Trackingmyjourney
Posted , 14 users are following.
Hi,
Discussion welcome. I have an incredible wife to support me but I would love to share with folks here as well.
Briefly. My second time on Cit. I started november 2021 and dropped september 2022.
I mistakenly thought i had been fixed by addressing a b12 deficiency. Turns out it was the Cit. I started falling apart slowly i October and maxed out in January with brutal insomnia and depression sinking in.
So far 4 weeks at 10mg and 2 weeks at 15mg. It has been tough, i get extreme side effects from starting up and changing doses. Sent me sobbing on the couch multiple times. Intrusive thoughts and waves of anxiety that I am managing with one 0.5 lorazepam per day.
Taking half a zopiclone to sleep as well.
I do not know the cause of my chemical imbalance. I am 49 and have had the easiest happiest life imaginable until this.
I suspect i have been given this suffering to learn some lessons......and i can say empathy oozes from me now.
I look forward to chatting with anyone who is interested. I am going to track my progress here so that i can look back and see progress.
Thanks
4 likes, 391 replies
Rik78273 SubEkAll
Edited
Your journey is inspiring! every day i follow your progress!keep going.....everything will be ok in the end!!!things will get better and better i promise!!!
SubEkAll Rik78273
Edited
Thanks for the message and the kind words.
It doesn't feel inspiring! It feels painful!
It seems to be going in the right direction. Knowing that it is going to take months is the overwhelming part.
But i have survived two months and they should be by far the hardest part.
emma95960 SubEkAll
Posted
you are doing amazing x the side effects are awful but do subside i had them for about 2-3 months terrible anxiety in the morning, lack of appetite, waking up early etc
SubEkAll emma95960
Posted
I don't think I saw your comment before. Thank you for the support.
It is a slow, difficult grind but it is getting better.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 105.
Slept from 10:45 to 5:30. Pretty good. Haven't had a sleeping pill in quite some time. Falling asleep at night is not problem.
Then tried something different. Got up and took my 0.5 lorazepam. Fell back asleep until almost 7am. I wasn't really anxious but I planned on taking one today so thought I'd do it early.
Got kids ready and drove them to school. Came back. Worked for about 1.5 hours. Then lifted weights, then went for a walk. Then went golfing in the afternoon.
It was probably the best full day I've had since this all started.
Golfing is my best place. With friends. Distracted with conversation and playing. We are quite competitive so I am locked in concentrating.
That was a great day for me. Still heading in the right direction. Morning anxiety has really broken over the last 10 days or so.
I knew this was going to be a six month or longer process. It is getting better as we go though so that is encouraging.
Rik78273 SubEkAll
Posted
well done, keep up. The fact that you're feeling well with friends is really encouraging!!! What are you working, just curious?
SubEkAll Rik78273
Edited
I have worked from home as a contractor for almost 20 years so my schedule is flexible.
I downsized my workload at the end of january when i started citalopram and the side effects were a nightmare.
I had gone 52 weeks a year for most of a decade. I think that overworking may have contributed to my breakdown.
I am probably working about 20 hours per week right now.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 106.
Slept well. 10:45 to 5:30. Took half a lorazepam today.
Morning was walk first then work. Felt reasonably good all morning. Then went golfing. Felt something hanging over me for much of golf. Not terrible but I guess the anxiety was there.
Eased off around 7:30 at night.
Things are exponentially better. I'm not perfect but there is momentum.
4 weeks at 10mg. 78 days at 15mg.
Going to half lorazepam on days where I've had a good prior day. Will do full lorazepam if prior day was tough or morning was tough.
Mornings are sooooo much easier now. Previously my body would feel so anxious and it would feed negative thoughts. My body feels much calmer. I even find that I have reflexive positive thoughts to counter the negative thoughts sometimes.
I'm not expecting to be 100% all the time for a few more months but I can live with where I am now and have every reason to believe that I will keep trending better.
What a brutal battle it has been.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 107.
Sleep is in a groove. 11 to 5:30. Maybe some more between 5;30 and 7:30. Stuck an audible bbok in my ear and may have dozed off.
Morning was work and walk. Wakeup had almost zero anxiety. Huge improvement there.
Took half a 0.5 lorazepam in morning. Weaning down now. Not sure what half a pill does.
Golfed in the afternonn and i would say felt like i had something hanging over me the entire time. I can barely even articulate what it was like but it was just like my brain always saying something isn't right.
I guess that is anxiety.
Got home at 5:30 and it gradually went away. Have been perfect from 7pm on.
I try not to overreact to the negative thoughts and just realize that they will be there until they aren't.
Probably will have to live with bad stretches for a few more months. It wasn't that long ago that i was bad all the time.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 108.
Good sleep. 11:30 to 5:55. Would still like another hour.
Morning anxiety not terrible. Took half lorazepam. Worked, walked, weights. Lots of negative rumination.
Took the other half lorazepam at 3:30 before going to a funeral. Became normal there. It was actually an upbeat celebration of life. I enjoyed visiting with my friends and was glad to be there to support my buddy who had lost his Mom.
So fully 100% around 5pm and great all evening.
This was a Saturday.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 109.
Really great sleep. 11:40 to 6:30. Seem to have successfully tapered off sleeping pills.
This was a sunday morning. Stayed in bed until 9am and did so with little anxiety.
Worked for a couple of hours. Had some rumination. Took half a lorazepam.
Then walked. Weights. Another walk. Dinner at my parents. Felt pretty good for all of it.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 110.
Monday. Another solid sleep. 10:45 to 5:45 I think.
Anxiety wasn't terrible in the morning. Took half a lorazepam as per weaning plan. Day wasn't great. Lots of rumination but no real anxiety.
Exercised for 17,000 steps in total. Lifted weights. Lots of time outside despite dreary whether. Should get back to yoga and do need to try meditation.
There is a positive voice in my head now that reflexively responds to the negative. Hopefully that voice starts winning.
I got through it. Cleared up completely in the evening. It would have been a good day weeks ago but I'm looking for better now. Kind of exhausted that the struggle continues.
But I keep getting up every day to take some more punches!
SubEkAll
Posted
Day 111.
Tuesday. Another solid sleep last night. I'm getting over 6 hours, up to 6:30. Still a little short of what I want. But hey, I was getting zero minutes many nights for a solid month before I started the citalopram.
The day before was a bit of a struggle with rumination. I had some anxiety on wakeup and went back to a full 0.5 lorazepam. Then the entire day was great!
Worked in the morning non-stop. Then golfed in the afternoon. Evening was also excellent.
Don't know what to do about the lorazepam. The doctor calls the does tiny and doesn't seem concerned about weaning off. But boy that one little pill makes a huge difference still.
I keep taking half many days. My wife encourages a full pill given that I have doctor approval.
I'm turning 50 in one month. Really hoping I'm in great shape by then.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 112.
Good sleep. 10:45 to 5:05. Again about an hour less than i would like.
No anxiety when i woke up. Had some by 7:30 out of bed. Took 0.5 lorazepam.
Worked morning. Golf in afternoon. Not perfect all day but pretty good. Perfect at night while working some more and then relaxing.
Decent day.
SubEkAll
Posted
Day 113.
Good sleep. Over 6 hours. Morning was work, walk and weights. Afternoon was golf.
Took 0.5 lorazepam early with mild morning anxiety.
I would say the entire day was very good.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 114.
Over 6 hours of sleep again. Worked, walked and then golfed.
Morning anxiety was light. Took 0.5 lorazepam almost out of fear of changing anything since things are now going so well.
Good day. Perfect at night. Pretty good all day.
I am so much better now.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 115 and 116.
I must be getting better. I sometimes forget posting these.
Both these were weekend days. Good sleeps both nights. Sleeping pills are long gone and I fall asleep within minutes. Very positive that when I wake up in the middle of the night I can fall back to sleep as well.
Day 115 was the better of the two. Took half a lorazepam. Went in the hot tub which I've been avoiding. I think it made me worse. Day 116 had worse morning anxiety. Took a full lorazepam. Had more rumination during the day.
Not terrible versus where I've been but not perfect. I'm ready to be normal but to be honest I didn't expect to be at 4 months. Wasn't close to normal at 4 months last time.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 117.
Monday. Had another solid sleep. Asleep within minutes at 10:45. Wakeup at 5:30.
Anxiety worse than it has been in a while. Took 0.5 lorazepam. Day wasn't perfect but got progressively better. Was excellent in the evening. Worked, walked, golfed and then worked some more.
Time on citalopram seems to be the key. It has been hard to be patient but it is the only option. Still on 15mg. Started for 4 weeks on 10mg so I'm almost three full months on 15.
SubEkAll
Posted
Day 118.
Tuesday. Another good sleep. I'm steady at 10:45 to 5:30.
Some morning anxiety but not terrible. Took half a lorazepam.
Worked, walked, weights and then golfed. The rumination was bad during golf sadly. It wasn't a good day. Took the other half of the lorazepam when I got home and by 7:30 I felt good. Perfect actually.
I wish I knew what the right thing to do with the lorazepam was. I have consulted with two different doctors and neither seem bothered by one 0.5 lorazepam per day. Life for me is pretty good with that. Sometimes half of that is enough.
Do I just keep going with 0.5 per day while the citalopram keeps making me better? Or do I stop the lorazepam and struggle through.
Last time I just struggled through. I'm tired of struggling.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 119.
Wednesday. Good sleep. Same thing. 10:45 to 5:30.
Anxiety not terrible in the morning. Took half a lorazepam. As the morning progressed so did my negative thinking. Took the other half.
Then went golfing in the afternoon and I would have to say it was the worst I've been out there. My brain was just constantly ruminating on negative things.
It seems I've hit another blip. It also follows using the hot tub so I don't know if that was a trigger. The scary part of these blips is that when you are in them you don't know if it is a blip or if this is where you are going to be stuck forever.
Hopefully I catch a break and get back to the good days that I was having tomorrow. Feeling bad reminds me of how far I've come. I honestly expect blips like this for several more months but with the good days continuing to be even better.
Just keep going. Just keep going.
SubEkAll
Posted
Day 120.
Good sleep. Woke up at 4:30 and took the quarter sleeping pill that had been on the nightstand for two weeks. That got me to 6:30.
Anxiety wasn't great on wakeup. Took a full lorazepam after today was poor.
Then the day was again very poor. Endless rumination. So exhausting.
I didn't do anything different. Worked then walked. Fell asleep for fifty minutes at 1:30. That didn't help much.
It is 6:30 now. Hopefully the evening gets me to 100%.
Feeling rotten like this reminds me how well i had been doing.
SubEkAll
Posted
Day 121.
Slept fine but this was another rotten day. Took a full lorazepam in the morning but was never right.
It is 9:30 now and my mind has been endlessly nattering away about how i am never going to get better.
Still hoping that this is just a blip. I need to have a good day. Just exhausted by this process again.
Optimism that i had been feeling for a good long run is gone.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 122.
Drove up to the cabin last night. Slept well. 10:45 to 5. Anxiety immediately and took a lorazepam. Slept until 9.
Struggled with rumination until later in the afternoon. Seemed to turn when increased my water intake.
Noticed very dark urine.
Dehydration could be a factor. So hopefully that can help going forward.
Also no diet sodas today.
It had been a demoralizing few days. 8:30 now and this is the best i have felt in a while.
SubEkAll
Posted
Day 123.
I can fall asleep no problem now. I just wakeup too early. This morning was before 5 am. Took a lorazepam and slept until 9.
Morning was then ok but got really anxious after walking with daughter. We are still at the lake.
After i ate lunch got considerably better. Also had a gatorade as i was worried higher water intake might dilute sodium.
From 3:30 on have been close to 100%. So this has been a better day than the last few although early was not easy.
Looking for another step change to the better now. Coming up on four months.
Taking solace that the next four months has to be exponentially easier than the last four.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 124.
Good sleep. 11 to 5:30.
Anxiety not terrible on wakeup. Took 0.5 lorazepam early. Have a weaning schedule now to stick to.
Still at the cabin. Worked until noon then we walked. Packed up and got home around 3.
Was really good until then. But then deteriorated. Had terrible rumination about whether i would get better. Almost felt like a panic attack.
Improved with food but i haven't been great all night. Rumination plus a headache. Very unusual because i have been good at nights for many weeks now.
Every day still a challenge.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 125.
Slept well. 11 to 5. Can't get back to seven hours though.
Stuck a book in my ear and by 7am i was sobbing from anxiety. That hasn't happened for several weeks. Again it felt awful, just completely out of control.
Took a lorazepam. Worked then walked. Felt pretty miserable all day. Weights in the afternoon.
Better now at 6:30 but not perfect.
This blip down really stinks.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 126.
Asleep by 10:45. Awake at 3:30. Took quarter sleeping pill and lasted until 6:10.
Anxiety quite strong. Had my 0.5 lorazepam straight away.
Worked and walked in the morning. Worked and weights in the afternoon.
Whole day was blah. Either ruminating or sad. 6:30 now and i am ok but not real happy.
This blip is over a week long.
I am ready to get back to improving again.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 127.
Same sleep as usual. 10:45 to 5 am. Took my 0.5 lorazepam then hoping for more sleep. Might have got some.
Worked and walked in the morning. Then golf in the afternoon.
Best morning in 7 days. By 3pm on the golf course I was 100% normal. Then had a beautiful night with my wife and daughters.
Thank you God! I needed a good day. The weight was removed.
Hoping this kicks off another leg higher in my recovery.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 128.
The usual 10:45 to 5am sleep. Took 0.5 lorazepam to quell anxiety and sleep more.
Not sure i got much extra sleep.
Day off for me so left for golf at 9:20. Was really pretty good all day and excellent at night.
Took an ibuprofren again as i have been researching the link between inflammation and anxiety/depression.
Likely coincidence but two days of ibuprofren have been my best two days i ages.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 129.
Slept 11:30 to 5. Got up early for 7:20 tee time.
Took another ibuprofren today. No diet soda. Took my dad golfing at 3:30 as well.
It was a great day. I had little bits of rumination but not much.
That is three in a row with ibuprofren. Still sceptical but there is plenty of research that ties inflammation to anxiety and depression.
I am so excited that i seem to be taking another leg up.
SubEkAll
Edited
Day 130.
Sunday. Slept 11;30 til 5. Then lorazepam. Then snuck in a little more sleep.
Day was really good. A little rough around supper but i was short on food. After supper was 100%.
Still off diet soda and taking an ibuprofren. Really rolling since i started doing both.
It is such a relief to feel better.