So scared, so lost, so unmotivated, my mind can't handle it all
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I just don't even know where to begin with this really. I just feel ultra lost in life and confused but most of all just terrified and I have long ago lost all motivation and any sense of hope or enjoyment in life. I feel I have lost all direction and my life feels completely out of my control. I am just existing and going along with whatever happens to me like a rag doll. I feel helpless in life like a child who is scared and has lost its mother - just so terrified. I am deeply embarrassed by this. I feel no sense of self worth, my confidence and self esteem is at its lowest ever .... life has passed me by and almost all of this time has been as a pathetic and hopeless cas. I have always been exceptionally sensitive and I always feel that I was not meant to be on this earth because somebody as weak as me just cannot survive here without self destructing or being destroyed by life's reality. I feel deeply ashamed of myself and my anxiety and depression. Completely pathetic and useless as a human being even though deep inside I also feel such a sense of sadness for myself like part of me still wants to reach deep and give me a big hug and save myself but I keep failing at this. I imagine I would excel in another type of land or in another world where I am just able to be in peace and the way I am and be left alone. I have already been through the days of finding small bursts of habits to keep me going - like playing computer games, or chatting online etc .... I have also been through under eating, over eating, binge eating, losing weight, gaining weight, not dressing, not washing, lying in bed - crying at the tiniest issues - worrying about worst case scenarios in life, and also feeling so completely lost as to what to do with myself. I get scared in life to the point of paranoia. I imagine the absolute worst will happen - getting into trouble, ending up in prison, ending up in a vulnerable situation, homeless, etc, etc, etc .... I find it really hard to trust myself, let alone other people because I feel I have no skills to cope in life. I feel tense around others and only peaceful when I am all alone in solitude .... but this is also very lonely and isolating place to be. I feel a source of guilt in terms of any relationship with my family - because they have not been able to help me - they have not been able to aid in my dysfunctional mind and circumstances. I have felt trapped, hysterical and like a I am verging on psychotic at times - shouting, throwing things, anger, tears. All this has already been and gone. I have visited psychologists in the past as well as psychiatrists - but they have never diagnosed me with anything else besides general depression and anxiety. And as I am particularly well able to articulate my feelings and problems lucidly and with intelligence then they do not realise the extent of my problem and the absolute unbearable sense of fears, paranoias, misery I feel inside I think. It's as though I have never fallen into any 'categor'y. I think this is because I have quite a variety of psychological difficulties that all merge into each other sometimes and of course feed off one another. Because I have managed to hang on (to all outward appearances) to some kind of sanity, they do not see the real picture of the chaos in my mind and body. I have suffered 3 strange 'episodes' in the last 15 years where I have lost sensation in my body and face and it has never returned. This remained something of a mystery to doctors and I was eventually diagnosed with some kind of neuropathy or anxiety related bodily symptoms. Physical manifestation of anxiety even though some of them argued my symptoms were not typical or fitting. These reduced sensations have never resolved or returned and I now live with reduced and diminished sensation including not being able to sense pleasure sensations like massages or orgasms, pain. I feel adverse to sex and always have - somehow I (sometimes) find it a bit dirty and repulsive and feel violated and I cannot live with how I feel because I feel like a freak to feel that way without any reason that I can recall. I have no history of abuse that I can recall - just an anxious mother with some depression and negativity in her own thinking. Apart from this I have just been scared since always and have never had the strength or courage to pull myself out and I am now at my worst point ever and have given up on life and am just existing. I have tried within my very limitied mental means to pull myself out by attempting life changes in the past but have been crippled by my own anxieties and fears and these attempts have ultimately ended in the same patterns of failure. I lack any sense of ability or life resources, no sense of strength and I am aimless in life - feeling as helpless as if I were a newborn. I do not see the meaning or point in anything and feel it so diffiult to think of anything that would make me want to see a glimmer of light and really try again. Been there, done that before. Already too tired. I feel like I want a parent figure to come guide me step by step and pull me out from this hole. But that is just ridiculous and the more I think of how I should be able to manage my life, the more ashamed I feel of my bleak and fearful reality. I now find myself in a very stressful situation in life currently. And I arrived here through my own desperation and hysteria to escape my last situation and lack of seeing any other way out - an out of the frying pan into the fire situation. I have tried in the past medication, cbt, citalopram medication ..... I am so sad that I have come to this point but I do not know how to get better or where to begin ..... so much seems to have happened inside my mind that I am genuinely afraid that I have gone quite mad (but am still managing to pretend to be sane) ... I cannot cope with the vast amount of emotions and their intense strength that I feel in terms of everything seeming so dark, desperate, scary, chaotic and my mind just can't process it all. Particularly it just all feels a lot of thoughts for a tiny tiny mind to have. I just thought I would write about it. I have been through a lot of weird phases, living on baby food for a while, labelling the calories on everything, Obsessive tendencies to tidy everything to the extreme just to have an element of control in my life .... I have a problem with OCD where everything in my home has to be perfect and tidy and straight otherwise I feel very anxious and restless and as though things are dirty or that I have lost all control completely. If I lose the ability to control even my home or food then I feel I will have absolutely nothing since the rest of my life is so far gone. But the pressure this extreme thinking gives me is unbearable to live with and makes me tired and cry when I don't match up to my own pressure and standards. I take ages to get ready every day on the days when I feel able to try and go out because I feel I have to put on a pretence of appearing respectable and 'ok' .... the reality is sometimes I cry, shout, like a toddler who can't handle adult life and who can't dress herself or manage her well-being and life. Afraid. Lost. Unmotivated. My mind wants it all to go blank. I want peace. Feel a complete loser in life. Just want to float away quietly on a cloud or sleep and not wake up sometimes and just drift off into a haze where the last thing I think about is something uplifting and peaceful and far from the reality of this overwhelming life. I feel guilty to myself and to the world for being this way. The only way my stupid dreamy mind sometimes justifies it is to pretend I am a fairy from another world who was made perfectly but has come to an imperfect world and cannot hack it because it's too far from my own world. And I imagine this particular thought in a sane way, not an insane way ... I realise I am not really this person but this is the best way I am able to get any comfort in how I feel in this life.
19 likes, 186 replies
liv2701 claire68228
Posted
I literally just made an account to reply to this post. This made me cry just how much I could relate to how you feel. It has been a year now and I was considering suicide but decided to google how I felt and found this.
I have been depressed and dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember. But recent problem made me had my first panic attack and since then been dealing with DR/DP, it has been almost a year now and i feel like life is meaningless and therefore pointless. I'm not even depressed now I feel nothing but this exact feeling make me suicidal. I already got lists of how I could kill myself the quickest and some seem quite easy. To some this might sound depressive but mood wise, I am quite stable lately. I'm just tired and don't want to exist anymore. I got no one to talk to about this here, as I would feel too embarassed. People would think I'm too old to be dealing with these mental issues.
But reading this made me feel less lonely. I know exactly how painful the loneliness could get and reading this make me feel less alone. So thank you, also reading the comments give me hope. But I would like to actually talk to you because it seems like everyone gotta feel this lonely from time to time, i cannot be the only one, but how come no one has ever reached out? How are they so comfortable because I cannot take it anymore life is just sooo tiring at this point.
Like you i cannot find joy in anything anymore. I don't get along with myself, I hate how my mind works. I depend my wellbeing on other people (family or closest friends) because I would feel too paranoid to be left alone with my mind. But they are just distractions and I couldnt blame them if they arent always available because in the end they made me function for a while but not healed. Although I could have slept better with them around, I could have talked to them instead of hurting myself, I could have eaten. But I feel broken, like I am a broken thing and someone this broken is nothing but a burden to our society. The only reason why I havent killed myself is that I couldnt bare the thought of my parents mourning over my death. That and the uncertainty of what comes after death but thats whatever.
I went to doctors but their meds only made my anxiety worse. It got to a point where it felt physical so i did some check up but didnt find anything wrong with me. I tried self talk, meditating, yoga, exercising, writing a journal, gave up coffee/alcohol/cigarettes, took vitamins, eat regularly, nothing. I am so desperate i started smoking and drinking again, i gave up to my mind and abandoned many responsibilities, having poor diet, sleep all day, play games or watch movies, not showering. I guess i just need someone who understand and like you said, helped me. But who am i kidding, the only one who could help me is me and i dont even get along with myself. would love to hear from you again, have u found something useful?
Gingerscorpio77 liv2701
Posted
k83547 Gingerscorpio77
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Sounds exactly how I feel Gingerscorpio77 we are also the same age. The guilt of feeling this way as a mother is horrible. I'm the same can't cook can't clean can't shower. I used to be so OCD about all these things and have totally given up it's horrible. I have horrible intrusive thoughts. My son had an accident this year and is left blind in one eye. Every time I look at him my heart breaks and I get more deeply depressed. I feel so unproductive useless hopeless. I feel I've totally destroyed my children's lives to. Feeling lonely feeling like you are a stranger to your children and close family. I feel lost and look miserable. I resigned to stay at home but it made me worse. I'm on medication after medication but nothing seems to work as all I do is obsess about how I'm feeling. Mornings are the worse. It's a horrible illness. I cannot stand relatives or friend that say be strong you your kids need you. I have nothing left to give I can't even look after myself. Thank you for sharing. Please write back so we can share feelings. Take care
k83547 liv2701
Posted
I feel the same liv2701. It's heartbreaking it's horrible I know how you live I am the same. I feel like everyone is happy and going on with their lives except for me stuck trapped terrified and also panic about thoughts about future or if I'll ever get better. I hope you are doing better but I know how hard it is to get out of behaviour due to illness and severe depression.
ann55375 k83547
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k83547 ann55375
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I hope there is a way out of feeling like this I haven't been able to feel it for the past year sadly.. medications are tricky. We all wish meds are eventually going to help but it's hard as they all have different side effects. I'm currently on efexor and also Valium to calm my anxious OCD thoughts. I want to feel like everyone else out there too the way I used to be a year ago. My depression anxiety and panic has always been with me but I've always been able to manage it until this year. I'm spiralling aoutbof control and getting worse. The sad thing about mental health is that there is hardly any recognition and the seriousness we want. I've thought about going to a place where people who feel the same way with mental health get together and support one another, talk about how they feel and what they are going through. I'm sick of doctors who are not professional in this area and make me feel stupid for even seeing them when all I get is "it's been a year and you still haven't pulled up". That is the worst thing you can say to someone who struggles with depression. I want to be my old self I want to be happy I want to be positive so obviously there is something wrong and we need proper professional care. All these so called doctors don't help. Sadly.. the only thing I've learned from my struggle is that everyone out there expects you to help yourself and no one wants to know you if you feel down. So disappointing so discouraging. I also feel agitated with myself. I was so active and now I just don't want to do anything which is not like me. It's like something has taken over my mind and body it's a horrible feeling.
Have you tried any medications or seek counselling?? It may help you to talk to me if you don't mind. We can help one another, there needs to be more people out there with the same mental stuggles willing to help by consoling to each other. Thank you
ann55375 k83547
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i have done cbt, no use, mirtazapine just now with valium. Feel nauseous and have nightmares on this regime. I am going to try to get off these but wonder if its worth trying any others, i have done and theyve failed. Going it alone is scary.
happy to continue to keep corresponding if we can help with struggles, happy for others to chime in if in same predicament
k83547 ann55375
Posted
I find it hard to do it on my own too ann55375 I found myself addicted mentally and physically to Valiums now and I really want to get off as well and be mentally strong like I used to be but somehow at this point in my life I'm unable to do just that. I have people around me but still feel alone to a very scary point. I feel like I need significant support like a child who needs to be held by the hand to get the help I need and deserve. Do you find it hard to shower and so house chores? It's so upsetting to me as I used to be OCD with cleaning anything and everything had to be in place clean neat and tidy but now I'm total opposite just trying to get through the day and pray for night time to come quick so my depression eases a little bit.
ann55375 k83547
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chris26929 liv2701
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jeane96350 liv2701
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kitsgale claire68228
Posted
Thank you for sharing your story. After having a particularly bad night, I went searching for a piece of writing that would make me feel less alone and thankfully I found this. One of the main emotions I feel is guilt for other people as they have to deal with me being the way I am. I just feel on a completely different planet to the rest of the world and I don't know how to stop it. Speaking to other people who understand is one of the only ways I can calm down a little and I think it's important that people like us share their story.
BraunWynn kitsgale
Posted
Varoius common traits we share and or understand; shame, self harm, zero esteem, guilt, addictions, various mental health issues, lethargy, lonliness and dihabilating sadness.
Whatever our diagnoses are our collective hearts profoundly understand one another's suffering. Presently, I have joined a supportive mental health group at my local hospital.It's once a week. It is a safe and supportive environment. And I am trying to force myself to get extra help because I need it. I am low functioning because of my severe bipolar and my cognitive learning disability doesn't help.
My daughter had a horrific upbringing because of my undiagnised bipolar with psychotic features. Divorced and then I lived common law in a very abusive relationship. My daughter lived in the abuse as well plus her mom being severely mentally ill.
My mental illness ravaged good judgement and hindered my living and social skills. I broke my daughter's heart and spirit because of my mental illness. I have asked for forgiveness and take my meds and keep my doctor's appointments because now I can see how mentally ill I was and for 37 years. Just last year I was finally diagnosed properly as opposed to misdiagnosed six times previously.
My daughter still loves me but she requested me and her dad not to come to her wedding this August.
Broke my heart to pieces and squashed my spirit of hope. But this is what I deserve for not meeting her childhood needs and squashing her spirit and breaking her heart.
Like some of you shared, you would rather be dead and to go so far as to search, how to kill yourself, I am honestly wanting to as well. I told my doctor I am thinking about it and I have started to think how to and what needs to be done. I can't bear my child's hurt, my shame, and living with my mental illness. Been over a year and my doc and I are still tweaking my meds at my weekly visits.
Tired, me too, and I give, my chronic illness and the chaos and sadness, I don't want this either.
Thank you for reading
k83547 BraunWynn
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How are you feeling now? Are you on medication or getting counselling?
BraunWynn k83547
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Your kind response is really appreciated btw. Do you have a diagnosis from a psychiatrist? I feel for you too. Depression consumes everything inside and outside. Like you , I know it too. I think my doc finally found the right meds for me. However, my reality of personal circumstances are really lame. My cat is my rescuer. Right now she gives me a reason to move forward. How do you get through your day?
chris26929 BraunWynn
Posted
I just get bye how I really don't know I just do I've been getting bye just barley I find little things to do to keep my thoughts st bay my mind can really me messed up so I hope on the 16th I get some form of meds to help me cope
chris26929 k83547
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No I have no meds yet and I can't even get energy to go to counsilling or anything else how are doing I hope things get better for you
BraunWynn chris26929
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It's not your fault, this is an illness. On the 16th, it sounds like you may have have some relief. I struggle with my mental health too. It sucks and I wish this illness on nobody. Keep trying and don't be hard on yourself.
chris26929 BraunWynn
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