Struggling

Day 17,

Don't feel too bad in my head today, bit numb again really... But physically feel exhausted, I woke up drenched in sweat and clenching my jaw as well... The upside being it was the most sleep I've had for a very long time, I managed a whole 8 hours and only woke up once...

glad to hear you're doing better kiddo. The sleep will make you feel better. Keep your pecker up!! Rooting for you. Are you still going to work??

Thanks loony,

Yep, still been in work.. Had the day off today to go and see the psyc (have loads of holiday to use anyway so thought I'd have an easy day..) he's upped my dosage which I'm a little worried about, does that mean more side effects? As it seems like I was just getting over the worst of them... But feel ok again today..

You all good?

You may feel a bit wobbly at first, but I can't imagine any side effects would last for that long. If you start feeling better, it doesn't really matter about the odd side effect does it?? As long as you're not throwing up in a bucket or anything.

Anyway, I just typed a massive post but seem to have lost it somehow. The upshot is that I am feeling much much better thank you for asking. All well on planet loony. Glad you're feeling better. I think it takes a while to adjust to the meds and the psych and everything, so you seem to have come through very well kiddo. It's getting sorted out which is the main thing. Keep your pecker up!! xx

Thanks loony... Yep I guess thats right, just the lack of sleep was really getting to me before and now I've kind of started to sleep again it would get to me again.. Also the not eating was getting bad before, and again I've started to again over the past few days so don't want to slip again... But if thats what they think is required I guess I've just got to accept it and realize it is a step to get better.

He did also prescribe sleeping tablets but don't want ot go down that route if I can avoid it...

Glad to here you are doing well

Bad day today, only had about 2 hours sleep... Just couldn't stop my mind racing again, think I was worried about the councilling app I have later (last time I ended up in such a mess and I hate that!) also worried about the doseage/side effects as I start that tomorrow...

I'm in work but just not able to concentrate at all, almost said I need to go home but then worried if I sit around it will be worse!

God I need to stop being so self pitying about stupid stuff! Think I'm just exhausted sleep had been better the previous few days but just couldn't last night and have let eating slip again...

You're bound to have your ups and downs while you are settling on the meds. Its also normal to feel unsettled and freaked out by talking about yourself to someone you don't know. It's all part of the process, so you can start looking at yourself dispassionately and start to feel better, by learning more about how you've got to this place. When I had counselling fifteen years ago, I remember listening to myself and thinking, \"what have i got to be worried about - it's not so bad\", which is what you need to feel to get better. It's horrible and it's no wonder you dread it cos it's all so emotional and if you're anything like me you will end up bawling your head off - that's why the doctors want you to go - so you can do just that - it's all part of the therapy so chill out and get yourself down there for round two. They will have seen it all before so don't stress. You're probably a breath of fresh air to them and they definitely won't think any worse of you for getting upset. Also, if you didn't sleep last night, its more likely than not that you will go to sleep tonight so every cloud.... Hope it goes OK.

Thanks as always loony

I do get that, when I think rationally I so think its all so silly etc... just sadly don't think rationally that often at the moment, although it is getting better as I haven't broken down for a couple of weeks now...

Calmed myself a little now (or the exhaustion has totally taken over not sure which) just tying to fill up the last hour or so of work before I slope off to the councillor...

Councillor was good, gave me quite a lot to think about... Unfortunatly that meant thats all I was doing last night and didn't sleep again, got a couple of hours then woke up at 1.30 this morning....

Feel completly exhausted today, just want to go to sleep but am at my desk so really trying to fight it...

I did just watch the BBC Inside Sport from last night (iPlayer) and got quite scared but also comforted about how much of what was said I could/can relate to...

While its nothing on the scale of sports stars I guess I have put a level of expectation on myself at work and maybe it has a bigger part of this than I want to admit... But thinking like that worries me too as it is the only part of my life where Ihave been reasonably successful and I don't know what to do if I have to back off from that...

You're doing OK. All this is good because you are DEALING with it - whereas up to now you have been suffering away in silence to the point you have made yourself ill. Its disconcerting not sleeping properly but it will come. Its important to get some sleep though so don't feel bad about taking tablets - it will do you no good at all to be tired while all this is going on. As for work, you are doing brilliantly. You have told your bosses so they can't touch you now and if they did criticise you, you would have some legal redress. (Trust me I am a lawyer). Give yourself time and remember this is an ilness - even though I think that in itself can freak a person out - remember you're no weirdo - I know loads of people on anti depressants especially in the legal profession. We're all nuts.

Try and give yourself some space this weekend and do something you like doing - even if its just a chinese and a dvd. Try and give yourself a break. You're OK.

xx

Thanks again loony...

Today has been the best day I've had for a very very long time... I think its a combination of uping my doseage, acting on the advice from my councillor, that inside sport prgram and talking very openly with my mum about things and about my Dad (who also suffered a severe bout of depression when I was very young)

Also the continuing support from work has been amazing... On a real \"up\" day today and even though I know i will still have ups and downs I feel so much better than a few weeks ago and realized how bad it got when talking to mum as I could relate to so much of what she said dad was doing/saying!

Just wandering about to read about peoples' experiences and felt quite emotional reading your posts because I have been there. I have been on CL for a year now, and therapy for 2 years .

And you know what, it does get better! I would never have believed I would finally discover the real me under the illness ( I had been in denial for as long as I can remember about being depressed- prob since the age of 10- I'm 28 now ) but it eventually happened , without even noticing it at first.

A year ago I had a major breakdown, could not do anything at all was totally demotivated , could not face the outside world, a mix of paranoia and obsessive self consciousness - in the bad way, I mean I felt totally worthless.

The most important thing is to help yourself, and not worry about others, you need to be your main point of focus, without dwelling about it, that's the hard bit.

like the aa people say, one day at a time .

Just wanted to share my experience, give some kind of hope out there. I'm still over sarcastic about life but I'm on the happy side.

XXX

I've been on 20mg of Citalopram for almost 4 weeks and also taking Zopiclone to help me sleep...Felt really good for the first 3 weeks, but now I feel like I'm going backwards..just want to sleep or run away from the kids....Think I have had postnatel depression with my 2nd & 3rd Children but wouldn't admit it until I had my 4th and went to see the Doctor and broke down....I felt like a failure to my kids, but hoping this will lift me up again soon x

hiya peeps :cheerup:

i'm on fluoxetine and have been for 12 months now :? i'm 61 and had episodes since my early teens, its genetic (mother committed suicide around my age in the 70's ) i hope it's a one off for you peeps :mrgreen:

but if it's not you WILL get through it, trust me i know these things :wink:

i've been in this depressive crap before quite a few times in my life it's a terrible/evil/indiscriminate illness, but hang on in there, these meds actually work, all be it it may take some time to find the right med :?

i just watched the sport thing you mentioned reluctant, frank bruno etc, well peeps it happens to the best of us, churchil, etc etc, don't hide it, seek help, the longer we leave it, the longer it takes to fix :shock:

i was also a 'professional' quantity surveyor, had my own construction company, blah blah blah :shock:

depression is not a weakness, it's an illness, weakness does NOT come into the picture at all :wink:

take time out (as long as it takes) be SELFISH and look after No. one and avoid STRESS like the plague, challenges are ok when we are ready, but avoid STRESS, there's a hell of a difference between the two :mrgreen:

take care reluctant and the rest of you good peeps don't forget 1 in four peeps (25%) will suffer some sort of mental illness in their lifetime :shock:

cheers

Ken~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :run: :rainbow: :peace:

Thank you all for your replies, I have found it a revalation over the past few days realising how common it is and how its nothing to be ashamed of... And I have to thank you all for that as well as the Inside Sport program and also my mum for explaining more about my Dad, i was very young when he had a serious breakdown.

This has all helped so much and while I know I will still have ups and downs I do now at least believe that there is a way out and I can get better!

Thanks bonefetish, I can also relate to that now I've been thinking about it I have been in denial for years and got tipped over byt something very small.. But even after breaking (quite spectaculary!) I still really did strggle when the psyc said \"You are severly depressed\"

clairebear74, it will start to get better, I also got prescribed Zopiclone but I have been trying to avoid taking them (as I have a history of sleep walking and they can cause that if you have)... It will be up and down all the way but the general trend will be up! I have found posting on here or just writing down my feeling/fears invaluable if for no other reason than to read them back when I'm a little more rational and realizing they were nothing really.

Thanks psychochief totally agree it is horrible and indescriminate and I left it too long before admitting I needed help, I hope that program helped others to seek help sooner and takes away some of the stigma that stil exists around the subject of depression!

Really appreciate all your comments and hope that my posts can be of some comfort to those who are also struggling.