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Struggling...and TOO LUCKY..and pushing LIMITS

Posted , 5 users are following.

Misssy2
Misssy2

So...I have been struggling with my sobriety..I don't think its a secret...

​I asked for random drug testing hoping to help me and at the time..I really had no desire to drink..so I thought I would kill two birds with one stone....have the support of my therapist...and have documentation to support for authorities evaluating the continuance of my INCOME for prove that I am NOT DRINKING.

​Well, much is going on...I won't bore you...the bottom line is...I reach a point where I'm overwhelmed and then the anger pops up that I cant drink like everyone else...and I get determined to show me and everyone else that I CAN drink like everyone else.

​Since I passed both my previous drug testing...last one yesterday and the fact I have only drank one time in 3 months....I decided today after therapy....I would drink...so I would have Thurs...Fri...Sat...Sun...to get it out of my system before they could possibly call me for another one.  The test is a test that can test up to 80 hours that you have consumed alcohol.

​Not only is 4 days pushing the limit....its not guaranteed that NOW I wont drink tommorow.  And its not guaranteed that they won't call for a random tommorow...but being overwhelmed out weighs my fear of being denied or any other consequences.

​I have an extremely important appointment tommorow....and Friday another one.  So anyway...I bought a 12 pack.

​I am 52 years old...never been stopped by police....here I am on my way home...on my street...before I got to my street I had gotten the beer and a roast for the crock pot....and I got money for cigs..so I don't have to go out...while at the bank, I thought of cracking open a beer because I have HAD it with stress and not feeling well.  BUT I DID NOT.

I was ONE street away from my street and didn't notice the police officer standing on the side of the road with a radar gun...he signaled me to PULL OVER.

​So, I can see my house from where I was pulled over.  I had my window down, seat belt on, 12 pack sitting on back seat...along with the roast..he's looking around my car.  I say to him..."Hmmm, I've NEVER been stopped before...was I speeding?" 

​He shows me the gun 42....in a 25.....reminds me that it is a "school zone" (higher fines)....so he says..."You've NEVER been stopped?".  I said..."No, I don't normally speed..but I want to get the roast in the pot and my street is right there..and I know school is already over...wasn't thinking about it."

​He said..."I will probably give you a warning".  I said ok....he went to his car....for like TEN MINUTES...he was inches away from me...I'm thinking....great....and D*MN GOOD THING..I didn't open that beer at the bank...cause I can blow a pure ZERO on a breathalizer. 

​He comes back...says - "This is your warning, go SLOWER"....enjoy your roast and good JOB on a CLEAN record".  I just said "Thank you". 

​And as I was turning around....i was thanking God...WHY I didn't open that beer at the bank...I dunno....I typically would as I was not even a mile from my house...and I was dying to release my anxiety.

​Lucky again...but so bad for me because #1 I am bragging about it...and #2....it keeps me thinking I am just well enough.

​Seriously, I am afraid of what the rest of the week will bring.  Will I stop? Will I make my appointments?  Will I get caught? But none of that stopped me....finishing beer #1....and feeling relieved..not guilty yet...I will feel guilty and awful tommorow morning.

 

0 likes, 35 replies

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  • nicole36330
    nicole36330 Misssy2

    Posted

    I eat during drinking,all through drinking,that's why I've put on so much weight.Im lucky (or unlucky ) enough not to really get hangovers.

    The woman in the documentary was drinking 3 bottles of wine a day which was what I was drinking till about 3 months ago.Now it averages about a bottle and a half

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 nicole36330

      Posted

      glad you cut down....the woman was also smoking like a chimney like i do....

      ​You probably don't get hangovers because you eat...I think you are lucky to not get them....you have more of a chance of not drinking when you are ready to stop....if you don't feel crappy.

      ​The reason I usually keep drinking is because i feel so crappy....a drink fixes it for a time..and then I start that vicious cycle.

    • Kelly2727
      Kelly2727 Misssy2

      Posted

      I eat after the fact and still get hangovers.  Today we went to my dentist appt. and they admitted that I actually did have an appt yesterday and they screwed up.  So, I had to take 1/2 a vacation day tomorrow.  I had already rearranged my work schedule so I was ticked off!  Stopped at Red Lobster on the way home. Had 3 drinks and now that ONE that was left over from yesterday!  

      I feel like I AM on that vicious cycle again.  

      Praying I can get on track soon!

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 Kelly2727

      Posted

      I have never been to a Red Lobster...I would love it if there was one around here..I see the commercials all the time.

      ​lets get off the drinking wagon...bad..bad.

    • nicole36330
      nicole36330 Kelly2727

      Posted

      I love love seafood but it's so expensive here in London.We went to Florida 25 years ago and I gorged out on lobster,crab and oysters......and wine as well!
    • Kelly2727
      Kelly2727 Misssy2

      Posted

      How did you do today Missy?  I have no alcohol at home so I'm less tested.  Plus, I've been so tired for two days.  

      I agree to get off the wagon! (Red Lobster is great)

    • Kelly2727
      Kelly2727 nicole36330

      Posted

      Nicole, my husband and I went all out.  We always get the huge platter.  That totals $60 (not including drinks)  Very well satisfied.  

      I have relatives in London.  They visit once every 3 or 4 years.  I would love to vist them.  I've been to Florida also burt I was very young.  I am not a wine drinker.  Beer is my drink of choice.  Time to stay sober!

    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 Kelly2727

      Posted

      im drinking....sad...but my b/f just brought me some fried chicken legs..two small ones and I ate them...wicked good.
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 nicole36330

      Posted

      60 is alot...but for food...its worth it.

      What was on the platter Kelly? Iknow I replied to nicole..but if your reading..what did you eat?  I love frigin lobster..

       

    • nicole36330
      nicole36330 Misssy2

      Posted

      Me and hubby eat out a lot ,that's where all our money goes but it usually cheap places like chain pubs....
    • Kelly2727
      Kelly2727 Misssy2

      Posted

      Oh, I was really hoping you wouldn't be drinking. I drank 4 beer today. Tomorrow is back to work and it's easier for me to get back on the wagon when I'm working. Due to drinking for 2 days I am so tired. I hate this feeling. A huge reminder as to why I like being sober. As for my seafood platter....my husband and I get the same thing every time. A large plate of grilled shrimp, scallops, snow crab legs , lobster, broccoli and rice. Its amazing how much more expensive it was with beer. The waitor asked if I wanted a 16 or 20 ounce. Of course give me the large one. I drank 3 of them with my meal. I drank them fast because I knew I only had one beer at home and I promised my husband I wouldn't ask him to stop for a 6 pack. Insanely mad! I feel terrible. I wish I could back these past 2 days but I can't. I can only be glad that I now have no alcohol in the fridge. My husband said he's glad I have this website in hopes someone will get through to me. I have to agree. I don't sleep well when I drink so after tonight I'll be glad for sleep over the weekend. Lets stay sober tomorrow Missy. All we need is one day to get back on track.
    • Kelly2727
      Kelly2727 nicole36330

      Posted

      We eat out a lot too. I think it's time I get on the wagon and stay out of restaurants that serve alcohol. Better yet, maybe I should cook. Lol.
    • Misssy2
      Misssy2 Kelly2727

      Posted

      Yes, I think you will be ok since you have work....that is a HUGE help.  I know alot of people that drink to excess but because they have work....it keeps them going during the day.  So, I wish you the best tonight with sobriety.

      ​For me...I don't know...I've given in to the feeling of escape....last night I don't know how many I had...seems like I had 10 but I don't know...I do know that I ate because my b/f bought me chicken wings...and I normall don't eat when drinking but I was starving....I don't feel as bad this morning as I did yesterday morning.

      ​i have another important appointment today...to get the results of my "brain" memory tests....and I'm dragging....but able to go....

      ​The bad part of me is thinking of telling my therapist I am taking a break from therapy because I don't feel ready to stop drinking....and that i don't want positive DRUG tests on my record..I am going thru enough.

      ​You said all we need is one day to get back on track...it will take me at least 3 days now to feel normal again and the more I do it...the more days it takes....UGHHHH.

       

    • Kelly2727
      Kelly2727 Misssy2

      Posted

      It will take me a few days to feel normal again also.  As far as me saying we need one day to get back on track.  I meant one day without drinking and continue from there.  I have terrible cravings today due to drinking the last 2 days.  

      Glad to hear you ate something last night.  For me, if I eat I avoid that huge headache but I suffer from stomach pain from eating too much.  I have no common sense combining food and alcohol.

      Gool luck at your appointment.  Let me know what you decided to do.

      I have a dentist appointment again!  Hoping they have everything straightened out so I don't leave there upset.  That's never a good thing!

      Don't give up!  Hang in there!

    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 nicole36330

      Posted

      I live in the UK and cannot afford crab in restaurants. 8 yrs ago on an Alaska cruise we had Alaska Crab which had legs longer than my arm!! Faboulous food in Anchorage and still dreaming about it....Sorry to mis lead the discussion...Robin
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