Tiny Tears

Thanks Melbi. I have to get throo today...hopefully my moods will subside. But thanks Melbi! You sound like a very caring person. Take care, Tiny Tears.

Try and think positive thoughts, focus on your better days when your mood isn't as low. We are all really good at focusing all our time and energy to our down moods but rarely remember our good moods.

Good luck & go easy on yourself.

Melbi x

I feel so bad for logging into this site and bad mouthing my partner now. IIn a way its a form of abuse, in its self....is it not???? Feel horrible....lonely, hurt, I just want to cry.....I do not think its possible to plant my brain in another body....though thats what I would like most of all!!!!!

Though, thanks to people like you and Mrs J , I know I am not the only one.....and that there are friendly, non violent, gentle, kind hearted people to be met. This helps......it does not take any of it away....I will always be fearful ...it does not really matter what you look like, or what you have done...nobody deserves to be a victim....do they? Once a victim...always a vulnerable victim? It will never stop!

Favourite music at the mo is atonement.Take care, luv Tiny Tears.

Katy

Everyone is perfect. It take a long time for a body to make one of those little creases in your face.

Everyone has something and maybe more than the one thing, they are not happy with. I would like to be slimmer, have a flat tummy, get read of those bat wings and not do anything to get it.

I'd like to have my knees fixed so they stop hurting.

I'd like to be able to look at my face in the mirror and see something pretty about it.

So are these anything you would think?

You have to look at the little bits. The fasinating colours in your eyes. the was your lips curl at the corners when you smile. The way those little creases form when you frown. There is so much more than the whole situation. Try dividing it into different boxes and see how good things are. 1)Your partner is standing by you. 2)Your mum loves you. 3) you have 2 fantastic daughters, 4)You life in country where you're not beaten or shot at. Need I go on!!!!!!

You are a wonderful, kind, caring person cos you have love in your heart and all you want to be able to do is go out and help someone.

We deserve more people like you in this world.

Take care sweetpea

Julie xxxxx

[quote:092193b5e5=\"Tiny Tears\"]I feel so bad for logging into this site and bad mouthing my partner now. IIn a way its a form of abuse, in its self....is it not???? Feel horrible....lonely, hurt, I just want to cry.....I do not think its possible to plant my brain in another body....though thats what I would like most of all!!!!!

[color=darkred:092193b5e5][b:092193b5e5]Self pity Tinytears - we are ALL guilty of it! It is the most soul destroying feeling ever to exist, that along with feeling guilty![/b:092193b5e5][/color:092193b5e5]

Though, thanks to people like you and Mrs J , I know I am not the only one.....and that there are friendly, non violent, gentle, kind hearted people to be met. This helps......it does not take any of it away....I will always be fearful ...it does not really matter what you look like, or what you have done...nobody deserves to be a victim....do they? Once a victim...always a vulnerable victim? It will never stop!

[color=darkred:092193b5e5][b:092193b5e5]No you aren't the only one hun. I am not as bad as you are right now. I have been though and I know I hit absolute rock bottom the day they admitted me to that ward. I felt a failure, but also relief, I had finally allowed someone else to do my worrying for me, someone else to take responsibilty for me, all I had to do was listen to their advice and do my best to follow what they were saying. Was tough going, no one can deny that, and yes I had more days of 'failing' than success at the beginning. Slowly, over a 6 week period, I started to defend for myself, I started taking charge of my own life, my own feelings. It wasn't all sunshine and roses when I left the ward, that was the scariest thing ever, I knew I'd be back on this planet - alone. Of course I wasn't really alone, it just felt like that to me.

Now 16/17 years further along that road, I recognise that my feelings are not what they should be. I feel the darkness creeping back up on me. What did I do?

Well I wasn't going to allow myself to be dragged back into that very long, dark tunnel, not again, I couldn't handle that again. Instead I made an appointment to see my GP. Poured my whole life story out, shed a few tears and voiced my worries of returning back into that self pitying, depressive again.

Hence why I am now on Citalopram! It isn't easy, but I have an advantage over many others as in I have been there and escaped it's darkness. I survived then, I will survive now.

I will not allow self pity and depression to ruin my life - not ever!

Yes, I am experiencing quite a few days of self pity, struggling to get out of bed, wash afew pots, even run a bath and relax.

Last week I took all 6 of my remaining diazepam that doctor had prescribed. You see having taken an overdose once, doctors are very reluctant to prescribe any amount of tablets. I didn't take them to kill myself, the doctor made sure I didn't have enough to do that. Just enough to knock me out for one night! That is all I wanted, one night of peaceful sleep, no nightmares, no waking in night stiff and aching because I have fallen asleep all tensed up.

So yes, we all have those bad days, we all fall deeper into that tunnel and each time we do fall in, it takes a little bit more effort to crawl back out again.

Be strong, take it by it's horns and refuse to be taken in by it.

Depression is the most evil and hardest illness to overcome. You can and you will overcome it, I did, so can you.

Try and visualise it has a demon (afterall it is one) fight the ******* and don't allow it to eat away at you.[/b:092193b5e5][/color:092193b5e5]

Favourite music at the mo is atonement.Take care, luv Tiny Tears.[/quote:092193b5e5]

[color=darkred:092193b5e5][b:092193b5e5]My favourite music at the moment is Enya, it helps me relax.[/b:092193b5e5][/color:092193b5e5]

Melbi x

:? :? Mrs J...thank you....I hate my body, I hate my big bum and fat belly, and oh look...here comes a double chin!!!! No...what I hate though, is the fact that people take advantage, then thats when I crumble!!!!

Mrs J, he he .....how do you know I have nice eyes? :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sorry, my dad just cheered me up....

last night......

\"Are you coming over to my hoose, for a wee?\"

Dad says....\"No, ive just bee, thank you very much\".

His friend says \"Duh!....Nintendo Wii\"!!!!!

Oh..... Isuppose I should get up!!!

But thank you Mrs J, I am just going to throw the mirrors out...then I want get so upset at myself!!!

Why am I finding it so hard to go outside? I cant believe I am torturing myself for something that happened to me over 9 yrs ago!!! :oops: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Melbi...thank you to. I think I am okay. Dad phoned, cheered me up a bit! But even though I cac crack a joke or 2, its like eating a bar of chocolate, your high, and then you crash land!! I am not going to go outside today....I am just about getting the energy to open my curtains. Sometimes I get scared doing this!! Other times I dont think about it. Melbi, take care, thank you for helping me. I hope you also get better. I just slip inot spirals over and over...yesterday could not stop crying and shaking in the street and I had no reason for it!!! I am sick of feeling afraid...I dont really know why I am afraid,,.

The news is not helping me either at the moment. I cant watch that report about the man that murdered those 5 girls...I just cant! Though I want to know!!! It just makes me physically want to throw up! :cry: :cry: :cry:

katy,,,NOOOOOOOO don't throw the mirror out, How would you put your make up on?

Your dad sounds funny.

The double chin is another thing i have and i want to get read of.

Try not to think of whats happened in the past, just learn by it, I know you can't forget cos I'm like you, things happen and you think its going to be as bad as before but instead you need to think of how you could of made it easier for yourself then and do it if you think its going to happen again. Hope that makes sense. It did to me when I wrote it.

Don't forget deep breath and let it out slowly.

I said let it out slowly. Stop cheating.

There now do you feel better?

I still feel strange about going out on my own. I have to force myself. Anyway its cold out there. Who wants to go out in the weather.

Julie xx

Yes...I know exactly what you mean.

Dont breath in and hold it forever.......

I hate the wind. High winds are scary!!!! I always think its like someone is about to push you over!!! Mrs J, and Melbi, my tummy is at it again, washing machine syndrome...thats what I am calling it....anyway...thank you both, take care!

My arms feel heavy now and muscle tension sore. Sweating, I want to go back to my bed. Ate rubbish...I want to throw it up!!! :roll:

I am back in bed :oops:

Tried to take the Citalopram this morning rather than evening as I havent had any sleep in I don't know how long.

Now I have a severe case of paranoia (least I hope it's paranoia and not true)

Cancelled a friend from coming round this evening because I feel 'angry'?

More p****** off than angry and really can't be bothered with trying to be pleasant and make general chit chat.

Sod 'em and sod the world for now! I'm alright tucked away in my bed playing online games and watching TV.

Right now I don't particularly care what family and friends think of me, as long as I am okay.

Stuff work too! I was feeling guilty yesterday for being signed off sick (see what I mean) we either feel guilty, self pity, or doing something just to please others.

Well sorry world - right now I'm not in the mood for socialising, I can't be bothered with the worries and stresses of work so I'm staying right here in my bed!

Rant over!

Keep going Tiny Tears, tomorrow is another day and today will be long gone!

Melbi x

Melbi. sorry you are feeling this way. But yes, trying to please others....is one of my biggest pitfalls...if I think I have upset anyone or hurt anyones feelings...dont start on the self loathing and the guilt trip...just dont go there, then dissapointment...followed by self pity.

Some body has sent me emails, I cant access them for some reason.

I am now getting great enjoyment from picking my scabby knees!!! Hope you get well soon, Mebi, take care, Tiny Tears.

Dare I ask how you got those scabby knees?

I'm playing Alchemy - I detest the game - must be punishing myself!

I know it's the tablets making me feel this way (hoping it's the tablets)

Took it out on a pile of vegetables as I peeled and chopped them.

Weird thing is with these mood swings is it can take the tiniest thing to knock you over but a hell of a lot more to pull you back up.

Roll on bedtime. Daughter has picked some Kalm sleep tablets up for me today, fingers crossed taking the citalopram this morning and taking the kalms tonight I might get a few hours sleep.

Tomorrow we don't worry about anyone else - just ourselves! :D

:x Watch your fingers chopping thise vegetables!!!!!

I know what you mean about these mood swings. Its like a loose tooth, dangling on a nerve, thats going to pop out at any given moment. Grr that comment made my mouth itchy!!! :lol:

Hey Tiny Tears, you sound a lot better than when I first read your posts! I think having someone to \"bounce off\" and finding others are in the same position really, really helps. This site is wonderful, I haven't found another like it. Throw something else into your general mix - I think you also have a touch of the SADS, the winter blues thing. I've had it for years, take Dosulepin for it, at least it makes you sleep, anyway. On bad nights I also take x 2 Lloyds Chemist Sleep Easy tabs, they work better than Kalms (I think they're like Nytol but stronger.) Can't get up in the mornings, can't sleep at night. Have found myself on this site at 3am frequently. Quite a few are also on, like Dr Spock (he's wonderful!)

Anyway, keep improving, some days are better, some are just crap, but you're going the right way. Take care. :smooch: