Struggling

Hi,

I'm not too bad now, had to give in and take some Lorazepam to get through the afternoon and it has made me feel better for the moment...

I had to add the 1 to my name because I tried to register and have not had a confirmation email...

I'm just hoping that I stay feeling ok this evening and can actually get some sleep as thats really getting to me, plus have to try and force myself to eat this evening as i'm not doing well there I even had to cut a new hole in my belt this morning...

I also wanted to say (meant to earlier but forgot as I was a little spaced from the Lorazepam) thanks to you all for ytour responses.

I have found your advice very helpful and while I'm still struggling to get my head round the whole thing and having real problems convincing myself things will get better I am at least realizing I'm not alone and there are many others in a similar position.

I'm going to try and keep posting to let you know how I get on with the pills/side effects as I still feel this will probably get even worse before I feel any better, right now I feel exhausted having only had about 2 hours sleep in the past 48 hrs but I can't sleep! Good news is I managed to eat a proper meal (errmmm wel a pizza) for the first time in I don't know how long at least 2 weeks.. Hopefully I can keep that up as the weight loss is not good and I can't afford to lose anmore!

Thanks again, will try and post again tomorrow with how day 9 is going...

Well, woke up this morning and didn't feel too bad, not good well not anything really but didn't have the familiar gut renching struggle to get out of bed this morning... I guess I just feel a bit numb not really anything is that good?

Still feeling tired but did manage about 5 hours last night which is the most since I've been taking these... I have also noticed strangly that I seem to be clenching my jaw a lot recently I thought maybe it was because of the aniexty/stress but i noticed while typing this that I am still doing it! Hope that stops as I can't afford a dentist trip...

I still don't want to tell my family about any of this, but am running out of excuses to not go and see them, and if i do they will know I'm not right... Really not sure how to handle that as I can't really explain it to others when i don't really understand it myself!

Thanks again for your support and I'll try to remember to keep posting (more for my own benefit, but hopefully it will also give others an insight into things..)

Reluctant1,

dont worry about the jaw clenching, i used to experience this along with twicthing leg movements quite bad when i was taking the tablets, i worried at 1st but apparantly its a common side effect, why ?? at least u managed to eat and get some sleep, just look at that as progress.

I used to spend hours surfing the net reading other peoples experiences and all about depression trying to understand it and ways of putting my life right to end the pain. I think that we all suffer similar thought trains and emotions but its what has caused the depression and how we got here that differs. This is an illness, i dont doubt that, other words like curse spring to mind.

I had great support but my parents are old school and never really got to understand me and probably never will, never mind. Only tell people when u are ready and if it will actually help u, u may find its a huge relief , ok u may not understand it yourself yet and how can u explain it?? u dont have to, do i understand it? no, why am i like this and others arent? the questions are endless.

just give yourself time and dont look for no quick fix, try and do the basics if u can, eat and sleep, our bodies need this to function. I found this site by accident and found it wonderful, u will probably find alot of answers on here, even if u only find some, its progress.

I wish u a peaceful weekend, lets hope he rain subsides and the sun comes out, take care.

jbob

Thanks again... Today was a \"good\" day, I have been able to interact with people at work and haven't really felt anxious... I've been trying to tell myself it was all real, but i feel it was a combination of the Lorazepam and me putting on a happy act because i hate people thinking I'm being off wiht them...

But still a pretty good day..Totally agree about this forum has been a real relif to get stuff out but also reading about others experiences/feelings... I still don't really feel strong enough to alk to my family, the few poeople that do know have been amazing (one being my manager and he's arranged all my councilling/Dr visits for me when I first broke I really owe the bloke) but I still feel like I don't want people knowing until I am able to discuss it without falling apart...

I do however think I am getting my head around the fact it is an illness and in a funny way these meds make that easier to accept, if I'm being put on pills then it must be an illness...

Thanks & as I said I'll keep posting and appreciate your comments and help..

Hiya, im back again, needed a little break, Well I saw my therapist today and jumped a huge hurdle. I was sitting there and he was talking about thoughts and behaviours and it wasnt going in because I was avoiding the real reason I was there, my thoughts those intrusive ones, which have subsided lately so I guess I felt it easier to talk about in past tense. I felt a bit of a release telling him, and he said next time we'd talk about it some more.

I must admit I came away wondering what he thought about it, and worried incase I had social services knocking on my door, so I guess in a way it has raised anxiety in me today, Im worrying again! Probably only natural, but I did tell him the reason I hadnt told him before was because it felt like a dirty little secret and I was ashamed of myself. I felt he understood. and I explained it well.

Well Mr Reluctant, I crossed that hurdle to me, and it felt good the worry is only natural, but I had to stop being shamed of myself and scared I had to release it.

Glad you are feeling a little better today

Hey,

Well, n ot a great night had about 2 hours sleep then the familiar stuggle to get up this morning... I'm in the office as well (don't usually work weekends but have to today to make sure nothing gets broken while some other work is being done) and i really don't want to do anything...

Melissa, I'm glad to hear you got over a hurdle it sounds like you are doing well! :wink:

I didn't even want to take my tablet this morning it was almost like I knew it wil stop me sleeping/eating nad clench my jaw etc.. But I did and am trying to stay away from the Lorazepam as while they give very good anxiety relif it is short lived and also leaves me feeling out of it!

Anyway, better actually try and do what I'm here for and hopefully get home soon and just lie down..

Didnt have a god night sleep, woke up anxious in the night, grinding my teeth! Worrying about what I told the therapist, not feeling too bad now, just feel a bit scarred from a bad nights sleep.

Sorry to hear that, if its any consolation I feel like a zombie today just completely exhausted and bit someon's head off this morning for a very small mistake, I really just feel all over the place and don't know what to do...

I wouldn't worry about whatever it is you've tols your therapist, they are trained not to judge you on what you say or to tell anyone... Hoe your day gets better, hopefully will be going home soon I feel its a bit of an alone day is needed...

Hey,

Today has been ok so far... Still feel really tired and still not sleeping properly and still clenching my jaw. But feel ok, not really myself all a bit kind of dull/numb and don't really get happy or sad about anything... I'm hoping this is all part of the side effecys as well becuase while it has to be better than feeling like i'm always on the verge of crying it still isn't me...

All just very odd...

Well, day 12 and I still don't really feel anything... I guess i'm not on the verge of breaking down all the time, but I am exhausted and still not really eating properly but have been forcing myself as I almost blacked out the other day..

I don't really know if they are helping or just allowing me to get back to my normal \"happy act\" I spent years pretending to everyone around me all was/is fine and did a very good job of it.. . But since I finally admitted to a few people what a mess I was/am in it seems wrong to go back to that but I can't seem to help it as I've been doing ti so long I don't know myself anymore...

One person I told about this told me when i was bad to \"Remeber the last time you were really happy\" and I honestly couldn't think of it.... I think there has alway been an underlying sadness/worry/discontent so maybe thats just normal? Is anyone truly happy/content?

Sorry, guess I just had a restless night again and so much rubbish flying around in my head I had to type some of it out...

Hope you are all doing ok..

Dear Mr Reluctant,

Am glad to hear you are turning a corner and beginning to feel a bit better. I agree about the jaw clenching. It's really weird. I have been chewing biros like they are going out of fashion. Have gone through about ten pens since I started on the drugs. Saw GP last week, (my only confidant apart from you lot) and he is referring me for CBT. He didn't seem to mind me acting like a mentalist the week before. Sees it all the time he reckons.Anyway, less about me. Keep posting on here and let us all know how you're doing. I promise you things will be better soon. Not sleeping won't help. Have you thought about getting some Nytol or something to help you nod off?? It doesn't do the soul much good to be working at weekends either. Have you thought about having some time off and doing something?? You could see your folks and have a change of scene. Does wonders. Been thinking of you this weekend. Am very glad you seem to be more on the mend. xx

PS. I guarantee you have been happy recently - you just can't remember it cos your heads in the shed at the minute. I feel the same. I look back and all I can see is negativity. Right through my life. My mother does it. Someone (my brother) referred to the fact that we had had happy childhoods and cited a list of reasons why. I agreed with him. It was such a bl00dy shock though cos for years I have drilled it into myself that we were unhappy cos we were poor and from a broken family. It wasn't true!! The mind plays strange and CRUEL tricks sometimes. Its part of the reason we are where we are now - in the shed with our heads.

Thanks loony, I guess I just had a bad night and am on a bit of a downer this morning... But not anywhere near as bad as I have been over the past couple of months...

I'll keep posting I actually find it a good way to get stuff out, I've never been great at talking about my feelings or me in general so its kind of nice to have an outlet!

Ok, now Im not at work with my manager able to see my screen I can post properly... To be fair he has been brilliant and knows a fair amount of my crap and actually arranged for me to see the councillor in the first place.. But I now feel bad not concentrating on work and spending my time on here as well.. .

But anyway, today wasn't great I felt bad because my mum phoned me yesterday and said she was going ot come and see me but didn't because she was ill, and how did I feel? I was relieved how much of an a***hole am i? Mum was ill and I was glad she didn't come to see me, because if she had turned up she would have seen the state of my place/me and then I would have had to explain and I'm just not ready...

So felt terrible about being a crappy son all night and didn't sleep then just felt numb today.. I don't really know how else to explain it, I've completly lost interest in everything, I still turn up to work but I used to enjoy it... I get home in the evening and do nothing.. The place is a total mess and I know I need to clear up but just can't.

I feel like i'm just floating along, not interest or enthusiasm for anything, the only way I can really describe it if you have seen the film \"Click\" (Adam Sandler) the \"I'm on Autopilot\" I feel like I am just getting by with no real interest in anything... At least before this i felt something, even if it was just wanting to cry/shout/breakdown is this better?