So scared, so lost, so unmotivated, my mind can't handle it all
Posted , 121 users are following.
I just don't even know where to begin with this really. I just feel ultra lost in life and confused but most of all just terrified and I have long ago lost all motivation and any sense of hope or enjoyment in life. I feel I have lost all direction and my life feels completely out of my control. I am just existing and going along with whatever happens to me like a rag doll. I feel helpless in life like a child who is scared and has lost its mother - just so terrified. I am deeply embarrassed by this. I feel no sense of self worth, my confidence and self esteem is at its lowest ever .... life has passed me by and almost all of this time has been as a pathetic and hopeless cas. I have always been exceptionally sensitive and I always feel that I was not meant to be on this earth because somebody as weak as me just cannot survive here without self destructing or being destroyed by life's reality. I feel deeply ashamed of myself and my anxiety and depression. Completely pathetic and useless as a human being even though deep inside I also feel such a sense of sadness for myself like part of me still wants to reach deep and give me a big hug and save myself but I keep failing at this. I imagine I would excel in another type of land or in another world where I am just able to be in peace and the way I am and be left alone. I have already been through the days of finding small bursts of habits to keep me going - like playing computer games, or chatting online etc .... I have also been through under eating, over eating, binge eating, losing weight, gaining weight, not dressing, not washing, lying in bed - crying at the tiniest issues - worrying about worst case scenarios in life, and also feeling so completely lost as to what to do with myself. I get scared in life to the point of paranoia. I imagine the absolute worst will happen - getting into trouble, ending up in prison, ending up in a vulnerable situation, homeless, etc, etc, etc .... I find it really hard to trust myself, let alone other people because I feel I have no skills to cope in life. I feel tense around others and only peaceful when I am all alone in solitude .... but this is also very lonely and isolating place to be. I feel a source of guilt in terms of any relationship with my family - because they have not been able to help me - they have not been able to aid in my dysfunctional mind and circumstances. I have felt trapped, hysterical and like a I am verging on psychotic at times - shouting, throwing things, anger, tears. All this has already been and gone. I have visited psychologists in the past as well as psychiatrists - but they have never diagnosed me with anything else besides general depression and anxiety. And as I am particularly well able to articulate my feelings and problems lucidly and with intelligence then they do not realise the extent of my problem and the absolute unbearable sense of fears, paranoias, misery I feel inside I think. It's as though I have never fallen into any 'categor'y. I think this is because I have quite a variety of psychological difficulties that all merge into each other sometimes and of course feed off one another. Because I have managed to hang on (to all outward appearances) to some kind of sanity, they do not see the real picture of the chaos in my mind and body. I have suffered 3 strange 'episodes' in the last 15 years where I have lost sensation in my body and face and it has never returned. This remained something of a mystery to doctors and I was eventually diagnosed with some kind of neuropathy or anxiety related bodily symptoms. Physical manifestation of anxiety even though some of them argued my symptoms were not typical or fitting. These reduced sensations have never resolved or returned and I now live with reduced and diminished sensation including not being able to sense pleasure sensations like massages or orgasms, pain. I feel adverse to sex and always have - somehow I (sometimes) find it a bit dirty and repulsive and feel violated and I cannot live with how I feel because I feel like a freak to feel that way without any reason that I can recall. I have no history of abuse that I can recall - just an anxious mother with some depression and negativity in her own thinking. Apart from this I have just been scared since always and have never had the strength or courage to pull myself out and I am now at my worst point ever and have given up on life and am just existing. I have tried within my very limitied mental means to pull myself out by attempting life changes in the past but have been crippled by my own anxieties and fears and these attempts have ultimately ended in the same patterns of failure. I lack any sense of ability or life resources, no sense of strength and I am aimless in life - feeling as helpless as if I were a newborn. I do not see the meaning or point in anything and feel it so diffiult to think of anything that would make me want to see a glimmer of light and really try again. Been there, done that before. Already too tired. I feel like I want a parent figure to come guide me step by step and pull me out from this hole. But that is just ridiculous and the more I think of how I should be able to manage my life, the more ashamed I feel of my bleak and fearful reality. I now find myself in a very stressful situation in life currently. And I arrived here through my own desperation and hysteria to escape my last situation and lack of seeing any other way out - an out of the frying pan into the fire situation. I have tried in the past medication, cbt, citalopram medication ..... I am so sad that I have come to this point but I do not know how to get better or where to begin ..... so much seems to have happened inside my mind that I am genuinely afraid that I have gone quite mad (but am still managing to pretend to be sane) ... I cannot cope with the vast amount of emotions and their intense strength that I feel in terms of everything seeming so dark, desperate, scary, chaotic and my mind just can't process it all. Particularly it just all feels a lot of thoughts for a tiny tiny mind to have. I just thought I would write about it. I have been through a lot of weird phases, living on baby food for a while, labelling the calories on everything, Obsessive tendencies to tidy everything to the extreme just to have an element of control in my life .... I have a problem with OCD where everything in my home has to be perfect and tidy and straight otherwise I feel very anxious and restless and as though things are dirty or that I have lost all control completely. If I lose the ability to control even my home or food then I feel I will have absolutely nothing since the rest of my life is so far gone. But the pressure this extreme thinking gives me is unbearable to live with and makes me tired and cry when I don't match up to my own pressure and standards. I take ages to get ready every day on the days when I feel able to try and go out because I feel I have to put on a pretence of appearing respectable and 'ok' .... the reality is sometimes I cry, shout, like a toddler who can't handle adult life and who can't dress herself or manage her well-being and life. Afraid. Lost. Unmotivated. My mind wants it all to go blank. I want peace. Feel a complete loser in life. Just want to float away quietly on a cloud or sleep and not wake up sometimes and just drift off into a haze where the last thing I think about is something uplifting and peaceful and far from the reality of this overwhelming life. I feel guilty to myself and to the world for being this way. The only way my stupid dreamy mind sometimes justifies it is to pretend I am a fairy from another world who was made perfectly but has come to an imperfect world and cannot hack it because it's too far from my own world. And I imagine this particular thought in a sane way, not an insane way ... I realise I am not really this person but this is the best way I am able to get any comfort in how I feel in this life.
19 likes, 186 replies
Gingerscorpio77 claire68228
Posted
BlueMage claire68228
Posted
Hi Claire!!
I just wanted to tell you that i also feel identified with most of the things you wrote. Especially the part about not feeling to be from this world (not as a fairy, as something different), I feel very distant from this world also in a sane way.
I know this post is old but i wanted to say thanks for expressing yourself over here, you really helped me not to feel alone, and also it seems like you helped many other people, not just the ones who commented, I'm sure there are plenty of more people.
I wanted to ask you how have you been doing after this years? And how have you been dealing with this? I feel like i don't know what to do now. Anyway, again, thank you for this.
Vonforum claire68228
Posted
Hello - I came across this thread by accident when searching for a forum where I could find people who sympathised and empathised with me.
I know some of the original posts are quite old by now but there are fairly recent ones too so I just wanted to say thank you to all the brave people who have posted details - I know how hard it is to write about the awful feelings.
I have had really, really wretched years (over 12) and have kept going because I'm too much of a coward to try to commit suicide (in case it didn't work). In the last week something has happened which just feels like one thing too many and I hate the thought of being put in a place where they will sedate me at first and then start me on months or years of therapy. I'm 62 and have held senior posts and been responsible for large teams of staff and now I'm hitting myself, screaming and reacting to all sorts of triggers such as particular words.
I had to get away and have booked into a hotel and of course am panicking right now - though it seems quiet, but I can't relax.
Sorry to just witter on selfishly but I wanted to say that I do feel for everyone who has posted on here.
anxious_lady Vonforum
Posted
Hello there
I was drawn to reply to your message earlier today but it doesn't seem to have appeared!!! In summary I was saying that I hoped you got on ok at the hotel couple of months ago and maybe things are on the up a bit for you now.
I am also 62 and finding depression and anxiety so much more difficult to bounce back from than when I was younger. I too had good jobs but it seems like another world. My dog is my best friend and taking him for a walk is difficult sometimes too as getting out of the house isn't always possible.
Although it helps to read of others in similar situation, I'd prefer that no one else had to feel this way. I'm hoping you are doing ok. Take care and wishing you well x
GhostandHerFish claire68228
Posted
Hi Claire,
My name's Amber, and I can completly resonate with how you feel. My life is passing me by too. My roomate/'ex partner' is moving out next month, and I am scared sh*tless that my life is going to fall apart, and I'll lose everything, but then I realize I have NO "life" TO LOSE. It's such an ironic feeling.
I struggle with intense anxiety, panic attacks beyond belief for a decade now, and super low self esteem. I blow off relationships like a betta fish builds bubble nests, and I otherwise have no close friends, only a couple who I seldom see for any support other than the occassional email exchange. Though I hope to see them soon! I have been subjected though to horrible conditions living with a monster for 5 years, so I DO have a history of domestic abuse and live with PTSD. I feel like I live like a modern day leper, but look 'normal' on the inside. I bought clothes with an alien icon on them, I feel like such an alien, PLUS a loser!!
My work and college and my betta fish are the only things that keep me going. No one else really is around to care or support me. My family is mainly elusive and friends are difficult to maintain, I end up shutting everyone out.
I will soon be living on my own in this apartment I'm renting. Just me and my betta fish. I will have to figure out ways to cope with my lonliness and find ways so I do not sink, financially, but more importantly, mentally.
I am in a constant battle with my PTSD flare ups, anxiety, depression, low self esteem. I worry about losing my job, my apartment, my car which is, i'll admit abit too expensive for the peasant likes of me, and most of all, I fear about losing my Betta Fish...he's the abiding company I've had and gone with me through two moves from another location/living arrangement.
I can TRULY sympathsize your your state of mind as written here.
Please stay strong. If I can do it, so can you!
~amber
GhostandHerFish
Posted
sorry I put your twice..which is meant to be a 'with'...
ben2100 claire68228
Posted
Wow, that's deep! And, so heartfelt and expressive, thank you for sharing. To you claire68228 and all who suffer in this way:
What is your purpose? What is your "why"? Find it, make it your "North Star", do not lose sight of it, let it be your guide through the inevitable dark of night and you will never feel lost again!
I hope that's useful, wishing you love and peace...
jeane96350 ben2100
Posted
Cgrimaldi7 claire68228
Posted
hello I would recommend you make sure this isn't a chemical imbalance before anything.
If it's not then I'll continue...I'm experiencing what you are as well with anxiety disorder. I'm 18 feeling lost and I've always felt like I've never had a place in this world. Everytime I read things about people experiencing very similar situations my brain automatically thinks "nobody is expereijcg what you are because you're crazy and you're alone in this entire universe or reality". It's that weird. I suffer from existential crisis when I have hopeless thoughts and it digs me deeper into depression. To be quite honest I think depression is all just FEAR. FEAR of the unknown. Fear sells, fear is honestly one of the strongest emotions. Fearing a scary thought or feeling can trigger your mind to give it importance and to be curious and dig deeper into it. That's how it is with depression. You just kinda overthink naturally and you let the thoughts define you. You are not lost you're just not familiar with your feelings and thoughts at the moment. You're still here and alive. You are a human being and your brain is NOTHING without your soul. Your thoughts don't define you. The sensation of feeling "normal" again is it really normal? You're transition to a reality of the unfamiliar which is filled with negative outputs because your brain is naturally like this when dealing with the u familiar. Your brain will perceive depression and the worst feeling and being stuck in a trap or cycle when in reality it isn't this way. You can get yourself out of this feeling with mindfulness and acknowledging fear and how it is only a feeling. After this phase you will see the world clearer and better. There is a way out I promise. I always lose hope when reading how long how others suffer from and how they accept that they'll always have depression. They haven't recognized what depression really is and how it's actually an experience that should enlighten you of the world around by giving you empathy and courage. You are a strong person and everything you do in this universe has value. Give value to everything and see the good in everything. I appreciate depression because it has given me a new sense of reality and life. I've been dealing with it for a while but realizing what it TRULY is is helping feel better day by day. I take a few or no steps everyday out of this phase and I know everyone dealing with this will find their way out and see the world differently. You can have moments of normal happiness or joy but it can also go back to the darkness again but that doesn't mean you're gonna feel like it forever.
anxious_lady claire68228
Posted
Hi Claire
i just read your posts and I can't believe how well you articulate your feelings and how what you say is so similar to how I feel right now and have been for most of my adult life. Your original post was 2 years ago so I hope things are perhaps a little easier for you now. You sound lovely and I hope things are getting better. How have you been coping?
I don't think I'm a very nice person as I spend so much time thinking of myself and letting others down. There's nobody in my life who understands anxiety and depression and I think perhaps I'm just very lazy as some days I can't even manage to get out of bed!!! Im sure the doctor doesn't even understand! have had some good times where I don't understand the low moods and why I couldn't cope but this time the depression and anxiety seems to have gone on forever!!! I was anxious since childhood but my sense of humour and fun got me through until I realised I couldn't cope with being a grown up so took pills just before my 18th and hurt my family so much! I'd work for a while and do well then the panic and anxiety would stop me living and I'd leave or lose my job! Anyway I depended too much on my family and thought they'd be there forever!! I live in cloud cuckoo land sometimes and don't deal with reality. Since losing my mum I've realised that my family have had enough of me and say they'll help me when I help myself. I totally understand but sometimes I can't even get dressed and leave the house. I don't understand how other people juggle everything yet I fail at the simplest things -- sadly, I'm a giver-upper and that's what I need to change!!! I have told my friends too much and they all tell me to just get on with things. I don't really know what to do most of the time. I'm not working as I think I'm useless at everything and I need to work!
I hope you don't mind my telling you how I feel but your original post was just describing my current feelings and it was comforting to know I'm not alone. You sound young and I hope you'll feel better as time moves on (I'm quite old now and it's time I was gone!!!)
wishing you all the very best xx
Clairebear400 claire68228
Posted
Hi Claire (another Claire here), and all those lovely commenters who have already contributed. I can feel your pain, it is like reading my life story. Thank you for articulating it so well. I also have struggled with severe depression, anxiety, toxic shame, social phobia and BDD since around the age of 3. (and also IBS). I've lived in either a state of (barely) functional depression, then have periods of years at a time where I'm in a major depression and unable to work. I can relate to your fears and nightmares and feel the same way - I never have felt safe or invested in life in any real way, and it's a harrowing way to live (especially when you compare yourself to others who seem to plod along just fine and it makes you feel completely alien). I've also lived my life jumping from frying pan into fires, and due to my symptoms and limited options, I've been in some nasty and abusive situations that threatened my basic livelihood also - and I struggled to escape then start over each time.
One thing that has helped me and finally put a lable on ALL of this, is the book ''Complex PTSD - from surviving to thriving'', by Pete Walker. Based on your description, we seem to share a similar background with a depressed/anxious mum. I also had an abusive father, but I believe much of the early damage was actually from emotional neglect (a chronically depressed mother is not the most ''attuned!''. I remember feeling dead, hopeless, ugly, anxious, hideous, since I was extremely young (3 or 4). I've found a trauma therapist who has helped me unlock this, it's incredibly painful, complex trauma can be caused by neglect alone if it is ongoing in childhood (there does not need to be active abuse). It is traumatic to the child and keeps your ''root chakra'' underdeveloped and simply not a safe grounding in life.
It's very painful to feel all these things, and of course our parents did the best they could (well some did...), but sometimes the best they could just isn't good enough for their child and it can cause incredible damage that is difficult to ''see'' - especially if you are somewhat functional and have a good ''act''.
Anyway just a suggestion, but the book has helped me alot.
Another one is ''The emotionally absent mother'' which also helped me.
I also suffered from childhood abuse (and thought all of my childhood problems stemmed from that), but where there is abuse there is always neglect - and emotional neglect alone can create all of these issues - I feel sorry for people who ''only'' had neglect because it's so insidious and hard to know what is wrong. But it's not you! You simply didn't get the necessary grounding in life. The book gives me hope, still working on it.
All the best to everybody, keep fighting
Clairebear400
Posted
(P.S i should add that I've been on SSRIs for the past 15 years too, therapy and meds have basically kept me alive, therapy has helped some aspects but deeper healing takes a lot of time I think, it's so hard. I've heard body-based therapy and neurofeedback is getting some good results on resetting the nervous system - that gives me hope where conventional therapy falls short - Pete walker talks about this in his book also.
srk904471 Clairebear400
Posted
Good that you understand all this in terms of "grounding" and development of "root chakra". Because to even to have this understanding requires deeper attunement within , at least during those reflective moments. changes innervous system occur very slowly.
it is most encouraging thing!!!
we need to handle/treat this issue at all levels (physical/ energy/astral/ causal bodies) with all patience, and easy attitude.
In last few years, it has become my sure conviction, beyond any trace of doubt, that with persistence/perseverance, most persons with depression/anxiety can lead a normal life. (but relapses do occur and that is my concern !! and that is why the environment we live in is as important as medication or therapy. to be frank, it is far more important than we know, because it affects us not only at conscious level but deeper level.)
Anyway , best wishes.
srk904471
Posted
david43036 claire68228
Posted
Wow Claire you pretty much said my life there in words I totally empathise with every thing you said as a male I feel very ashamed to
Admit how i feel as a male I must be strong and confident but I'm not I'm weak pathetic and lonely I to live in isolation most of the time I'm 31 years old still live with my parents never had a relationship
I amazingly did hold down a job for twelve years but one day just quit now I'm really on the scrapheap of life I can't find another job I'm dangerously depressed I have zero self confidence I think about suicide on a daily basis
The only reason I don't go through with it is because I'm a coward and my parents would be devastated but when they are gone I just know I'll do it I wish my situation was unique but it's not people are suffering behind closed doors I feel at my happiest when I'm alone
I'm mentally ill and only getting worse life is just to hard for me I'm overly sensitive I get upset when see animals in pain I cry at the simplest of things I hope you are doing better now but please know you are not alone most people seem to just cope with life but there are people out there who cannot
And for that we are made to feel worthless good luck to you Claire.
Patient_Mod david43036
Posted
Hi david43036
You are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.
If you are having these suicidal thoughts we strongly recommend you to speak to someone. The Samaritan offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what your are going through.
They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.
Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet > https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you need.
Please do reach out - the team at the Samaritans, and the other people in our leaflet, will understand exactly what you're going through and will be able to help.
Kindest Regards
Patient
magdalena75513 david43036
Posted
Hi David. Please don't for a second think that you are alone. I feel just like you do, except I don't have suicidal thoughts. I do have thoughts of being helpless and lost confused isolated. I have no one to talk to about anything. I feel alone and cry all the time. My mom passed away from cancer about 5 months ago and I keep asking her why she had to die. At least you have both your parents. I feel like my life is falling apart right infront of me and I have no power to do anything about it. Please respond to me if you feel like. Maybe we can chat help each other. You're a important person David.
david43036 magdalena75513
Posted
Hi Magdalena just seen your response nobody's ever said I'm an important person before thank you I'd love to chat.
NellyC david43036
Posted
I too have managed to hold down a job, I am currently working but my mental state is getting worse and work just exacerbates it so feel I will be quitting soon. I know not having a job will make me feel awful as well but so miserable at work and struggling to cope with it. I'm 35 and still live with my family
I think I'm too sensitive too, things seem to effect me more than others. I hate being this weak but can't help it. I wish I was stronger. Would end it too but like you family keeps me here.