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So...I have been struggling with my sobriety..I don't think its a secret...
I asked for random drug testing hoping to help me and at the time..I really had no desire to drink..so I thought I would kill two birds with one stone....have the support of my therapist...and have documentation to support for authorities evaluating the continuance of my INCOME for prove that I am NOT DRINKING.
Well, much is going on...I won't bore you...the bottom line is...I reach a point where I'm overwhelmed and then the anger pops up that I cant drink like everyone else...and I get determined to show me and everyone else that I CAN drink like everyone else.
Since I passed both my previous drug testing...last one yesterday and the fact I have only drank one time in 3 months....I decided today after therapy....I would drink...so I would have Thurs...Fri...Sat...Sun...to get it out of my system before they could possibly call me for another one. The test is a test that can test up to 80 hours that you have consumed alcohol.
Not only is 4 days pushing the limit....its not guaranteed that NOW I wont drink tommorow. And its not guaranteed that they won't call for a random tommorow...but being overwhelmed out weighs my fear of being denied or any other consequences.
I have an extremely important appointment tommorow....and Friday another one. So anyway...I bought a 12 pack.
I am 52 years old...never been stopped by police....here I am on my way home...on my street...before I got to my street I had gotten the beer and a roast for the crock pot....and I got money for cigs..so I don't have to go out...while at the bank, I thought of cracking open a beer because I have HAD it with stress and not feeling well. BUT I DID NOT.
I was ONE street away from my street and didn't notice the police officer standing on the side of the road with a radar gun...he signaled me to PULL OVER.
So, I can see my house from where I was pulled over. I had my window down, seat belt on, 12 pack sitting on back seat...along with the roast..he's looking around my car. I say to him..."Hmmm, I've NEVER been stopped before...was I speeding?"
He shows me the gun 42....in a 25.....reminds me that it is a "school zone" (higher fines)....so he says..."You've NEVER been stopped?". I said..."No, I don't normally speed..but I want to get the roast in the pot and my street is right there..and I know school is already over...wasn't thinking about it."
He said..."I will probably give you a warning". I said ok....he went to his car....for like TEN MINUTES...he was inches away from me...I'm thinking....great....and D*MN GOOD THING..I didn't open that beer at the bank...cause I can blow a pure ZERO on a breathalizer.
He comes back...says - "This is your warning, go SLOWER"....enjoy your roast and good JOB on a CLEAN record". I just said "Thank you".
And as I was turning around....i was thanking God...WHY I didn't open that beer at the bank...I dunno....I typically would as I was not even a mile from my house...and I was dying to release my anxiety.
Lucky again...but so bad for me because #1 I am bragging about it...and #2....it keeps me thinking I am just well enough.
Seriously, I am afraid of what the rest of the week will bring. Will I stop? Will I make my appointments? Will I get caught? But none of that stopped me....finishing beer #1....and feeling relieved..not guilty yet...I will feel guilty and awful tommorow morning.
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