Struggling...and TOO LUCKY..and pushing LIMITS

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So...I have been struggling with my sobriety..I don't think its a secret...

​I asked for random drug testing hoping to help me and at the time..I really had no desire to drink..so I thought I would kill two birds with one stone....have the support of my therapist...and have documentation to support for authorities evaluating the continuance of my INCOME for prove that I am NOT DRINKING.

​Well, much is going on...I won't bore you...the bottom line is...I reach a point where I'm overwhelmed and then the anger pops up that I cant drink like everyone else...and I get determined to show me and everyone else that I CAN drink like everyone else.

​Since I passed both my previous drug testing...last one yesterday and the fact I have only drank one time in 3 months....I decided today after therapy....I would drink...so I would have Thurs...Fri...Sat...Sun...to get it out of my system before they could possibly call me for another one.  The test is a test that can test up to 80 hours that you have consumed alcohol.

​Not only is 4 days pushing the limit....its not guaranteed that NOW I wont drink tommorow.  And its not guaranteed that they won't call for a random tommorow...but being overwhelmed out weighs my fear of being denied or any other consequences.

​I have an extremely important appointment tommorow....and Friday another one.  So anyway...I bought a 12 pack.

​I am 52 years old...never been stopped by police....here I am on my way home...on my street...before I got to my street I had gotten the beer and a roast for the crock pot....and I got money for cigs..so I don't have to go out...while at the bank, I thought of cracking open a beer because I have HAD it with stress and not feeling well.  BUT I DID NOT.

I was ONE street away from my street and didn't notice the police officer standing on the side of the road with a radar gun...he signaled me to PULL OVER.

​So, I can see my house from where I was pulled over.  I had my window down, seat belt on, 12 pack sitting on back seat...along with the roast..he's looking around my car.  I say to him..."Hmmm, I've NEVER been stopped before...was I speeding?" 

​He shows me the gun 42....in a 25.....reminds me that it is a "school zone" (higher fines)....so he says..."You've NEVER been stopped?".  I said..."No, I don't normally speed..but I want to get the roast in the pot and my street is right there..and I know school is already over...wasn't thinking about it."

​He said..."I will probably give you a warning".  I said ok....he went to his car....for like TEN MINUTES...he was inches away from me...I'm thinking....great....and D*MN GOOD THING..I didn't open that beer at the bank...cause I can blow a pure ZERO on a breathalizer. 

​He comes back...says - "This is your warning, go SLOWER"....enjoy your roast and good JOB on a CLEAN record".  I just said "Thank you". 

​And as I was turning around....i was thanking God...WHY I didn't open that beer at the bank...I dunno....I typically would as I was not even a mile from my house...and I was dying to release my anxiety.

​Lucky again...but so bad for me because #1 I am bragging about it...and #2....it keeps me thinking I am just well enough.

​Seriously, I am afraid of what the rest of the week will bring.  Will I stop? Will I make my appointments?  Will I get caught? But none of that stopped me....finishing beer #1....and feeling relieved..not guilty yet...I will feel guilty and awful tommorow morning.

 

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  • Posted

    kelly!  Will you have a hangover in the morning?

    I'm terrified I will drink tommorow...I need to stay in the MOMENT..and I can't.

    ​Yea, I just heard my  boyfriend stir..he's gonna flip...he is not violent...but I don't want to deal with the lectures...and the initial surprise that I am drinking.

    ​I just typed a LONG post about all my problems under here...and its not here....oh well...I will possibly do it again...but I felt better after I did it.

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    • Posted

      No..I'm not sober....I drank....and I'm screwed now.

      Now..I have to tell a friend that I told I would pick up tommorow that I won't...I can't take that pressure of knowing I have to pick her up.

      ​I just have to get drunk...pass out and hopefully wake up to NOT wanting to drink....

      Whats for dinner?

      ​i took a pork loin....a can of cranberry sauce and one packet of onion soup....someone told me leave in crock pot for 2 hours..turning at 1 hour....doubt I will eat...it...but i hope I do.

      ​What are you having...by yourself obviously...my b/f will wake up for food...then sh*t will hit the fan..cause there is beer here.

      ​Which shouldn't matter cause he does "something" every day of the week...I went at least 3 months!

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  • Posted

    I can't stand my posts or anyone elses to sit in purgatory...so I keep responding to it..

     

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    • Posted

      I was just so upset about the mix up at the dentist and they gave no apology for being wrong. I drank 2 beer when we went to eat and 5 at home. I fell asleep for about an hour. I have 1 beer in the fridge. I either drink it now or dump it away. If its there tomorrow 1 will not be enough. I'm sorry you fell off the wagon. Tomorrow is a new day for both of us. Don't beat yourself up. I've stopped doing that due to the fact I'll just drink more. I figure if I keep researching and reading and people stop p*ssing me off I'll stop. Sort of serious sarcasm there. We're not born perfect. We can only live and learn. By the way, it was chicken for supper and I accomplished nothing else sad
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    • Posted

      Didn't realized I cursed so my post is being moderated. Sorry about that. It was pretty long. Tomorrow is a new day. I drank 7 beer today. I have 1 left. I either drink it or dump it away. 1 will not be enough for me tomorrow so I need to take care of it tonight. We are not born perfect. I'm hoping I soon get the hint that this relapsing is not fun.
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  • Posted

    Also, my husband is not happy but I told him I'm not hiding anything from him.  Never did and never will.  We've known one another since school and have been together since 2011.  He loves me and won't argue.  He'd rather me be honest.  Back on track tomorrow.  I was really enjoying myself sober.  Funny how the dentists office messed up my appointment, got me angry, and never even apologied and I talked myself into drinking.  Swore i had today taken care of.  Remember tomorrow is a new day for both of us.  Going to finish that last beer so there is no more here tomorrow.  
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  • Posted

    P.S.  If you get this message tonight do not leave any beer for tomorrow.  If you get this message in the morning I hope you dump it away before you drink again.  We can do this!
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    • Posted

      I think I had 9 or 10...and my body ACHES this morning...there are 2 in the fridge...so I may have had 8 or 9....because I think my boyfriend had 1..

      ​It felt good at the time...well half of the time...till I was bumping into walls...on the way to my bed in my clothes....never ate that roast.

      Did you eat? Do you eat when drinking?

      ​I can't drink today since I am under the alcohol radar with my therapist...and I have an appointment.  I think it is good that I  have these things because otherwise I would probably open a beer right now.

      ​Its hard for me to handle the hangover effects...but I will have to.

      ​How do you feel?  I don't feel like death...but I don't feel good either.

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    • Posted

      Good Morning Missy!  Due to the mix up at the dentist I have about 10 minutes and I have to go back.  Trying to remail calm since the girl at the front desk has absolutely no personality.  

      I usually eat after I'm finished drinking and choose unhealthy foods.  I did eat the chicken but I aslo ate ice cream.  But, even back in the day I always drank first because room for alcohol was more important than room for food. 

      I guess it's a good thing you can't drink today.  But that beer that's making you go eewww will eventually look good.  I still need to get rid of that "1" left in my fridge.

      It's difficult for me to handle the hangovers too.  I like to drink to feel better.  Today will be difficult.

      So, I feel alright.  A bit of a headache and that feeling where a few drinks will solve it all - as usual. 

      I hope you have a good day and maybe we'll chat later this evening.

      Stay strong & stay sober!!!

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    • Posted

      ok, hopefully you had luck at the dentist.

      Its good that you eat after drinking...I NEVER do...and it makes me feel worse in the morning.  I could never be out the door right now....

      Can't believe I wrote these drunk posts...but I think it is good I guess for people to see...that these things happen and maybe it will make one person go...OMG....I shouldn't drink.

      ​And viewing the private chat of 2 people that are struggling....the Kelly and Missy documentary.  I did watch some of the documentary that RHGB posted and one lady who I thought was not even half as bad as me....died 4 years after the documentary was aired....i don't want to die....I wish the desire to drink....or the need to drink when overwhelmed would vanish.

      ​We need new coping skills...Ice Cream and beer ...ewww...lol

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    • Posted

      All I can smell is stale beer.  I don't know if it is on me...or in the house in general.....I feel like a loser....I hate these feelings.

      ​I don't know how you got out of the house so quickly this morning...you must be younger....I'm 52....and it is hard for me to even contemplate the shower right now...but I will get there.....and then possibly take the garbage out because the beer smell is gross.

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    • Posted

      I probably didn't drink as much as you did.  I had 4 beer at the resaurant and 5 at home. Yep, leaving that one beer leftover.

      I'm 46 and and believe me it was not easy moving around today!  Today the beer tasted and smelled good.  I had a total of 4 and promised my husband I would not ask him to stop for a 6 pack and I didn't.  

       

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    • Posted

      HI Kelly. Seems slightly out of control this week...sorry to be direct but it has been a hard week for you...what are your plans for the weekend??less?? Regards Robin   smile
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    • Posted

      Well Robin, I was reminded last evening how very little sleep I get when I drink. It did not help having time off work. I work in the medical field and have a long week and a short week. Today starts my long week. One day off between today and next Friday.

      Plus tomorrow and Saturday I'm 3-11. Very little chance of drinking. Monday I go to outpatient therapy. So the plan is to figure out how to deal with myself when I have time off. Thanks for asking and that wasn't too direct. Feel free to ask questions or give advice. That's why I'm on here. Praying for this day to go fast. Ugh....

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