Suicide attempt and depression

Hi,

I tried to kill myself about 3 weeks ago by taking my entire prescription but was sick before I could feel any effects, been on Amitriptyline and nightly booze about a year on and off but had a lot of nights out with work and drinking at home alone and felt one night I should just die. So I took 32x 50mg of Amitriptyline and lots of alcohol but I ended up vomiting from the taste and ended with a numb face and a good nights sleep.

Normally I feel okay and cheery but the odd night or day I can barely stand life and other people are just a knife in the back, I do not want to speak or associate at all and working a service desk job is torture, too many people asking how my day is and this time of year everyone wants to hear what I'm doing for christmas and wishing me the best and all and I wish I could reply with "Well I hope to die from overdose very soon!" but it never happens.

Anyone else felt this way and if so how do you cope? I have made appointments with my doctor but end up making up nonsense as I don't have the nerve to open up to him, he's so nice and polite I don't want to burden him and wish even more to die in my sleep every time I even remotely think about putting such a horrible burden on him and I just turn even more to alcohol and more pills.

Every week I always say about Thursday or even Wednesday I will not touch a single thing, no alcohol or Ami but I always do. I have had colleagues say I look like sh*t on Mondays and sure they are joking and being honest but it puts me down so hard because it hits me like a brick and I feel worse for having no control over such a simple thing.

I need help, I have saved up a lethal dose now and fear I may get so hammered I can't rationalise death and just take the lot. Lets say about 6 grams in total(im only 70KG) and not my own prescription, two aunts and my mothers... plus as much alcohol as necessary.

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