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Told him & it will never be the same

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Koolredd
Koolredd

Told about my boyfriend about my herpes diagnosis last night after he went to the topic about it. I think he is still in shock more then anything .. The fact that I had relations with a girl & contracted it from a girl doesn't sit right with him ... More so it hurt my feelings that he took what I said as a joke .. He is mad because I won't tell him how it lead to us having / doing sexual things since she is suppose to be my friend and is someone I've known since 9th grade ... He wants the full details and I don't know how to tell him all that . Just confessing that I was positive with HPV 2 was a huge challenge for me ..

He kept telling me that we could no longer have sex because "im burned" and "I got that Pack" that hurt my feelings to the core out of everyone I figured he would be the most supportive heck I would've been better off talking/ telling my daddy before I told him .. And the fact that he feels he has to tell at least one person about this blows my mind this is something personal and if I wanted everyone or anyone to know I would tell them myself. It hasn't even been a month since I found out my diagnosis all of it is new to me and he doesn't seem to get that .

I can honestly say things will never be the same between us , I keep telling him to be honest and asking him what he wants to do ., I think it's the fact that he / we are so use to each other's presence that we don't know how to live without each other the attachment is so strong .

But I don't think he can handle this type of information in the long run ...

And because of this viral disease I don't see myself in the dating scene anytime soon .

Venting was much needed .

0 likes, 22 replies

22 Replies

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  • amy07772
    amy07772 Koolredd

    Posted

    I understand where you are coming from. I was diagnosed with HSV-1 genitals 3 months ago. I met this perfect guy and waited to tell him until I knew there was a connection. There was a big connection. My ex actually told him before hoping that it would scare him off so he took it as I lied and that I wasn't going to tell him. This isn't something you just blurt out and you have to gain some trust to tell them. His reaction was pretty bad. We didn't talk for two days and my ex texted him again and we started talking. We have been "dating" for almost three months and things aren't the same. He always brings it up when we are together. He tells me how things would be so much different if I wasn't stupid at that time and caught what I did. I researched it and we can still have a healthy relationship but he doesn't see how that could be. He doesn't have anything. Things will never be the same with him but we just can't stay away from each other. He tells me he wishes he could make the feelings go away and never talk to me again but he can't. My ex also went around telling everyone. I don't want anyone to know. He spreads all of these lies saying I gave it to him when I didn't. He even would send pictures of the meds that I was taking for my outbreak to the guy I'm dating. If things don't work out between the guy I'm with now I don't see me going through this pain ever again. It has made me want to die. People just don't understand how hard it is for us to deal with especially since we are the ones that have to live with it. Yes they will be shocked but for them to say the hurtful things and treat us the way they do doesn't help anything. I wish I could say it gets better. People tell me that it does but everytime I feel there is hope it just gets smashed. Of all the research that I have done and told him it doesn't seem to matter. But yet he tells me he is still there and still taking the chance. He refers to us as playing Russian roulette. I know how you feel so I can't and won't say that your boyfriend isn't the one for you and you will find someone that is willing to accept you for you because you don't want anyone else you want that person. I get that. That's why I am trying so hard with this guy. He is my fairy tale come true. He could be the one I spend the rest of my life with. That's how strong our feelings are. We just can't seem to get passed the virus. All I can say is give him some time he is still in shock as I'm sure you are. He's probably hurt as well so try not to take what he says personally even though I know you won't beable to. He's just talking out of shock and being scared. It's not something small that you told him. This is what I tell myself anyway. I'm sorry I can't be more help and tell you all of the things you want to hear but I know I wouldn't want to hear the good things. I'm more realistic.
    • Koolredd
      Koolredd amy07772

      Posted

      Thank you for replying !

      I seem to be going through some similar stuff ..,

      How do you and your current boyfriend have sex ?

      How often ?

      My boyfriend says he doesn't want to have sex with me he tells me I have the package and I just don't think that he can deal with it . And I tell him that me and him need a break to see how things work out and he Says I need to stop thinking for him ..

      I don't want people to know my business . I really wanna be with him but I don't think it's going to work out with him constantly bringing it up and throwing it in my face .. We will never get anywhere .

      Who diagnosed you with hsv 1 ? Any new breakouts ?

    • amy07772
      amy07772 Koolredd

      Posted

      He's my my boyfriend yet. He is trying to figure out a healthy way for us to be together. So we are friends who like each other. We had sex one time if you could call it that. We used a condom and he only put the tip in but it was awkward and I could tell he was nervous so I stopped it. Haven't done it since. He wants to but he's afraid. He says I don't understand his perspective but I told him my worries are the same. I don't want to give it to him. We are still a work in progress but working on it is the key. I don't know if it will work out but as long as he is trying so will I.

      Tell your boyfriend while on your break that he should do some research. With the type I have they don't have much research on it. It doesn't seem as bad as the other types. I have oral on the genitals and it has way less outbreaks and shedding because the virus doesn't survive well down there. But he's afraid to kiss me even though it doesn't spread to my mouth. Just tell your boyfriend to keep talking with you. Give him a few days to digest it so let him be for a few days that seemed to work with my guy. It's a lot. I'm really hoping that it works out for you.

      I don't want everyone knowing my business either. I'm so ashamed of it and don't want people to look at me differently because of it. I feel it's not their business to tell. Especially my ex doesn't have it he was tested to be sure so he has no place. To me it should be illegal for him to do it because dr offices can't go around telling your business so why should he beable to.

      My OGBYN diagnosed me back in October. I had tests done for it. I only have had the first initial outbreak. My dr said I shouldn't have anymore maybe one but my specific "kind of virus" is the "best one" to have he says. You don't shed as much if at all after the first few months after the initial outbreak. Also it makes it harder to pass on to males. The percentage was .5-1% but that's during an outbreak and without Taking suppressive therapy which he said I won't need. Also without using condoms so it's even lower to no risk with a condom. My friend that I like wants to beable to go raw sometimes and feels that he won't beable to ever. He sometimes thinks that by touching my hand he will get it. No matter what I told him after asking my dr the questions he has he still doesn't believe it I don't think. But he says because I lied about it from the beginning it changed everything. In my eyes I didn't lie but he sees it as that way so I accept it as that.

    • Koolredd
      Koolredd amy07772

      Posted

      Yes ! The hsv 1 is the most simple type . Type two can get very complicated and my outbreak was horriiiiiible ! So much pain I was in I want to be able to take suppressive medicine but I want to wait it out and see how things go before I get on it .

      My boyfriend doesn't even want to have sex with me anymore. He won't even kiss me anymore or nothing . I want to give him plenty of space .. More like breaking up . But he swears that I will be back . Before this happen I was a sex fanatic , we were sex fanatics together

    • Koolredd
      Koolredd amy07772

      Posted

      And it's scary to think that I can't and won't have a sex life because of this disease I didn't even get to ask questions when the doctor gave me the results she seemed rather disgusted and un interested in me and I was to scared in shock and indenial to ask questions now that's all I have . It's crazy I don't know how to handle this but I'm handling it and I'm so young I have no one to talk to about it

      I seriously just wanna say FOrget it ,

      Do you know who diagnosed you with it ? We're you emotional when you first found out ?

      I know you can get type one on the genitals by getting oral sex by someone with type one .. You seem very confident with everything tho and that's good !

    • Ashley7798
      Ashley7798 Koolredd

      Posted

      That relationship doesn't sound health sound like he feels like he has to be w/ u wen we where talkin in my group i didnt know it was like that. I think maybe it is best for u guys to break it off. Sounds like your both stressing esch other out & more stress is more breakouts.
    • amy07772
      amy07772 Koolredd

      Posted

      I was very emotional later on in the day that I found out. When my dr told me what it looked like before the results came back I was just in shock. He explained how my life will change. But didn't go in to too much detail at that time. I was caught off guard and didn't ask anything at first. I've been going to him for years so he knows how I get. I have bad anxiety so he's really good at not scaring me. He didn't have any judgements and didn't make me feel any less of a person. I do that to myself and my ex did that for me as well. I thought it was just ingrown hairs because I shave down there and had just shaved the day before I started feeling symptoms. I even had my ex look and I even looked up std on the Internet because I just freaked out and was so scared. My dr name is Gandell. He's the one that diagnosed me with it and if you were in New York I would highly recommend him to you. He is also recommending me to a specialist that knows more about the virus and that can give me more time to go over what the changes in my life need to be and answer any and all questions I have with statistics. He's been really awesome.

      I'm not really that confident. I sometimes feel good about the information that I was given but then when I told the guy I'm seeing about it he still doesn't believe it. So that makes me feel bad. It puts it in to perspective I guess in a way. All though we hung out yesterday and he said I was his girlfriend and told his friends that his girlfriend was there to go out to dinner. I know he wishes things were different but I love the fact that he is still trying. He says that by him being with me just guarantees that he will get it and that is what he struggles with. He pictures himself having it and I think that is the biggest thing for him. I don't want to give it to him but I hate to believe that the only people I could be in a relationship with are people that have this virus.

      Sex won't be the same. Your mindset is just different now. I am out of a 13 year relationship and was never really interested in sex with him mainly because I wasn't interested in him stayed for my kids but anyway with this new guy I really want to. We have tried twice but he just feels disconnected so I stop it and told him we won't do it again until he can be there in his mind and enjoy it. He says he enjoys it but doesn't know if he will ever feel comfortable.

      With your guy I say you both need a little break. By him saying that he knows you will be back makes me believe that he doesn't really want it to end. So you both need to take a few days and he needs to research and think about this. You need to research it and get in a good mind set as well. Take this time because you have so many emotions going through you right now that honestly you can't focus on him at this time. Yes it would be nice if he could be there and help you with it but realistically probably won't happen. There are few that would. Nothing against him but I know he's going through a lot mentally and emotionally along with you. So give it time and you never know he may come around.

      But you will have a sex life again. Not for awhile and you need to be mentally and emotionally prepared for it. If you feel uncomfortable so will they when the time comes. Just focus on you. This is a lot and it takes its toll on you. It's not being selfish to take time for yourself and that is what I should have done. It's better to face it head on. I was in denial for awhile.

  • tara69187
    tara69187 Koolredd

    Posted

    Hi Hun, I'm so sorry that your boyfriend has reacted this way. I think in all honestly if someone truly loves you they will support you no matter what.

    I am also new to this, I haven't got a boyfriend but I have started seeing someone. I dread the day when I have to tell him. But this will be a big test and will prove if he is supportive and actually likes me for me.

    Don't let anyone make you feel burnt, herpes only spreads when outbreaks occur. So chances are he may not have it. There are millions of couples out there who have to go through this, in fact 80% have it!! That's big! So maybe your boyfriend needs to be educated on the topic, it could be worse.

    Just remember you aren't different your still the same beautiful person! Just with an added hiccup, that yes sadly won't go away however can be controlled.

    Keep smiling!!

    • Koolredd
      Koolredd tara69187

      Posted

      Thank you for your reply hun. ! It's greatly appreciated.

      How long have you and your friend been talking / dating ?

      How long have had herpes ? What type ?

      I can say that your words are wisdom , and I appreciate it

    • tara69187
      tara69187 Koolredd

      Posted

      That's ok, I know how it feels! And speaking to others with herpes helped me come to terms with it!

      We've been speaking about a month and dating maybe 3 weeks, we have slept together but I don't have any outbreaks at the moment (so he can't catch it - I wouldn't put him at risk) and I have used protection.

      I got told I have herpes a week ago official but was advised by the clinic I more than likely have it 5 weeks ago when I had my first break out. I got told I got herpes type one but on the genitals.

      I've only had one out break so far which lasted a week and a half (that was 5 weeks ago) - luckily I haven't had to take an medication yet, but I have it ready. I have been taking a lot of natural remedies to try and prevent outbreaks which I personally think has helped me. Every body works differently.

      Best thing is to try and keep positive, it is hard, it definitely helps to talk to people going through the same thing.

    • Ashley7798
      Ashley7798 tara69187

      Posted

      What type of remedies my doctors didnt tell me anything i was diognosed monday & they just sent me to pick up a perspecristion. Ive been takin it since monday i still dont feel good & im scared to touch down there. & i have a old flame who's coming into to town to spend new years w/ me we've never had sex but he's talking about building a relationship w/ me how do i tell him this & when do i know if its ok to have sex or not
    • tara69187
      tara69187 Ashley7798

      Posted

      Hi Hun I'm taking oregano herbal pills from holland and barrats! And I'm eating and drinking vitamin c. I think this helped to clear my outbreak quicker. Also used thrush cream, done no harm anyway. No harm in trying. Everyone works differently but like said can't hurt to try.

      Try keep positive it's hard I know but remember you can't pass it on unless you have an outbreak.

    • FelizCastus
      FelizCastus tara69187

      Posted

      Actually, you can still pass it on via asymptomatic shedding. Up to 70% of new infections are acquired that way. Outbreaks just increase the odds that it will pass, as there is even more viral shedding at such times.
    • FelizCastus
      FelizCastus

      Posted

      P.S. Having said that, genital Type 1 sheds much less than genital Type 2.
    • FelizCastus
      FelizCastus Koolredd

      Posted

      Do you mean acquiring oral HSV-2? If so, yes, but it is uncommon, as Type 2 strongly prefers the genitals. Even if someone is unlucky enough to get oral HSV-2, it rarely ever outbreaks or sheds, so is not nearly as problematic or infectious as any other HSV infection. Most infectious are, in order, genital HSV-2, oral HSV-1- genital HSV-1, oral HSV-2. Those with genital HSV-2 can thus still receive oral sex, but care should obviously be taken (avoiding outbreaks and any sense that something that's going on down there, preferably taking meds, etc.)
    • tara69187
      tara69187 FelizCastus

      Posted

      When I was told I had herpes type one I was told I was ok unless I had an outbreak ... I hope this was true ..
    • FelizCastus
      FelizCastus tara69187

      Posted

      Because genital HSV-1 sheds much less, it is not nearly as infectious as genital HSV-2, but shedding can still sometimes occur at random and without symptoms. About 5% of days versus 15-25% of days for genital Type 2. So mostly correct, but not entirely.
    • Koolredd
      Koolredd FelizCastus

      Posted

      i was more so wondering if someone has genital herpes type 2, can they still receive oral sex also ? or is that a major risk ?

      ​when taking suppressive medicine will that help alot ?

    • Ashley7798
      Ashley7798 tara69187

      Posted

      Thank u im going to try it. I just went thru some stuff 2 years ago which had to make me take meds for a while , im all for anything thats not taking pills daily. I think that will just make me more depressed about the whole thing.
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