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Starting to accept I may be depressed

Posted , 14 users are following.

dougied85
dougied85

Hi. This is pretty tough for me. I think I've been suffering from depression for some time now, but only in the last couple of days have I finally managed (with a bit of encouragement) to say it out loud. I'm posting here as I don't feel ready to go to the GP yet, but wanted to try and 'talk' about how I'm feeling with others to see if I can do it & how it makes me feel.

I don't really know why I'm finding it hard to talk. Maybe I'm embarrassed, I think I feel stupid, weak, i don't know. The thought of sharing what I'm going through in my head with a doctor is pretty unbearable right now, it took me so long to say anything to those closest to me, and they are now encouraging me to seek help. I'm just not sure where to start. Scared of what people will think about me.

I don't have a 'reason' as such to be unhappy. I have a wonderful wife, 2 children, a good job - all I need really. But I am unhappy, struggle to get out of bed in the mornings, don't sleep well, have absolutely no libido, feel like I want to cry randomly, don't smile much, have no patience with the children, shout a lot, find it hard to be interested in anything much including work, occasionally wonder what would happen if I let go of the steering wheel when driving the car alone.

So I think it's depression. What will the doctor say, what help could I be offered? Am I even right to think I may be depressed? I don't even know if I can post this on the forum, feeling sick to the stomach thinking about my feelings being 'out there'. OK, here goes.

0 likes, 27 replies

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  • dougied85
    dougied85

    Posted

    Morning everyone, hope today is a good day for you all.

    Day 5 today of being on 20mg Citalopram and am feeling better than I did yesterday which was probably the worst day I've had since I started taking tablets just over 4 weeks ago. I saw the doctor again last week and based on the lack of any real change in how I feel he decided to up my dose from 10mg to 20mg and do the referral for counselling.

    In terms of side effects, it's not been too bad - still struggling to sleep well, and still feeling more anxious some days but no headaches or much else so far.

    I posted in the Citalopram forum about something else I now seem to be fighting against, but should mention it here too I guess. It's a constant craving for alcohol. It's strange, as I've not historically been a big drinker although did binge drink a lot when I was younger, but at the moment it's on my mind all the time. I've been taking any opportunity to have a drink, and drink as much as I can, to the point where I have managed to get drunk a few times in the past couple of weeks, even at home in front of the TV. My wife has noticed though, and has asked me to avoid it completely for now which I have agreed to but it doesn't stop the thoughts going through my mind and I'm not convinced I will stick to it. Has anyone else experienced this? I think I'm just looking for a way to feel 'good' for a while, and even though I know alcohol is ultimately a depressant I just can't seem to shake off these thoughts that I want it. Maybe it's just a short-term thing that will go as I start to feel better, but it's a worry.

  • sunset17
    sunset17

    Posted

    Hi Dougie, good to hear an update from you. Are you due to go back to the doctor again after trying the 20mg dose for a few weeks?

    I've never heard of the craving alcohol thing, I can understand why it's quite concerning for you though. Is it a certain drink or all alcohol?

  • dougied85
    dougied85

    Posted

    Hi sunset17,

    I am due to go back to the GP before I run out of the 20mg tablets I have for another review, hoping that I make some positive progress by then.

    I just seem to want to drink, anything that I can get drunk on really. I've had a few 'normal' opportunities to have a drink lately - a weekend away, birthday and a night at the pub for a meal with friends, and whereas I would normally just enjoy a beer or something I've opted for wine (knowing it is stronger) and been intent on consuming as much as possible in the time available. But this is not like me, hence why I wonder if it's just something short-term that will go away again when I start to feel more positive. I guess the good thing is that my wife is now watching me and I am worried about it, so hopefully it won't become a problem in itself - although the way I feel right now I don't care and just want alcohol regardless, but am fighting hard against it. I did mention it to the doctor previously and he didn't seem worried right now, but if it continues I will tell him again when I next see him.

    • D74582
      D74582 dougied85

      Posted

      I just came across this thread... because i had searched, "i knew i was depressed but i didn't realise". I signed up to comment, it asked me if i was a patient or professional, I could only tick one, but in truth i'm both.

      I'm a mental health nurse, Qualified for 8 years with 14 years of experience plus post grad qualifications in Drug and Alcohol counselling and have spent 2 years working in a specialist A&D team doing the dual diagnosis assessments. I've also been depressed for 15 years.

      I've got on with my life, married, children... living a good life. Its still there, always in the background. I've got no issues that i can name, suffered no abuse to mention and its not necessarily a sadness that characterises the depression.. Depression is different for everyone, it covers quite a few symptoms of which we may have a few or all of... and we all have different thresholds to it.

      I've been on Citalopram for about 6 years now, its really helped. Helps me to think straight, gives me energy, good for the anxiety that comes with a foggy mind... no major side effects.

      I never speak about my illness really, posting this is a first.... and i'm posting because after 15 years, i can see with more clarity now how its affected me over the years.

      I feel uncomfortable going to a councillor.. feels like i'm going to sit there and tell my story and it will make no difference... perhaps thinking i'm pobably more experienced/qualified than them.. which is silly really because i've been the one asking all the questions and giving advice and i know we all have a blind side that we can not see.. a truth that others can detect... And after all these years of keeping it pent up for fear or rejection, i think i'm going to see someone. I dont expect any spectacular advice... just to sound off.. get it said i suppose... it cant be healthy to carry it around not acknowledging it, at least if its said then it becomes tangible and real.

      I've leaned on alcohol and other drugs, luckily without creating a dependence i could not detatch from.. and now i'm in my 30's, man i just like to take it easy on myself... it seems when you become numb to emotion and used to the daily toil, that you will test yourself out with the burden of stress by adding more to the load... go harder, like some sort of self punishment in an attempt to prove to your self you are stonger than the illness... of course when i say you, i mean me...  curious really, there are many mental health professionals in the same boat.. you'd be surprised...  only when you have expreienced something so profound, can you understand...

      And its not always a response to trauma, sometimes its just a delicate imbalence of chemicals, triggered by any number of factors...

      Like living in a world gone crazy and loosing the way at a tender age following a path of destruction using recreational drugs. 

      But i'm still here, still stronger than this load i carry, a little numb and with perhaps a short fuse these days...

      I think talking about it will make me confront what i have been in denial of, or not wanting to acknowledge... i certainly have been playing it down because life goes on, i cant let it hold me back, so i forget about the root cause of some behaviour...

      But insight is key to keeping yourself on track. stay one step ahead, keep alert and be kind to yourself. Myself. 

      There, feels good to blurt it out.

       

  • sunset17
    sunset17

    Posted

    Yes hopefully you will start feeling the benefits of your medication by then.

    Yeah I would definately talk to your doctor about it. I wondered if it was maybe a particular drink because my medication gave me cravings for sweet things in the beginning, but it doesn't sound like that with you.

  • dougied85
    dougied85

    Posted

    Been doing some research and it would seem that alcohol cravings whilst taking SSRIs is not unheard of, and apparently is a documented (uncommon) side effect on these meds in the US but not in the UK. Will see how it goes and if it continues will definitely bring it up with the GP.
  • sunset17
    sunset17

    Posted

    Ah at least it seems as though it's not out of the ordinary for you to be experiencing it then.
  • Mtm
    Mtm

    Posted

    I too was terrified of doctors in general and then to have to go and talk about such a personal problem. It was tough but I managed to make myself do it only after my wife insisted. She went with me in fear that I would have backed out. I burst into tears time I saw the doctor and he and I are friends. I could not talk much was just a complete mess. My wife did most of the talking. She went as far as to tell him she found me drunk in the yard in the middle of the night with a pistol beside me. I recall none of it. This was not the first time. The doctor was very patient and compassionate. He prescribed some things and suggested I consider a counselor but I refused. I took the meds for 6 months. I became kind of numb and all I wanted to do was eat and sleep. I didn't see where they accomplished much except get me out of the crying all the time. I have weened off the meds now but I feel all the nervousness and jittery feeling coming back. I have had couple of panic attacks again but not as bad as before. I don't know. I do think some people get lucky with meds and doctors but for the most part I think we have to do it our self. I am thinking about going back to doctor and trying again but I have already canceled three doctor appointments.
  • dougied85
    dougied85

    Posted

    Mtm,

    Please do try and pluck up the courage to go back to the doctor - even though things are by no means any better for me yet as it's still early days, knowing that my GP is keeping tabs on me and trying what he thinks will help get me back to normal is a help in itself. Like you say, not everyone finds the same things work for them as others, but I really think you have to have help from somewhere/someone to try and keep you on the right path.

    Good luck and take care.

  • Mtm
    Mtm

    Posted

    I think I am at a point where I just accept this is who I am now and go from there. I think I just get used to feeling this way all the time and stop wishing my life away wanting things to be different.

  • lee34449
    lee34449

    Posted

    Hi Dougie. I started on Cit 15 months ago, like you starting on 10 then 20 after 1 month. I am now on 40. It's the first time I have used AD's. I was prescribed them when my marriage broke up 10 years ago, but I never took them.

    Depression is a very misunderstood illness, most people will shy away from talking about it. There are probably twice as many sufferers as have sought help for the above reason. A number of prominent sportsmen have committed suicide because they had no-one to talk to, or were ashamed to admit they suffered with it.

    I believe it takes a man to own up that he/she can't cope with the situation. I was probably suffering with depression for many years before I eventually sought help.

    I wish you well, my friend & am confident you will get to grips with it. Listen to your wife about the drinking, however. Take care.

  • Mtm
    Mtm

    Posted

    It is the craziest thing I have ever dealt with. One day I think I am fine and was silly to feel the way I did yesterday and two days later I feel like I do today. LOST and confused and jut wanting a way out. I have tried every drug and drink I can find but none give me any lasting relief. Like I said I think its just time to accept this is who I am and stop wanting any better. this is it

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