struggling today

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Woke several times during the night dreaming yet again. I've had thoughts and visions for the past few days of driving into water, sat in my car by the side of the canal yesterday imagining it, I even looked up on the internet how do you get out of a sinking vehicle, you don't have long. Been out for a drive today to try and clear my head but ended up by the sea which is really rough today, it looked so inviting just to jump in the big waves and get bashed around in the water. I feel quite numb, vacant again as if I'm not all here. I just want to self destruct, but don't  know how or why. Taken 5mg diazepam to try and chill out and relax but my mind won't stop these thoughts. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina, you are ok, you are talking to me, I dont really know what to say but I do think you should see your GP today if you can, taking 5mg Diazepam is alot in one dose, so make sure you are ok, if you feel sleepy etc call 999 or 101, not sure what the safe dose is, you may have to take that amount anyway.  But also drink some cold water and try and dilute the diazepam. Im worried that you are driving with those thoughts, I think may be if you dont need to dont take your car out, I do know how you feel, as I suffer with depression and anixety and some days you think why should I get up shower and get dressed because no-one is going to see me except my hubby when he comes home at 7pm, I dont have dreams well I think they say everyone does but I can never remember mine, but try and have some gentle soft music on in your bedroom, so when you wake up hopefully you will just hear the music and not think of your dream, please do not do anything that will harm you dont go to the water edge, yes its horrible but please try and stay calm and strong. Do you have anyone at home with you? thinking of you
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    • Posted

      I just spent a while typing stuff and its disappeared will try again. I am prescribed 5mg of diazepam as and when required, and I am at home now not driving. I struggled to get up yesterday too, even attended my exercise class too but that didn't lift my mood. I write down my dreams when I wake up some of them are really vivid almost real. I get these thoughts and images then I end up nearly doing something drastic then they go away again until the next time. I got an appointment with psychiatrist on Friday and my boss tomorrow. I am home alone too. Hopefully they will eventually go away. 
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    • Posted

      Hi Tina, well I am  pleased that you have been prescribed 5mg Diazepam, I just thought if you only used to 1mg you may be in trouble, hope I didnt scare you, just thinking of you. I am also pleased to see you have got appointment for Friday, I wish you luck, tell him/her everything especially about going to the water and what you felt. Im sorry you are alone, its harder than, I know when I was on my own, not nice, just no-one to make you get up and cook tea etc... not that I do that much anyway, my hubby is very good to me, sometimes harder especially when work pressures are high, but he is a good man.
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    • Posted

      i was even debating returning to work but still even stupid little things set me off in a rage, I'll see what they got to say on Friday I suppose. I want to start getting down on the mirtazapine too as the weight is piling on which doesn't help with my self esteem either. I know Rome wasn't built in a day but I wish bricks could be layed quicker............without falling down.....my bloody internet keeps failing most probably cos its too windy....rolleyes
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    • Posted

      Hi Tina, you are right with the sensible head and then the non head that tells you take them I dont want to be here, but as you say its hard, but Im glad you can talk to the Samaratines and you have used them before so they know you which is good. The Crisis team is still about here in Essex but not for just talking to someone when you are desperate... its so hard to know what to do when you dont know who to phone..... Sorry I was on some tablets that put a large amount of weight on me and I cant get it off and as you say your self esteem goes even more down, I dont think anyone really likes me or need me, I just feel so worthless and horrible and yet I am lucky I do have a family but when you are on your own all day every day and cant get out even for a small walk, I just fear for the unkown outside. anyway you dont want my whooos on your mind, sorry about that,  will you be alright until friday? well at least you can write on here for us to talk to, I hope the wind dies down so you can get the internet otherwise thats another thing that goes down.  Keep going, thinking of you
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  • Posted

    Tina - I would say just one thing out of personal experience and also 10 years of working as a nurse. Be very, very careful about impulsive attempts at suicide. Most people have no idea of how resilient the human body is. I did 18 months of neuro during my time as a nurse, and looked after any number of people who'd even shot themselves in the head and still survived. But in what state...?

    You're OK with 5mg of diazepam, especially if you've been on it for some time, but don't experiment too much. Diazepam is one of those drugs to which people develop high levels of tolerance quite quickly. Meaning that even if you took a massive dose you'd likely survive... but be left with brain damage. Drowning carries the same potential risk. If you were found (or somehow washed up on the shore) before you were completely dead, your brain would have been starved of oxygen, again leaving you paralysed and helpless.

    The risks with painkillers are even worse - particularly anything containing paracetamol (Panadol) which people tend to think of as harmless. This is a real liver killer. People rarely lose consciousness even after a massive dose, but they go into liver failure after a few days, followed by a long-drawn-out, painful death, with the possibility of being forced to undergo a liver transplant to keep you alive. (And they can do that - there was a case just a few years ago.)

    Get in touch with your doctor or your mental health team, or call the Samaritans if you just want someone to talk to. Samaritans are available 24/7 all over the UK. (Or if you're not in the UK, there'll be at least one crisis line available wherever you are.) Believe me, suicide is not the walk in the park some people think it is. You're just as likely to end up still alive but facing years of physical suffering on top of everything else.

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    • Posted

      Thank you lily I have attempted once , very close a few times but stopped but I find it so hard to get these thoughts and visions out of my head the past few days even when I try to distract myself it is very hard. Yes I have sat looking at the pills but have only taken one, my sensible head takes over majority of the time. I don't want to die but want these thoughts just to go away. I was like this on the 12th July. Got close but stopped by a memeber of the public who then called the police. It then goes away until the next time which seems to be today. I'll most likely phone the Samaritans later or the NHS24 mental health crisis team if this persists for this evening.   
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    • Posted

      Thank you for being sensible, Tina.smile I'm sure everyone in here is very concerned about you. You can call the Samaritans as many times as you like - they won't reject you.
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    • Posted

      The times i have used them they have been most patient, understanding and very nice people without being judgemental. I have even spoken the same person on two different occasions. I'll just have to keep plodding along I just wish I could cope with all this s***. 
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    • Posted

      thank you lily, it makes alot of sense what you are saying about attempting suicide, I have tried alot of times but obviously still here, but I know it is not nice coming round and seeing the people you love crying because they thought you where going to die, I can see that when I am in a good place but cant see it when I am not, I will try and remember what you wrote. So thank you, I'm sure I am not the only person who have read this and thought oh!!! thank you
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    • Posted

      I know all this makes sense and like you say when you are thinking straight it does make sense but when my head is all over the place and the impulses are there you don't think straight well i don't but there has always so far been that little tiny voice right at the back that pipes up just at the right time. As long as that stays there I should or will survive.
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  • Posted

    Hi Tina,

    I gave this same advice to another person a few days ago, but it is the system I use and it works for me, so maybe it will for you.

    I think that if you feel you want to kill yourself, that's OK.

    When it is a reasoned, considered choice, I think it is up to the individual as to whether they want to stay or go.

    What I would say, is don't go today.

    Say to yourself;

    'This may be unbearable when I think of life going on and on, forever, in this misery, but I have the strength to withstand it for 28 days.'

    Tell yourself;

     'I will kill myself in four week's time, as long as I don't have a 'good' day within that time period.'

    If you have a good day, reset the clock, so you give yourself another four weeks before the big day, from the day you felt a bit better.

    If, at the 28th day, you still feel you can't go on, go right ahead, but make sure if you're going to do it, do it properly. I survived an attempt through 'technical failure'.

    If I try again, I'll get it right - as Lily mentioned, a botched suicide attempt isn't good news.

    So, don't do it today, do it in a month, and do it right.

    In the meantime, try to talk to professionals, speak with the Samaritans, try not to turn inwards on yourself.

    An impulse suicide attempt is never the way forward. 

    Stuart

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina, how are you today? I am hoping you are feeling a tiny bit brighter, as you can see there is alot of us that want you here, and after readling Lily and Stuart its not worth it, but as we both have said that is ok when we have a sensible head on. So I do hope you are with us or you phoned for help and have got it, prehaps in hospital. I wish you the best, look forward to hearing from you to say that you are ok.
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    • Posted

      Thank you all for your concern. Just got home following a meeting with my line manager which went ok, then a meeting with the office manager which didn't go too well. Depending on the psychiatrist report will depend on wether they can continue to support my absence or look at retirement due to illnesses, now I'm all upset yet again and thinking let's just forget everything and ill just go back to work, just shut everything out again. Until the next time and the next. I don't know what to do, typical government employers. Going out for a walk in the rain.
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    • Posted

      Hi Tina, Im sorry about your work, it sucks dont it when people dont understandl how bad it is to suffer this awful illness, we all want to get better but what hope do we have when our medical notes say Mental Health, even the hospitals look for reasons with our mental health instead of what exactly is going on, when I went to A & E a few years ago, I was told by my gp that I was having a stroke, but they all seemed to think it was about my mental health even when evenually they did a cat scan and the results came back with a clot on brain on left side which effects the right side of your body, they couldnt transfer me to the stroke ward because they had a nearo virus in place, at the end after a week my right side still weak but another scan showed that the clot had gone because they had given me large amount of asprin to thin my blood out, anyway they sent me home with no help no support and no physical help either.... So I think what ever the problem what ever the problem is once you get the Mental Health on your notes nothing else seems to matter the real us goes away they cant see beyond.... I really hope you get better news on Friday.... thinking of you take care
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    • Posted

      Just had a rant in a new discussion as can't think straight as the walk in the rain didn't happen. I am raging at the moment. Sorry ,,,,
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