Struggling

You are not on your own. I can't explain it properly, but I sort of crashed last week and could not get out of bed. It's been building up for a while - I don't thinnk you realise it's happening until you feel so bad you have to do something about it. I had been having panic attacks and major crying and kicking off sessions. Am still mortified about the state I was in at the doctors surgery - I turned up crying, before I had even spoken to him!! God knows what he must have thought. But never mind - it's done now. I had to tell someone how I felt because I didn't know where it was all going to end up. I am a professional person myself - hoping for a career in the judiciary so I feel the same about the stigma and shame of having to recognise the fact I have had a problem. I can't tell anyone- not even my husband - not least because I am not sure how he would react to the fact I am now on anti depressants. I just hope that by feeling better (I already do), and having told someone (GP), that everything will improve and get back to normal. Take some comfort from the fact you have finally faced up to it, done something about it and move on. i hope you feel better soon because I do and it's only been a week since I went for help.

also - i forgot to mention that it takes a while for the drugs to kick in, so you will be feeling better soon. Have had the same side effects - waking up in the early hours and not being able to get back to sleep and nausea - so have lost some weight which ALWAYS cheers me up. Stick with it and remind yourself that you are now on the mend and things will get better.xx

Thank you for your reply... I can't seem to get my head round it... I have spoken to a couple of friends at work about it but can't bring myself to talk to my family... I think I'm just having a bad day today, I was pretty good yesterday but woke up at 2am this morning and really struggling to motivate myself at all, but don't want to give into it..

Hi,

Totally understand where you are coming from, been there myself very recently and have started to take medication too, which I never wanted to do. I suffered with anxiety very badly and like you broke down in front of doctors and was a general mess for about a month, before I hit rock bottom. Ashamed of who I had become and I didnt have the answers I needed to get better, and not only that I didnt feel I had any professional help, I always felt like they didnt understand, to me it all felt so real and ruining my life, to them I thought I am just another statistic.

I have been on my medication now for 7 weeks, and I feel alot better. Like loony said just reassure yourself you are now going to get better, just remember to keep taking them even when you feel yourself again.

You just talk with your family if you are feeling low, it helps, I even called the Samaritans which was something I never thought I would need, but I didnt think twice when I needed someone to reassure me I wasnt going crazy. I helped alot. My family have been excellent, at first they didnt realise the extent of my problems, over time they did and then the support was really needed, that was when I wasnt on any pills cause I thought I could beat it on my own. How wrong was I?

Anti-depressant are a cruch for you right now, while you deal with other things, it allows you to not totally fall apart, its giving you a break until your nerves arent so sensitized. Your body and mind are now healing. Give it time, still early days for you, least you have this place to vent your thoughts when you need it.

Thanks for your reply...

I just find the whole thing so frustrating, I know it's not me I'm not normally one to let things get to me and yet this made me realise that maybe I have just been ignoring things and not dealing with them..

I just feel pathetic, I'm a 30 year old man and I can't seem to get my head straight... I get the hitting rock bottom, I had thoughts I never thought I would and really scared myself.. I keep trying to tell myself that I will get better & I am ill btu can't help feeling I'm just being stupid and need to pull myself together..

Hi,

I am not the kind of person who gets down about anything either, usually shrugging things off because they never seemed important. I think what started my anxiety was I had a bad experience on a flight home from Tenerife, I was a mess on the flight, thought it was going to crash, very turbulent. The day after the panic attacks started.

I am a 30 year old years old too. And it was frightening to think I would perhaps spend the rest of my life not feeling like myself again, but I ave more good days than bad.

The dreaded thoughts huh, yep I know them only too well also, to be honest I found them the most crippling part of my anxiety, it was a feeding frenzy and I couldnt get them out of my head. I often felt like I was on the outside looking it, my thoughts were 'have I done something to someone and not known about it?' 'Did I hurt someone?' ' Could I hurt someone if I lost control of myself?' Very horrible feeling when you have 3 kids at home and they are dependant on you. luckily I managed to keep everything away from them, they never knew how I was feeling. Beleive it or not but being around the kids made me forget things for a while, sometimes I wondered if I would ever enjoy my family again.

Obviously it was hard to talk about these feelings to even my husband, scared I would be judged or treated differently for having these thoughts, but lately I have found it easier to talk about, because it was the illness and OCD making me think like this, I described it to my therapist as though its like I have lost trust in my own mind. Realising that has helped me.

Feel free to talk about how a feeling.

Thanks again... I just feel so pathetic, I've always thought that suicide was i wrong and just giving up... I've never been the sort of person to give up on anything and never understood how people could even contemplate it... But after the health scare I realized how isolated I have made myself over the past few years, I had no-one I felt I could talk to about it and felt totally alone.. Then felt and feel totally out of control and scared...

I started getting anxious after that, shaking and sweating over nothing, then lost what little self-confidence I had and it obviously became noticable because a friend at work asked and I just broke.. It was shortly after that I had a really bad evening I was scared everyone at work was laughing at me and discussing me behind my back & seriously started to think the world would be better off without me... The only thing that stopped me is I couldn't bear the thought of doing that to my family, but then started to think maybe I could have some sort of \"accident\" instead and that would somehow be more acceptable to them.... I honestly don't know how I got myself through that evening...

I don't feel susicidal anymore but am seriously scared that those feelings will come back and maybe this time I may not be able to pull myself through..

I guess the meds will help I just feel numb at the moment and I don't know if thats better or worse than before at least then I felt something now I am either really on edge with anxiety (usually in the mornings) or just numb like now.. My dr said the other day that he thinks we should up my dose to 30mg I don't know if thats good or bad as i've only been on them a week...

Thanks for sharing what it was that frightened you so much, The only thing I can relate to that is when I was at my lowest, I wondered if death would be the only way I found peace, but I never really considered it, like you I couldnt do it to my kids or family. The thoughts of that arent there anymore, but then I dont feel as desperate.

I can understand you are worried about having those feelings back, at least you are worried and frightened by that, I read somewhere if thoughts whirl or panic and anxiety it tends to mean you won't actually do it, it is purely anxiety that you are feeling.

On bad days, I too feel worse in the morning and night time, in the morning I would wake and feel as though I had an electric current running through my veins, It would tell me Im as anxious as hell today. At night I can get a feeling of insecurity, things will play on my mind, not feeling myself, scared.

I asked my doctor if I could increase my tablets he said I could and gave me 100mg tablets, they still sit in the drawer - 2 weeks later still scared to increase them, is it the right thing to do, will I have some side effects back or will it just be too much? I am doing okay on the lower dose, I dont want to make it harder to come off in the future, staying where I am should make it relatively easy. But I do feel okay on 50mg.

Its still early days for you, I would say it took me 6 weeks to feel alot better. If you increase dont worry about anything else, keep busy and tel yourself things will get better. Because they will.

I decided to leave work about 6 weeks ago, just before I started the pills, if I had not been so hasty I probably could have continued working now. But I also had the feeling people were talking about me, whispering about me, I would break down infront of my boss, saying I couldnt take no more. The anxiety was draining me. I must admit leaving work has relieved some pressure and it has allowed me to adjust to the pills and one day very soon I will find another job, a fresh start. I hated my job anyways lol.

Support is what you need right now, just so you know you are not alone with this, I think you have probably gathered by this forum, we are all worrying about something whether it be paracetamol, addiction to valium or just problems with anxiety & depression.

I couldnt accept I had a problem, I am just looking at it as a little blip that will pass, it could return in the future but I am hoping I will be stronger and can deal with it, easy to say when I am feeling okay though..

Writing about it helps, dont you think?

Thanks, I think thats what scared me the most.. I was quite calm about it almost like it was the way to solve my problems, I've always been a very logical person and I solve problems/fix things for a living.. This is part of the reason I've been so messed up by this, I can't see a way to fix it I guess because it's not a physical illness and not soemthing you can see I just feel helpless and I've never felt like that in my life...

So when I started thinking like that it was the calmest I had felt for a evry long time and as i said I honestly don't know (other than thinking of my family) how I made it through that evening..

Sorry, I have digressed a bit fromt the point of the forum, I hada bad night again last night, hardly any sleep (about 3 hours I think) and my mind was just racing trying to work out a way to stop being so weak/helpless..

I'm also really struggling to eat, I've never had a huge appitite and am a skinny littlerunt anyway (9st at the most) but I'm now nearly under 8st and can't seem to face eating and have to force myself but don't even have the will to do that most of the time..

In my case work is the only thing I've managed (until recently) to keep a level of normality and actually been quite successful, I threw myself into work for the past few years and gradually let every other aspect of my life slip... I'm now scared as work is all I have left and I'm starting to struggle, without that I have nothing, even though I love my family I hardly see them I live alone and because of how i've been over the past few years I have very few real friends...

Sorry, didn't mean to just whine, but yes I guess typing things out helps... Thank-you.

Hi, Sorry to hear you didnt have a good night on the pills, did you say you have only been on them a week? From what I heard about Citalopram when the doctor prescribed them to me was that I would feel worse before I got better. And they will take a good 5-6 weeks before you feel the full effect. I was so scared at being told I would feel worse before I got better that I never took them lol. I didnt want to feel worse than I already did!

I must admit work does help to keep your mind off things, and in a few weeks you will alot better and you will feel normal again, worry will vanish, you'll see. Its usually at this time of the month I feel dreadful but I feel fine!

Try not to think about why you are feeling this way because its a vicious circle just let it be for now.

Definatly understand the feeling worse before better.. I feel terrible today, I wan to just give up on everything... I'm at work and trying to act normal but can't.. I just ofund out we have a big meeting this afternoon and they are going to have some stupid group exercise thing where they aplit people into random groups... I felt physically sick when I heard and am still shaking now I don't know whether I can deal with it but also feel the same about the prospect of having to explain why.. God I feel so dumb

Hi there,

just been reading all your posts, bit of a background bout me, been on/off this site for 2 years now, wont bore u bout my past battles with depression, been on tablets, had counselling, saw someone bout drinking too much. My troubles started with breakdown of my marriage, anyway met the most wonderful person now BUT am i happy? will i ever be?? i dont take any pills anymore, had 2 goes on them, Im not breaking down crying all the time, having suicidal thoughts or drinking to ease worries but i know deep down that i have my depressive thoughts coming back.

I se this as an illness like hayfever is an allergy, it never quite leaves u. I think in my very darkest days the tablets did help so definitely stick with them and get through the dark times. I used to try and look at WHY i was down and what was making me down?? I tried to address that. Im such a lucky boy to have my partner, without her i do think i would retreat back into a deep hole of depression and hate to say it alcohol.....she hasnt a clue i suffer like i do.

Reluctant, when it all happened to me initially, i was in such a state i took and sought every means available to help me and i would if i went to those depths again, i was surprised how nice and understanding when i told of my feelings, i have to admit this is a wonderful forum, even for just blurting out, its a release of emotion.

For me, this will never leave me, I really do have every opportunity to be happy and the chance to have a wonderfully happy life, but something inside says its never enough, i want it yesterday, also which i hate about myself is that i dont share my friends joy and good luck liek i should, i envy them how there lives turned out and why mine went so sour as it did.

Reluctant, it is an illness and like all illnesses they can and do get better, no gaurantees but give yourself time, dont be hard on yourself and keep posting on here...

Take care,

Reluctant

How are you doing today kiddo?? Keep us posted - you've got friends here.xx

ps. I get the same about having to do role plays and god-awful stupid group sessions. These trainers need to cop onto themselves that most people loathe the idea of forced interaction for the sake of getting them to understand some point of minor consequence. I think they're ghastly. Go to plan B and pretend to have an epileptic fit in front of them or something. Last time I was made to do a role play I left early to collect my (non existent) kids from school. I am feeling your pain son.xx

Do not feel ashamed of the fact that you have depression, even the strongest people can suffer from it. I know it's hard, but try and stay positive and appreciate the good things in life. When I was going through a tough patch last year I used to hate leaving the house on a morning and would have panic attacks. When I eventually got used to leaving the house again I would slowly stroll down to the train station- taking in my surroundings. I would appreciate the smell of the cold fresh air, the sound of the birds singing and the colour of the sky when the sun was coming up. I know it sounds a bit stupid- but it really does help! Hope you're feeling better soon xxx