Tired of fighting myself

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I have had depression and anxiety on and off for as long as I can remember (I am 41 yrs) and I am so tired and worn out of the constant battle with myself just to try and feel normal. There are things that I can't talk about with family or friends and I just feel so alone. I often feel Worthless, pathetic and no good at anything but I don't want to be this way anymore. I took my first overdose at 18 and then again 3 years ago and I often have feelings of not wanting to be here anymore but then I get scared as I have to children (age 21 and 17) and I can't leave them. I have been a single parent for 14 years and this often contributes to the day to day loneliness that I feel but I have no want to meet anyone and start a relationship. I was recently signed off work for 4 weeks as I didn't want to leave my house or speak to anyone and on returning to work I found myself hiding in the toilets and crying like a child....I just feel so stupid! I was referred a couple years ago for CBT but it didn't last as I missed 2 appointments. I was at the time diagnosed with BPD and APD. I am fed up of my GP continuously giving me more tablets (to collect just in case I feel like taking another overdose) and telling me that I will get there in the end! NO I WON'T BECAUSE THESE THOUGHTS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE WITH ME!! I'm sorry to shout but I just can't see a change happening at all.

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    First deal with how you react to situations and events. You have reactions to things that are extreme. Because you FEEL bad inside. This is caused but hurt caused by how you respond to people and life. We are all different. At some point you need to grow into an acceptance of WHO you are. Crying is good because it helps you digest all the frustations and buried pain you feel. Crying at work not so good. as you are under contract of employment. Being on the sick with a doctors note is better. Getting help from a fiend who knows and accepts you is good. Next best thing is mental health services and regular consultations and learning to challenge your own thoughts and behaviours. Pills cant stop the pain and anger you feel and the suicidal thoughts they just stabalise you. You must confront them yourself. Your experince of life is yours and the more sensitive we are the more we have to mange how we cope with life. Yes at the moment the thoughts may stay with you but you dont have to act on them. Regardless of how you see this you dont have to kill yourself. Its simply your bodys reaction to emotional pain.

    Try to see this problem for what it is. However strong and powerful feelings and thinking is that cant kill you unless you act on it.  

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    • Posted

      I cant accept that this is who I am as it's not who I want to be. I feel at the moment that my thoughts are always going to stay with me. My head is like a whirlwind of thoughts and situations going round and round and round and I can't get it to stop! I thank you for understanding that the pills won't take away how I feel. I have said this many times to my GP but he continues to give them to me. Why is he not listening to me? I don't want to live on pills anymore, I just want someone to talk to!

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  • Posted

    Hi nadine xx sad to read yr so unhappy xx i felt the same again!!! Just a few mths ag now feeling much better . Xx its annoying to hear yr going to get better from drs i know ! x u will but u know like me it will prob come back like a bolt out of the blue. x wen we have kids its a lot more pressure as we cant end it. We would leave them feeling as we do now & that thoughts just too painful. So i totally understand how yr feeling. Youre putting yrself down when its youre illness causing the crying & not wanting to go out etc. Ur not an idiot ur ill.. i was diagnosed with bpd along with severe depression & general anxiety disorder so i know i may always have it. Try cbt again hun. Im awaiting it now. Maybe 3rd time lucky... i never bothered before properly. But @ 43 gotta give anything a try. Dont be so hard on yourself xx youre talking about it now thats step one to getting better xx

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    • Posted

      Aw thanku xx i hope u can get into some type of therapy also to help with ur negative thoughts. My ex was a little similar and diagnosed with ocd and a.d didnt help him either in his case xx in some ppl they just dont work. Or maybe u need talking therapies and meds together?? Xxx
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  • Posted

    First of all, please don't do anything drastic. You obviously Iove your children as you stated you can't leave them. You also have a lot of life ahead of you and you have every right to enjoy it and be happy. As a single parent you probably spent most of your life caring for your family and not having much time for yourself. Niw your kids are old enough not to require supervision, you should have time to do things you like and make you happy. Even if you 

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  • Posted

    Sorry, I hit send by accident. As I was saying, even if you don't want a relationship you should still be able to enjoy a social life. You said you referred for CBT. Have you ever been referred to a psychiatrist? You should find tell everything to a health care professional who will listen and find the right treatment for you, not just give you more tablets that don't seem to be helping you. This site is also a great place to talk about how you feel. We all undersand depression in all its ugly forms and no one will judge you. There really is hell out there. I was diagnosed with treatment resistant MDD with psychosis in 2015, and I was convinced nothing would ever be alright again. I was referred to a psychiatrist who found the meds that work for me. Since July 2015 I have my life back and I'm happy. I had to be forced by my family to get the hepl I needed and it literally saved my life. I know it's hard to find the motivation to do anything, but please don't give up. Keep in touch on here. People do care.

    Take care,

    Phyllis

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    • Posted

      Every day i wake and wonder why i am still here, the thoughts that im not the person i was before depression hit three years ago. I have not felt able to join my friends and do activities for so long.  Like you tried.so many anti deps but they make me feel so ill.  Can you tell,me what your dr has come up,with to help you out of this hole?
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    • Posted

      Hi Phyllis, thank you for 'hearing' me. Yes, my children are my life but sometimes I feel like they would be better off without me as I'm no good. I'm not a role model to them. I sit here and do nothing instead of getting myself to work each day. I have lost so many friends by not keeping in contact with them and turning them down as I don't want to leave the house to go out with them. The only social life I have is meeting men for sex. I'm not worth being in a relationship with! I just want someone to tell me itsomething not my fault but there's no one to talk to! No I have never been referred to a psychiatrist. I am very happy for you that you have managed to get your life back on track. Take care Phyllis x

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  • Posted

    I meant to say there really is "help" out there. Hang in there. You might find another voice that can drown out the negative thoughts.

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  • Posted

    Oh it's a horrible struggle to wake up and deal with the day ahead . I feel for you .as I'm the same it's my kids and grandkids that keep me here. I also hate going out side the house .i have to go back to the doc next week I get so worked up I get to scared to say what I need I feel intimidated..Iv had three different med in 6 months . Iv been on the valdoxan 7 days now still feel empty and sad I also take seregoul & 5mg of Valium. And a lot of heart medicine. I'm 56 and been depressed for 30 years and took over dose about 25 years ago was just ur on a lot of meds and Xanax I liked Xanax but I live in Australia and they want give them here now I wish they would as it did help more than Valium..

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    • Posted

      Hi libby. Sorry to hear you have suffered so many yrs too. X its awful .. terrible trying to get anything here in the uk for anxiety too. They give diazepam not great only like 7 tablets when yr at the worst u can be! So i get what u mean. Drives me crazy.! Hope next week goes ok with the dr. My appt is in the morning. Ive began to turn a corner after 4/5 mths so doubt much will happen tomoz xx take care ♡♡
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    • Posted

      Hi ann. The small amount of diazepam & my prozac being highered over 12 weeks helped i think xx i slso got magnesium, vitamin b6 & vit d & omega3 all which play a role in depression. I definately feel they have helped in my case. Went for my check up with the gp this morn she said i sounded a little flat. & still wants me to be eating more as ive lost 18lb since nov. Im lovin the slender new size but wish i didnt have to go thru this to get there. Now in my case ann wats helped me prob i wouldnt advise.... its definately helped me get well icluding the above! I see less people who where just a drain on my life emotionally like leeches never giving anything back in return wen the chips were down i found only a few quality ppl still standing. I am so much happier for it. I hate saying no & love to keep everyone happy all of the time. A trait learnt to survive my childhood & i suddenly realised it had to stop. I was becoming ill. I had to be well for my daughter so she comes first. So ive isolated myself which they say not to do. But ive felt so much peace in my own company & less worried than ever before so thats just personally. Hope any of the above will help u. Xxx all the best ann big hugs. P.s depending where u live local councils & libraries run wellness & mindfullness courses usually free that can include accupuncture & meditation they say is good. Ive had a.puncture once last week and as a chronic insomniac i slept like a baby ;0) x

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