So scared, so lost, so unmotivated, my mind can't handle it all
Posted , 121 users are following.
I just don't even know where to begin with this really. I just feel ultra lost in life and confused but most of all just terrified and I have long ago lost all motivation and any sense of hope or enjoyment in life. I feel I have lost all direction and my life feels completely out of my control. I am just existing and going along with whatever happens to me like a rag doll. I feel helpless in life like a child who is scared and has lost its mother - just so terrified. I am deeply embarrassed by this. I feel no sense of self worth, my confidence and self esteem is at its lowest ever .... life has passed me by and almost all of this time has been as a pathetic and hopeless cas. I have always been exceptionally sensitive and I always feel that I was not meant to be on this earth because somebody as weak as me just cannot survive here without self destructing or being destroyed by life's reality. I feel deeply ashamed of myself and my anxiety and depression. Completely pathetic and useless as a human being even though deep inside I also feel such a sense of sadness for myself like part of me still wants to reach deep and give me a big hug and save myself but I keep failing at this. I imagine I would excel in another type of land or in another world where I am just able to be in peace and the way I am and be left alone. I have already been through the days of finding small bursts of habits to keep me going - like playing computer games, or chatting online etc .... I have also been through under eating, over eating, binge eating, losing weight, gaining weight, not dressing, not washing, lying in bed - crying at the tiniest issues - worrying about worst case scenarios in life, and also feeling so completely lost as to what to do with myself. I get scared in life to the point of paranoia. I imagine the absolute worst will happen - getting into trouble, ending up in prison, ending up in a vulnerable situation, homeless, etc, etc, etc .... I find it really hard to trust myself, let alone other people because I feel I have no skills to cope in life. I feel tense around others and only peaceful when I am all alone in solitude .... but this is also very lonely and isolating place to be. I feel a source of guilt in terms of any relationship with my family - because they have not been able to help me - they have not been able to aid in my dysfunctional mind and circumstances. I have felt trapped, hysterical and like a I am verging on psychotic at times - shouting, throwing things, anger, tears. All this has already been and gone. I have visited psychologists in the past as well as psychiatrists - but they have never diagnosed me with anything else besides general depression and anxiety. And as I am particularly well able to articulate my feelings and problems lucidly and with intelligence then they do not realise the extent of my problem and the absolute unbearable sense of fears, paranoias, misery I feel inside I think. It's as though I have never fallen into any 'categor'y. I think this is because I have quite a variety of psychological difficulties that all merge into each other sometimes and of course feed off one another. Because I have managed to hang on (to all outward appearances) to some kind of sanity, they do not see the real picture of the chaos in my mind and body. I have suffered 3 strange 'episodes' in the last 15 years where I have lost sensation in my body and face and it has never returned. This remained something of a mystery to doctors and I was eventually diagnosed with some kind of neuropathy or anxiety related bodily symptoms. Physical manifestation of anxiety even though some of them argued my symptoms were not typical or fitting. These reduced sensations have never resolved or returned and I now live with reduced and diminished sensation including not being able to sense pleasure sensations like massages or orgasms, pain. I feel adverse to sex and always have - somehow I (sometimes) find it a bit dirty and repulsive and feel violated and I cannot live with how I feel because I feel like a freak to feel that way without any reason that I can recall. I have no history of abuse that I can recall - just an anxious mother with some depression and negativity in her own thinking. Apart from this I have just been scared since always and have never had the strength or courage to pull myself out and I am now at my worst point ever and have given up on life and am just existing. I have tried within my very limitied mental means to pull myself out by attempting life changes in the past but have been crippled by my own anxieties and fears and these attempts have ultimately ended in the same patterns of failure. I lack any sense of ability or life resources, no sense of strength and I am aimless in life - feeling as helpless as if I were a newborn. I do not see the meaning or point in anything and feel it so diffiult to think of anything that would make me want to see a glimmer of light and really try again. Been there, done that before. Already too tired. I feel like I want a parent figure to come guide me step by step and pull me out from this hole. But that is just ridiculous and the more I think of how I should be able to manage my life, the more ashamed I feel of my bleak and fearful reality. I now find myself in a very stressful situation in life currently. And I arrived here through my own desperation and hysteria to escape my last situation and lack of seeing any other way out - an out of the frying pan into the fire situation. I have tried in the past medication, cbt, citalopram medication ..... I am so sad that I have come to this point but I do not know how to get better or where to begin ..... so much seems to have happened inside my mind that I am genuinely afraid that I have gone quite mad (but am still managing to pretend to be sane) ... I cannot cope with the vast amount of emotions and their intense strength that I feel in terms of everything seeming so dark, desperate, scary, chaotic and my mind just can't process it all. Particularly it just all feels a lot of thoughts for a tiny tiny mind to have. I just thought I would write about it. I have been through a lot of weird phases, living on baby food for a while, labelling the calories on everything, Obsessive tendencies to tidy everything to the extreme just to have an element of control in my life .... I have a problem with OCD where everything in my home has to be perfect and tidy and straight otherwise I feel very anxious and restless and as though things are dirty or that I have lost all control completely. If I lose the ability to control even my home or food then I feel I will have absolutely nothing since the rest of my life is so far gone. But the pressure this extreme thinking gives me is unbearable to live with and makes me tired and cry when I don't match up to my own pressure and standards. I take ages to get ready every day on the days when I feel able to try and go out because I feel I have to put on a pretence of appearing respectable and 'ok' .... the reality is sometimes I cry, shout, like a toddler who can't handle adult life and who can't dress herself or manage her well-being and life. Afraid. Lost. Unmotivated. My mind wants it all to go blank. I want peace. Feel a complete loser in life. Just want to float away quietly on a cloud or sleep and not wake up sometimes and just drift off into a haze where the last thing I think about is something uplifting and peaceful and far from the reality of this overwhelming life. I feel guilty to myself and to the world for being this way. The only way my stupid dreamy mind sometimes justifies it is to pretend I am a fairy from another world who was made perfectly but has come to an imperfect world and cannot hack it because it's too far from my own world. And I imagine this particular thought in a sane way, not an insane way ... I realise I am not really this person but this is the best way I am able to get any comfort in how I feel in this life.
19 likes, 186 replies
Dexter73 claire68228
Posted
I put on invisible masks so people can see what they want to see. I've gone through therapy, but my mask response is automatic, so they have never seen the darkness that is me. I can't seem to control it. I'm not a pathological liar or anything like that. I just naturally hide who I really am from everyone, including my family. I pretend to smile, I pretend to laugh, I pretend to care, I pretend to love. I'm married. My wife wanted to be married so I married her. It made her happy. I don't feel any different than I did before she asked me out the first time, 15 years ago. I feel indifferent. I've tried ending it the "easy" way by overdosing on sleeping pills. I've tried them all. I've swallowed thousands of dollars worth of prescriptions and still wake up. I used to try cutting my wrists and other fast bleeding areas, but every single f*****g time someone has come along and "saved" me. My mask comes out with the councillors. I sincerely thank my "savior", showing as much gratitude as possible. Inside, I'm thinking of what I'm going to try next. I was on Xarelto, which is a blood thinner known widely for the amount of deaths it has caused in patients. I looked up which medications were the most deadly to combine with it and overdosed every night. Here I am writing this f*****g thing. I don't want to be a vegetable, or forever in a coma, or survive another attempt, or I'd try jumping off a building or shooting myself. Too much of a survival rate.
So now, I walk through life, not caring about a single one of you and thinking of ways to get out of my personal hell.
It's good to get it out in the open, but I don't feel a damn bit better.
colin25998 Dexter73
Posted
Hello Dexter73,
I read your post and really care about you that things are so bad.
I have suffered Depression and Anxiety ( D&A ) with Suicide ideation for 20 years but never have tried self harm.
Based on my worldwide research (24/7) this past month or so I have found advices telling me Ketamine could be the biggest breakthrough in treatment of D&A and Suicide prevention in 50 years.
I have also found a very recent international report stating only 92% of SSRIs antidepressants are effective and in my simple way of looking at it, is that percentage ( 8%) is equal to placebo !!!!!
Further to Ketamine, I'm seeing reports stating over a 70% success rate of elimination of all D&A symptoms including sucicidal thoughts gone within 24 hours of a Ketamine infusion.
ROA IV recommended. I'm referring to high authority official reports from USA, UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. I read Ketamine trials and/ or Ketamine clinics are currently in process in all these countries.
I'm in Australia and when I mentioned Ketamine to my Doctor she went Ape sh*t but she is happy to write prescriptions for me for SSRI's every month with a success rate mentioned above. I'd never suspect any doctor would get free international trips from pharmaceutical companies for their support for anti depressants, never, never would I suspect this.
Dexter, I beg you to consider the following:
1. Research Ketamine around the clock to satisfy (or not) yourself what I have written above is conceptually true.
2. Consult your doctor and or your medical Heath practitioner for their opposition or support.
3 Accept the fact that there is work to be done on Ketamine and there are trials in process around the world.
4. In pursuit of almost total D&A relief in 24 hours, isn't that a better option than self harm ?
I expect to become a "Lab Rat" early next year with Black Dog institute/ University of New South Wales in current Ketamine trials being run and the time can't come soon enough for me.
If there is anything I can do to help u with your research or anything for that matter please let me know.
To support you it would be helpful if I knew what country you live in.
Kind regards
Col, Brisbane
ann55375 colin25998
Posted
i do hope you get to join the trial at USW this coming year and you are able to let us all know how you get on.
please do keep in touch with any developments, a very interesting new subject after all these years of ssris which dont work.
well done.
chris26929 Dexter73
Posted
kyle65492 claire68228
Posted
Hi Claire I hope you're doing well now, I really do. Like anybody else here, I understand how hard it can be. We all have our insanity side to a certain extend. I am always been living a double face in my life and I feel extremely ashamed of that, a f*****g hypocrite that can't face his true feelings. I am no good in handling stress and seems to be lost for two or three years and still feel lost sometimes. A lot of times, I will encountered panic attack and I make sure that nobody knows because I am ashamed of myself for being weak and different. I want a solution but it only makes things worst because there's no definite solution to life, you either live it or you don't. I even went online and find a online mentor because I am a mess and can't even handle my life. I told her everything, even just a stranger from another region of the world, I am really grateful for that. I told her that I keep having suicidal thoughts some of the time and I always try a different tons of ways to help myself get over it, write down positive event, gratitude list, meditation, you name it. What I found out to be the real truth is to accept who you really are, as I am writing this now, I have already decided to tell my family I have suicidal thoughts and all my inner struggles and all, and it makes me feel better. All those meditations would't work if you don't even accept for who you are now. Accept and love yourself so hard that you can't even give up on yourself. Then, treat other well, and give others. I wish you all the health and happiness in the world, but again, it is up to you whether to take it or not.
melanie69610 claire68228
Posted
Although this post was quite a long time ago, I found myself searching questions online and happened to pass this. I just had to respond. I first do want to say that I understand and am sorry that you had to go through all of that. It is a lot more stressful, degrading, and complicated than many would think. I also wanted to say that I can relate to your feeling (or previous feelings) of being overwhelmed and just wanting to float away on a cloud and can definitely relate to your feelings towards getting ready everyday. I cannot tell you how much I relate to and appreciate this post because as you said in the post, it feels good having somebody that has felt the same and it can be very helpful and comforting (even though it stinks having to go through tough times). I hope all is going well
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karen004 claire68228
Posted
Hello Claire~ I wanted to take a minute to add to the "thank-you's" and absolute appreciation that I feel to your perfect way of explaining the depth and darkness that some of us feel. You really did explain yourself perfectly, and in doing so, made us feel a little less alone by sharing. I realize that this is three years later, but I still had to sign up here and get this message in. So much appreciation. I hope that your mind has found some peace since writing this. I know that even if so, it's pretty hard to hang onto that peace. I think that it takes a lot of practice and control to keep yourself on the "up and up" ..
All of that being said, have you ever thought of writing as a way of living? You are REALLY good at expressing your feelings and at the same time, giving a true emotional visual.
I hope that you are in a better place..again, just knowing someone out there felt (feels) the same way seems to help a lot.
Take care and be well~
NellyC claire68228
Posted
I know this post is really good but I relate to everything you have written. It feels like you stepped into my mind and articulated what I am feeling, better than I ever could.
I don't belong is this world, I struggle to cope with life, I am so weak, pathetic and a coward. I am not strong like other people, I marvel how others can breeze through life and just shrug off the little obstacles they encounter. These same obstacles just crush me, make me even more weaker and send me further into depression. I am 35 years old but have the coping skills of a toddler.
I have no purpose in life, I hate my job and the work I do, I hate the way I look, I hate my living conditions and most of alI I hate myself. The only thing worth something in my life is my family. I can't change most things, I am constantly paralysed by fear, anxiety, low self esteem, zero confidence and negative thoughts. I hate feeling this way I have tried so many resources but these feelings are buried so deep in my DNA that they are a part of who I am and just can't change.
I honestly can't take life anymore, I don't want to be here and I dream of ending it everyday. I am so very very tired and just want peace, how blissful it would be not to feel anything anymore, no more worries, pain, fear and hopelessness. Just the idea that if I was brave enough I could end all this sends shivers down my spine. The only thing stopping me is my family, we already lost our Dad 2 years ago and I can't put them through another death but it's so hard to solely live for others. I feel it would get to the point where they are not enough to keep me here.
I feel bad that I don't want to live when so many people die prematurely and would have loved to continue living. Why did my mind have to be made like this, why couldn't I have been a stronger person.
pete52969 NellyC
Posted
Hi Nelly. I just read your reply. I feel the same way as you. What do you do when you've given up on life? I can't really differentiate one day from another because they all feel the same. I don't have the courage to kill myself but that's what seems inevitable. I can't cope in this world as I once could. I feel that I'm clinging to life by a thread. I drink to escape my mind. It helps but in the short term. I hope you can find some peace of mind somehow.
NellyC pete52969
Posted
Hi Pete, I am sorry you are feeling like this as well, what a truly awful place for us to be. I wish there was some words of comfort I could offer you but I feel exactly the same. I feel sad for us, how did we end up here and how did life become so unbearable. I used to be a fighter at least but the fight has completely gone out of me. I seem to struggle through the day somehow, I have been just concentrating on getting through each day and trying not to think about tomorrow, which is hard for a worrier like me. At the end of each day I feel surprise that I'm still here. I was able to distract myself before with running, exercise, going to concerts etc but they no longer help. I feel so tired and unmotivated to do anything. I drink sometimes to forget, I'm trying not to as it only provides reprieve for a moment.
I feel like I'm just hanging on too, fragile like a glass with cracks, the slightest thing will shattered me completely. The thing is I can't cope with the idea of feeling like this for the rest of my life, I can't live like this it's too hard but I can't end it either, that's another battle.
I hope we can both find some peace somehow
schmilies claire68228
Posted
I completely and utterly understand everything that you have said, because I've been through it, and I still suffer the same. I tried to find all the explanations I could. Then a few weeks ago, I came across this website that is based on the Meyers Bates Typology Indicator (MBTI), and their studies were based on work done by Psychiatrist named Carl Jung in the 1940's. You can obviously Google this there are hopefully links below.
The two Women (Meyers & Bates) a Mother and Daughter studied his work and concluded there are approximately 16 Personality types. Psychologists around the world use this Indicator in their work. Hopefully, I can post this link, because, before you write yourself off completely this personality test may go towards answering many of the questions that you may be longing to understand about yourself. Also on some Spiritual level it may be of use to you. Hopefully here it is.
https://www.16personalities.com and here is a Wikipaedia link to Carl Joung https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carl_Jung and Meyers bates. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers–Briggs_Type_Indicator I am certain that all of you may benefit from checking this stuff out and learning about yourself and understanding why you are the way you are. It is very interesting if nothing else. Take from it what you want/need. Your not crazy, but human and unique yet share personality traits with others. I would be interested in all of your comments, and which type you came out as. I hope you find it interesting & helpful to you.
John260563 claire68228
Posted
Life so hard to deal with just now ? Have seen so much over the years work"t for the NHS for 5 years had old man died in my arms 😞 Lost my job though drink with Morrisons witch a never told them about my problems ? Lost my mum witch distord me so need some help to get my life back on track
tammy5057 claire68228
Posted
Claire, I read your entire post and cried throughout the entire thing. It was like you were reaching into my brain and writing down how I feel all the time. I even have the delusion that you mentioned at the end of your post that I am an angel that doesn't really belong here because the world is too evil for me. So I understand everything that you've written. Everything. It's like I'm just not interested in life and I'm here waiting to die now my body won't give ip but my mind did a long time ago. It's like a slow Progressive inevitable loss of self respect and the respect of others. You feel just about as valued and worthwhile as a dead corpse. All you can think about is wanting to get out of the way. I identify with you so much I wish I was there I could give you a huge hug! I'm isolated just like you I don't go out unless I absolutely need to and it's only short trips to the store every now and again. The thought of being around people is horrifying to me and I try not to do it at all, but after reading your post, all I wanted to do was come over and give you a big hug! I wouldn't care about whether or not you had showered or how horrible you might appear and I would hope you wouldn't care about me in the same way, the only thing on my mind would be how much I can identify with you and understand what it is you're going through because I am too. I know I'm not worrying this very clearly as my mind is scrambled eggs lately, basically what I'm trying to say is while I was reading your post, for the first time in years, I didn't feel so alone anymore. Thank you for sharing how you feel, I hope it helped you a little to get some things out, but I know it helps me a lot to feel like maybe it's not just me feeling this way. Maybe somebody out there understands and would accept me completely as I am and maybe even help me. Just thank you.
michael62588 claire68228
Posted
ann55375 michael62588
Posted