Too ill for a wedding

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Hello everyone, in just over 2 weeks time my daughter is getting married and presently I'm having a big relapse and feeling really poorly. That would pose a problem even if she was getting married nearby but I probably would be able to try my very best to be there even if it was only for the ceremony, however she's getting married 4 hours drive away. I have damaged nerves causing neuropathy in my pelvis and travelling is very difficult and painful. Like most of us on this forum, I'm in pain all the time and coupling that with all the horrible symptoms of M.E. I really don't think I can be there. At first I thought maybe if I travelled up a couple of days before the wedding thereby giving myself time to rest and maybe recover enough, so I booked the room. But since then I've relapsed really badly, with cluster migraines, trimengial pain, IBS and those strange symptoms I call 'brain zaps' where it feels like something does a shock inside my head for a second,but over and over. I'm really feeling that even if I could manage to withstand the journey, I then have the wedding excitement and all the talking and walking about and socialising and I just think it will all be too much for me I feel too poorly. The trouble is, even though my family are sympathetic and do try their best to understand, I feel like I'm having to prove that I'm too ill. I feel really heartbroken, guilty, and sad not to be able to just function even in special circumstances like these! This illness really is the pits!

Has anyone else had to miss such an important celebration? I'd really appreciate to know....I feel like I'm committing a heinous crime. Please help if you can, any pointers would be a comfort.

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  • Posted

    I had to miss my best friend's daughter's wedding. I know this is not like missing your own daughter's wedding, but I still felt bad. One thing that helped me is that someone did a video of the entire wedding, including pre-wedding preparation, and the celebration afterwards. This video allowed me to see what exactly went on, even though seeing everyone else having a good time was bittersweet. Will you daughter be able to do this for you? I think that what's been even worse for me, is not being able to visit with my 94-year-old mother, who lives 3 hours away. I haven't been able to see her since my relapse, 2 years ago. What I realized, is that if I attempted to attend the wedding or visit my mother, I could make myself gravely ill, and not just for a day or two. So just know that you are absolutely doing the right thing. You want to be in the best shape possible to be able to have some kind of relationship with the newlyweds after the marriage. Your health is absolutely the most important thing.
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    • Posted

      Oh thank you SO much for your words Jackie! They have made me see that I am making the right decision. You are so right in saying that you fear that making the trip would make you gravely ill. That's EXACTLY how I feel too. Oh. I'm really really sorry you can't get to see your Mum! I hope she understands. It's heartbreaking having to miss seeing the people we love most in this world because we're poorly. I too couldn't go to the hospital to be with my Mum a few years ago she was 93. My husband went instead for me and took my love with him... I trust that she understood, she sent a loving message back.

      Whew! I feel like I can get some sleep maybe now. I shall read your words again in the morning Jackie. A vertical bouquet of flowers from me to you to say thank you!

      Love Yvonne

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    • Posted

      Ha ha ha! Yet another thing to blame on that 'brain fog' we all get.

      You made me laugh. smile that's a big improvement this evening.

      X

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    • Posted

      Hi, iv had m e for 15 years now,& been threw all the ups and downs it brings, and i have always pushed and pushed myself to keep goin & giving mostly for other people including my family & children,& still no one understands, so know matter what good you do people will only remember the things you didnt do,so if you could go to the hotel before hand,& just rest as much as poss,& on the day go in a wheelchair even if its just for the ceremony,you will treasure it and so will your daughter,& you can retire back to your room as much as you need to,, it will also show people that you are ill & might help them understand more about you and the illness,,we have to stay as positive as possible wth this illness, and still try to live some life,,as yes there are lots worse off than us,but you do have to listen to your body and rest when it tells you its crashing,but try not to hide away or give up plez, as i said being positive is crucial . Good luck..🌺🌺🌻🌻
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    • Posted

      Thank you for your reply Bubbles. I agree entirely that we are better off than some and remind myself of that fact all the time, I think it helps with the positive thinking. I too have also always done as you, in pushing through and giving to my children and others, it's just what we do isn't it as mothers, it's like breathing. I've had M.E. along with other chronic illness for almost 30 years now. It began after I had my son. I had Eclamptic fits and then nearly died after a haemorrhage needing 7 pints transfusion (of course back then they didn't rule out people with M.E. giving blood) after an emergency Caesarian, and afterwards I got progressively more ill gradually over the years. Now I am virtually housebound, apart from maybe an occasional trip to the supermarket on better days. Never the less I enjoy life whenever I can, and this web-site has been a God-send! Thank you for the suggestions you made, but you see it's the distance and the pain and disorientation I feel in the car that is the main problem. If the wedding was just nearer I definitely would do as you suggest, but my daughters fiancé is Scottish, and the wedding is up there.I managed with difficulty to make it an hour up the road to be at my son's wedding a couple of years ago and it did as you say show people just how poorly we with this illness actually are.

      Thank you for your kind words Bubbles, it makes such a difference to be able to 'talk' to others who understand exactly how we cope moment to moment. 💐

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    • Posted

      Hi Yvonne,

      As you have had this condition for so long, I feel people will understand a lot more than you think? You have multiple conditions here which affect you. Travel is also hard for me and I went to Edinburgh in 2014, it wiped me after but, it was in February and the Christmastime had been demanding too. I'd explain to my daughter what was happening and how much I wanted to be there. Ask if the pair of them could visit you after and maybe go for a meal when you're less symptomatic. Its hard not being able to do these things because of this condition but, like others have said here, ask for a video, not too sure If you could even Skype your daughter before the wedding? My daughter is going to move to a different country and marry her partner there, luckily not this year but, I've no idea how that will work for me! I had to cancel going to a friends wedding a couple of years ago and they were fine with it. Did wish I could have attended but, I was In too much pain then.

      Hope this helps

      Best wishes

      Beverley

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  • Posted

    I understand how you feel. I have felt so guilty missing critical holidays with my family. Just this last year, I couldn't make it up to Colorado for Christmas with my family. An 11 hour drive and all the socialization would probably have killed me. I know it's tough, but we have your back. Take care.🌸🌹🌿🌷
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    • Posted

      Wow, eleven hour drive! That would most definitely have been too much for any of us too. I'm so sorry you missed your family Christmas, I hope you were able to Skype with everyone at least.  Thank you so much for replying, it makes such a difference to be able to chat with folks who understand implicitly.  Do take care, I loved the flowers you sent!

       

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  • Posted

    There are multiple affects on lifestyle, and many dont truly understand, whilst it makes the sufferer feel far worse about not being able to do things, go places than those they want to be with will feel and think.

    Try not to beat yourself up about it, that will also make you feel worse,  you have tried your best to suit, do whats best for you, theyll still have a great time,  but maybe a skype link so your still part of it, good luck

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    • Posted

      You're right Lynne, they will still have a good time. My daughter said yesterday....."Right Mum, let's turn this around and make it positive. So if you are at home I won't be worrying that you are poorly because I know you are safe." Which is a really good way of her looking at it, I'm really proud of her.  Now all I have to do is as you said, 'Stop beating myself up!'

      Fingers crossed they can get wi-fi up there in Scotland.

      Thanks so much for your advice, it really has helped!

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    • Posted

      Glad your daughters taken such a mature caring attitude, lve grown sons, love them of course, but miss having a grown daughter, and yours is reasurring you, and we all feel the regret and guilt, lve even had it many times over my pets, not walking the dog, it runs round the garden instead, small dog so okish, lve put seedling in, keen gardener, got ill and theyve died, its endless from minor to major events, but being guilty makes you feel worse, so glad your content about it helped by your daughter.  Skype if poss, join in the toast to them, be lovely. Take carex
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