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I haven't written for about a month as I felt better. On Monday I started feeling on edge and full blown panic attack on the plane on Wednesday!! I hate flying as I can't get out of it but my partner treated to this holiday which is lovely of him. I've tried not to think about it but once at the airport i thought i would faint. Just before taking of I said to him I need to get out.. Before you knew we were in the air. It was horrible and only 30min before landing I started to feel better. Once we got there it took me a while to get used to everything as it always does...but today was horrible. It came back with a vengeance and I feel terrible as my bf really needs this holiday and all I can think about is going home. I felt tired today and got back in the room around 4pm and every time I could feel myself drifting off I panicked like I never did before, kind of like no you can't fall asleep it's not night time... Shaking, heart racing, feeling sick like can't eat and just want to vomit and totally terrified!! (( I had enough I'm on holiday I'm supposed to be well and not ruin everything! I wanna be back in my home bed, feeling safe, with doctors and hospitals that I know. What am I gonna do if I get crazy here?! They all speak Spanish and they probably wouldn't know what panic attacks/anxiety are... Why am I being scared of being scared I know what they are and have suffered with it for 18 years! I started CBT a few weeks ago, I read books about it and I'm on 20mg citalopram. Every time I get it it always feels worse than ever before!! Please can someone help me to get through the next few days. We are flying back next Wednesday and have cbt on Thursday. Everything irritates me, noise, banging doors... It's all too much.... I'm on holiday what's wrong with me!! Why do I get this here!! It's ruining my life! And now I have to go for dinner which is a struggle as I have to pretend I'm ok when I feel all gellyish and just can't stand to think about food right now. Does anyone ever feel so bad?? What can I do to make it better? I try to do my breathing exercise whenever I can.... Thank you for reading. X
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