Trackingmyjourney

Another day.

Woke up at 5am after 6 hours of sleep. May have dozed off for another half hour.

Kind wife takes the kids to school. I finally get up at 8:45. So i laid there and let the morning anxiety build for almost four hours.

By the time the wife gets home I am sobbing on the couch for the fifth time in 7 weeks. Believe this to be a side effect of citalopram because there was nothing like that before i started and it commenced the day after i started 7 weeks ago.

I took my daily 0.5 lorazepam and then gradually feel better all day. Not great but better. Now at 6pm (feels like 10pm) I feel much like my normal self.

I should mention that i have felt almost flu like all day as well. Also similar to how i felt as soon as citalopram hit my system.

Wife says she sees progress. I certainly wasn't much better than this at the 7 week mark the first time around.

Wish i didn't need the lorazepam still. Really could use a few good days in a row.

I'll try to enjoy this evening and not think of what likely awaits me in the morning.

Another day.

Cheated today and took my 0.5 lorazepam at 4:30am. Allowed me to get a little more sleep.

Got out of bed, took the citalopram at 8am. Morning felt fairly anxious and glum but not terrible. Worked and then walked.

Tried to nap in afternoon but it didn't happen. My brain just doesn't let me fall asleep. No racing thoughts, just couldn't do it.

Will work some more after getting kids then read a book with wife on sofa tonight.

Wish me luck on starting to sleep better. I would like that worry off my plate so I only have the depression and anxiety to worry about!

I am so lucky to have my wife to drag me through this. I am glad I can at least keep working and do a reasonable job with the kids.

Still looking for a breakthrough day to feel some relief. Last time around I definitely got some relief right about now.

I missed posting a day.

Last two have been similar. Tough morning with decent evening.

Always with the 0.5 lorazepam getting me out of the morning hole unfortunately.

Side effects seem worst about 3 hours after i take the citalopram for the day. I have read it peaks in your system between one and six hours.

Also did two long hot tubs in the past few days and wife is convinced that has negatively impacted me. Makes sense as the heat would create anxiety like symptoms.

50 days in and it is still very tough. Very much needing to see some clear progress.

My wife is a saint for how she is helping me through this.

Ugh.

Another day. Seems about the same. Wakeup anxiety terrible.

Woke up six something. In bed until 10. Took my 0.5 lorazepam at 8am.

Went for 1.5 hour walk. Then dove for the couch. May have fallen asleep for a couple of minutes. I wish i could sleep 20 hours a day.

worked after that. good distraction as my mind wanted to worry. now 7pm, not really anxious but just generally feel a bit ill and flushed.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

I got there last time and I think i feel a little ahead of that pace. Still looking for a bit of a step change in health fairly shortly. Just want something to confirm progress is happening.

Still focused on being extra kind to everyone. That will be my goal forevermore.

At least something good out if this daily suffering.

Different day today. Felt like a victory for a while.

Woke up six something. Anxious but less than normal and then it relented.

Got up and ate. Mind started to worry so i exercised in the gym and then did 2.5 hours of yin yoga.

Started struggling a bit by 3pm. By 5pm it was full blown anxiety and i took my 0.5 lorazepam for the day.

That is where i am now. I expect i will be feeling pretty good in an hour and have a reasonable night.

Disappointing as i thought i was going to get a lorazepam free day and that really good day that i was looking for.

Patience, patience, patience.

i was correct and last night turned for the better.

this morning anxiety was back in full force. weekend so up late. had to take my 0.5 lorazepam at about that time.

Then had a reasonable day. workout and then yin yoga with daughter. walked over to my parents for dinner where anxiety kicked in a bit. i think i had gone too long without food. low blood sugar is a trigger.

day 53 and it is still a struggle. want off those lorazepam badly.

Day 54 on citalopram.

Last night was good. This morning started pretty good. Got up and made breakfast for the kids.

Then started working and by 10:30 anxiety had overwhelmed me again. Side effects are relentless. Sobbing on the couch.

Took 0.5 lorazepam and afternoon was fine. By 5:30 though had deteriorated. Thinking low blood sugar again. Will see how the night goes.

As of now mornings are brutal. Afternoons usually reasonable and evenings very good.

Now four weeks at 15mg. No way i am upping any time soon. I was not anxious like this pre citalopram, nor was i crying every second day. I had insomnia and periods of negative rumination and depression.

The side effects are my biggest problem right now. It is still a struggle but even i can see that there is progress.

Day 55.

Don't look now but somebody had a really good day! Finally!

Now i did cheat and have a 0.5 lorazepam mid afternoon when some anxiety was building. But this morning was the best i have had and tonight i am 100% normal.

Doctor is comfortable with that very small dose of lorazepam. I expressed concern about addiction and he said he will not let that happen. They have made this brutal process much more bearable.

Now i should also note that i used tapping today repeatedly today for the first time. There are a lot if studies that support it helping anxiety, even better than CBT.

Do not know if it has made a difference but man it feels good to be myself tonight.

Day 56. Still at 15mg with no plans to change.

Last night was fantastic. Felt like myself. Happy, optimistic.

This morning wakeup anxiety wasn't terrible. Slept pretty well but awake at 5:20. Might have slept a bit more after that.

Worked first thing. Then decided to lie on the couch. That is generally the kiss of death and sure enough unhappiness arrived. Took my 0.5 lorazepam for the day.

Rest of the day has been ok. Lifted weights. Went for a walk. It is 7pm now and if you could guarantee that i would feel like i do now forever i would likely take it. No anxiety. Thoughts aren't a problem.

Still getting twitching in my calves. Could be anxiety but that twitching usually doesn't occur there. I am mindful of sodium as i know citalopram depletes it.

The long journey continues. I am better than last week for sure. Still using tapping and 4-7-8 breathing. Paying attention to diet and getting lots of outside exercise.

Last night i was 100% myself again. Feels great to be me again.

Decent sleep. Woke up 6:30. Anxiety not bad.

Worked then walked. During walk thoughts started to turn. Very similar time each day and it is always a couple hours after i take the citalopram.

Wife talked me into 0.5 lorazepam. Our theory is to not let the anxiety get out of control because it can spiral. This is the smallest dose possible and i only do one per day.

Afternoon was then fine and by 5pm i was 100%. Now 8:30 and i feel just perfect.

I have definitely had a step change improvement over the past few days.

This is day 57. Hope has arrived. I even allowed myself to say that i think i will eventually be ok.

I believe the cause of all this was chronic stress. I worked 52 weeks a year for a decade as a self employed person. Put constant ultramarathoning on top of that and i think i just broke myself.

Hello day 58.

4 weeks at 10mg. The rest at 15mg.

Last night just fantastic again. Today i hit 100% at 4pm when i was lifting weights.

Slept pretty good last night. Still don't like the mornings. Anxiety and always feel kind of overwhelmed about what may come.

Took my 0.5 lorazepam at 11am. Our thinking is still to keep anxiety away as much as possible to let me sleep better and give the ssri more time to kick in. Hopefully this tiny dose doesn't come back to haunt me.

I don't know how the day would go without it. I know i actually feel like i am living now and not just hanging on surviving like a couple of weeks ago.

Day 59.

Much like day 58. Best sleep i can recall since december which would be three months ago.

Not as anxious first thing. Had some negative thinking around 12:30. Thought about going no 0.5 lorazepam today but i am progressing so well we think i should stick with it another week and let the citalopram continue to level out.

6pm now and i feel 100%. Happy, joking. Like the old me.

Progress is surely happening. Appetite is back with a vengeance. That has to be a good sign.

Day 60.

I would say muck like day 59 but a little better.

Evenings are now great every day. Had some anxiety in the morning. This was sunday so i didn't do much until going for a walk at 11:30. Then lifted weights.

Went to parents at 4pm for supper. Mind was racing by the time i got there. Took my 0.5 lorazepam. Should have maybe eaten first because food can often help.

Anyway. Evening was fine. Great even i would say. Love being around the kids and wife.

If i can take a 0.5 lorazepam once a day i am in a really good place. Still don't know how the evening goes without one. Getting much closer to not needing it.

Progress continues but of course it is hard to be satisfied because i just want to be 100%.

Time is the only answer to that unfortunately.

Day 61.

Reasonable sleep. 10:30 to 5:25. Awake for half hour around 3am. So that is reasonable. Taking on quarter of a sleeping pill now. Hopefully fully off those soon.

Morning was ok. Not perfect but felt like i was waiting for anxiety or depressed thoughts to arrive.

They did over lunch. Took my 0.5 lorazepam which really didnt 't seem to do much. i would say by 4pm i was 100% though and have been all night.

4pm seems to be when i get to normal now. I hope that keeps working back earlier.

10 days ago i was just trying to survive. now i feel like i am actually back to living for half of each day.

Of course if i wrote these in the morning i would imagine i would sound much leas optimistic.

Day 62.

Excellent night last night. Sleep was reasonable. 11 to 3. 3:30 to 6:10.

Morning wasn't terrible. Up to feed the kids and drove them to school. Then work and then walk.

Anxiety/dark set in around 2pm. Took 0.5 lorazepam. Was 100% by 4pm while lifting weights. And now fine at 7:30.

Still going in the right direction.

Last night was great.

Morning today was reasonable. Stayed pretty good all day. Took lorazepam at 6pm as i was deteriorating.

Considered going all day without it. 7:40 now and i still don't feel great.

Was getting pretty excited going into today. Sobering deterioration today.

Chin up. I am a lucky man. Perfect family, incredible life.

I think i stressed myself into this with constant work. I will persevere. Accept the anxiety. Don't fight it. Time is what is required to heal me. Everyone suffers at some point. This is my turn.

Day 64.

Morning wasn't great. Out of bed with kids for school though so that is better than a few weeks ago.

Sleep was bad. Up at 4:30 and don't think i slept after that.

Drove them. Worked for a bit then went for 1.5 hour walk. Spent the entire walk ruminating over the same few thoughts.....when will i get better, will i get better, how did i cause this.

Surrendered to my 0.5 lorazepam at 11am. Felt better by noon.

Afternoon wasn't spectacular. Lifted weights, drove the kids again.

When i took my youngest to babysitting at 5:30 i came back 100% for whatever reason.

Optimism from earlier in the week waning a bit. Clearly improving but without that one little lorazepam per day it would be much, much harder.

So tiring.

Day 65.

I was just rereading my posts over the last ten days and i seem to have hit a bit if a blip.

Sleep was not the best. Up with kids though and got them feed and drove to school. Then got home and just crashed. Entire body just felt hopelessly sad.

This is how i felt the day after starting citalopram and the days after raising from 10mg to 15mg.

Took my 0.5 lorazepam which helped but i have not totally shaken it all day today.

Still tried to do all the right things. Walked, workout, not too much work.

These blips are gonna happen. But that doesn't make them any less painful.

Taking the kids and my parents for ice cream. Then the weekend and spring break for the kids.

I am hoping to take another good step higher by the end of next week. I had been on a good run of improving. Let's get past this blip and keep going.

Day 66.

Really, really tough morning.

Anxiety through to roof. Took my 0.5 lorazepam at 9. It is a weekend.

Important to note that my sleep was awful. 12 to 4:10. Might have gotten a few minutes after that.

Amazing that last time i did this a slept really well after the first few weeks. I can't wait for easy sleep to come back.

Got out for a good hour walk then went for lunch with two old friends. It went ok. Was a bit aware of anxiety while there but conversation helps distract.

After that drove the kids and then hit the couch. Think i slept for twenty minutes. It is bizarrely hard to tell because i sleep so light right now.

It is 7pm now and i am doing pretty well. I am ready to return to making progress.

I will take a moment to be proud of myself. 66 impossibly difficult days of this and not once have i taken it out on anyone around me. Instead it just makes me love them more and i make sure i treat them accordingly.

I wish anyone reading this and suffering like i am a speedy recovery. This really stinks.

As someone on day 2 of this med, thank you for writing this out. It helps a lot!

Thanks for the comment.

What dosage are you at ? They started me at 20mg and it was way too much. The side effects for me were impossible.

Went back to 10 for four weeks and now 15 for five weeks.

Day 66 and Day 67

Two days to report at once. They blur together so much it is hard to remember.

Day 66 had a reasonable sleep. I think fro 12 to 6.

Morning seemed okish but got quite anxious while out for walk. Took the 0.5 lorazepam.

Day turned from there gradually. By evening i was pretty normal.

But then the encouraging news. Last night i fell asleep with no sleeping pill for the first time in three months. I have weaned down to a quarter pill. But this was nothing.

And slept quite well, managing to fall back asleep after waking up. Woke up around five but then got quite a bit more sleep until 7.

So i definitely got more than seven hours.

That is progress. it is slow. painfully slow but happening.

Important note to my future self is that this sleep happened after tapping quite steadily for an hour before bed. There does seem to be benefit from this.

Morning wakeup was not anxious. It built up a bit as i lay in bed but one of my best starts.

After i worked for a bit it got worse around 11am and i begrudgingly took the 0.5 lorazepam. I thought about not doing it but my sleep is now getting better and i don't want to rock the boat.

Now 6pm and i feel pretty good. Have had an hour walk, lifted weights with daughter and did yoga with her. She is also learning to drive so i co piloted that for an hour.

It is so hard to not constantly try and figure out how i got to this point at age 49 with no major life event to trigger it. Almost 50 years with no hint of this then bam.

Chronic stress from being a driven entrepreneur is my best guess. I like my work but i did go 52 weeks a year, 6 days a week for a decade.

I have cut back now and am trying to do all the right things to help the citalopram get me back to happy, sleeping and not anxious.

They gave me 20, but I'm splitting in half and only taking 10 for now. I was on this just over a year ago, and I learned my lesson last time about going straight to 20!

you are exactly the same as me. November 2021 was started at 20. Spent the next two weeks in hell. The intrusive thoughts were beyond horrific.

This time started at 10 and that was hard enough. Move to 15 was also tough.

Day 68.

Last night was perfect health. Again couldn't believe the morning would bring anything different.

The morning was actually quite good and also i slept with no sleeping pill and slept longer. 11:45 to almost 7. Not straight but without much wakeup time.

Worked in the morning then yoga then lifted weights with daughter.

I took the 0.5 lorazepam at 2:30. I wasn't terrible but i want fully off the sleeping pills before ditching the lorazepam.

Went for 1.5 hour walk at 4pm.

Things are working. Feeling perfect now at 7pm. Hopeful for another pill free sleep and another low anxiety morning.

Day 69.

Best day yet. Sleep with no pill. Three in a row. Hadn't done it once since december.

Wakeup anxiety was better than normal. Felt pretty normal until 2:30 or so. Took 0.5 lorazepam at 3:15. Want to get sleep figured out fully before i drop the lorazepam.

I am getting better and don't want to ruin momentum.

Now as of 7:30 i feel perfect.

Three day update. Day 70, 71 and 72.

Day 70 morning was rough. Had some work stress and i felt it. Left shoulder twitched for half an hour. Took the lorazepam and got better gradually.

Day 71 and 72 similar. Anxiety not terrible in the morning. Worsened in the afternoon. Took lorazepam both days and evenings were fine.

Importantly i am now sleeping like a normal person. No sleeping pill, falling asleep fast and getting six or seven hours.

Insomnia was my biggest problem before i started citalopram so that is big news.

Now to work through the anxiety which i believe is mostly a side effect, but also preexisting, just not to the current level.

Day 73.

It is 8pm at night and i will be lorazepam free today.

First time in two months that i haven't had my 0.5 dose.

I didn't feel perfect all day, had a bit of a wave in the afternoon but it relented. I had some morning anxiety but it waved out too.

Six nights in a row with no sleep aid. I even fell asleep while reading last night.

No denying the progress now!

Thought to remember. I am not my thoughts. I am who listens to the thoughts my brain is creating.

Patience is finally paying off.

28 days at 10mg and 45 days at 15mg.

I'm not done yet but i have come a long way.

Day 74.

Yesterday lorazepam free. Then what happens i can't fall asleep.

Ruins my 6 night streak of falling asleep easily with no sleep aid. Took a quarter of a zopiclone and got to sleep.

Day 74 was anxious to start off. Took the 0.5 lorazepam in the morning, then had reasonable Sunday. Lifted weights with daughter. Then some brief yoga and watched a hockey game.

Went for dinner at my parents and had a decent amount of anxiety. Food helped, I hadn't eaten enough. Evening was fine.

I was really bummed out by not being able to sleep after my lorazepam free day.

Three steps forward and two steps back as always.

Day 75.

Fell asleep no problem but woke up 3:30 and couldn't get back to sleep. Took a quarter of a sleeping pill and slept until 6:30.

Morning anxiety wasn't great. Got the kids ready for school and then started working. Around 10:30 just broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. it was brutal. All i could feel in my body was sorrow.

Over nothing specific!

That happened after starting citalopram and after raising but not for a while. I believe that is a side effect mainly. This wasn't happening pre med.

Took my 0.5 lorazepam for the day and had a reasonable remainder of the day. 6pm now and feel pretty normal.

What a brutally difficult journey this is. The hardest part is not knowing when the end is or even if there is one.

Just gotta keep plodding forward.

Day 76.

Slept with no pill last night. 10:45 to 5:25. Woke up at 3am and got back to sleep.

That isn't far off 7 hours so that is a victory.

Morning anxiety was intense though. So frustrating since i felt perfect going to bed.

Took my 0.5 lorazepam at 10:30 while working.

Afternoon was ok but i am not perfect as of now which is 6:30. Just feel sad and my brain wants to spin everything negative.

Two and a half months in now. I knew this was going to be a long slog. Every day is a challenge still but not the horror of the first few weeks.

I am doing a good job of staying upbeat with the kids. All this has done is make me love them, my wife and parents even more.

I can't wait to be normal and content.

Day 77.

Very close to a repeat of yesterday.

Slept 10:45 to 5:25 with no pill. Not straight but was able to fall back asleep.

By 7am anxiety was again intense. Lorazepam before 10am. Bad enough to get me crying out of frustration again.

Afternoon reasonable. Was 100% by 6pm. Hard to believe i will be back in the same crummy boat tomorrow morning.

The weather is set to turn here and the snow will go quickly. I am going to be outdoors and moving constantly to try and jumpstart this recovery.

I barely moved today so will have to see how that impacts sleep. I can't recall the last day i didn't exercise.

Appetite is still out of control.

Day 78.

Last night i was perfect by 6pm.

Fell asleep 10:45 with no pill. Woke up at 4am and was wide awake. Took a quarter of a sleeping pill. Woke up 6:30.

Least morning anxiety in a long time. I took 0.5 lorazepam at noon as i was deteriorating.

Afternoon was good and i am 100% tonight.

28 days at 10mg and 50 at 15mg. Still convinced the anxiety in the morning is a side effect of the citalopram. I wasn't dealing with that before starting.

Day 79.

Not much to report. Wake up anxiety not bad.

Took a 0.5 lorazepam around noon. We had big family event so i didn't want to push it.

Felt reasonable all day.

No sleeping pill last night.

Appetite is out of control. Need to focus on whole foods and avoid sugar.

Day 80.

Excellent sleep. No pill. 11:45 to almost 7.

Much less morning anxiety.

Started to feel it early afternoon. Took 0.5 lorazepam.

100% by 4pm. Lifting weights helped.

will give the 0.5 lorazepam per day until next weekend. Then i will wean off. Although i am not sure how to wean off one pill of the lowest dose per day.

Might cut it in half but they are so tiny they don't cut well.

Not perfect yet but i have come a long way the last two weeks.

Day 81.

Excellent sleep. 11:45 to almost 7.

Some anxiety in morning. Got quite intense around noon. Took 0.5 lorazepam.

Rest of day was hit and miss. Had a headache for much of it. Not mentally perfect for remainder of day like i have been.

Gotta keep going.

Day 82.

Fell asleep easily. Woke up at 4am, wide awake. Laid there for half an hour then took a quarter of a sleeping pill. Got another hour and a half.

Morning was surprisingly free of anxiety. No real trouble early afternnon as well.

At 4pm my face was flushed and mind was getting a bit racy. I think it may have been my body craving lorazepam. I cut a 0.5 in half and took it.

It worked. Also lifted weights which may have helped. Have felt great all evening.

I think i will try and wean off the lorazepam with half a 0.5 per day over the next couple of weeks.

I don't know if that is necessary given how low the dose is but i have been taking them almost every day for nearly 3 months.

This was my best day yet.

Day 83.

Fell asleep easily. around 11. Woke up at 3am and was wide awake. Gave it half an hour and then took a quarter sleeping pill. Slept until 6:30.

Had some morning anxiety. Went back to full 0.5 lorazepam.

Rest of day was fine. Work. Two walks, lifted weights. Will try to drop to half a 0.5 lorazepam tomorrow.

Generally other than the mornings i am pretty good most of the day.

Day 84.

Fell asleep easily at 11. Wide awake at 4. Took quarter sleeping pill. Slept until 6:30.

Morning anxiety not bad. Started coming after noon. Took half a 0.5 lorazepam.

By 4pm i felt great. Happy, like my old self. Good all night.

Doing lots of walking. Lift weights pretty much daily.

Feeling really good about the direction i am headed. Would like to get more sleep. Happy to be down to half a 0.5 lorazepam. Ok with weaning off like this for a couple weeks.

Day 85.

Solid sleep. 11 to 5. Then back asleep until 6:10.

Morning anxiety not bad. My wife had distressing news about a sudden death of a young client.

Changed my day a bit. Took a 0.5 lorazepam. Rest of day was just fine.

will try to get back to half a lorazepam tomorrow as i wean down.

Feeling optimistic.

Day 86.

Took a quarter sleeping pill to fall asleep. Daughter was babysitting until 1am and it threw me out of whack.

Slept good after.

Morning anxiety not bad. Worked for several hours then walked. Found my brain was ruminating on negative things.

Took half a 0.5 lorazepam and rest of day has been just fine.

Feel i have come a long way.. I am upset with not feeling perfect now. At the start of citalopram i didn't feel perfect for two minutes a day.

Day 87.

Excellent sleep. 11:30 until almost 7.

Morning anxiety was there. Not horrific but annoyingly there.

Took half a lorazepam. Played raquetball. Wasn't perfect until 8pm but wasn't terrible.

Had a headache for much of the evening.

Need to clean up diet. Hungry all the time and don't have my usual willpower to eat clean.

Most anxiety is over whether this will ever end. Always keeping in mind that i am improving every week.

Day 88.

Again excellent sleep with no pill. 11:45 until 6:30.

This was Sunday. Morning anxiety wasn't great. Walked then lifted weights with daughter. Then watched some golf followed by dinner at my parents.

I struggled there. My mind wanted to worry and race. Took half a lorazepam when i got home and then went for bike ride with daughter. Was 100% by end of bike ride.

At this point the weird thing is that i can feel pretty happy but still be suffering anxious and even depressing thoughts. It is like my mind defaults to that thinking.

This process is exhausting but i am much improved from a month ago. Sleeping well with no pill. Down to half a lorazepam.

Golf season is days away and that distraction is going to be a big help.

Day 89.

Monday. Good sleep. No sleeping pills. 10:45 to 5:05. Maybe a little bit more after that.

I generally wake up with zero anxiety. Then it builds as i wait to get up around 7:30 to get the kids going.

Also interesting is that when i wake up in the middle of the night i feel absolutely fine. Makes me think morning cortisol is primary driver.

I worked in the morning then went for a long walk. My head wasn't great. Lots of rumination on when i'll be fully better.

Took half a lorazepam at lunch. Then played pickleball in the afternoon. My rumination continued while i was playing.

By 4pm I felt 100%. Did some more work.

Evening just fine. Thank goodness i get to be normal for 4pm on most days. But man it is frustrating to be perfect at night and then bad again in the mornings.

Still working much less. Will reduce stress as much as i can for the rest of my life.

Positives. Sleeping good without pills. That was my biggest issue going into this. Lorazepam down to half of a 0.5 per day and it is working. Almost half of every day is now good.

Negatives. Still haven't felt good for an entire day. Sadly when i am bad in the morning i can't convince myself that i will be better at night.

Oh well. Just gotta keep going. Then keep going some more!

Day 90.

Excellent sleep with no sleeping pill. 10:45 until 5 and then drifted off a bit more.

6:30 wide awake and laid in bed until 7:30 when i get kids up. Had no anxiety when i woke up but it had built be 7:30.

Busy morning and worked until noon. Usually get out for a walk to break that up.

Took half a lorazepam around 10:30.

Rest of the day wasn't great. Main recurring thought is worry over whether i will get better. Sadly all i need to do to get better is not think that repeatedly.

Generally not a great day. Wife thinks i am worse since going to half a lorazepam. Maybe, but i can't take those forever.

I am ok now at 7pm.

I do sometimes wonder if i should bump to 20mg but i know that is going to floor me for a few weeks with heightened side effects.

I am three months in. Two months at 15mg. As long as i keep seeing week to week progress i think i will stay here.

Day 91.

Yesterday not the best and then couldn't fall asleep. Took a quarter of a sleeping pill which worked but woke up at 4 and didn't sleep much after.

Usual morning anxiety. Went with full 0.5 lorazepam today to try and get sleep back on track. Had that around ten in the morning.

Again wasn't a great day. Lots of rumination.

I am ok now at 7pm but not quite right.

The recovery was never going to be straight up so a couple of less good days have to be expected.

Hopefully tomorrow turns back to progress.

Day 93.

Fell asleep no problem last night but wide awake at 3am. Couldn't get back to sleep so took a quarter sleeping pill.

Morning anxiety as per usual. Took a full 0.5 lorazepam.

Not great afterwards for the entire day. That is three in a row and i don't know why. I have been drinking a couple diet sodas a day. Don't know if that has an impact. I know aspartame may not be great for anxiety but i think that is reaching.

Likely just a blip like i have had before. I was feeling really good about things a few days ago. I'm ready to have another upswing.

Day 94.

Repeat of yesterday. Fell asleep fine but wide awake at 4am. Took quarter sleeping pill. Woke up at 6 or so.

Not good today. Depressed in morning. Worse than the anxiety. Took 0.5 lorazepam.

Was out with friend for activity in the afternoon. Had some negative thoughts but did ok.

Got to near 100% at 7pm. But i was not close to being good all day.

Have stopped caffeine free diet soda. Test to see if aspartame could be a trigger.Seems unlikely but i have made a bit if a connection before. Nothing like how bad caffeine is for me.

That is four poor days after a good stretch.

Come on brain. Get better!

Day 95.

Fell asleep easily around 11:30. Awake at 4 and i don't think i slept after.

Anxiety and ruminations were not great. Took 0.5 lorazepam at 7am.

Entire day was poor. Muscle twitching a little. Lots of ruminating. I did all the right things. Walked, ate well, lifted weights, took daughter practice driving.

Pharmacy gave me citalopram from a different manufacturer last week. I am now paranoid that has worsened me.

It has been five days worse than what i had been having. Not abnormal but still stinks.

Realistically i am only two months on this dose and i was no better last time at this point.

Oh to know how i would feel today if i had just stayed on last fall instead of getting off the medication.

I need a good turn again to bring some optimism back.

Day 96.

Felt normal around 8pm last night. A week ago i was getting there at 4pm.

Asleep 11:30, up at five.

No sleeping pills.

The muscle twitching yeaterday was the warning. This morning my anxiety built and i had a sobbing breakdown. I have lost count of how many of these at this point but it had been a while.

It felt soooo bad. Just utter despair.

Took my 0.5 lorazepam. The rest of the day has been blah. Worked, went for a long walk.

Lots of rumination about never getting better. I realize that is the anxiety talking but it still isn't fun.

I went back a read most of my posts and i was better 30 days ago than i have been the last week.

My citalopram brand changed so i am paranoid that is the cause. Likely a stretch. I was also blaming diet soda so who knows.

Likely a blip. But man it sucks. I have lost the optimism i had been feeling.

It is 5:30 now. Hopefully i get to 100% shortly.

What positives can i take? I can fall asleep now easily. I even managed a nap. I can have moments where i am 100%. I was getting there in the afternoon not long ago.

Just keep going. Next month will be even better. This is how it works. Don't suffer the thoughts. Let them happen and carry on.

For 48 years i did not suffer from this. This is not my normal. I will recover.

good work...keep up! everything will be ok. i promise!!!!!

Last night i turned for the better around 7:30.

Then i felt great. Like nothing wrong.

Followed that up with best sleep in a while. 10:40 to after 6am.

All following my worst day in ages.

Had some anxiety in the morning. Not terrible. I took my 0.5 lorazepam early.

Worked in morning then went for long walk. Fair bit of rumination throughout.

Afternoon more work. Started getting anxious around dinner. Food seemed to quell that. 7pm on have been perfect.

I will call that a successful day. Can't believe i am still taking a lorazepam every day. But man this is a hard process.

Thanks.

Can you tell me when!!! If i had an end date it would be so much easier......

obviously your brain is still adjusting...having good times is a very good sign, so the meds are working. there is no exact moment or date, as everything happens gradually. advice - look at the positives on the day and believe, believe that it will happen, because it will

Day 98.

Last night felt great after 7pm. Then slept pretty well. 10:45 to 5am. Would like another hour but i am still thrilled when i sleep without a sleeping pill.

Anxiety on wakeup. Not enjoyable but i have had worse. Took half a lorazepam.

Then work. Then a long walk. Wasn't feeling perfect so took the other half lorazepam.

Took kids back to school then got groceries and gas. Wasn't perfect then.

But once i got home at 2pm through now, almost 9pm I have gotten progressively better to the point where i feel joyful, happy, how i remember me being.

So i am still in here somewhere!!!

I am sure tomorrow morning will be tough again but after a five day blip i have had back to back really good days.

10 weeks levelled off at 15mg. 4 weeks at 10mg before that.

Give me more improvement please!!

Day 99. wayne gretzky!

Last night was spectacular and then i slept pretty well.

10:45 to 5. I would like to get that stretched to 6am or a little later.

Wakeup anxiety definitely the least that i have had. Had half a 0.5 lorazepam early and then the other half at noon.

Was a rainy morning and i had all my work done and not much to do. Did some yoga, lifted weights a bit.

Walked in the afternoon.

I would say the entire day was pretty good. As of 6:30 i am not as great as last night. Not really anxious all day but more depressed at times.

First golf of the year tomorrow. Optimistic that the socializing and mental break from getting out there regularly can jump start things.

Day 100.

Sleep last night was 10:45 to 4:45. That isn't enough but I'm sleeping pill free.

I would also say considerably less anxiety again in the morning. Took half a 0.5 lorazepam.

No work to do today. So went for morning walk then went golfing at 11:30. My buddies and I are pretty competitive (fun) and like last year it completely takes my mind off of my issues. I wasn't perfect out there but very close.

Now 6pm and I feel 100%.

Very encouraging day.

Day 101.

Sleep was not great. Asleep by 11 but restless. I took the quarter sleeping pill that i keep by my bed at 330am.

Awake shortly after 5.

Morning anxiety was almost nothing. Best morning yet.

Got kids to school. Went for a walk then tried a hottub for 25 minutes. Had been avoiding that over concern it worsened anxiety.

Golfed in afternoon. Had a real blah stretch on the golf course. Was good for most of it though.

7pm now and just wiped out. Have some of the usual worries about whether i will ever be better.

So great start to the day but not ending as well as most nights.

Day 102.

Fell asleep fine last night at 10:45 but then wide awake a 2:30am. I took half a sleeping pill because i wanted real sleep.

Worked as i slept past 6am.

Morning anxiety again wasn't bad at all. Had muscle twitching last night and in the morning. That is usually a sign trouble is coming.

Worked and walked in morning. Wasn't anxious but felt depressed. Had half lorazepam in morning and opted for the second half around noon.

Went for lunch with friends and that went really well. Much less anxious than last time.

Lifted weights when i got home..

Rest of day pretty good. Just felt wiped out, slight headache and sinus pressure that i now believe is tied to stress.

Would like to start getting 7 plus hours solid sleep. Very encouraged by the reduction in morning anxiety.

Day 103.

Slept pretty well. 11:30 until after 6am.

Morning anxiety again very little. Took a half lorazepam as I wean off.

This was a Sunday. Went for a walk. Then drove daughter to work and took care of an errand at a property. Anxiety had worsened so I took the other half lorazepam. More depression than anxiety.

Went for another walk this one with other daughter. Then went golfing late in the day. Was 100% for all of golf and after.

So as of now most days:

• sleep not perfect, but can fall asleep no problem and get more than 6 hours. When I'm healthy I'm always over 7.
• morning anxiety has gotten much, much better over the past week
• taking one 0.5 lorazepam or half of that daily. I'm ok with getting down to half of a 0.5 for a couple of weeks before dropping completely

I'm very surprised how much better the mornings have become suddenly.

Day 104.

Slept from 10:45 to 5 with no sleeping pill. Still not enough sleep but this would have been a roaring success not long ago.

By the time i got up at 7:30 my anxiety was worse than it has been for a while. Took a 0.5 lorazepam.

Worked for a while and then had to drive father 2 hours to an appointment. Most of the day went well but by the time i got home i had a headache and pretty low mood.

Better now as of 7pm. I have not done well with travel since this mess started.

Day 105.

I thought I wrote this day already but it doesn't seem to be here.

Memory of the day a bit blurry. Good sleep. 10:45 to 6am I think.

Morning anxiety reduced. Took a full lorazepam because the prior day was rough. Worked, walked and weights in the morning. Golfed in the afternoon.

I believe I thought this was my best day to date.