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I'm 20 years old and my girlfriend told me on Monday evening that she wanted some time apart. She told me on Friday after I'd been drinking that she didn't want to be with me anymore. Despite her telling me otherwise, I know that it's completely my fault; I brought our relationship to its knees because of my problems. I'd been binge drinking recently - that and other issues has caused her to end the relationship.
I'm not normal. I haven't been normal since September and I'm not the guy she fell in love with. I'm down about multiple things but this has topped it off. I'm taking 50mg Sertraline every day and I outright refuse to increase the dosage. I've tried CBT and find it totally impersonal, distant and disengaging.
She didn't want to leave me because she was scared I'd commit suicide. I told her it was fine. I really feel ready to end my life now. I've told her I'll change but I'll never be enough for her. She'll be happier with someone else and I'll be a distant, unpleasant memory.
My family have told me to get up and do positive things and I have no idea where to start. They've told me to exercise but because of my heart-related health anxiety that terrifies me and I don't find it satisfying. I write, but I haven't done anything for a while because I can't think of anything to write about. I can't deal with this pain anymore. I want to be normal like others my age; be able to party, have fun, be happy; unhindered and carefree.
I understand the above is impossible and I just want someone to understand how I feel without lecturing me with the same 'life goes on' BS that I find both discouraging and agonising.
Needed to vent; I apologise for the morbid tone.
Thanks for reading,
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