Tinnitus driving me to suicide

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I fell pregnant in Sept 2014 (unplanned).  I didn't want more kids as I had a bad experience after my son was born 9 years ago.  I had dizziness, feeling of sleeping and never waking up again, panic attacks etc.  I took a long time to recover.  So when I feel pregnant (after 9 years) my husband told my son he is going to be a big brother and he got so excited and I didnt have the heart to abort the pregnancy as I saw how happy he was.  I was scared to go through with it considering how it was when my son was born but decided to do it anyway for the sake of my son.  In November 2014 I had a feeling in my right ear that I was losing my hearing so I made an appointment with an ENT.  He did tests but never told me my hearing in my right ear was bad, he just kept quiet.  I was so stupid and didnt even ask him what the tests showed.  He just gave me drops to put in my ear.  I went home and put the drops one day and the next day I would put olive oil and kept this going for a week.  However I felt this blockage was getting worse but didnt think anything about it.  I had tinnitus in my right ear previous to this for about 2 years.  It wasnt something I even noticed because it only happened at work when I was stressed but other than that I never noticed it so I didnt worry too much.  At the end of Dec 2014 I woke up one morning with this terrible noise in my right ear which scared the sh*t out of me.  I was so scared you would not believe it.  I also had this fullness in my right ear as if someone stuffed cotton wool in it.  I thought it would go away but a week later it was still there only this time I had a noise in the centre of my head by my nose, a different static sound.  I was getting more scared by this time.  Then at the beginning of Jan 2015 I had a miscarriage.  The noise however still remained.  I then went for an MRI and CT scan at the end of January 2015, all clear.  I then did blood tests, all clear.  I then went for a CT Angiogram and was told there is a narrow blood vessel at the back of my head on the right side but that they are not sure if this is causing the noise.  I was advised to "just live with it" as they could not put a stent in as there is a huge risk of a stroke.  My doctor then called me in and said that it "could" be tinnitus and there is nothing they can do about it.  I have been depressed since that day.  Its almost 7 months now and I cry so often as I miss my "normal" life when I didn't have this freaking thing !!  I am so suicidal and I don't know what to do.  I almost jumped off the building today where I work but I keep thinking about my son.  If it wasn't for him I would be dead right now.  How do I cope and live with this forever.  What if I live until a 100 years old, OMG, how will I manage with it until I die.  I don't think I can do this.  I am so depressed and yes I saw a psychiatrist and a psychologist and 4 different ENT doctors, GP's, Audiologists etc etc.  I am so sick and tired of doctors, hospitals etc.  My life has been and is still hell for the last 7 months.  I cannot sleep like I used to.  I used to sleep "like dead". Now when I wake up at 3am I cannot get back to sleep like I used to.  To top it all off I moved to a new house in Sept 2014 and I am homesick for my old house as there I was healthy with no tinnitus and happy.  Now I am miserable in a home I hate.  PLEASE PLEASE anyone help me.  What must I do to cope ? 

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  • Posted

    Shabina. I have constant ringing tinnitus in my right ear. It is severe. Sometimes worse at different times. I am going through a particularly bad time now but am feeling more positive about it even though it's always there. You have to go and see your doctor and tell him/her how you feel as you may need something to deal with your anxiety /depression. It will make you stronger. Try and get in touch with other sufferers and talk about it. That will make you feel better. Message me if you like. In time you will habituate , get used to the sounds and learn to dismiss them. But you must face it Shabina. Help is there. But first go back to your doctor and get some medication. That will make you stronger, then you can deal with it positively.

    Best wishes,

    Gareth

    Gareth.

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  • Posted

    Thought I would just say Hi, We are suffering the same probs, sleep was a BIG

    problem, couldn't drop off, for the noise .My GP was helpful though not all of them are understanding. H e gave me a low dose sleeping pill . Sleep at last,

    though I do wake about 4, at least I do get some sleep.

    Something else that was offered , is Stress Management,which, again , I find

    helpful ,you can rant and rave about theT.T or anything else, 

    There really isn't any cure  YET !!!!  and stress really does make it worse, but you

    probably know that. 

    I,m not going to tell you what to do, it's an individual thing, but I do all the things

    I enjoy.

    I know it's awful. and I have no idea how or what set it off,

    Lots of us around on the forums you can chat to,

    Jacqueline

     

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    • Posted

      Hi Jaqueline, nice to hear from you. Yes I agree completely about doing the things that you enjoy. I still play golf and meet up with friends. It's the quiet things such as reading and sitting out on a summer's evening(when we get the weather) that I find difficult. But it is vitally important that we stay positive and somehow try to turn the noises into angels rather than demons. Sleep is a difficult one. I have the radio on all night usually. I try to ration my anxiety and sleep meds so that when I have a really bad "spike" I can turn to them. It's a pity that as yet , apart from CBT, there is little one can do to stop the noises. Hopefully the day is coming nearer when we can control T rather than it control us. Message me any time you want to talk.

      Best wishes ....stay strong.

      Gareth    x

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    • Posted

      Thanks Jacqueline for your comment. 

      Nice to know I am not alone with this terrible condition.  It also nice to talk to people who knows what you are going through, it helps alot. 

      I wish a cure is found soon though as there are so many people suffering for so many years.  Its not a good life to live like this.  I used to enjoy peace and quiet and I took it for granted.  I never knew what I had until I lost it !   I wish I could turn back the hands of time, if only !!!

      I heard of many stories of many people who committed suicide because of their tinnitus, I know exactly how they feel.  I keep thinking of the easiet and quickest way to die but I just don't have the guts to do it.  I am trying so hard to stay strong for the sake of my son but some days it gets too much to handle.  I am not the same person I was as I used to be so happy, carefree and alive.  Now I am so withdrawn, quiet, irritatable and sad most of the time.  

      I wish I was as strong as you guys on this forum. 

      I guess because I am new to this that is why I am not copying as yet.  I believe only time will tell. 

      Thanks and take care Jacqueline. 

      You can chat to me anytime if you want. 

       

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    • Posted

      Hello Gareth,just a thought that I would run by you .

      Just endured a LOUD  few days, followed by a bout of

      Labrynthitis. and wondered if this has happened to you.?

      Jacqueline 

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  • Posted

    Dear Shabina,  I have also had tinnitutus since last November and the time since then has been extremely difficult for me.  I will write more details tomorrow since it is late where I am, hoping that they will help you.  But in the meantime, if you are reading this tonight, please remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  There are millions and millions of tinnitus sufferers and it is normal to have the feelings that you are feeling, especially at the beginning.  Please don't lose heart.  I am learning to cope in different ways, which I will explain tomorrow.  I would prefer just not to have tinnitus at all, rather than learning to accept it and to habituate to it.  But I read a helpful book recently on Mindfulness, in which there is a chapter on accepting what is the current situation.  This means that you might not be happy or accept that you will have or want to have tinnitus for ever, but that you accept that this is the situation at the moment.  This helps me enormously, because it leaves room for looking for a cure/solution/improvement etc. etc.  Please don't lose hope - because there is always hope.  I'll stop here tonight, but I will write more tomorrow.  Please feel free to ask me for any advice or help.  I frequently try to help people on this forum, hoping to get some comfort out of it myself, but so far no-one has responded.  Take care.  

     

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your response to Shabina Sue. I have been taking a similar approach in my own life, and it's a one-day-at-a-time process. I would rather be free of this condition altogether, but since that's not possible right now, all I can do is try to cope with it and not take over my life. I wish we could all meet in person and share our feelings because then we would know and truly feel that we are not alone.
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    • Posted

      Hi Barbara. I know, it would be great to meet and discuss our individual experiences. Tinnitus is so much an afliction which only the sufferers understand. I wish that the NHS would try to bring this awful condition to a wider medical audience. Knowing that we are not alone is a great comfort and hopefully a cure may be on the horizon. Stay strong. Peace, love and happiness.
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    • Posted

      Hi Sue

      Thank you for your help and support.  So you have just developed Tinnitus recently like me.  It is such a terrible thing to have.  Why hasn't a cure been found yet.  Doctors are so smart and can do such major transplants but they cannot find a cure for this.  It is quite shocking !  I know there are millions of sufferers out there and I pity each and every one of them and I know exactly how they feel.  I often ask myself "God, why me, why now"  I had a perfectly "normal" and healthy life for the last 40 years I am on this earth and why suddenly out of the blue this happens to me.  I blame the pregnancy for causing this as I was told by my doctor that I may have picked up a viral infection when pregnant which caused this problem.  If only I knew that this was going to happen to me !  Life is so unfair !!  Please give me your advice or whatever help you can offer me. I would like to know how you developed your Tinnitus and what you are doing to cope with it and not letting it affect your life.  What does your T sound like and is it loud ?  Do you take any meds to help you and if so what are they.  Thanks once again.  Waiting for your reply. Take Care also. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Shabina, I'm so glad you have written back to me and to the others in this discussion which you started.  I think this is a good sign because, in asking for help, you have taken the first step in trying to help yourself.  I was once told that we have, within ourselves, the solutions to all our problems.  Wise words indeed, which I wish I had taken heed of before the onset of my T.  

      I have such a lot to write that I may have to write it all down in chapters.  I am so glad that the people in this discussion have touched base, because I have read with great interest what you all have to say and have learnt from all of you.  Please give me time to respond to each of you.  I refuse to let my T get the better of me, like I was willing to let it a few short months ago.  I will explain how I reached this state of mind as I describe my story.  

      My problems started in the run up to my menopause (I am now 51), when I began to experience extreme anxiety, hot flushes and panic attacks, particularly at night.  It was after a really intense period of these that I got so desperate and tired with lack of sleep, racing heart and crippling anxiety that I felt I could not function properly anymore.  I knew these symptoms were hormone-related but upto that point I had resisted taking synthetic HRT because of the associated risks.  I was so weak at that point (last October) and desperate for calm that I agreed to take anti-anxiety drugs for a short time to give myself some much-needed sleep.  I took Tranxene (clorazepate), a benzodiazepine, for only 1 day (2 x 5mg pills - one in the morning and one in the evening) before waking up with tinnitus the next morning.  So all I had was one blissful night of anxiety-free sleep before waking with tinnitus the next morning, which I have had ever since until this day, 9 months later.  When I told my GP the next day about the noise and asked her if I should stop, she said she thought I should continue since she thought I needed them!!  Now I know that any doctor worth their title should discontinue any medication which a patient is claiming to cause ototoxicity.  But at the time, I was in such a drugged stupor that I could not think clearly for myself.  After 2 days on these drugs, I finally consented to trying HRT as a long-term solution to addressing my hormonal problems.  On hindsight, I know that the combination of starting these two strong drugs in such close proximity to each other had a very bad effect on my body.  After 4 days taking the anxiolytics, I eventually came to my senses and stopped cold turkey.  That is when my nightmare really started, since after a few days I realised that something was terribly, terribly wrong with my hearing.  We were visiting Paris at the time and I noticed that the sounds of traffic were so loud that I could no longer go anywhere outside and so I spent the rest of our stay in my room.  When we returned home, I began to research frantically what could be happening to me.  I began to read about hyperacusis, an abnormal sensitivity to everday sounds and realised that this is what I had developed, along with the tinnitus.  In addition, HRT did not agree with me at all and made my heart beat so fast I felt like a racehorse.  I was totally traumatised by these events and the effects they had on me and spent the next few weeks in total panic and shock.  I could no longer join my family at the kitchen table for dinner, because the sound of their voices was too loud.  Even the sound of my own voice was too loud!  I couldn't be any where near the kitchen when the table was either being laid or cleared or the dishwasher was being loaded or unloaded, since the chink of china and cutlery was excruciating to my sensitive ears.

      (I will write more tomorrow). 

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    • Posted

      Hi Sue,

      At least you are 51 when you was diagnosed with T.  I was only 40 and just turned 41 in Feb this year.  I feel I am still too young to have such a terrible condition.  I wish this happened later in my life when I was much older. I have a 9 year old son and he sees how much this condition is affecting me.  I feel so bad for him as sometimes I am so distant and sad and he can see it in my face but there is nothing he can do to help me.  I wish life was not so difficult.  Thank you Sue for your story.  I know I am not alone in this.  It really helps.  Looking forward for you to continue with your story.

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    • Posted

      Hi Shabina,

      So sorry, but I have just returned from holidays and I am taking off again in a few days so things are quite hectic.  

      I know how you feel - I have been feeling many of the things you describe too.  But there really is no 'right' time to get tinnitus - I can't imagine anyone being happy about it.  Habituated, perhaps, but not happy.  When I first got T, I was writing a book and was planning to start my own business.  My three kids have all almost flown the nest and I was looking forward to the next chapter in my life, spending more time on myself and with my husband.  Initially I felt that I had been cheated and mourned my lost life and carefree life.  I spent many, many hours researching and reading about T and of course about hyperacusis.  My family said I spent far too much time on the internet, but I say thank God for it because it has opened my eyes to other sufferers and available treatments.  

      What I discovered is that people of all ages get T - even young children.  You're right, it is found most commonly in people aged 55 and above, but more and more young people are getting it too, mainly from noise-related damage, but also from e.g. airbags going off in car crashes.  It is much more common than you think.  On The Hyperacusis Network I read about plenty of young people having allsorts of problems - read some of their stories - they will perhaps put your situation into perspective.  I also discovered that many children in India are given antibiotics which are ototoxic (toxic to the ears) and they end up with tinnitus.  How sad is that?  Many musicians and music  students develop it too.  I even know a 19-year old who developed it after listening to music too loud through his headphones.  His ear rang for 2 months, but then thankfully stopped, but he was left with 80% deafness in that ear.  I have no doubt that later in life his tinnitus will return.  Have a read about patient stories on the BTA (British Tinnnitus Association) website, which is excellent by the way.  So much to read about - I still haven't explored everything myself.  I want to contact them to ask how I can become involved in rasing awareness, raising money or even in helping in research - my training is in microbiology.  Anything I can do to bring us closer to a cure, I will do - if I make it my life mission!!  I thought you might like to read about Trudy, who also developed T while pregnant:

      http://www.tinnitus.org.uk/trudys-story

      Perhaps you can even contact her somehow?  I currently don't live in the UK (Luxembourg), but am planning to move back so that I can get the care/support/treatment I need.

      As I said I am a mother of three and one of my biggest fears is that one of my kids should develop it too - I would find it harder to know that they were suffering than trying to cope with it myself.  For this reason, I suppose I have become a bit of a tinnitus bore, frequently telling them anecdotes and reminding them to wear protection when at concerts, parties etc.  But at least they are now aware of the risks - it seems that many youngsters are not these days.  When I was really low at the beginning of my journey, I felt so sad and vulnerable and I used to ask my husband to hug me and make it all better, to take it away.  If I could 'make it better' for all of you out there, I would - that's what mum's are supposed to do, right?  So, here's a big cyber hug from Luxembourg to S. Africa to show you that someone knows what you are going through and to tell you that you can get through this - if I can then I know you can too.  My husband has suffered from tinnitus for more than 10 years and for me this has been both a blessing and a curse (more on that tomorrow).  But this thought has kept me going through many tough times: 'If he can bear it, then I can too'.  The answer is in knowing that you can cope and through gaining confidence from that knowledge.

      Take care for now.  (More tomorrow)

       

       

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    • Posted

      Hi Sue,

      Thank you for the big cyber hug and here is one from me to you also.  I am tearing right now cos you understand what I am going through.  My husband does not understand.  He just says to get "used to it" like all the doctors.  Not so easy for me right now but I am trying for the sake of my son.  I cry constantly these days and wish I could undo what has been done.  My pregnancy caused this and if only I knew this was going to happen I would have had my tubes tied a long time ago.  I was silly not to do this considering I didn't want more kids after my son was born.  I read Trudy's story.  She sounds just like me.  If only I read her story before I fell pregnant as I was scared when I found out about the pregnancy and wondered if my (T) was going to get worse during the pregnancy or whether I will now have it in both my ears.  I had (T) before the pregnancy but it was only something that occurred when stressed at work.  It was something that did not bother me.  Now it sounds like there is a plane about to take off in my head but never does.  It can be deafening and scary at times.  Thank you Sue for your support and thank you for telling your story.  It helps a lot to hear from people in the same boat.  You are so strong and I admire that.  I wish I could be more like you and not let it bother me so much but I keep thinking of my "perfect life" before (T) and now it is gone forever and there is nothing I can do to get it back.  Waiting to hear more of your story, take care.

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    • Posted

      Thanks Sue,

      Thanks for your advice and story, I really appreciate it. 

      I can relate to what you are saying especially the part of where you say :-

      "I too, like you, spent months going over and over the events which led upto the onset of my T" and also 'Why me?' - "If only I hadn't done this or I had done that".  I keep thinking these things over and over in my head.  You are right I need to STOP it and move forward.  I will try my best to do so. 

      Waiting to hear about treatments and coping strategies. 

      Let me know how you deal with sleep also.  Does it bother you much at night.  Do you use sound machines, white noise etc. or do you take sleeping pills?

      Thanks, take care also Sue.

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    • Posted

      I read your story and this has helped me somewhat. Thank you and I hope you are feeling better. I hope I get better soon too.
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    • Posted

      Hi Sue, somehow your messages are being deleted by the moderator.  Not sure why.  Is there any other way we can chat to each other ?

       

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    • Posted

      h im peter ive had it all my life very hard to live im asinger entertainer  my only escape   when imnot on stage i find it really especially when im at work i work in retail   i find it hard everyone is talking at once   its hard to focus   sometimes  i wish i could have peace   it doent affet my singing i still get perfect pitch      its hard to sleep   i just wish it would go away i hate it   somtimes   i just wish everything would end go tomyspecialplace
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