaceful when I am all alone in solitude .... but this is also very lonely and isolating place to be.   I feel a source of guilt in terms of any relationship with my family - because they have not been able to help me - they have not been able to aid in my dysfunctional mind and circumstances.  I have felt trapped, hysterical and like a I am verging on psychotic at times - shouting, throwing things, anger, tears.  All this has already been and gone.  I have visited psychologists in the past as well as psychiatrists - but they have never diagnosed me with anything else besides general depression and anxiety.  And as I am particularly well able to articulate my feelings and problems lucidly and with intelligence then they do not realise the extent of my problem and the absolute unbearable sense of fears, paranoias, misery I feel inside I think.  It's as though I have never fallen into any 'categor'y. I think this is because I have quite a variety of psychological difficulties that all merge into each other sometimes and of course feed off one another. Because I have managed to hang on (to all outward appearances) to some kind of sanity, they do not see the real picture of the chaos in my mind and body.  I have suffered 3 strange 'episodes' in the last 15 years where I have lost sensation in my body and face and it has never returned.  This remained something of a mystery to doctors and I was eventually diagnosed with some kind of neuropathy or anxiety related bodily symptoms.  Physical manifestation of anxiety even though some of them argued my symptoms were not typical or fitting.  These reduced sensations have never resolved or returned and I now live with reduced and diminished sensation including not being able to sense pleasure sensations like massages or orgasms, pain.  I feel adverse to sex and always have - somehow I (sometimes) find it a bit dirty and repulsive and feel violated and I cannot live with how I feel because I feel like a freak to feel that way without any reason that I can recall.  I have no history of abuse that I can recall - just an anxious mother with some depression and negativity in her own thinking.  Apart from this I have just been scared since always and have never had the strength or courage to pull myself out and I am now at my worst point ever and have given up on life and am just existing.  I have tried within my very limitied mental means to pull myself out by attempting life changes in the past but have been crippled by my own anxieties and fears and these attempts have ultimately ended in the same patterns of failure.  I lack any sense of ability or life resources, no sense of strength and I am aimless in life - feeling as helpless as if I were a newborn.  I do not see the meaning or point in anything and feel it so diffiult to think of anything that would make me want to see a glimmer of light and really try again.  Been there, done that before.  Already too tired.   I feel like I want a parent figure to come guide me step by step and pull me out from this hole.  But that is just ridiculous and the more I think of how I should be able to manage my life, the more ashamed I feel of my bleak and fearful reality.  I now find myself in a very stressful situation in life currently.  And I arrived here through my own desperation and hysteria to escape my last situation and lack of seeing any other way out - an out of the frying pan into the fire situation.  I have tried in the past medication, cbt, citalopram medication ..... I am so sad that I have come to this point but I do not know how to get better or where to begin ..... so much seems to have happened inside my mind that I am genuinely afraid that I have gone quite mad (but am still managing to pretend to be sane) ... I cannot cope with the vast amount of emotions and their intense strength that I feel in terms of everything seeming so dark, desperate, scary, chaotic and my mind just can't process it all.  Particularly it just all feels a lot of thoughts for a tiny tiny mind to have.  I just thought I would write about it.  I have been through a lot of weird phases, living on baby food for a while, labelling the calories on everything, Obsessive tendencies to tidy everything to the extreme just to have an element of control in my life .... I have a problem with OCD where everything in my home has to be perfect and tidy and straight otherwise I feel very anxious and restless and as though things are dirty or that I have lost all control completely.  If I lose the ability to control even my home or food then I feel I will have absolutely nothing since the rest of my life is so far gone.  But the pressure this extreme thinking gives me is unbearable to live with and makes me tired and cry when I don't match up to my own pressure and standards.  I take ages to get ready every day on the days when I feel able to try and go out because I feel I have to put on a pretence of appearing respectable and 'ok' .... the reality is sometimes I cry, shout, like a toddler who can't handle adult life and who can't dress herself or manage her well-being and life.  Afraid.  Lost.  Unmotivated.  My mind wants it all to go blank.  I want peace.  Feel a complete loser in life.  Just want to float away quietly on a cloud or sleep and not wake up sometimes and just drift off into a haze where the last thing I think about is something uplifting and peaceful and far from the reality of this overwhelming life.  I feel guilty to myself and to the world for being this way.  The only way my stupid dreamy mind sometimes justifies it is to pretend I am a fairy from another world who was made perfectly but has come to an imperfect world and cannot hack it because it's too far from my own world.  And I imagine this particular thought in a sane way, not an insane way ... I realise I am not really this person but this is the best way I am able to get any comfort in how I feel in this life.

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