So scared, so lost, so unmotivated, my mind can't handle it all
Posted , 121 users are following.
I just don't even know where to begin with this really. I just feel ultra lost in life and confused but most of all just terrified and I have long ago lost all motivation and any sense of hope or enjoyment in life. I feel I have lost all direction and my life feels completely out of my control. I am just existing and going along with whatever happens to me like a rag doll. I feel helpless in life like a child who is scared and has lost its mother - just so terrified. I am deeply embarrassed by this. I feel no sense of self worth, my confidence and self esteem is at its lowest ever .... life has passed me by and almost all of this time has been as a pathetic and hopeless cas. I have always been exceptionally sensitive and I always feel that I was not meant to be on this earth because somebody as weak as me just cannot survive here without self destructing or being destroyed by life's reality. I feel deeply ashamed of myself and my anxiety and depression. Completely pathetic and useless as a human being even though deep inside I also feel such a sense of sadness for myself like part of me still wants to reach deep and give me a big hug and save myself but I keep failing at this. I imagine I would excel in another type of land or in another world where I am just able to be in peace and the way I am and be left alone. I have already been through the days of finding small bursts of habits to keep me going - like playing computer games, or chatting online etc .... I have also been through under eating, over eating, binge eating, losing weight, gaining weight, not dressing, not washing, lying in bed - crying at the tiniest issues - worrying about worst case scenarios in life, and also feeling so completely lost as to what to do with myself. I get scared in life to the point of paranoia. I imagine the absolute worst will happen - getting into trouble, ending up in prison, ending up in a vulnerable situation, homeless, etc, etc, etc .... I find it really hard to trust myself, let alone other people because I feel I have no skills to cope in life. I feel tense around others and only peaceful when I am all alone in solitude .... but this is also very lonely and isolating place to be. I feel a source of guilt in terms of any relationship with my family - because they have not been able to help me - they have not been able to aid in my dysfunctional mind and circumstances. I have felt trapped, hysterical and like a I am verging on psychotic at times - shouting, throwing things, anger, tears. All this has already been and gone. I have visited psychologists in the past as well as psychiatrists - but they have never diagnosed me with anything else besides general depression and anxiety. And as I am particularly well able to articulate my feelings and problems lucidly and with intelligence then they do not realise the extent of my problem and the absolute unbearable sense of fears, paranoias, misery I feel inside I think. It's as though I have never fallen into any 'categor'y. I think this is because I have quite a variety of psychological difficulties that all merge into each other sometimes and of course feed off one another. Because I have managed to hang on (to all outward appearances) to some kind of sanity, they do not see the real picture of the chaos in my mind and body. I have suffered 3 strange 'episodes' in the last 15 years where I have lost sensation in my body and face and it has never returned. This remained something of a mystery to doctors and I was eventually diagnosed with some kind of neuropathy or anxiety related bodily symptoms. Physical manifestation of anxiety even though some of them argued my symptoms were not typical or fitting. These reduced sensations have never resolved or returned and I now live with reduced and diminished sensation including not being able to sense pleasure sensations like massages or orgasms, pain. I feel adverse to sex and always have - somehow I (sometimes) find it a bit dirty and repulsive and feel violated and I cannot live with how I feel because I feel like a freak to feel that way without any reason that I can recall. I have no history of abuse that I can recall - just an anxious mother with some depression and negativity in her own thinking. Apart from this I have just been scared since always and have never had the strength or courage to pull myself out and I am now at my worst point ever and have given up on life and am just existing. I have tried within my very limitied mental means to pull myself out by attempting life changes in the past but have been crippled by my own anxieties and fears and these attempts have ultimately ended in the same patterns of failure. I lack any sense of ability or life resources, no sense of strength and I am aimless in life - feeling as helpless as if I were a newborn. I do not see the meaning or point in anything and feel it so diffiult to think of anything that would make me want to see a glimmer of light and really try again. Been there, done that before. Already too tired. I feel like I want a parent figure to come guide me step by step and pull me out from this hole. But that is just ridiculous and the more I think of how I should be able to manage my life, the more ashamed I feel of my bleak and fearful reality. I now find myself in a very stressful situation in life currently. And I arrived here through my own desperation and hysteria to escape my last situation and lack of seeing any other way out - an out of the frying pan into the fire situation. I have tried in the past medication, cbt, citalopram medication ..... I am so sad that I have come to this point but I do not know how to get better or where to begin ..... so much seems to have happened inside my mind that I am genuinely afraid that I have gone quite mad (but am still managing to pretend to be sane) ... I cannot cope with the vast amount of emotions and their intense strength that I feel in terms of everything seeming so dark, desperate, scary, chaotic and my mind just can't process it all. Particularly it just all feels a lot of thoughts for a tiny tiny mind to have. I just thought I would write about it. I have been through a lot of weird phases, living on baby food for a while, labelling the calories on everything, Obsessive tendencies to tidy everything to the extreme just to have an element of control in my life .... I have a problem with OCD where everything in my home has to be perfect and tidy and straight otherwise I feel very anxious and restless and as though things are dirty or that I have lost all control completely. If I lose the ability to control even my home or food then I feel I will have absolutely nothing since the rest of my life is so far gone. But the pressure this extreme thinking gives me is unbearable to live with and makes me tired and cry when I don't match up to my own pressure and standards. I take ages to get ready every day on the days when I feel able to try and go out because I feel I have to put on a pretence of appearing respectable and 'ok' .... the reality is sometimes I cry, shout, like a toddler who can't handle adult life and who can't dress herself or manage her well-being and life. Afraid. Lost. Unmotivated. My mind wants it all to go blank. I want peace. Feel a complete loser in life. Just want to float away quietly on a cloud or sleep and not wake up sometimes and just drift off into a haze where the last thing I think about is something uplifting and peaceful and far from the reality of this overwhelming life. I feel guilty to myself and to the world for being this way. The only way my stupid dreamy mind sometimes justifies it is to pretend I am a fairy from another world who was made perfectly but has come to an imperfect world and cannot hack it because it's too far from my own world. And I imagine this particular thought in a sane way, not an insane way ... I realise I am not really this person but this is the best way I am able to get any comfort in how I feel in this life.
19 likes, 186 replies
Julie8635 claire68228
Posted
Hi, thank you for sharing this. Like you I'm not sure how I found this forum, other than a general google search. For me, it defies logic that I got myself in to this state of feeling fearful about pretty much everything - all decisions, all outings and yes, lack of motivation plays a big part in my life. I'm glad to walk the dog daily as that makes me go out and often that helps lift the dark clouds a little for a while.
Yes, let's all keep talking and perhaps we should all share the things that make us feel a little better, be it medication, counselling (and what type), activities. I'll post more regularly too.
ann55375 Julie8635
Posted
debby1987 claire68228
Posted
I cried while reading this....im 31 with two kids and I regret bringing them into a world where their mom wishes she was dead. I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was old enough to recognize the symptoms. Growing up in a violent home, being sexually abused multiple times as a child all play a part in who I am now, and it's getting to be too much to bare. I'm struggling financiallu, and I think I'm about to lose my job. I'm so lost in this world, and wish I knew my purpose. I want to die so bad, but don't want to pass that pain to my children, so I'm stuck here till I can't no more.....thank you for sharing your story.
pete52969 claire68228
Posted
I thought I would never be able to describe myself in words how I truly feel inside but you nailed it. I feel almost the same way. It's a bit later but I hope you found some peace. I stumbled across your words by accident and I couldn't believe it. I thought it was me talking. Almost my life in parallel. I don't have OCD issues but everything else it's so eerie. Please respond if you see this
magdalena75513 claire68228
Posted
Hi. I was googling today because I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I came across this post and forum. What you describe is me right now, I've read other people's responses and they are just like me. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't recognize myself. Some days I want to go back to being a child, it's like I want to regress but I can't allow myself. I don't understand what is happening to me, I lost interest in everything. I don't like doing anything. I force myself to be happy and go about my day. I feel alone, I have no one to talk to about this because no one understands. They all think it's not that bad. Mean while my head is exploding. Some days I don't know if I'll be able to stay strong enough. Some days I feel like my life is falling apart. Like everything is falling apart and I have no power to do anything about it. I feel powerless, worthless. I hate the person I've become. I don't know what to do anymore. Is this even fixable.
elliotelliot claire68228
Posted
chris26929 claire68228
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Claire I wish I could put into words how I feel I feel like you too I feel exactly how you feel I have no one to tell this if I could so thank you at least I know there are other people out there with the same feelings that I have I don't know how to show my feelings or emotions and my spelling sucks I'm very lonley scared I don't know how to get help because I don't know how to put my feeling into words so I sit day in and day out trying to find things that will best describe how I feel your words have done that so thank you
joeblowAngel claire68228
Posted
Hello Claire,
?I can relate to all you have written to my own shame. The unrelenting depression, sorrow, guilt, self loathing, and wretched despair is only compounded by my own minds hell bent mission to destroy itself. I so feel like you do as you have written you are not unlike a vase broken into a million pieces, ground into bone meal, p****d on, with that p**s carrying the remnants into the putrid sewer. That sum up how you feel? I hope that it is a close enough approximation to what you have written. It is how I feel. I have as well tried various medications to no avail. Played video games, lost myself in movies, youtube chats, googled the s**t out of depression cures and motivation, walked around the neighborhood a thousand times, drank, smoked, hoped for salvation by meditation or pray all to land myself in the same predicament I have found myself 3 years ago. At the bottom of a hole. No sun. No way out. Trapped. Everything I have read so far on this forum has been the same heart bleeding out as I am doing here as you have Claire. For this I Thank everyone whom has posted. It is comforting to know I am not the only forlorn soul on this god forsaken planet. That which leads me to a solution perhaps in my most humble opinion out of this hell we have all found ourselves. It is not suicide. Suicide is a deep painful well that I do not want to speak of especially not in a forum. Suicide most definitely needs to be talked about and publicly but I will leave it to parties best suited to such discussions. I have thought of suicide many times but have not, thankfully, committed the act. Hence I am here to offer all a very small back door out of your mind. I am not insane that which is to say not in the Western medicines point of view at least and I do not hear voices. My idea is to kill "the mental self" but DO NOT harm the body. That is the only caveat that you must agree to. You cannot harm the body to do so is tantamount to the gravest sin as most religious folk will tell you. I believe that every morning you awake from beautiful dreams you are enveloped in to become aware that your consciousness currently resides in a hell in a place called Earth. I strongly feel this to be true since it is such a major let down the moment I awake to realize that my current reality is not the happy dreams (most times) I just left but a hell where the following is not allowed: Peace of mind, past life remembrance, divine connection to source, feeling that you are loved and you are important, understanding you are going somewhere, knowledge that the key to your minds freedom resides in your own pocket, collective consciousness that EVERYONE feels like you do, comraderie, and self confidence. No, what you are given when your soul awakens in this body that resides in this reality of earth is only one thing. Free will. Yes I know it sucks and free will alone appears to have no power which to me is both cosmically horrifically intelligent as well as at the same time utterly and disgustingly stupid. Is there a grand design to life? Who knows and at this point in my life I do not give a s**t. (By the way I totally agree with you Claire that I made a wrong decision to be born here for I believe I come from Acturius or some other planet but that does not really matter here) What we all need is a way out, a solution to our anguish. My solution is simple and it has no guarantee to work but here goes. Turn off your mind. This is no easy task as everyone who is reading this can attest too. By turning off your mind you can finally start to DO the necessary tasks to get your life to some semblance of the goals and dreams you have been fantasizing about. DO, is the important word here. Thinking never really accomplished anything. Everyone needs action. Including me to be honest. So I propose this. When you wake up you quickly start you day whatever that might be WITHOUT THINKING. I cannot stress that enough. Thinking is your enemy dear reader. I know that sounds ridiculous but give it a try because I am willing to bet you have never tried it. By thinking I mean that immediate rush of feelings and thoughts that comes into your mind as soon as you awake. You lay there and your mind dwells on how horrible you life is and what crap awaits you to go wrong today. Turn this off. Pop out of bed as fast as you can and get to work especially if you do not feel like it. YOU MUST START WORKING because I understand that everything is difficult when you are in the pit of despair even brushing your teeth or going to the toilet. I have tried this method a few times. I have also failed more times. What I learned was thinking and dwelling is my enemy. To get to anywhere in life requires effort not thinking. Life planning your day or your year should only take a few seconds or minutes not 5 f**king years! Commit to making your life better by turning off your mind. That is the key to peace. Will this work for you Claire? Maybe but no guarantees. Its sounds difficult and yes it is. I love to be lost in my mind made fantasizes for days on end but now I understand that without pure outright action you cannot get to where you goals and dreams reside. Like the saying: No one wandered about to find themselves on Mount Everest.
NellyC joeblowAngel
Posted
colin25998 claire68228
Posted
Hi Claire,
I am so sorry to read your story, I too suffer many of your feelings and you have described them very well.
I have suffered over twenty years and tried everything like you and it 's only been this last month I have discovered Ketamine that according to my reseach most of your symptoms could vanish within 12 to 24 hours.
According to leading worldwide authorities it's the greatest break though for 50 years. Have you heard about Ketamine? What country do you live in ? I'm here in Australia and it's difficult to get Ketamine infusion lab
I have so much to tell you or anyone else that's interested about Ketamine for Depression and Anxiety.
Best regards
Colin, Ipswich, Brisbane, Australia
ann55375 colin25998
Posted
when will this become available for all - it seems the pdocs are holding back using it when it could make such a difference.
we need someone proactive to get on with dealing with this NOW.
colin25998 ann55375
Posted
Hi Ann,
You are so right , supposedly it's the best Suicide prevention cure discovered but it can be hard and expensive to get hold of it.
Just for info
Ketamine There are many worldwide Universities announcing Ketamine stops within HOURS Suicide ideation with very small doses. I'm hoping to be accepted by the University of New South Wales Aust. for Ketamine trials early next year. I'm new to this site and not computer savy but I'm willing to try and help anyone with Depression and Anxiety as I'm living with it and it's HELL.
What country do you live in ?
Ketamine is said to be the biggest breakthrough in 50 years.
I have been Reasearching USA, UK, Canada, Australia's and NZ universities and all have similar and favourable reports with more work to be done.
Please see TIME magazine link below for Top researcher's comments August 7 2017.
http://time.com/magazine/us/4876068/august-7th-2017-vol-190-no-6-u-s
,
Regards Colin, Brisbane
ann55375 colin25998
Posted
colin25998 ann55375
Posted
Hi Ann,
I know there are lots going in UK re Ketamine, in particular one University but I can't remember the name of the University and at what stage they are at. I will do some checking.
I have read so much from so many sites worldwide I'm on overload but be patient and keep researching we will find it.
colin25998
Posted
Hi Ann
Did you see my post re Oxford university and Ketamine development for D & A ? You need to contact them.
I cannot seem to find it
Regards Col
ann55375 colin25998
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colin25998 ann55375
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What is Nhs ?
Do I read you right ? You will not have ECT ? Have you heard bad reports ?