Struggling

Day 13... And while I'm not superstitious it certainly feels like an unlucky day.. Woke up at 3am again and not able to get back to sleep.. Still feel totally lethargic and complete apathy for everything...

I just can't get any sort of enthusiasm for anything, I thought feeling on the verge of falling apart all the time was bad.. I have not interest in things I enjoy so the everyday \"chores\" have no chance my place is a state but I just get home lie down on the sofa and thats it.. I just have no interest in anything, even getting myself to type this is a struggle I just feel like I gave up on life the night I thought about suicide and now have lost any interest as i'm obviously no good at it..

But now I don't know what is better, is this me now? Someone that just drifts along not feeling happy or sad or anything? Or was i better off being a mess?

Although I do seem to be feeling a little anxiety again (not even sure what about) but have the familiar discomfort in my chest that always seems to be the start of it.. So I guess I still feel something..

I'm just wondering if these meds are actually doing anything? Ok, I don't want to cry all the time but that could be down to having \"been there and done that\" I broke i such a spectacular fashion in front of my friend and then both the councillor and Psych that maybe that is whats done it?

What about the things you ARE doing?? Even though you feel like a bag of sh1t you have made it into work, ie got out of bed, got your clothes on, gone out got in car and made it in. You have managed to get on your computer and type how you feel. Remember that EVERYTHING you are doing is an achievement the way you are feeling now and all these little things are accomplishments in themselves. Fairy steps kiddo. Don't beat yourself up about not seeing your mum, (although I think it might help if she could come round and clean up for you / be someone to talk to if you are up for it), or even the state of your house/ flat. You can clean up on the weekend when you will have time off and feeling a bit better. When I had my crash, I told myself that if I could have a shower, (after a week in bed crying), that things would get better. Then I told myself that if I could blow dry my hair, I would get better and so on... Recognise what you are doing and forget all this cr@p about not doing stuff. You are getting there step by step.

Thanks loony, I do get your point...

I just find it all very very frustrating, I've always been the type of person to push myself and to achieve alot more than most people thought possible.. So to now be struggling to motivate myself to do silly things like wash up, tidy up, work (I'm here now and am probably working at about 50% of my normal work rate)...

I just hate the person I seem to be turning into, I have no confidence in myself which ok isn't a new thing in general, but to feel like that at work is new and totally alien to me...

Reluctant,

I think alot of people experience this \"nothing\" feeling when they start on the meds, I did. Take it positively that u arent feeling depsair and falling apart yet u can still function well enough to get to work. Dont put pressure in yourself regarding your home, try and say and set a target to do things, if u dont meet them then dont worry, remember this wont be cured overnight. I hit my rock bottom over 2 years ago, had a couple of real lulls since, but the fact i dont take anything now and can \"sort\" of deal with issues without spiralling down shows that things can and do improve.

When i hit rock bottom i couldnt eat for over a week, id reach and couldnt swallow, it took me months to feel ok. Its easy for me to say this now, im not living it but i have, i also had a messy divorce and kids to deal with. Different people react diffently with these meds, i used to feel quite spaced out at 1st, for me it was relief as id rather feel like that than cry and and feel a mess.

What im trying to say is that u have made progress and u will continue to, reading posts on here gave me a great, real life insight to what people go through and how they deal with it, it helped me realised that i wasnt a freak, far from it that what u dealing with now, many, many people have and come through it and so will u.

take care

jbob

Thanks jbob...

I see what you mean and everyone I have spoken to about this and on here has said similar that I'm being too hard on myself by expecting too much etc etc... But thats what i've always done, I've always wanted/expected myself to do more than people expect and more importantly more than I expect...

But now I just feel like I can't be bothered to do anything.. Those thoughts have left me feeling like I just gave up on life.. I've always thought like that about suicide and never understood it at all, how could anyone just give in like that? But there I was working out how...

I got up, came into work etc because its the only thing where I've kept a level of normality and if I don't make it to the office it feels like I've totally given up/let it beat me. But then I worry that I'm more of a hinderance than a help while i'm here and that people are discussing me/laughing at me.. But sitting around alone scares me because what if I think like that again?

Sorry, really not having a good day.. But that makes it worse as friday and the weekend were ok, then I'm back where I started.

I think you are very right to keep yourself going as normal. I agree that being on your own sometimes does you no good at all - in fact I go spectacularly berserk when I am sat in the house ruminating all day with noone round. I think being on my own most of the time has led to this particular episode of lunacy for my part. There is nothing my rotten mind likes more than playing things over and over again and coursing downwards into the pit of doom - so KEEP GOING - you are deffo doing the right thing. Sod the house - like I said earlier those things can wait. But you need your job for more things than the wage. You have your colleague who helped you when you were in melt down. You get to be with, \"normal\" people who will talk to you and bring with them the level playing field you need to be on. And it takes your mind off feeling bad. I have had depression before when I was much younger and I remember feeling terrible because I had been \"diagnosed with depression\". You said that in your first post. That in itself makes you feel like there is something really wrong with you. There isn't really. MOST people have depression at some time in their lives. I am not being dismissive at all when I say this, but there is nothing you have said about how you are feeling that most of us haven't been through at some time. I think you are also in a bit of shock at this \"Diagnosis with depression \" thing. It sounds flipping terrible when you have had no experience of it before.In fact the whole process of opening up and telling someone can feel hugely embarrassing which can make you stress and feel worse. It's a bit of a blow all round when you probably haven't even thought about depression in the past and suddenly you are being told you're depressed and that you should take medication. You will get over that. You're not weird or mental. You're HUMAN. Chill out kiddo and stop roughing yourself up about it. I think you are doing marvellously. Remember, you are recognising the fact that all this is going on. You are perceptive and aware of your feelings and that is how you need to be to get better. It feels like a struggle now, but it won't be for much longer. You have the boll0x to do this....

Thank you loony..

I can't explain quite how well timed your reply was, but I'll give it a go... I was in the middle of typying an email to my manager saying I can't handle it anymore and it is all getting too much.. I'm totally exhausted because I haven't slept since being on these meds, I haven't eaten properly either (and used to be pretty bad with food as well) and its all taking its toll etc etc...

I was writing all this then read your reply and I know you were essentially only echoing what I said but reading someone else saying it made me realise I have to somehow keep going... I have been feeling like I'm weird/mental and worried about what the few people that do know think...

So I haven't sent it...

Thanks again

Am made up. Sending big hugs from loony land.xxx

Thanks, same back..

Honestly your reply helped me alot this afternoon :D

Still not great, but not feeling as bad as earlier, I wanted to give up on everything and was very close to going home... Which reminds me I'd better do that now! Thanks again..

Hey all,

Thought I'd try and give a \"sum up\" of the past 2 weeks as I may not be able to post for a little while, have a work thing tomorrow (scared about it, but not as bad as I have been)

Well its now 2 weeks since I started my Citalopram and I still don't think its made that much difference... I know I'm slightly more stable as I don't want to cry all the time (which was very out of character before this I could count the number of times I've cried in my adult life on one hand... And half that for others seeing!) so that has to be a plus...

But at the moment I'm still sure the downsides are outweighing that, I'm not sleeping properly 4 or 5 hours max and most nights about 2 or 3... I'm not eating properly (ok, thats nothing new but seems worse than usual!)... I feel very detached/numb most of the time and whenI do feel anything its usually getting anxious about something. The Lorazepam helps with anxiety short-term but then get woried about becoming reliant on it. Besides all of that I think the worst thing for me is the complete lack of motivation and apathy I'm not interested in anything...

I come into work but feel like I'm (as I said in a previous post) on autopilot and not a very good autopilot at that! Today was the most I've struggled to get up, I've had the familiar struggle for months now (which before breaking down in front of people I'd never had) but this really was hard and i thought I was going to give in to it... Only way I'm doing it is to think there must be a \"good day\" due soon as the past 3 or 4 have been \"bad days\"

Anyway, sorry for going on.. I just find it good to type stuff out and even if no-one else reads it it still helps me..

Hope you are all doing well?

Hello Mr Reluctant

Was wondering whether your GP/psych has offered counselling or some sort of follow up??. You would probably benefit from having an outlet where you can discuss how you're feeling with someone. I really think you should go back to your GP and tell him about the not sleeping situation because that won't be doing you much good either. Things are alwys twenty times worse when you're tired. Are you still managing OK going to work every day??

Hi Looney,

Yes, I have to see the psyc again on Monday and then the councillor on Wednesday... So hopefuly that will start to help...

Well, day 15 went ok actually I didn't sleep much and probably added to that becuase I was worried about today (had to goto london for work and was scared) but manage the \"happy act\" really well, almost convinced myself for a little while (also aided bt Lorazepam again)

Yes, thats the silly thing work has always been my coping mechanism, whenever things have gone to s**t I've just worked harder/longer hours so to not do that would mean I have failed at the one thing I've always been good at in my life... People (including my manager) have said I should stay home if things are bad but it just feels like giving in and last time I felt like that was when I had the suicidal thoughts and that really scares me as what if that heppens again?

Thanks again for replying I appreciate your help, hope you are all good?

Hi Reluctant,

You need to stay positive and focused on your goal of getting through this and you will. Its unlikely your suicidal thoughts will come back, and I will tell you what my therapist told me 'they [i:f3f61c70d9]are only thoughts'[/i:f3f61c70d9], Intrusive ones at that, its a fear. And thats normal with anxiety. When the fear or thought comes you need to let it in, and let it out. Dont dwell on it.

Start thinking positive things, plan for the future. Think back on good times, thinking of good things will release the chemicals that make you feel good. Try it.

Hi melissa,

Thanks, yep I think thats the thing... I know all the stuff, its just finding a way to motivate myself again, I know how stupid it sounds but that night I felt like I had given up on everything and have struggled since then to find that drive/motivation...

I appreciate your help and I am trying to find a way to bring out my self motivation and self worth again, I'm sure the councilling will help me with that and until then, I can at least function again without breaking down (all be it chemically assisted)

Thanks...

Day 16

I guess I knew it was coming as i've been at least appearing to be very \"up\" the past couple of days... So I managed about 2 or 3 hours sleep and woke up on a real downer again... I have still stumbled into work I need to keep that level of normality but feel like a fraud for the past 2 days pretending to be ok.. But have to try as I hate other people to think I'm being off with them.

I'm meant ot be meeting my mum for lunch and I'm worried she'll notice I'm not right (it must be fairly obvious, for one thing i realized I haven't had a hair cut for at least 3 months! Usually I get it done fairly regularly but can't be bothered) but I know I can't skip it because I haven't seen any of my family for a long time and feel bad.. I just don't know how I'll cope if she does notice and says somethign as I'll have to expalin and everytime I've done that so far (Friend at work, councillor and Psyc) I've completly fallen apart and I don't want to do that again..

How do you do it? Is the \"I'm fine\" act something everyone does? I know thats probably a big part of why I am where I am (god I sound like an ornage advert \"I am who I am because of my inability to let people know my true feelings\" but I feel bad if people know I'm not right and feel vulnerable letting people know my insecurities/weaknesses...

Anywa, sorry i'm going on again...

P,S Still clenching my jaw alot as well, really worried i'm going to need to visit the dentist (and no NHS ones near me!)