Trackingmyjourney

Day 132.

Similar sleep. 10:45 to 5am. Still not long enough but I fall asleep instantly and I am out like a rock the entire time. Reminder that before I got on Citalopram I had not slept for a month and for the first two months I relied on sleeping pills.

Still taking the one 0.5 lorazepam per day. First thing in the morning. It helps me get a few more minutes of sleep after 5am.

This day was another good one. I went golfing early and don't recall many troubled thoughts. Worked in the evening quite content. Had two diet sodas after golf so I'll have to see if that impacts me tomorrow. Still took an ibuprofren and have seen a big improvement since I started doing that. Hopefully won't do that for long but it is hard not to given how much better I am.

Still really encouraged about where I am today. Keep going brain.....let's be friends again!

This might sound weird but I've been following your progress for a while lol and I'm so glad you're feeling better! I know the brutal journey. Praying the upswing continues!

Hi. Not weird at all. I was hoping to get more discussion with people who are going through or who have been through the same thing.

Something has definitely changed again the past week. I'm really starting to feel like myself, joyful, excited to do things, happy for no reason.

The first three months were absolute hell.

Day 133.

The usual sleep. And the usual lorazepam 0.5 first thing. I'm afraid to stop them right now things are going so well.

Today was just fantastic. The first hour I had my usual concerns about getting better but after that I was the old me.

Still on 15mg and zero interest in changing. I feel so much lighter these days. Like a major burden has been lifted.

This big leg up did coincide with me taking regular ibuprofren. There is quite a bit of research that suggests that depression/anxiety is due to inflammation. I started taking them for a sore back (just one per day). I will continue for a couple of weeks if it keeps working. Also focusing on an anti-inflammatory diet.

I'm getting excited to be healthy again!

Day 144.

The usual sleep again. 0.5 lorazepam first thing.

Then perfect health all day. Nothing else to say!

Day 135.

The usual sleep. Went with half a lorazepam. Then had another really good day. Still taking one ibuprofren as well.

I like these reports that just say i had a normal day!

Day 136.

A bit more sleep than normal. I think I got 7 hours.

Full lorazepam. One ibuprofren.

Not a perfect day but just little bits of rumination. I think generally when i needed to eat. Low blood sugar a definite anxiety trigger for me.

Day 137.

I may have missed a day. I think I've had ten pretty good days in a row.

Today was worse though. Got up early to golf. Took half a lorazepam. Then was just not great out there. Lots of negative thinking. Got home and my mind was racing like it hasn't in quite some time.

Took a full lorazepam when I got home. First time I've had more than 0.5 in a day. Just 0.75 in total though.

A little backslide today helped me appreciate how much better I have been for a good stretch. Feeling pretty good now at 5:30.

50th birthday coming up on Sunday. Hope to see some more improvement by then.

Still trying to do all the right things. Lots of healthy food. Lots of exercise. Lots of sun. Less work.

I just can't wait to be better and not have to think about this any more.

Reality check today though. Everyone suffers at some point. Lovely lady I work with just had a baby and now just was diagnosed with breast cancer. Don't feel so sorry for myself. Just keep going and realize that we all have to get through things and relative to almost everyone on this planet I am incredibly blessed.

I really enjoyed having some discussion on this thread. It greatly helps to know that others are fighting the same fight and knowing that we are all thinking/feeling the same things.

Not happy that others are suffering too. But it helps to know that my fight isn't just me and that lots of people get through this and are getting through this.

Day 138.

I'm sleeping longer now. Getting more than 7 hours. That has to help.

Today was better than yesterday. I felt pretty perfect in the afternoon. Had a little lull at both lunch and supper which I suspect is blood sugar related. I think I need to eat more protein.

Had a couple of caffeine free diet cokes today. Will have to watch to see if I regress. I don't think they are an issue but I'm always searching for answers.

I miss morning coffee terribly. No question caffeine and anxiety are a terrible, terrible mix.

To recap for myself where I've come from:

1-In January I could not fall asleep without a sleeping pill. Now I can fall asleep effortlessly and have zero sleeping pills.

2-After starting Citalopram I was lying on the couch crying almost every day. I couldn't even pay attention to a movie or have a moment's peace without anxious thoughts. Now the sobbing is gone and I'm 100% normal for more of the day than not.

3-Still taking a half or full 0.5 lorazepam each day. Trying to wean down but afraid to rush it since I am doing so well.

I'm excited to see where I will be in another month. Each month seems to bring big progress.

Day 139.

Another great sleep. I think i got 7.5 hours.

Woke up, worked then lifted weights. Golf in the afternoon. Lots of annoying rumination while playing.

I don't believe the thoughts anymore. They are just annoying.

I can now link the anxiety to sinus pressure that i have had for years. I always thought it was just a sinus issue but now believe that it was always stress related.

It is so interesting how so many of us feel normal in the evening almost every day but then have to go through the same battle again the next morning.

Just keep going. Just keep going.

Day 140.

Woke up too early at 5am. Might have slept a little more after that.

Morning wasn't too bad. Worked then walked for a good hour.

Golfed in the afternoon and it was terrible. I had constant negative thoughts. Just ridiculous automatic negative thoughts to everything. It was awful.

I didn't get normal until roughly 9pm.

I'm always looking for a trigger for a bad day and my only thought is the caffeine free diet coke. I had a couple both of the two prior days. I think it is most likely just another blip.

Very frustrating though.

Day 141.

Decent sleep. No troubles there for a long time.

Then a brutal day. In the morning i felt as bad as i did in February. At one point i did not think i could get off the couch to drive my daughter.

Golfed late in the day and rotten out there too. Constant negative thinking.

I have had enough of this bad blip and am ready to see more progress.

Day 142.

Happy 50th birthday to me!

Sleep was fine. Day was rough. Lots and lots of negative rumination.

I had 10 good days and now i have had a regression for 7.

I am always looking for a trigger that caused the regression or bad days. They may be just unavoidable on the road to recovery.

But i have to say........I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!

Please leave me alone and let me get back to enjoying life.

Day 143.

I couldn't fall asleep last night. I was getting the worst hypnic jerks that were shocking me awake. This is what I had 6 months ago in December and January when I couldn't sleep.

Why now? My kids bought me a big Coke slurpee for my birthday. First caffeine I have had since December. Would that cause these? I don't know.

Today has also been awful. Just awful. I feel physically ill and mentally depressed. I can't believe how bad things have turned on me since a really great run of days at the end of May and into June.

It really rattles the confidence in a full recovery. How I get through days like this with a smile on my face for my kids I have no idea.

Last night I got relief at 7:30. It is only 4:15 right now. I pray that I get relief again soon today.

I'm so worn out.

hi there, I wanted to comment about your sinus pressure. I had something similar to you. For about 5 years before my original diagnosis 6 years ago I had this very weird ear pain that would come and go. Didnt exactly feel like an ear infection, but it deep feel plugged at times and more like a sharp jolt i would get deep in my ear, like behind my ear drum. Along with the random jolts i would have this numbing/tingling feeling around my ear and down the back of my neck. I had numerous dr visits/extensive testing done and they all came back normal. They found nothing, i just had to live with it. When i started citalopram 6 years ago it mustve just slowly faded away without even really noticing. At various times throughout my medication transitions recently that same exact pain came right back. I know now that it was due to anxiety. The timing is far too coincidental and following a definite pattern.

That is interesting.

The timing is somewhat similar. I had the sinus pressure from 2016 until 2019 and then it went away. In 2020 though I started having a mysterious pelvic pain and got everything imaginable checked out. Then I found some research on pelvic pain being caused by stress. That went away in early 2021.

The final symptom before I completely fell apart in late 2021 for the first time was incredible muscle twitching. I had no anxiety in my head to speak and didn't really feel stressed.

But looking back on it I'm pretty sure working excessively from 2014 through this spring is likely the driver of my problems.

One more thing that is interesting. In junior high school when I felt stressed socially I would always rub my right pointer finger down the right side of my nose. Turns out that is right where my sinus pressure also appeared.

Day 144.

Last night (day 143) finally turned for the better at 7pm. It was another brutal day.

Today has also been bad. I woke up, anxiety not excessive. Did an hour work and then my brain just wanted me to lie on the couch. This is what was happening in the first month after starting Citalopram. While on the couch I was either sleeping of feeling extremely anxious.

I eventually forced myself up to go for a walk. The entire time feeling deeply depressed.

It is 2:30 now and after lifting weights I feel better. Hopefully this will be the turning point for today but it seems too early.

I'm shocked by how bad this backslide has been. I guess it was to be expected but once you are back down in the hole it is just so painful.

I can't wait for my next leg up. The last one came after a bad blip.

Day 145.

I did ok today. Family took a 9 hour car ride to Minneapolis. I had plenty of rumination on the way but it wasn't horrible.

Sleep still worse. Hard to fall asleep and waking up lots.

i had so much momentum at the start of the month. It is gone.

Day 146 and 147.

Staying in a hotel near the Mall of America with wife and kids.

Sleep has been a bit disrupted but falling asleep ok.

Day 146 i would say was reasonable. Plenty of rumination but not terrible. Felt exhausted and a bit brain fogged most of the day.

Day 147 was better. Both days had intense morning anxiety but on this day i had little rumination at all.

Back home tomorrow and hopefully i can get into a routine and keep improving.

I have held up pretty well on this trip.

Day 148.

Made the long drive home. Was really solid mentally for all of it. Did not eat nearly enough though and by the time i got home i was stuck with rumination.

It has cleared up now as of 6:30.

Low blood sugar continues to trigger anxiety and depression for me. I need to stop that as from what i have read it causes my body to release cortisol and adrenaline. Makes sense that this would cause similar anxiety to the first thing in the morning.

High protein and high fiber diet is what i need to focus on.

Day 148.

Slept solidly until 6am. Stuck a book in my ear and then slept off and on until 9am.

I guess i was worn out from the trip.

Then had a really great day. It was Sunday. Went for a walk, then hit the driving range, then did some yardwork, then lifted weights, then a swim, then watched the us open.

Very little rumination. Felt quite happy. 7pm now.

I should note that I carefully tried to manage blood sugar all day. High protein, high fiber.

Please let this be a major turning point for the better!

Day 149.

Good sleep. 11 to 6am and then a little more.

Day was pretty good all the way through. A little big of head pressure around dinner but i think i needed to eat.

Day 150.

Start to finish my best day of 2023.

Only changes were i included 15 minutes if running in my workout and blasted myself with 30 seconds of cold water at end of shower.

Still eating lots of protein and fiber. This day was just different. I was me again.

I am so glad you are feeling like yourself again! I am looking forward to the day I can say this same thing.

Could i please have the names of the books you read and referred to in a previous post?

Day 151.

Another good day. Not quite as perfect as the day before but I was basically normal all day.

Wakeup anxiety not bad. A little hard to get out of bed but once up and working I was ok. After working went to driving range, went for long bike ride with my eldest, went for a swim and then it was evening.

Four months levelled off at 15mg. One month before that at 10mg.

Not much else to say.

Thank you for the kind words.

I hope you get to this point quickly too. You and anyone who is struggling with this kind of issue. To say it has been awful does not even begin to do it justice.

I can't wait to forget how bad it can feel.

I'll send you a message with the names of the books. I think if I put them in a post it gets removed. I've read where KatieCogs has had this happen.

Day 152.

This was with no exaggeration one of the finest days of my life.

I felt like the clock had been turned back two years and I was once again me. A person who is effortlessly happy and full of joy.

Something is now clicking in at a much better level. Five really great days in a row. Eating lots of protein and fiber to keep blood sugar as level as possible.

The idea of having another bad blip felt impossible today. I'm sure there are more to come but I continue to get better each month albeit with ups and downs.

This makes me so happy to read! I'm in the midst of a rough blip right now so this gives me hope. Hope this keeps up for you.

Day 153.

Another really solid day. Sleeping great.

Little anxiety on wakeup.

A bit of a lull and worry around supper. But no complaints versus where I have been.

Thank you!

Sorry about your bad blip. I seem to be going good week and then bad week.

The good weeks just keep getting better thankfully.

Five months in and still improving. Takes a lot of patience and grinding through the terrible days.

Are your evenings at least decent?

I love to hear that the good weeks keep getting better!

I'm about four months in and each month has been better than the previous, but the blips can make it feel like it's not true.

My evenings are always good, so I'm thankful for that. Plus I looked at my journal and 70% of my days on this dosage have been decent-good, which it was no where near that on other dosages. So that's good news.

Hope your days keep getting better and better!

Day 154.

Basically 100% all day.

At the cabin with nothing to do which would have caused all kinds of problems a month ago.

Please let this keep going

How long have you been at the current dose? Is it 20mg.

I am at 15mg. I couldn't handle the side effects from increasing again.

I wish now i had given 10mg a few months. It might have been enough.

I've been at 40mg for about 5 weeks now - I was on 20mg my last time around (for about 7 years) which worked perfectly until I thought I was cured and stopped lol.

Luckily I don't get side effects from any dosage increase other than first going on the med, so each increase was welcomed when the previous didn't seem to be helping.

I'm so happy to read your latest update! I totally get the 'nothing to do' typically causing a huge problem - it's funny, when I'm normal I just chill if I have nothing to do, but when I'm doing poorly it's like the kiss of death. Hoping it keeps up for you!

Thank you.

Were your initial side effects bad?

The citalopram made me far worse than I was before going on it. It put my anxiety through the roof, creating random bouts of deep despair over nothing, created agitation, terrible rumination. Just unimaginable suffering for a long while.

Pre-citalopram I had insomnia, was beginning to have periods of negative rumination, some depressed thinking and brain fog.

My only theory is that I should be on a very low dose of citalopram. The severe side effects telling me that the medication has a powerful impact on me.

Oh yeah, initial side effects were terrible. It made me much worse as well, plus completely took away my appetite. The morning anxiety was unreal those first few weeks... it also felt like my blood was on fire for some reason. That sounds so intense but it really felt that way. Just absolutely miserable.

I hear about people who start SSRIs and their only side effect is drowsiness or something and I'm always so jealous, lol. I'm also just like, how?? But yeah, definitley happy to be past that stage for sure.

Day 155.

Another good day. Had a bit of a wobble late in the afternoon and early evening. Felt kind of hopeless which is where my brain goes. Like I don't enjoy anything.

It went away thankfully.

I've been feeling normal almost all of the time since returning from our family trip. I'm excited with where I am and where I should be in another month from now.

Day 156.

I would call this again a very good day. Not perfect, as I definitely had some depressed feelings at times. Morning initially and then in the late afternoon which I think could be a blood sugar crash.

Went golfing in the evening though and was extremely happy and felt great.

I am going to try and mostly eliminate sugar from my diet for the next month and eat loads of fiber and protein in an effort to keep my blood sugar as stable as possible.

Day 157.

Another good day. 100% most of the time. Maybe a little bit of trouble after I went to a movie with my eldest. My dinner wasn't large though and it may have been blood sugar again.

Successfully stayed away from sugar all day. Ate plenty of protein and fiber.

Still excited where I am and where I will be a month from now.

That's exatly what Fluoxetine have done to me. Fluoxetine have made me feel worse than i felt before starting the drug. My anxiety, depression and ruminating were over the roof. I am just wondering, what we are feeling now is our anxiety or medication ? I dont remember having these feelings before meds..

So again, just like with the other couple of folks who chat on this thread what you have written is like it came out of my own head.

Specifically......wondering about whether what you are experiencing is the medication or the anxiety.

I have no clue either. The first time I went on citalopram was at the end of November 2021. That year I had an incredible year financially, ran two ultramarathons and have a family life that anyone would be blessed with.

After the second ultramarathon I started experiencing muscle twitches for roughly six weeks. I thought they related to nutrient depletion from the running. Then suddenly I started having panic attacks.

I had about four panic attacks and then one day I felt incredible grief and started sobbing for no apparent reason. I went to the doctor and he put me on 20mg of citalopram.

What then followed was the most intense terror, depression, anxiety, derealization for a solid month. I believe that was the citalopram. It gradually got better and took me 9 months to feel 100% normal all of the time, but I was pretty good from 6 months on.

But.........I never connected the terrible first month with the citalopram. I thought that was just me getting worst and the meds not yet kicking in. I actually thought the entire time that I was still suffering from a nutrient deficiency of B12 because I'd also been vegan for three years.

So I quite citalopram in early September 2022 and by mid-October was showing signs of relapse. By late December I had horrific insomnia and was having periods of really negative thinking and brain fog. Another doctor talked me into going back on at a lower dose in January of 2023 and I again got much worse for the first three or four months.

So that is a long way of me saying that I don't know what is the citalopram side effects and what is my underlying problem. All further complicated by the fact that I wouldn't change a thing in my life and for 48 years I was maybe the happiest person that I know.

Hi there:)

Thank you so much for taking time and telling your story..

I just wandering , is there was a reason why have stopped taking meds first time? Did you feel recovered and was ready to discontinue?

I have these feeling, like i am scanning myself what and how i feel, am i anxious? am i upset? is there any pains? Did you feel this way? And then by the end of the day i feel as myself and full of hopes and plans for the next day. But as the day comes it starts all over again. It is not that intense as at the beginning, but still there.. Will that ever go.? When you was on meds first time did you feel like you are yourself again ?

Day 158.

Not quite as good today. A fair bit of rumination in the afternoon. Negative thinking. I find it more annoying than anything now. It doesn't bother me as much as I know it is a product of anxiety.

I don't think I changed anything to trigger it. I did exercise a little more aggressively lately. Half running and half weightlifting.

Great sleeping though. I'm fully back to normal every night.

I stopped the first time because I was convinced that a B12 deficiency was the true cause of my anxiety/panic/depression.

I was vegan for three years and hadn't been supplementing with B12.

And it may have caused a serotonin imbalance since B12 is part of the process that creates serotonin.

Yes at the end of day I have been perfect for months now. I've been feeling like myself most of the time for the last couple of weeks. I'd say the last five weeks have been much, much better.

So that took me four months to get to there. With each passing month along the way I have been improving.

I am so happy for you 😃

I just hope we will find peace and happiness once again and feel how beautiful life is..

Day 159.

Another pretty good day. I had a couple of bouts of anxiety/rumination. I can now feel it coming before it happens. I get sinus pressure and pressure in my right temple. Then my thoughts turn negative.

It is a little different now though in that I am better able to accept the thoughts as being a product of anxiety and nothing more. And I am confident that they won't last long.

Also had a bit of muscle twitching. Not sure what would trigger that. I think just the process of getting steadily better but also have blips backwards.

If this is what a blip backwards now is for me I have come a long way.

Day 160.

Today was like yesterday. Not as good as I have been. Out golfing and I just couldn't escape negative thinking.

It wasn't terrible in the morning and it relented at night. But I don't enjoy the revolving spells of rumination that I can't get out of.

I have exercised more aggressively this week with cross-training workouts where I'm either running or lifting with no breaks. Don't know if that had a negative impact. I have read so many positive things about running and mental health that I want to get that going again.

I haven't been eating great either. Slipping with some junk food in the evening.

Still completely off of caffeine.

Day 161.

I just noticed I never note how I slept the night before any more. My sleeping problems are long gone.

It is hard to focus on the positives. I need to realize how much better I am on average across every day now.

The problem is that I'm not perfect all of the time. Today I had plenty of negative rumination once again. It isn't really stressful anxiety, but more like my brain just wants to default to thoughts about when will I get better or concerns that I don't like to do anything.

Meanwhile everything in my life is something I should be grateful for. My marriage is great, my kids are incredible, my finances are beyond what I dreamt possible, my parents are doing well and have treated me incredibly my entire life.

Brain chemistry went haywire on me at age 48 after a lifetime of happiness. Cause still unclear. Could be working to hard, beating my body with ultramarathons, a financial mistake that stressed me for years, vegan diet with no B12.........I will never know.

I am getting better so I am grateful for that as well. I am just ready to be normal all of the time now. But it seems more patience will be required.

Hi there

Sorry never have asked your name ? Where are you from? I am from Australia.

It is scary like everything you are writing is 100% resonates with me, EVERYTHING.!

" It isn't really stressful anxiety, but more like my brain just wants to default to thoughts about when will I get better or concerns that I don't like to do anything" - that's exactly how i feel, and it makes me feel so guilty, because i know that other people have much more issues and strugling, when me, taking into consideration my life, should be happy and grateful and i am not, its like making feel that i am not grateful and wasting my life..

Tomorrow i will complete 8 months on Fluoxetine. And i know that it is not that fast recovery as for other people but, i believe we are getting better, everyone is different..

You know how i am trying to ignore my anxiety? Please don't laugh - i am picturing it as a little demon child that growling on me from the corner trying to scare me, while i am trying to ignore it. When you have that moment when you anxious - imagine that and just try to smile, as you do that "that little demon child" will start to pout because it tries to scare you but you are ignoring it.. lol.. sorry if it sounds stupid..And tell yourself - i am recovering, and everything that happens right now is normal.

Don't think what have trigger your anxiety, i have also read that population that have had COVID are more likely to suffer with anxiety and depression. Don't be afraid to have a cup of coffee or take a bath, it will not spike up your anxiety, because it is not "natural anxiety" , its medicine balancing. All that fears to do something that might spike up your anxiety IS ANXIETY trying to scare you. Keep doing everything you used to do before you got unwell, in moderation i mean, we are not talking about 5 cups of coffee, but occasional coffee or bathtub is not bad for you.

We will get better, compare your recovery month to month, not week to week and then you will see the progress.

Day 162.

Not a great day. Lots of rumination.

Cut back to half a lorazepam in the morning so that could be it. I have been trending down for a few days though.

This was Sunday. Woke up. Listened to a book in bed until 9. Ate and then went to driving range. Lifted weights after. Then swim. Then walked with my daughter to my parents for dinner.

Still not quite right even now at 9pm. Slight headache. Not 100% like i usually am at night.

It is time to wean off the lorazepam. I have not ever taken more than 0.5mg in a day but I have been using them daily since February.

Hi,

Month to month progress is the way to measure. And by that measure I am having success.

The road is just so long and exhausting! As you well know!

I think I will refrain from sharing my name. The anonymity let's me be more honest.

I am from Canada. I followed my wife to Australia in 1999 and brought her home. We had only know each other for a couple of weeks before she went on a long planned trip that was meant to last a year. She cut it short at three months for me and we were married in 2000.

We have been happy ever since! And despite this terrible process we are going through I know that i am still happy!!

Hi

I am totaly respecting that, no problem at all.

I have came to Australia in 1999 from Ukraine and met my future husband there, knew him only for few weeks and we got married, have two kids 😃

This recovery road is very tough, and sometimes we are losing hope and patience, but we will recover. By the way, i have also days when i did not felt better in the evening, i think its pretty normal.

Yesterday woke up with bad headache, like heavy , foggy head, and it lasted until late afternoon, went for a ride with my husband to the coast for a dinner and evening was very nice.

Morning was a bit up and down, so trying to just keep going with house chores and ignore it that annoying "demon child" saying that i wont recover. We will, i really believe in it.

Day 163.

I really should write these in the mornings and not at night when I pretty much always feel perfect.

Because.........most of today was just rotten. I wasn't anxious, I felt deeply sad and depressed. Endless rumination about never getting better, not enjoying anything.

I took a 0.5 lorazepam early in the morning. Also for the first time in many, many weeks I had part of a sleeping pill at 3am when I couldn't get back to sleep. I do wonder if there isn't a connection between the sleeping pills and being depressed the next day sometimes.

But of course I'm endlessly overanalyzing everything. How can I not? My life could not have gone better until this affliction that I don't truly understand the cause of.

Worked in the morning. Then short walk. Then lifted weights.

I got better when my wife's brother and niece arrived for a swim. I dreaded them coming but the company completely took my mind off my worries. I have been basically fine from 6pm onwards.

I dream of the day when this is over and I never have to think these thoughts again. Please let it be by the end of this summer. I have suffered enough!

This was the worst day in weeks.

Hi, yes your attempts to find the cause of your anxiety, depression IS anxiety manifesting itself.. Try to don't think what have caused it. If you have had the flu, you would not think over and over where, how or from who you have got the flu right? You just will think oh well i got flu, it sucks but it will pass. Same here. It might sound crazy but DO NOT TRY TO FIX IT. Anxiety is not illness it is just very raw nerves that very easily reacting to everything and very sensitive to every thought, every feeling. And avoiding things or think what is causing all this will just add the anxiety.

Patience, time and slow down.. You will be ok 😃

Day 163.

The bad blip continues. It is 6pm now and I'm finally feeling pretty good.

Today was lousy from the start. Worst anxiety I've had in months with the ruminating depression thrown on top of it.

I got up though and went about my day. Worked in the morning. Then went to the driving range to get some sunlight. Then more work. Then a workout. Then more work. Then the grocery store with my eldest.

Will play a video game with my youngest tonight.

I've decided something today. No matter what this horrible affliction throws at me I'm not going to quit. I never quit at anything so why would this be any different? It won't be.

I accept that there are going to be plenty of days like this coming at me in the future. I will live my life and accept that this anxiety/depression will come along with me for a while longer.

And I accept that I'm not going to quit no matter what gets thrown at me.

I've been rating my days recently based on how I've felt and they have gone like this (oldest to newest):

10 good days

4 mediocre days

6 terrible days

2 mediocre days

12 good days

5 mediocre days

now 2 terrible days

So 22 good days, 11 mediocre days and 8 terrible days.

Even on the terrible days the evenings are almost always pretty good.

I can't say that I know what triggers the bad days. I'm not sure it is anything. Blips are part of this recovery.

Hi there

I can see improvement in your thoughts - you are accepting that it will be there for a bit longer, that's what acceptance is. And accordingly, to people who overcome this, acceptance is a major step in recovery.

My days are exactly same as you described - good, bad, terrible, bad, good. But till now i still have anxiety every morning, but it got less intense. Do you still have anxiety on "good" days?

I am not taking any medication to help me when i am anxious, just struggling through it. Have you tried to go few days without Lorazepam?

I am trying to keep myself busy, yesterday took my kids to ice skating rink and they have great time. I can see that i am doing more stuff, living life, but still kind of "don't feel it". I remember someone said, that in recovery, first you will start doing things and then later you will start feeling them..

I have some level of anxiety every morning.

On good days I don't have much. The worst thing I can do is not get out of bed quickly. Once I'm into my day and doing things I feel better.

The lorazepam is a worry for me. I've never taken more than 0.5 on any day, but I've taken it pretty much every day. Some days I've gone down to half of 0.5. For the past couple of months I've taken it at 6am or earlier and it has allowed me to get some extra sleep.

I've had two doctors tell me that the one 0.5 pill per day is a tiny dose. The concerning part for me is that I don't know exactly where I would be without it. Interestingly the best I feel every day is in the evening when I'm the 12 plus hours away from taking it and it should be having very little impact on me.

My side effects from the Citalopram were so extreme. I was suffering enough even with the lorazepam.

I have a weaning schedule in an excel sheet that I'm about to start. I'm going to go very slow.

Every worry you have right now - if you sleep enough, if lorezapram helping, should i stop it and etc - all those just anxieties talking. I have the same - should i drink coffee, should i take meds exactly same time, should i change my diet - all those are attempts to "fix" yourself and sometimes we do not understand its anxiety itself talking. Don't worry about stopping Lorazepram, you will be just fine without it, i am pretty sure.

Reading your journey is like looking into mirror - i am just few months ahead. Let me tell you that morning anxiety is getting better. But also you will feel difference how you feel in the mornings and in the evenings - they will be more "normal" - what i mean is, that mornings will get less anxious, and evenings will get less "euphoric", so don't get upset that sometimes evenings are not that happy for you. But we are on the right track and moving slowly forward to recovery.

Day 164.

This day started poorly. Strong morning anxiety including hypnic jerks as i tried to fall back asleep this morning.

I worked until noon and then went golfing. Things really cleared for me as the day went on.

My thinking ended up being pretty good most of the day. I had lots of pressure in my right sinus and a headache for most of the day and this evening.

But this was a much better day.

Hi everyone,

How is everyone doing?

I'm chiming in for some thoughts and advice.

I really have not been doing that well. I've been on 30mg for 17 weeks now and I really don't have much for "normal" moments. Most evenings i will notice i feel slightly better, a little bit normalish, but even then not fully normal, just better.

I'll have days that are better than others, but still not able to say "I had a great day"

I feel at this point, if 30mg was right for me id be having at least some great days or even great times, but im not really.

I have sent a message to my doctor about this asking for her opinion, but im worried shes either going to suggest to change my med or up my dose. Changing my med is out of the question right now, but i am also so scared of upping my dose. I keep going back and forth on whether to up or not. I'm stuck in this mindset that since i was on 40mg of citalopram before for 5 years and it worked great that thats where i need to be. But theres also this voice that says you never tried 30mg last time, it could work. But im wondering if im wasting my time sitting at 30mg when 40mg worked so well for me last time.

Do any of you have a timeframe in mind where if you hit that and youre not feeling right that you will up your dose?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

Hi there

increasing the dose not going to speed up the recovery, give same dose long enough time to settle and balance. You are still very early on recovery "timeframe" and you will see more improvement, very slow, sometimes you won't even feel it, but comparing month to month - you will see progress.

One mistake people do - do not give meds enough time or jumping from dose to dose. Doctors promising us to get better in 4-8 weeks or 8 weeks - it is not true for the most of us. You need a lot of patience - but you will be fine once again

Day 165.

Morning anxiety was bad again. I'm not sure what has happened. It had been very light for quite some time. Now back several days in a row.

I did ok in the morning while working. Went golfing and I was just so negative in my mind. Also had incredible sinus pressure and a weird headache. The sinus pressure is anxiety. I recognize that I've had that dating back almost 8 years when I went through some financial stress.

The evening got better thank goodness. It always does now.

From the outside there it is very hard to tell that I'm struggling. My kids have no clue. I'm able to joke and laugh and do things. In the evenings I'm pretty much me. There has to be a way to replicate whatever is going on in my body in the evening earlier in the day. Somehow lower cortisol or something.

I think I've committed to weaning off the 0.5 per day of lorazepam slowly. I'm afraid to because I am not interested in feeling worse. But I need to do it. I have a schedule that will allow me a couple of months.

dont stop writing these mate. Really comforting to see you are sooo much the same as me. Im about 2 weeks behind you, I upped my citalopragm from 20mg to 30mg at the end of January. ive had some what i would call 'normal' weeks but will then switch back to what feels like rock bottom for a week or two. Every setback feels like its here to stay for good and it gets harder to see any light at the end of the tunnel. This latest blip has been 6 days so far and im sick of it. Just want to say thanks for your posts its really comforting to read when im down.

Thank you Matthew. I really appreciate the feedback. I thought there were only a couple of people reading. It is nice to know that there are other people riding along with me.......although sad that we are all suffering from such a cruel affliction.

It is truly amazing how similar we all are and how long it takes.

I had 14 really good days in a row and now I'm on day 8 of a down blip myself. I'm also sick of it. Several times today my mind has told me that I can't do this any more. But I can. And I will.

Please come back often and chat. It helps me to speak with people who can relate to this battle.

Day 166.

Morning anxiety really bad again. Frustrating because it had gotten so muc better.

Worked until 2pm. Started to turn better by then. Went to driving range to get sun and then had a workout.

Feeling pretty good now at 6pm. Hopefully the evening brings me peace.

Hi,

So sorry you aren't seeing progress.

I was on 20mg last time and it eventually worked. The doctor started me there and the first month was absolute hell. He had told me nothing about side effects so i thought it was just me losing my mind.

This time i started at 10mg and i quit going up at 15mg because the side effects from increasing are so incredibly severe for me. Starting at 10mg was better than 20mg but still brutal. Even going to 15mg from there was really bad.

When i have bad blips i do think about increasing but i just can't do those side effects again.

So i am going to give this lots of time and try and do everything i can lifestyle wise to help myself as well.

All of that doesn't help you at all but that is what i am doing.

Hi there, thank you so much for your reply.

I guess if I really think back I have seen progress, I've had some pretty decent times, but in my head I thought I'd be having more consistent really good, normal times by now.

I get the absolute worst side effects when starting too and changing doses I am absolutely petrified about increasing.

I think im really all over the place because the last 3 days have felt like im back at square one and it makes me forget about those decent times and my brain is just telling me "it's not working right, gotta do something" Always looking for whats going to fix it. At this point the only times that really stick out to me are the bad ones, and they kinda shadow over the decent times.

Ive started journaling to track my progress better because im finding it difficult to track in my mind, everything runs together. I've decided I'm going to stick with 30mg until at least the end of summer and look at my progress and make a decision at that point.

I honestly dont want to ruin the rest of my summer dealing with the effects of increasing my dose, ill wait for winter for that i think. Or maybe I'll get lucky and things will really start to turn for the better and I'll be good on 30mg.

My family is so supportive, but they don't understand why I'm still struggling. Their thoughts are you were on 40mg for 5 years, it worked great, and basically it can't work until I up to 40 in their eyes. Some do have experience with antidepressants, but they're the lucky ones, I'm the odd one. They're good to go in 2 months with very little side effects and no dose changes.. makes me jealous. When i talk about it they cant believe how bad it is in the beginning. I'll get responses like "I've never heard of that before or are you sure its not an allergic reaction?" They don't intend to, but that kinda feeds into my "something wrong with me" thoughts.

Your response does help more than you know, even just to know im not alone and my thoughts about going past typical timeline to wait it out before changing something arent crazy and a waste of time.

Hi, same here strugling, on the same boat, yesterday was a very hard day, maybe I tougth: Im on the begining of my journey. Today is a bit better. Morning fatigue and anxiety, but afternoon and nigth are good. Praying now.

That blip will be over soon, even though your anxiety telling you different. It will gets better, trust me, and one day when it will be distant memory you will come here and will support everyone who is struggling.

Hi

yes, i have done the same, i am taking 20mg fluoxetine and decided to do not increase and i am glad i didn't. Its just need time.

Every evening when we are feeling good and full of plans for the next day, i used to write my plans for tomorrow on piece of paper, because i knew that next day when morning anxiety hits all those plans will fly out of the window. So when i had a plan written in front of me, i get myself up and follow that plan regardless how bad i am feeling. It teaches your brain to accept anxiety and dont fear of it and bring you faster to recovery.

Thats right Victor - first sign that you are recovering is evening getting better. You are on the right track 😃, you will get there.

Hi,

Have you read the posts on other threads from KatieCogs?

Those are worth reading. She is a proponent of giving the medication lots of time before increasing.

I sometimes wonder given how horrible my side effects were if that doesn't mean that i should be on a very low dose.

I also wonder if i shouldn't have tried a different SSRI. I do seem to be trending better still though so i will keep pushing.

Sorry about your continuing struggle. How similar everyone's thoughts are is really amazing.

it took me a couple of months before the evenings were good. Then i started to have good afternoons and now i can get some full days that are solid.

Common experience from people who have gotten through this is that morning anxiety is the last to go.

You and i are definitely following the same gameplan. I just keep living normally and taking my anxiety/depression with me.

I suspect it is because we have read the same books!

I have read so many of the threads on here, including tons of hers. I read everyone else's experiences and it does give me hope, but my mind always reverts to "I'm the one its not going to work for" or "what if that's true, but I'm wasting time on the wrong dose." That's the type of anxiety thoughts I have.

I was just thinking, I'm going to a parade with family today. A couple months ago I would've flat out declined, but I agreed. Honestly, I don't feel any drive to want to go, but I'm not flat out declining. That's progress I guess.

I want to want to do things without this pull not to, but I just don't and that's not me. You, or anyone else reading feel that same way?

Totally relate to the 'want to want to do things'. I feel like that's one of the hardest parts of this. But it will surely come. I'd say at this point 80% of the time I want to do things that I would typically want to do, and it keeps increasing each month. That's definitely progress that you didn't fully decline the invite. That's how it was for me too, going from 'I can't do that right now' to 'I can do it, but I don't necessarily want to' lol. So you're on the right track for sure!

"I want to want to do things without this pull not to, but I just don't and that's not me. You, or anyone else reading feel that same way?"

Absolutely yes that has been my experience. In fact a big source of anxiety for me has been worrying about what I'm going to do the next day because there is nothing that I want to do.

I feel it today. It is Saturday. I woke up at 7 (which by itself is a wonderful thing versus where I was a few months ago) and I laid in bed until 9am because I didn't know what to do with myself.

Prior to this I used to bounce out of bed, grab a coffee, enjoy that and then head to the gym or out for a run.

The anxiety is terrible. The joy that has been sucked out of my life equally bad.

But things are changing. I don't dread the mornings anymore when I'm going to sleep. I am totally myself in the evenings. I make myself go and do the usual things and for the most part I enjoy them. I play tons of golf because I want the social interaction and the sunlight. Some days I get going with negative ruminations out there that won't stop. Other days I'm really good.

Just like last time I'm gradually improving. It just takes so darn long.

And I'm totally with you on having thoughts about whether or not it is going to work this time. I never have them at night when I feel great. But I certainly have them almost every morning.

I just heard this quote about recovery that I found really helpful and encouraging, hopefully you guys find it helpful too - it was talking about how a large wound is created once we start going through all this, and the ups and downs in our recovery are like stitches, weaving in and out of the wound, ultimately tightened it over time. As discouraging as the downs are, the stitch is still being woven and the wound is getting closer to being healed. Loved that!

Please keep pushing through !! My last 3 mornings are anxiety free first time in 8 months !!! You will get there, i am living prove 😃

I am often speaking with Katecogs, she is an angel send to us to get us through this hard time, she have helped me alot, and i am following her advises and giving them to others - read book to understand anxiety, gave one dose long time and recovery takes much much longer than we think. We will get there

Hi

yes exactly what i was feeling 😃 Same thoughts - what if its not working? what if i am one of those that it wont work? do i need to increase dose? do i need to change meds? Its all anxiety 😃

And same flat feelings. It is true when i read somewhere - first you will start doing things, and just then a bit later you will feel it. Don't be scared of flat feeling, it will pass. Be patient, go every day as you would do when you are anxiety free and wait. Time and patience is the key

Day 167.

Last night I did feel great again after a not so great day.

Today anxiety wasn't bad at the start and I got progressively better all day. It was Saturday. Worked for a while in the morning, then workout, then driving range and then golfing.

I would say from noon onwards I felt pretty normal all day.

I've had almost no sugar for 4 days and am having one caffeine free soda a day.

I can't wait until how I feel in the evening is how I feel all day.

Thanks for sharing.

Have you seen the chart that shows a typical recovery from this? I don't think I can post it here because it is from a published book.

The chart goes up and to the right as you recovery but it looks like the teeth on a saw. It isn't a smooth line upwards. It jumps up and down along the road progressively higher.

That has certainly been true for me.

Congratulations on waking up with no anxiety!

My last time around I got fully well at closer to 9 months so maybe you are almost there.

I'm spending a good percentage of my time now feeling 100%. The annoying part is that when I am not feeling good it is very hard to convince myself that it is temporary.

I haven't seen that, but it totally makes sense! I made something of the same chart in my journal a while ago - dips and hills but all in an upward trend. Visualizations like that are super helpful.

That's exactly right, when you are in the middle of that "blip" you can not remember how good you feel and scared that you will stuck in this blip. We just need to push through, we will get there. By the way, they are saying that second or third time around on this meds it is always takes longer than previous time

Day 168.

This was a pretty solid day from start to finish. I had one stretch where I felt quite a bit of sadness. I was able to recognize it as being temporary and that it would go away today.

It did. I was perfect in the evening as I am almost all of the time now.

I'm ready for a long run of good days.

Day 169.

Posting this one at 5:20 pm.

This was a great day. Virtually completely normal all day. Work, then golf with my wife and her mother. Back for a swim with kids and now back to work again.

I'm so excited to feel this well. The only negative thinking was just occasional thoughts that this can't last.

I'm sure more blips are coming but to feel this good makes it impossible to believe that I'm not going to eventually be 100%.

It feels so great to have peace in my mind!!!

You just rode it out and back on top of the wave 😃 Today in afternoon i suddenly got anxious, like not feeling what i am doing or not sure what to do, butterflies in my chest. Little "demon child" anxiety is trying to scare me again.

hello, if is possible to share this file? Its a excellent tool in this process to everyone here

I have daily notes

Hi,

I'm not sure what you mean by share. But if you are asking if I mind it being shared I certainly don't mind at all.

I definitely think it is helpful for people just starting out to know that it isn't unusual for this to be incredibly difficult at the start and a painfully slow process.

I went through this completely blind last time. I had no idea that it was the citalopram side effects that were causing me so much trouble in the early months. I thought it was just my mental health continuing to deteriorate.

Day 170.

Posting this one at 6:04 pm.

Again another great day. Morning anxiety was reasonable. Worked in the morning. Then went for a walk, then a bike ride, then a swim. Now working a bit again.

Just a few wavering thoughts. Worried about being able to really enjoy things again. I used to follow several passions and they feel a bit pointless with this affliction. I trust that will lessen as I continue to improve.

Really exciting last few days.

I have today a bit "off" day, feeling on edge, ruminating , feeling a bit flat and worried i wont be enjoying things any more - just as you said.. even though i had few great days. We need more time and patience , we will get there

Sorry to hear that. You will bounce back quickly.

My good days are now starting to feel like another level of good. It is hard to explain but I can feel a happiness in my body at times like I used to.

We all just need to keep pushing through. Just keep going.

I'm sleeping so well now. 11:30 until 8am. This long, brutally painful process is working.

Day 171.

Pinch me I'm dreaming.

I woke up with very little anxiety. And then had a virtually 100% normal day. Work, then workout, then golf, then dinner at parents, then drive with parents to their friends farm and now home doing a little more work.

I felt happy today. Optimistic.

Great day. My good days are getting better. My bad days less bad and less frequent.

Hi there

Its a great news .!!!! Recovery is moving forward.

I felt a bit anxious today, but most thing that actually annoys and scares me is rumination about not getting better and don't be able enjoy things like i used before.. I am very active during day, doing things with kids, cooking, cleaning but some days- like today - i don't feel happiness from things i am doing, its like i cant feel the warmth of the sun and beauty around me - and that voice in head " oh my god, i will be like that forever and won't be able to be happy or feel calm and content.." Do you ever feel like that..? It scares me and adding to my anxiety.. I just want to feel calm and content regardless what i am doing..

Hi,

i don't feel happiness from things i am doing, its like i cant feel the warmth of the sun and beauty around me - and that voice in head " oh my god, i will be like that forever and won't be able to be happy or feel calm and content.." Do you ever feel like that..

At this point once I am doing things (golf, watching a movie, swimming with my kids, bike ride) I am able to enjoy myself.

What I do have still (and a month ago had constantly) was the worry that there isn't anything that I like to do. My brain/anxiety will tell me that everything is pointless.

But it is lessening every month. I dream of never thinking these thoughts again.

Day 172.

Another really good day. Morning anxiety very small and I can't really recall feeling anything but normal all day.

Please let it be over!

I'm so happy to hear you're on the up and up! I've been having really good days too - I'm being reminded what it's like to be in the world again instead of my head. Enjoying things, looking forward to things, feeling good things I haven't in what feels like forever... what a blessing

Thank you!

I'm happy to hear you are getting there too.

It is the strangest thing when all that we need to do to feel better is stop thinking what we are thinking.

I hope we keep improving every week.

Day 173.

Morning anxiety pretty light. Was busy day and had my head down working from 8am to 1pm non-stop.

Took a long walk. Swam. No workout. No golf.

In the afternoon and evening I got a weird headache and wasn't quite right. Not bad but thoughts creeping in about not being happy, will I ever be 100%.

I'd still call it a very good day. That is 7 in a row and most of them I've felt totally normal.

Yes i have the same feeling today morning, anxious if i will ever feel good again, it scares me. But strange that when i am not anxious - world and life looks beautiful and easy. But when anxious - i am scared of everything, and most that i wont be myself again. But yes, you right, that morning anxiety getting lighter, but still soooo annoying.

I had a good day, had headache all day, its like heavy on my eyes and hard to move my eyes, but then its gone and i felt better.

Hope you will have another good day

Day 174.

I had some morning anxiety but it eased. The rest of the day was very, very good.

It was Saturday. I didn't work. Went to the driving range. Lifted weights. Swam with my eldest. Then watched a new television series.

That is 8 really good days in a row. My sleep is just fantastic now. Fall asleep easily. No 3am wakeups. Can sleep until 7am.

Day 175.

Some morning anxiety but it eased.

The rest of the day was excellent. Sunday. Worked, then workout, then swim, then golf, then more work.

100% almost the entire day other than the start.

Day 176.

Getting pretty consistent. A little bit of morning anxiety and then a pretty solid day. Not much rumination at all.

I need to take some time to appreciate how much I've improved from just a month ago. Never mind from the horrible place I was five months ago.

How would you describe your morning anxiety? what do you feel and think? And what usually you are ruminating about?

How would you describe your morning anxiety? what do you feel and think?

I would say that I just feel like something is wrong. The thoughts vary and honestly I don't think it matters what the thoughts are since they are simply how the anxiety is showing itself.

My brain wants to be afraid so it thinks things that frighten me. Like I won't ever be fully better again. I won't enjoy things ever again. Etc.

I often ruminate about what caused this. Why was I so happy for 48 years and then suddenly with no clear trigger fell apart....

Day 177.

Very similar day again. A little bit of morning anxiety and then a solid day.

I think I had some periods where my mind tried to ruminate but the urge wasn't as strong.

That is 11 really good days in a row. Almost at the six month mark. Five months at 15mg and one month at 10mg.

Day 178.

Woke up with very, very little anxiety. Weaning off lorazepam so had only half of a 0.5 tablet.

Had some sinus pressure for most of the day which is an anxiety sign for me. Also a bit more rumination but not terrible.

I think a bit worried about the elimination of lorazepam more than anything. I have been taking 0.5 tablet once a day in the morning. Will wean down slowly since I've been taking them since late January.

Day 179.

I should have mentioned yesterday that I slept a little worse on half a lorazepam in the morning.

Took full 0.5 lorazepam this morning per weaning schedule.

It was a pretty good day. I day have a lot of automatic negative thoughts while golfing. I know what they are. It is anxiety trying to stay alive so I try and ignore them.

Got much better swimming with the kids later in the day. Evening was just fine watching a series with my youngest.

Day 180.

Another really good day. I had 0.5 lorazepam in the morning per my weaning schedule. Worked all day. After work at 3pm I had to unload and wheelbarrow 270 rolls of sod for our lawn in 30 degrees celsius. I loved it! It felt good to push my body really hard. Completely cleared my mind and I was so happy to just relax in the evening.

I need to get back to pushing myself at the gym a little more so I can feel like I'm accomplishing things.

Day 180 is six months. Wow, what a terrible journey!

First month was 10mg. Well not quite true. The first two days were 20mg and the day after I took the first dose I was lying on the ground sobbing. Plus terrifying intrusive thoughts. For the first two weeks at 10mg there was a lot more crying and extreme anxiety but the intrusive thoughts left. Then when I bumped to 15mg after a month I was hit again with severe anxiety and all kinds of sobbing. My reaction to this stuff is extreme.

I wish I had stayed at 10mg to see if that would have worked.

It makes me wonder if I should have tried a different SSRI or even tried to work through my issues without one. But now here I am six months later and doing pretty well.

I am a bit worried about stopping the lorazepam completely. I do not want to regress so I'm going to do it slowly. I have never taken more than 0.5mg in a single day so my dose has been tiny.

Other than the start of each morning I am enjoying my life again. Some day all of this pain will hopefully be a distant memory.

I will keep posting here for a long time to come. Even once I get to 100% all the time. I would have found a progress thread like this invaluable when I was starting.....especially to see someone getting better over time.

Congrats on reaching 6 months mark .!! what an achievement, its really is because i know how terrible this journey is. Its 9 months mark for me and i wished i have recorded my journey as you did - because only than we could see a result by reading out old posts.

My days are pretty good , have some thoughts come through and rumination but mornings are still troublesome. Did you experience this morning anxiety before you start medication ? because i didn't and i wondering if thats possible that meds are still giving this "morning anxiety" sideeffect till now ?

I have promissed myself to come here and support whoever needs help even when i will recover. And hope that it will be just distant memory someday. Stay strong, we can do it right ?

"Did you experience this morning anxiety before you start medication ? because i didn't and i wondering if thats possible that meds are still giving this "morning anxiety" sideeffect till now "

I had zero morning anxiety before the medication. My worst problem was brutal insomnia and I was increasingly getting depressive thoughts.

Yes we can do this. The passage of time is our best weapon. Thoughts can't hurt us, and the thoughts are becoming increasingly less frequent. We just need to keep living normally and show the anxiety that we will persevere.

This experience has taught me a lesson in empathy that I could never have learned otherwise. I had no idea that people could be suffering this bad and no idea that so many people are.

Day 181.

Morning anxiety not terrible. Took the full 0.5 lorazepam per weaning schedule. Looking forward to being done with those, it will mean another step forward.

Watched the British Open golf from 7am to 11:30. That is too long for me to sit around in the morning. Got up and went for long walk which helped.

Afternoon I didn't do much. Bit of clean up in the yard. Short swim. Then watched a series on Netflix. Evening was great as per usual.

Pretty good day. I'm starting to think that a lot of the negative thinking is just habit now more than actual anxiety/depression.

Day 182.

Morning anxiety not bad. Again 0.5 lorazepam per weaning schedule.

It was Sunday. Watched British Open in morning while doing some work. Then bike ride to mall with my eldest. Then swimming with her. Then a workout that was half cardio and half weights. Then played golf in the evening.

I felt great all day. Getting better as the day went on.

Will be half a 0.5 lorazepam tomorrow. If I can get good days while reducing that I will be relieved. Have in the back of my head that the lorazepam is still a big key to me feeling good. I want that gone.

Day 183.

Morning anxiety not bad. Half a 0.5 lorazepam per schedule. Slept fine as I have been for a long time now.

Exercised outdoors immediately in the morning. Felt great after and then felt great all day. Worked until 1:30 and then swam with my eldest and had my parents over in the afternoon.

Just a really good day. The last 17 days in a row have been good.

Day 184.

Morning anxiety worse than it has been. Full 0.5 lorazepam per schedule. Was very encouraged how yesterday went with half a 0.5. Also slept well.

Worked then workout, then golf, then swim, then more work. Got better and better all day and it was a great day overall.

Good morning everyone,

Just wanted to check in with you guys.

I have done a lot of thinking and spoke with my dr and my family. I have been on 30mg for 5 months today and my dr is strongly encouraging a change of some sort.

I have decided to up my dose. I started this morning to slowly get myself up there by cutting pills and taking 35mg for a while, maybe a week. I was previously on 40mg that worked wonderful for me and I cant get over this thought that that is where i need to be and I'm wasting my time hoping 30mg will work.

I've noticed that my days are the same, some slightly better than others, but I never have one day where I just feel good. I used to have really good evenings, but i dont have that anymore. I feel the same all day long. Things are definitely a lot better than they were 5 months ago, but I'm just not there and I feel like I'm just not making progress anymore. I feel like at this point I should at least be having normal times, maybe not consistent but at least some where i can say yep this is it. But im hoping a slight boost will get me there.

My dr has given me some lorazepam to use sparingly when i need to which im grateful for.

I've also been writing on the calendar what i take for medication each day and im noticing a trend the last month or two of needing lorazepam more than i did 3 months ago. It looks to me like i kind of peaked at 3 months and ive progressively been going downhill.

I think it is just time for me to get back up where i used to be.

I just wanted to check in and share whats going on

with you all. Some words of encouragement would be helpful as no matter what decision i make right now im always second guessing it.

Please check in and let me know how you all are doing too!!

Day 185.

Very little morning anxiety. Almost none really.

Went with half a lorazepam even though my schedule was to have a full one.

The entire day was great. I felt normal all day.

Hi,

Sorry you aren't where you want to be.

If 40 worked for you before then it makes sense to me that it would again. Be patient with yourself because the change in dose will shake things up for a bit.

It can also change for the better very quickly too. I had no hope of being this good in July and I've been really pleasantly surprised.

I'm so sorry you aren't seeing the improvement you'd like to. I think you definitely made the right decision to go up to 40mg. I was so hesitant too, but I'm seeing it's where I needed to be. Would I have eventually gotten better on just 20 or 30, probably. But I do think it would have been even slower than it's already been.

I'm thinking you'll tolerate the 40mg pretty well, especially considering you're going up slowly. I'm super sensitive to these meds, and I didn't even get side effects going from 30 to 40 at once. I'm hopeful you're going to start seeing improvements again, even if they're small. Small things turn into big things.

I've been doing very well the past week, I had some rough days prior to that but they passed fast enough. Still, it is so so hard in those moments, thinking "I should be better than this by now" and "what if this is just the way it is" etc. They are lies every time, and time will prove that - it will prove it for you as well. It won't always be this way. Everything heals. Rooting for you! Keep us updated.

Thank you,

I'm so disappointed because i didnt want to spend my whole summer dealing with this, but it is what it is.

Thats what i keep telling myself, I was on 40 before why am i messing around and dealing with 30, which is not cutting it, when 40 worked so good before. Just need to rip the band aid off and do it.

I had some pretty significant anxiety this morning in anticipation of upping my dose today. I held off taking a lorazepam as long as i could but gave in late morning. That helped a little with the anxiety, but i did notice i didnt have much for an appetite today, slight headache, shaky and sweaty hands and feet. so those side effects kicked in a bit.

I will admit I'm not feeling too bad this evening, but thats a fluke because i know thats not gonna stick.

I hope I'm one of those people that it changes for the better very quickly.

Thank you for your response and encouragement. Honestly i think i made the right decision as well. I kept going back and forth but ultimately the fact i was on 40 before led me to just do it.

I had a little trouble falling asleep last night and woke early this morning, but I did get 6 hours at least so thats decent, could be worse.

The morning anxiety is definitely higher this morning, feeling shaky and sweaty, but i guess thats to be expected.

I'm hoping I tolerate this well and it just goes smoothly and starts working quickly! I really need a break from this.

I am so happy that you are having some really good days and weeks!

Remind me again what your timeline is. how long have you been on each dose?

Of course, I'm always here to help! A little sleep interruption makes sense, I'm sure it will improve in the next few days. Morning anxiety definitely makes sense too... that's always my number 1 side effect from citalopram. I even remember it when I took it for the first time 10 years ago. It's the worst, but soon enough you'll be waking up easier.

So I started on 20mg but that was WAY too much for me to handle off the bat - went down to 10mg the next day, stayed there for about 3 weeks perhaps? Thought I could get by with just that, but it was still rough. Went up to 20mg and stayed there about 4-5 weeks, I had definitely improved but randomly I had gone super downhill and something had to be done (I had previously been on 20mg for 7 years before I got off, so I didn't think I would have to go beyond that... alas). My psych suggested 40mg, but I was hesitant so I went up to 30mg and stayed there for about 4-5 more weeks. At this point, I was doing better, but I figured 40mg couldn't hurt. I went up to 40mg and this is my 10th week on it! I'm glad I did, and my good days are getting stronger and more consistent which is lovely. I know it'll happen for you too.

Good morning,

I have to admit i slept quite well last night. 9:30-7 with one short wake up due to a storm that rolled through. But i was able to go right back to sleep.

I'm trying to decide how long i sit at 35mg. I have no intention of coasting at 35mg to see how i feel. I hated cutting pills at 30 and 35 is worse so that wont work. Plus its so close to 40 i might as well land there. I keep telling myself to rip the band aid off, but im nervous.

I was able to get a decent amount of lorazepam from my dr thank goodness, but now im getting nervous about taking them. I keep telling myself theyre as needed and i need them so take them.

Are you still taking any lorazepam?

After you got to 40mg how long did it take before you started to notice improvements?

Day 186.

Morning anxiety was not bad at all. Exercised (outside) pretty much straight away and I am finding that is definitely a positive.

Entire day was very good. I'm very excited how I'm handling the decrease in lorazepam to half a 0.5. I think I'll be off entirely within a couple of weeks. I don't want to shock my body by stopping too fast.

I haven't taken more than 0.5 on any day since the start.

I'm so glad you slept well!

My advice would be 1 week at 35mg and then up to 40mg. That should be enough time for your body to ease into it. Totally understand being nervous. My guess is it won't be as bad as you're anticipating – mine never was even though I convinced myself it would be!

I totally understand about the lorazepam. I was always afraid to take too much, but also felt like I really needed it a decent amount of the time. I was taking .5mg to sleep for about 4-5 months, and now I'm on .25mg to sleep. I don't imagine needing it much longer (if I even need it now). I'll still use a full .5mg if I feel like I need it at anytime, but that's few and far between. It helps so much though, I wouldn't worry as long as you're being mindful and not taking it excessively, which I'm sure you aren't.

I saw improvement on and off at every dosage I was at, it was mostly just frustrating that it seemed nothing would stick. That pretty much continued once I got to 40mg, but it's slowly become more and more solid after that. It's just been so non-linear, it's hard to say.

Hi there,

Thank you so much for your quick and helpful responses. It really does mean a lot to me.

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had this entire year. I felt like some real changes are happening. I was laughing again, energetic, and feeling more like myself.

I actually think I may just go to 40mg today. I really haven't noticed much for side effects besides a little bit the first day so I think I'll rip the band aid off today. I have lorazepam if I need it. Yesterday was such a good day, I may go a tad backwards by taking that extra 5, but I'm sure it won't last long and then I'll just be able to coast with no more changes.

When I'm feeling super anxious that's when I get all in my head about the lorazepam, but when I'm more clear headed I know I'm not taking it excessively and taking it just as needed as it's intended. Anxiety is such a devil, it tricks you into every worst case scenario, as you know so well.

I really do feel like this increase is what I needed and I'm kicking myself for not doing it sooner.

I know I'll still have some days that aren't so great, but that glimpse of my life back is just what I needed!

Day 187.

Morning anxiety was a little bit worse but not terrible by any stretch.

Just half a 0.5 lorazepam again. I'm actually doing better than the weaning off schedule I was going to use. Stopping those is going to be a major victory as it always nagged at me that the only reason I was getting better was the 0.5 lorazepam.

I'm not going to rush down to zero. Will keep taking half daily for a couple of weeks I think. Shocking my brain would be a big mistake I think.

If I ever try and go off citalopram I think it will be a multi-year taper down. No need to think about that for a long time though.

Hi,

I'm glad you had a great day!

I empathize with your difficulty in making a decision on whether to increase. I went with lower for longer as my strategy and it seems to have worked. I actually wish I had stayed at 10mg to see if that was enough. My side effects are so severe that it makes me think I don't need much of this medication to do the job.

I have also seen countless people on the internet who got better very quickly once they hit their correct dosage. I'm glad you aren't getting much for side effects when you increase.

Just always remember that your anxious thoughts are just your brain trying to frighten you. They are clouds drifting by and don't mean a thing.

We aren't our thoughts. We are the observer of our thoughts. Our thought machine is just a little bit broken temporarily.

It's my pleasure! What we need the most through this is other people that understand what it's like.

I am so so happy to hear you had a good day yesterday! That's amazing! I agree with you on biting the bullet and taking the 40mg - you may get a bit of side effects but they won't last long, like you said. That's what the lorazepam is for, for sure. And I think you'll see more days like yesterday in time with the 40mg. 😃

Anxiety is so convincing when you feel low. Even though I'm tons better compared to previous months, anytime I get a little blip or feel down, my anxiety convinces me it will never pass. It's wrong every time. I'm hoping August will bring less blips and even more normal days like I've had! We'll all look back on this soon as just a bad memory.

Yes absolutely, just to be able to talk about it and know the person you're talking to gets it is a relief and so helpful. My family is so supportive, but when I talk about how I'm feeling I know they don't fully understand, and there are no words to fully explain how horrible it is.

I bit the bullet and took the 40mg this morning. I'm noticing worse anxiety today, but that could be due to some real life stressors I have coming up this week and not necessarily from a side effect of the medication. I took a lorazepam so hopefully that kicks in soon. I notice it takes about 2 hours after taking a lorazepam before I can say its fully kicked in. You feel the same?

When anxiety kicks in it is so convincing and all consuming. Someone that has never been through it can never truly understand how bad it is.

I am so hopeful that August brings many great anxiety free days for all of us!! I know, like you said we'll all get through this and it will be a distant memory soon enough!

That is one of the worst parts of this process and has been a huge part of my anxiety this whole time is what dose is right for me. I'm always thinking about my dose. Yesterday i didn't question it one bit, so that tells me I'm moving in the right direction!

Yesterday was such a huge eye opener for me, but there was this little thought in my head last night that it wont last and tomorrow will be like starting all over. Today isn't like entirely starting over but a little disappointed its not quite as good as yesterday.

Your words make so much sense and are so true, but something i need to work on is not believing my anxious thoughts.

I love that:

"Our thought machine is just a little bit broken temporarily"

Same here, I'm so fortunate to have a family that is super supportive, but no one can understand it completely, especially how long it takes to heal and really feel like you've recovered.

Proud of you for taking the leap! I'm sure it will be for the best. I'm similar with the lorazepam - it seems for me if the anxiety is really bad, I feel much better around 1.5/2 hours - and then if I'm just on edge but can't shake it and decide to take one, I'll feel it kick in around an hour or so. God bless those meds lol.

Agreed, praying August is the most healing month for us all yet ❤️ 😃

Day 188.

Light morning anxiety today. I slept great. I even had some caffeine yesterday with half of my wife's coffee and one regular diet soda.

Half a 0.5 lorazepam in the morning. Not taking it because I need it, taking it to wean myself down slowly and let my brain adjust carefully.

Day was really quite fine. Had some rumination but I was able to tell myself the entire time to laugh it off. It is anxiety and that anxiety is losing the battle now.....I'm becoming me again.

I am fully able to enjoy things again. I'm not perfect but I've gone from 0% mental health when citalopram side effects hit me at the start to a solid 90% or better.

Day 189.

Morning anxiety not bad. Not zero. But not bad.

Half a 0.5 lorazepam again.

This was Sunday. Bit of work in morning, then really high intensity workout. Swim with kids and sat by the pool for the afternoon. Started getting some rumination late afternoon when reading a book. Went away when I went golfing.

Not a perfect day, but so much better than what a normal day was just a month ago.

same here, almost zero anxiety in the morning but had some ruminating yesterday and today about my health. Slight stomach issues makes me think the worst. but you are right, this day is better than month ago  We are getting there

Day 190.

First really disappointing day in three weeks. Lots of rumination all afternoon and felt some physical anxiety. Headache for much of it.

I drank a caffeinated diet soda in the morning.

That was my sixth day in a row with just half a 0.5 lorazepam. Maybe I shouldn't have been weaning down faster than planned but had been doing pretty well.

Will go back to a full 0.5 lorazepam tomorrow.

That was July 31. The month was very good to me. A bad week to start it but then three weeks where I felt pretty close to normal all of the time.

Hopefully August lets me take another step better.

It is pretty overwhelming when I realize how long this has taken. I can't believe I've made it through. Those first couple of months were beyond horrible.

Me personally finding very disheartening when after good days it hits you again.. My mornings almost anxiety free but i still have a lot rumination questioning my recovery:

is it as far as it goes?

why do i still checking for anxiety ?

why i still can not sometimes enjoy life like before.?

why i feel like i am doing things and it feels like in third person?

should i up the dose?

And also worry about health, every small pain..

Are you experiencing something like that .? its like i still cant find that calmness and content feeling..

Hi,

My ruminations are somewhat similar.

It is so ridiculous because at this point all I need to do is stop thinking about my mental health. That is my only problem....thinking about my problem.

I don't get much for physical anxiety now. A bit in the morning. Rarely any other time.

I have zero interest in upping my dose. My side effects were so extreme when I started and the one time that I increased that I just can't go through that again.

Keep being patient. You only recently stopped getting morning anxiety. That was a big step forward. Keep living. Eventually our brains will get out of these silly patterns of worrying about the same things.

Day 191.

Morning anxiety wasn't terrible. Went with a full 0.5 lorazepam in the morning as I had planned.

Day was quite good. Worked, then workout, then golf, then work, then swim, then movie with family.

Really pretty normal throughout. I'm enjoying things more now.

As I've been saying to myself all along. Just gotta keep going. Every month is better than the last. I'm pretty normal most of the time now.

Hi everyone, I had 2 weeks good, but this week is hard for me, Im feeling like first weeks on this medicine, fatigue, low mood and a bit of anxiety again, I m thinking on a Blip some experiences? advice?

week 22

Day 192.

Woke up without much anxiety. Excellent sleep.

Worked. Then walked to doctor to get prescription renewed.

Took half a lorazepam and then had second half. Wasn't a great day. Lots of rumination. Felt depressed.

Cleared up after supper. Will try not to make too much of today.

Hi,

Sorry you are having a down week.

My advice would be this. After down blips I seem to hit new highs that last longer.

So don't get discouraged. Keep going. Time is our friend.

Hi Victor

yes , its next blip 

just keep going as per usual, dont try to change anything or think why it happens. Thats the way to revovery - ups and downs . Its all normal

Day 193.

The positive. Slept like a champ again. I've been sleeping great all the time.

The negative. After half an hour in be listening to a book my anxiety was the worst it has been in a long time.

Took a full 0.5 lorazepam. Perhaps I had been weaning down too fast. Don't know. I have to keep weaning off them though.

Day was not great. Lost of rumination but it wasn't terrible. Progressively better and the evening was fine.

Disappointing because I was on such a great extended run. I will not overreact to a little down blip. This would have been an incredible day not that long ago.

Day 194.

Some anxiety in the morning. Had full 0.5 lorazepam.

Whole day was crummy. Climbed stairs outdoors for exercise. Then some work. Then biked with daughter and swim.

By supper had full on anxiety. Lack of food big contributor there and perhaps all day.

Got better after i ate supper. But it seems i am having a down blip after three really good weeks. Hopefully it ends soon and i get yet another leg higher.

Day 195.

Bad start on the day. Anxiety was strong in the morning. I had the urge to just dive for the couch and cover my head. That was how I felt for the first couple of months after starting citalopram.

Took a full 0.5 lorazepam. Day got progressively better and by mid-afternoon I was doing pretty good and felt fine in the evening.

It is amazing how quickly you forget how awful this can feel. I had three straight great weeks before this blip and the bad moments just feel so bad.

Since I've really been rating my days the sequence looks like this:

10 good days

4 mediocre days

6 terrible days

2 mediocre days

12 good days

5 mediocre days

2 terrible days

3 mediocre days

25 good or great days

4 bad or mediocre days

The progress is pretty clear. Hopefully this down blip ends quickly. I will admit to thinking that I was pretty much through with three plus weeks of good days.

I've racked my notes and I can't see anything that I'm doing that triggers the switch from good to bad blips. I maybe went down to half a lorazepam too many days in a row.

I'm hoping fairly soon to have a day where I wake up with zero anxiety. I was getting close to that on the long good stretch.

Day 196.

Another solid sleep. Anxiety pretty strong in the morning again. Took a 0.5 lorazepam.

Sunday. Had a good aggressive workout. Then swam with kids. Watched some television. Went to parents for dinner.

It wasn't a great day throughout. Plenty of rumination. It went away in the evening.

This is day 7 of a down blip after more than three weeks of feeling really good.

The last couple of down blips haven't lasted much longer than this so hopefully I turn quickly.

It is demoralizing to go backwards.

Hi there

just hang in there, it will get better. I have came to the point that i am waking up anxiety free, for almost 2-3 weeks. I am having occasional rumination during the day , but its quickly disappear. I still subconsionsly waiting for it to come back in the morning but so far it did not. We are getting there and my good/bad days schedule exactly like yours. But those bad moments getting less and less. Keep going .

Thank you for the encouragement.

I'm really happy for you that your morning anxiety is gone. I can't wait for that. I'm always so good at night that it seems impossible that I won't be good when I wake up as well.

Day 197.

Another solid sleep. Morning anxiety was bad. Took a 0.5 lorazepam.

Lots of work today. Then lifted weights and did stairs outside with a friend. I had plenty of rumination/sadness during the day. I wouldn't call it awful but it was there.

Cleared up after I ate supper. I wasn't short on food during the day so I don't know if supper helped or just the time of the day.

I felt really good all evening.

i believe it is nothing to do with whatever you eat or drink. unless its like 10 energy drinks or some other extreme diet. Those feelings are random and they will get less and less.

Day 198.

The bad blip continues. So frustrating after doing really well for three weeks.

Morning anxiety not good. Took 0.5 lorazepam. Worked, then workout, then golfed. Negative thinking for much of the golf.

Got better in the evening thankfully.

I'm still sleeping pretty well but waking up a little earlier.

My brain always tries to figure out if I've caused the bad stretch. I cut back to half a 0.5 lorazepam for 6 straight days but I seemed to handle that well. I also increased the intensity of my workouts since I was feeling good.

I don't know. Very frustrated though. I really need this bad stretch to end. Starting to feel very worn out again.

Day 199.

I'm getting really frustrated. This is day 10 of a bad stretch after more than a three week run of feeling really good.

Falling asleep no problem. Waking up about an hour earlier and morning anxiety has been bad for this whole stretch.

Worked in the morning and then went golfing. Golf was just a terrible experience. Constant negative thinking. I even had physical anxiety symptoms out there which I can't ever recall before.

Got better after getting home. Swam with wife and eldest. Then watched an HBO series and felt pretty normal.

Days like this feel so helpless. I want to do something to help myself but what am I meant to do? I just keep going. I keep living. That is what we are supposed to do and let time and the medication take care of things.

I have zero things wrong in my life. I am so blessed. Yet somehow I've got this anxiety/depression that seemingly came out of nowhere. Perhaps caused by working too hard, maybe a B12 deficiency from being vegan, maybe from running ultramarathons, maybe from repressing financial stress that happened a decade ago which I used as a motivator to put my family into a financial position that I never would have dreamt of.

We have taken that financial success and used it to help others. We support 24 kids in developed countries through a charitable organization.

I'm not working as hard now. I'm exercising sensibly and not to excess. My diet is pretty good. I focus on sleep. I spend tons of time with my loved ones. I am constantly conscious of treating the people most important to me with kindness all of the time.......and I especially don't take my bad days out on them.

This terrible experience has made me a better person and I was doing pretty well before.

I don't feel I deserve to suffer from this but that isn't how life works. I chat with a man who I met through another forum who is in his fourth time through this and he is suffering much more than me. He certainly doesn't deserve this either.

I am ready to be done though. I want this burden gone. I want peace to enjoy my family every day. I'm so tired of this. I just wish someone could tell me what to do to get better faster. I'm willing to make any kind of effort required.

Keep going. Just keep going. That is what I will do.

I can't deny huge progress since the start. 10 days ago I had a three week stretch where I was pretty convinced I was almost through. My last two bad blips lasted 12 and 10 days. This one is 10. Each bad blip is followed by another leg up that lasts longer.

Please let me be near the end of this blip and please let the next leg up be the one that turns the corner forever.

Hi there

please dont try understand what you did wrong or what you should do. There is nothing wrong, your nervous system very sensitive and its need time to recover.

i know how frustrating it is when after good time it sucks you back in and it feels like it was never good. You are going in right direction, that"s how i was at 6 montjs. But not fir last 3 weeks i start to wake up anxiety free,, i still go through some rumunation, negative thinking and feeling like i am scared and dint know what to do today BUT.. i am comparing for previous months and i see i am getting better. Not that fast as i would like to but i am progressing. I am still expecting for blip to come but i will get through it and will keep going. Everything will be ok , please believe and keep going, you are almost there

Hi i m in a similar situation month 5, so were not alone. Im waiting a new wave of good days. This week physical Symptoms of side effects are presents. Keeping the faith and praying

Keep going is right. This thing is so so hard. And it's harder when we have no clue why it is even happening. I just think it's the same as someone getting a disease with no direct cause, the brain can get sick with no one/direct cause either. Sometimes it can be a perfect storm of things, but sometimes it just stops functioning properly, just like any other organ might with no real reason. But I do know our bodies know how to heal, however slow and non-linear. It's grueling. But I believe anyone who truly wants to get through it, will. One day you look up and realize you're in a totally different, 100 times better place. Keep pushing!

Thanks for the encouragement. This is so hard.

Keep going. Thanks for commenting. It helps to not feel completely alone.

Thanks for the encouragement. I can't believe how well i felt for three weeks. I will keep going. Hopefully i turn for the better again soon.

Hope you are progressing.

Day 200.

Morning anxiety was no fun. But it did relent. Wasn't a good day but not awful.

Was very busy getting work done as we head out on a family trip tomorrow.

Day 201.

Bad morning anxiety. Up at 3:30 as we hit the road at 5am.

11 hours in the car as the family drives to the rockies for a two week trip.

When i wasn't driving i was sleeping. I have never slept like that in a car in my life. That is the good news given the insomnia i had pre citalopram.

The day was tough though. The rumination in the car before lunch was brutal. Then again before supper.

When my blood sugar gets low and the adrenaline kicks in to raise it i can get some brutal anxiety. Supper helped a lot.

Exhausting day. Predictable really, but I'm not shorting the rest of the family a vacation because my brain isn't working right.

I sure hope things turn for the better again.

yes its very hard to stumble again when you have thought its over.. happens to me every 3-4 weeks. But bad days getting lighter and not that intense. Morning unsettling anxiety gone for last 2 weeks but still have slot of rumination , hope that will go away as well. We just need time , much more time but we are getting there. keep going, stay strong

Day 202.

Morning anxiety was brutal.

We are on vacation in the rockies and once we got up and moving it gradually went away.

Not perfect but much better after we did a long hike and went for lunch.

I still can't believe how good i was doing for three weeks. It is so hard to remember during blips like this.

Day 203.

I don't know why, but this morning I woke up with a fraction of the anxiety I've had the past few days.

I went to the hotel gym and had a workout. Then we drove up to Lake Louise and did a four hour hike up into the mountains.

It was a really great day. I don't know why. I didn't change anything.

Please let this be the first of a really long run. Last good stretch was more than three weeks. Maybe this can be another leg up.....

great news, you have overcome the next blip. Keep going

Day 204.

Slept good. 10:30 to 5. Then off and on after.

Morning anxiety ok. Day was wobbly at times. Quite a bit of rumination.

Went up Sunshine village gondola. Incredibly beautiful hiking.

Had some anxiety in evening which is unusual. I will call the day mediocre.

Day 205.

Slept good. Anxiety not bad at wakeup.

Lifted weights and then we went on a hike for a couple of hours.

After eating lunch at 3pm something clicked in and i felt better than i can recall all year.

It was a great day. So hard to imagine not feeling 100% tomorrow.

Day 206.

We packed up and drove 9 hours to next vacation stop.

Woke up without much anxiety and handled the exhausting drive well too.

Trying to keep my blood sugar stable and adrenaline low. Seems to help.

I would call it a good day.

Day 206.

Had decaf coffee. Not terrible anxiety in morning.

Exploring mountains today. Had some negative thinking but it wasn't bad.

I'll call it a good day again.

Day 207.

Least morning anxiety in ages. The entire day was good and became great in the afternoon.

Still exploring the mountains but my brain was able to be present and without rumination.

I can't wait for this to be every day.

Day 209.

Morning anxiety extremely light. Still exploring the mountains and doing extremely well.

I haven't had a diet cola in three days. I don't know if that makes any difference but I'm noting it here.

I'm getting there now. Hopefully I'm done with the bad blips.

Day 210.

Woke with very little anxiety. In a hotel with the family so I'm kind of forced to lay around after waking up so I don't disturb everyone.

That generally isn't a good recipe for me but I did well today.

Once we got out and moving doing another mountain hike I felt great all day.

Really getting excited about how good I feel.

Hope everyone else is improving too.

going through bad blip from last Wednesday. Started as rumination and in next few days turned into bad crying spells. Usually in evenings i am very hopeful and full of ideas and plans, but next day BOOM .! Tears and rumination . It wipes off how good i felt days before.

I just want to be over, start thinking about meds increase. Not sure what to do

Hi Eeps

how are you doing .? Have you settled on your dose? Are you feeling better .?

i an going throught the blip right now, it makes me so weak and loosing my hope ..

Good morning,

I am so sorry you're struggling.

I am doing a lot better. When I was on 30mg I was drastically up and down. I never felt settled and normal. I started noticing I never felt 100% even for a little bit. I had better times, but still not right. Then the last month or so on 30mg I started noticing that my days were all the same, that whole "a lot better in the evening" thing that i had noticed earlier in the process had disappeared.

I made the decision to up my dose because I felt it would give me a better therapeutic response. plus i hated cutting my pills. I always had it in the back of my mind that the reason i dipped is because i didn't get my pill split exactly perfect.

I have been on 40mg for 3 weeks now. I noticed a significant improvement right away and that lasted about 4 days, not perfect, but better! Then i did dip for about 2 weeks or so with some mild side effects and the last few days have been a lot better. I expect some ups and downs yet, but this increase was the absolute right decision. I was petrified to up my dose, had to give into some lorazepam because the anxiety about upping was so bad, but I just ripped the band aid and did it. I did do a couple days of 35mg but I honestly don't think that was entirely necessary, didn't notice much difference between 35 and 40 and if anything it was better at 40mg. I was kicking myself for not upping my dose sooner, but I feel that it wasn't really a waste because the 5 months I spent on 30mg made my increase to 40mg so much smoother I'm certain about that.

When I started back on citalopram in February the side effects were so bad, no appetite, nausea, vomiting, lost 15 pounds, headaches, shaking, sweating, really bad depression, crying, anxiety was through the roof, I was afraid to drive or be alone, no sleep. I was getting a max of 2-3 hours of sleep. I was so scared by upping my dose I would get all of that back, but the side effects were minimal. I could still function, they were just slightly uncomfortable.

I've noticed that my thoughts are way more positive, I do still have morning anxiety but not any worse than it was before. I'm expecting the morning anxiety to last a while. My evening are way better than mornings, almost normal. I'm making plans and actually sticking with them, not feeling like i need to cancel. I can think and rationalize a whole lot clearer. I'm laughing more, more energy to do things. I don't feel so much in my head and foggy, I'm feeling more present in what I'm doing. Not as much dread to do those things either. I've been noticing that I will go quite a while throughout the day and not even think about it. It's not perfect yet, but I feel like this is the right dose for me and I'm looking forward to how I will feel going forward as its only been 3 weeks on my increase.

I did read you were considering a dose increase. My advice would be since you've been on your current dose for so long I would absolutely up it. I kept telling myself "more time, more time," but I was wrong, I absolutely needed the dose increase. I know one of the most difficult parts of this process is finding the right dose and knowing when to stick it out or up it, but me personally if I were in your shoes I would up it. I know everybody is different, so you need to do what you're comfortable with, but I would absolutely consider it. I always say to myself, if you're questioning it then its not right.

Sorry for rambling on!!! I really hope things start getting better for you soon!

Day 211.

Again very little anxiety in the morning.

Entire day was really very good. 100% for most of it. A little bit of rumination but I know that it is just my anxious brain trying to grab onto something scary.

This trip has gone extremely well. Today was another day hiking. Tomorrow we drive 9 hours and will be halfway home. Then one last day of hiking and follow that up with the remaining 12 hour drive home.

Hi there,

I am so glad you're enjoying your vacation with your family. And that you're on the other side of that blip.

How is tapering down the lorazepam going? Or have you stopped taking it?

Day 212.

Basically no anxiety on wakeup which was shocking given we had a ten hour drive in front of us.

Did well on the drive until the last two hours where rumination kicked in. By the time we unpacked i realized low blood sugar had caught up with me again.

After eating i was better. Low blood sugar unquestionably causes anxiety to spike for me.

Hi,

I am taking 0.5 first thing. I thought the trip might be hard enough without trying to taper.

We head back home tomorrow and i plan to phase them out.

Hopefully it won't be hard.

I hope you are improving. I can't wait until we are all through this.

Day 213.

Spent last day of trip doing a hike. Anxiety wasn't bad on wakeup. Day was ok, had some rumination. Oh and I laid down at 1:30 in the afternoon, closed my eyes and the next thing I knew it was 4:30.

Day 214.

Final big drive home. 12 hour drive. Anxiety good on wakeup. Seems to go pretty well when I wake up and have to get out of bed.

Did pretty well most of the way but by the last two hours I had non-stop rumination over what caused my anxiety, whether it will go away, when will I be able to finally just enjoy life again etc......

Didn't feel great all evening after getting home either. Just couldn't get out of my head.

I'm going to chalk that up to exhaustion from the two week trip with lots of travel. Hopefully I can get on a really good roll now that we are home.

I'm more than 7 months in now. Please just let me be back to my normal self all of the time soon. I'm feeling pretty exhausted from the fight again.

Day 215.

First morning back from trip. Anxiety on wakeup was bad. It was accompanied with a whole body depression.

I haven't had much of that in recent months thankfully.

I drove my eldest to gymnastics coaching at 8am. Then came back home and dove into the bed. Slept for a bit and then laid there with the worst depression.

Forced myself out of bed at 9:30 and then did a workout. That helped a bit. Sat down and tried to watch some golf and it came back. My youngest asked me to walk to the mall and that seemed to help.

Gradually improved into evening when I got pretty normal except for weird headache that I had all day. I took an ibuprofren and the headache went away and I felt great from 7pm on.

It is so bizarre that I can feel absolutely perfect in the evening and so horrendous in the morning.

I am so fed up with this process.

Day 216.

Morning anxiety not terrible. Day wasn't great. Lots of rumination.

It is the strangest thing how this works for me. My youngest had a big plan for us to walk to the grocery, then walk to my parents and then we would make lunch at home.

We did it. I enjoyed being with her and we talked and laughed. The whole time though I'm stuck in my head ruminating about whether I'll get better, why I'm sick to begin with, should I have tried something other than an SSRI.

Then later I swam with my eldest. Same thing. I'm laughing and joking but also stuck in my head. I just can't be fully present when I'm like this and I hate it!

By 7pm it had all lifted and I felt great all night. I watched a series on HBO. I took my parents and my oldest for ice cream at the place my youngest was working. I then picked my youngest up from work at 10pm.

As I went to bed I told my wife that it is impossible to believe with how good I feel that I will wake up once again anxious over nothing. I actually didn't believe that I could wake up anxious.

When I am normal I feel 100% like myself. Always at night. Sometimes I get there in the afternoon. Even some mornings I'm there.

But when I wake up I feel so, so, so helpless. My life could not have been easier and my current life situation could not be better. Yet I still struggle with this.

As I always say......if I knew for certain that eventually I would get back to 100% then I could handle this so much better. The uncertainty of a full recovery is the worst part.

I will keep going. But man I'm feeling really frustrated to still be dealing with this and unable to do anything other than let time pass to try and get better.

Hi,

How are you feeling now?

I was just reading through your side effects when you started. It sounds a lot like me. It literally sent me to the couch sobbing on a regular basis and the anxiety was unspeakably bad. I felt it starting at 10mg and again when I increased to 15mg.

I'm shocked that you jumped from 30mg to 40mg and didn't have much for side effects given how bad you had them at the start.

I'm really glad the jump has worked for you. It was a brave decision!

I don't think I could even bring myself to go to 20mg.

Hi,

I think I saw you post an encouraging note on another thread.

It sounds like you are now feeling really great?

When did it really turn for the better for you?

Congratulations. I'm really happy for you!!

Hi there!

Yes, I did, and yes I am! It feels like it kind of came out of nowhere - I was having my usual ups and downs, and actually, one day I got some hard news about a family member and I was so worried that it would shake my mental state. But surprisingly, that week I felt super stable. It was like I could feel the meds doing exactly what they should. As time went on, I continued feeling not just stable but super normal, and have since. Ever since I started the meds, every month was a bit better than the previous - but this month has been better by miles, no comparison. It just goes to show how time is our greatest ally in this. I imagine with even more time, I'll feel even farther from that suffering than I even do know. And I know you will too. Keep doing what you're doing, zone in on all the progress you've made, and this will be behind you soon enough. This struggle will not always be here.

I am actually doing quite well, not perfect, but I am noticing a lot of subtle differences. I've taken a small set back the last day or two but im blaming that on a nasty virus im fighting off right now.

I honestly believe the only reason I had such minor side effects with the increase is because I had been on 30mg for 5 months already. 40mg is a high dose and theres no way I couldve handled that if i jumped without some settling time.

When i started on 10mg in February it was like hell on earth, then upping to 20mg a short time after was reliving that hell, so thats why in my mind the only logical explanation gor the diffetence this time is the amount of time between the dose increase.

I noticed very little side effects which I am so thankful for. Of course it needs more time to fully work, but at least i ddint take that extreme dip backwards i was expecting.

With the ups and downs you are experiencing do you ever think about increasing?

For so long i refused to up my dose even though I had been on 40 in the past. Now I'm kicking myself for not doing it at least a little sooner.

What i was feeling before I upped was just this feeling of never being settled. Morning anxiety was always there, reluctant to make plans because I never knew how I was going to feel that day. Just a lot of unknown because my days were never the same.

I know youve had some good times but are also still struggling. I wonder if since you've been on 15mg for so long a small increase wouldnt be too bad, just maybe thats what you need to achieve that consistency?

That is wonderful! I'm so happy for you.

You were taking lorazepam to sleep weren't you? Off of that or have you reduced?

I'm so paranoid about rocking the boat by stopping completely but I also badly want to be off of them.

Thank you for the comments. I'm glad you are doing better.

Yes when I have blips I think about going to 20. I also think about going to 10! And sometimes I think about quitting citalopram entirely!

My side effects were so bad when I started at 10 and when I went to 15. I had brutal insomnia before starting and was dealing with some anxiety/depression. Once I started citalopram I had crippling anxiety and depression immediately.

I never had any morning anxiety before citalopram and it was beyond horrific once on it and is still present every day.

So I'm terrified to increase further.

The month of July was very good for me. August was hit and miss but I wonder if my trip set me back somewhat.

I am completely fed up with this though. As we all are.

Day 217.

Slept well. Morning anxiety wasn't terrible but most of the day was. Just rumination in a terrible circle all day until the evening.

I cut back to half a 0.5 lorazepam. I promised myself I'd follow my weaning schedule once I got back from our trip and that is what I'm going to do.

I don't doubt that had an influence on my bad day.

Thank you so much! ❤️ Yes, I was on .5mg lorazepam per night for about 6 months - sometimes .5mg during the day too, in the beginning. Now I'm at 1/4 of the .5mg pill per night for weaning purposes (not cuz I feel like I actually need it) - so that's like .125mg? Barely anthing! There's still a night every so often where I'll feel a little wound up and I'll take .25mg and that does the trick.

I totally get the hesitancy to wean. You're on a very small dose like I was, so don't feel in a rush to go down. I waited until I was feeling much more stable. Once you get there it, it shouldn't make much of a difference - we tend to overthink it when realistically it won't make or break you.

Thank you for the reply.

Congrats on getting back to sleeping without it.

I've talked to two doctors and then look at me like I'm crazy when I ask about weaning off it. They seem to think one 0.5 per day as trivial that can easily be gotten off of.

My wife has encouraged me not to rush either. But it does gnaw away at me and makes me wonder how I really would be doing without it.

Oh yes, I absolutely understand the whole "what do I do" thoughts. That's one of the hardest parts of this process.

I was absolutely petrified to go up to 40mg, I actually went to 35mg for a couple of days first.

I had a panic attack about upping my dose when it came time to actually increase it.I had to give into lorazepam, and thats when i knew i actually had to up it. If I was having panic attacks still after that long, over a dose change it definitely wasnt right. That's one thing I always tell myself, if after a while I'm still questioning it then its not right.

But 35mg wasn't so bad so i ripped the band-aid off and went to 40mg. Noticed a slight difference for the better right away.

I totally understand where you're coming from with the side effects, I wanted to quit so many times, but I knew I had to get through it because I would never get to the good part of the meds if i gave up. I am so thankful the side effects were so minimal with my increase, and ya never know it may be the same for you if you decide to increase. I never would've guessed that i could ever make a change without the severe side effects because they were so bad in the beginning, I thought I was going to die.

I was in your shoes, trust me, but increasing to 40mg was the best move I've made so far throughout this mess.

I would definitely consider it. I know you're scared and reluctant, but it could be the best move you make.

Have you spoke with your doctor about this?

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

I haven't spoken to the doctor about it. Honestly, I did so well in July and during my trip in August that I felt I was on the right track. And also honestly, I think he wouldn't be able to provide the correct answer......I don't think anyone really knows for sure.

I'm just so tired of these blips.

I'm glad the increase has worked for you. I've had stretches of feeling wonderful. I honestly think I'm probably good for more time than I even realize because I don't really notice it when things are going well.

Your lack of side effects definitely makes me more interested in increasing. I also felt like I was literally going to die at the start so maybe we react similarly.

Day 218.

Writing this one at 745pm.

Woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. First sleep trouble in ages. Took my 0.5 lorazepam then. Got a little more sleep.

Morning was rough. Strong anxiety. Sad. Worked from 8 til noon and then went golfing. Had fun out there but my brain was constantly ruminating. It is bizarre how I can be so stuck in my mind but actually having fun.

Got home 430ish. Joined family for swim. By 530 I felt really good. After swim had some additional work to do and I felt 100% this entire time.

It is just impossible to believe that I can feel this good at night and have my brain so out of control earlier in the day.

Hopefully my sleep goes back to normal tonight and tomorrow is a better day.

I keep living like there is nothing wrong. I will keep living until there is nothing wrong.

'I keep living like there is nothing wrong. I will keep living until there is nothing wrong.' Love that! And so it will be.

And yeah, about the lorazepam, try not to sweat it. I remember thinking if I didn't intentionally try to wean earlier than later, I'd just feel like I'd always need it. It wasn't true, there just came a time where I didn't even think about taking it - I was too invested in just living my life.

Yesterday woke up with terrible anxiety just like at the beginning of taking medication. Honestly was thinking i am going crazy. Very scared. Sad. Hopeless. tears.

my GP getting for me appointment with phsyhiatrist to discuss my long recovery and set backs. She actually thinking i should try taking 20mg in morning and 20mg in evening to try and balance that morning anxiety.

I think our recovery is so identical because dose might be too low.

Anyway, i will meet with phsyhiatrist and see what he can suggest.

hi emma,

I am so excited that you are feeling so good and back to normal!

I would like to know how long you were on 40mg before you felt just normal all the time?

I have been on 40mg for 4 weeks, in my 5th week now, and I absolutely believe the increase was right for me, I noticed improvements right away, but i don't feel entirely normal yet. And I'm just kind of sick of waiting. I've taken a dip this week due to either being in the 5th week which I've read is a blip week, or the fact that I'm fighting some sort of virus right now.

And has the morning anxiety entirely disappeared for you? I've read that's the last to go.

I am so sorry you are feeling terrible, especially after all this time suffering. I am glad your doctor is getting you in with a psychiatrist, hopefully you don't have to wait long for an appointment.

I have always questioned my dose throughout this whole process, but not really once I got to 40mg.

I read this article once and a psychiatrist was speaking about antidepressants and the rates of success and he stated that one of the biggest reasons why people don't find success with antidepressants is simply they're not taking a high enough dose. And psychiatrists will even go above what's considered the max dose to find success, where physicians will not usually.

I have never heard of taking 2 doses in one day? I wonder what the difference would be between taking 2 separate doses and just taking one 40mg dose as their half life is longer than 24 hours. When you speak with your psychiatrist I'd be interested to know what he/she has to say about that dosing idea.

I truly am sorry you're suffering, but I'm here if you need to chat and I hope you get answers quick!!

Good morning,

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with the blips.

Have you thought more about increasing your dose?

Based on my opinion only, not a dr, not in your shoes, but just an outsider reading all of your posts, I believe you need a dose increase. The 15mg is definitely doing something for you as you've had good times, but it just sounds like maybe you need a little boost to get exactly where you want to be consistently.

I know its a big struggle to figure out exactly what to do especially when you have the anxiety playing tricks with your mind.

Have you been able to go one day throughout this process without thinking about it yet?

I hope today is a better day for you.

Day 219.

I've started waking up a bit earlier. I don't like that I had been sleeping incredibly well.

Had some morning anxiety but it wasn't terrible. Worked, then walked, then lifted weights. Was pretty normal through all of this. Went golfing and was pretty normal out there too. Then came home and swam with the family and then we watched a series. I was fantastic, absolutely 100% from 5pm on. And pretty good all day.

Successful day. I'm ready for taking another big step forwards.

Thank you.

Are you feeling 100% all of the time?

I'm so sorry you are struggling like this. It sounded like you were really doing well a couple of weeks ago.

I hope it turns quickly for you.

Hi,

I had a really good day yesterday. I am really hesitant about increasing because the side effects were so incredibly bad when I started at 10 and raised to 15.

I was completely unable to function. Lying on the couch in a ball for weeks after each change in dosage. Terrible inconsolable crying spells where I literally believed I was about to die. I could not even watch a television program. All I could do was lay there and hold my head.

In retrospect I should have stopped the citalopram and tried something else given the severity of the side effects. I was nothing like that before I started it. I had terrible insomnia and periods of unhappy thinking.

I'm not perfect yet but I am perfect for half to three quarters of most days. Still have a couple of bad days here and there. If I can be perfect for half to three quarters of most days I think I will eventually get there.

And I'm definitely trending in the right direction. February was awful, March was awful, April was less awful, May started seeing some good stretches, June I had multiple day runs of good days, July was quite good for almost all of the month, August I did pretty well given the big vacation I took on.

If I can get the morning anxiety to go I'll be in a very good place. Getting hit with that every day is so disappointing after feeling happiness and joy when going to bed.

It took me 9 months last time to really feel back to myself. I'm still a couple of months away from that.

But no. I certainly don't have any days where I don't think of it. I'm still in such disbelief that my life turned into this after 48 years with no hint of anxiety or depression and no trigger to cause it. I have the luckiest life of anyone I know so this sudden chemical problem is something i can't help but try and figure out a cause of.

The past few days I've felt a bit weepy/sad, but nothing crazy. Today I'd say I'm like 95%. It hasn't made me freak out like blips in the past, or discouraged me too much. I think it's important to remember that we're not only healing from our mental unbalances that the medication is aiding, but the separate trauma of enduring the worst parts of it as well. Like healing from external trauma, it's going to take time for those memories to not be so visceral. Same for the internal trauma we've experienced. This is where the passage of time is so key and healing in and of itself ❤️

Hi there, thank you so much!! There is really nothing better than being good mentally... that's something you definitely learn thoughout this lol. It's all anyone can really ask for.

So honestly it took about 3 months on 40mg I think. As I just mentioned in another post, I've been a bit more down than normal the last few days but nothing crazy. It hasn't made me feel like I'm regressing or that it won't pass like previous blips. Still just the natural part of healing. I'm sure the virus has an impact - your body is working so hard as it is, and now it has to work even harder!

I actually haven't had morning anxiety in a long time! Honestly maybe like 2 months ago was the last I had it? Maybe longer!

Day 220.

Again woke earlier than I have been. Likely 1.5 hours too early. Took the lorazepam then and fell back asleep.

Anxiety medium in the morning. Worked then golfed with wife. Had low mood golfing that lifted by the end. We then swam with kids and I was good then. Had some visitors at the pool after that and I was totally normal. Rest of evening was great.

I do spend a lot of time at 100% these days. It makes the morning part harder I think because it is such a disappointment every day.

Toying with the idea of quitting one of my jobs. I used to work three and I cut it down to two because I realized stress may have caused my issues. As a contractor working from home I've been able to take multiple gigs because you can be so efficient without distractions of an office.

We don't need the money. But it is a great job with great people. I'd hate to give it up and then regret it............but if it made my mental health better why in the world wouldn't I give it up?

My wife fully supports me doing it. I killed myself for 15 years working literally 52 weeks a year and 6 days a week setting our family up with a financial position that I can't believe we reached.

Gosh when I write that it becomes more obvious why my nervous system likely collapsed on me.

I think it might be time.

Day 221.

Wakeup a bit too early. Morning anxiety there but not atrocious.

Worked and then went for a walk. Then family watched a series for about three hours during which I felt kind of sad.

I think I needed to move my body more. Went to the grocery and made dinner with my eldest. Felt pretty good then. Then we went for bike ride and I came back 100%.

Rest of evening was just fine.

Day 222.

Wakeup a little too early. Morning anxiety very light.

Worked, walked, workout, golf, swam and then watched series with family.

It was a spectacular day. rumination completely left me on golf course. felt like myself.

I get to be fully myself every night. This time it was almost all day. I felt real confidence that this is where I'm going to get to eventually all of the time.

Wakeup a little too early. Morning anxiety very light.

Worked, walked, bike ride, swim, then late golf.

Was pretty good all day and became spectacular again during golf.

I am feeling very normal a lot of the time now. I just need my brain to stop wanting to worry that I might not feel normal.

For me. The recovery has been just what the books laid out. A gradual improvement that has lots of slips backwards. Time has been the key. Patience has been the key. Unfortunately while I was being patient I had to endure a lot of really awful days and weeks.

Honestly the path is so similar to how it went last time. Even the timing of everything is pretty close to the same. Last time I came of the citalopram way to soon. This time I'm not even going to consider that for at least a full year and if I do I will only reduce slowly over a period of years.

But if I'm feeling great I may not come off at all. I'm getting ahead of myself though.

I'm getting very excited now. Hope everyone reading is also continuing to progress.

Day 224.

Woke up a little too early. Not much anxiety though.

I worked in the morning, then workout, then bike ride, then afternoon of swimming. Had my parents over for dinner and then watched a series with the family in the evening.

It was a pretty solid day. A bit of a slip around dinner (rumination on whether I'll get better or if I like to do anything) which is often a sign I need to eat. Great evening as per always.

Still feeling excited about where I'm at.

Day 225.

What a sleep. Woke up at 7:30. Almost zero morning anxiety.

Did some work, met friend for workout on outdoor stairs, lifted weights, went for bike ride, swam with family and was really great through it all. We watched a series again in the evening.

I'm really feeling like I'm over the hump now. My mind is just so much more calm.

Feeling lots of joy. Enjoying things I'm supposed to enjoy. The last thing to go is the morning anxiety and it feels like it is finally ending!

Day 226.

Another great sleep. 11:30 to 6:30.

Worked then went to the gym for the first time since January. I have a nice gym in my garage that I've been using but my membership at the public gym had been on hold and is now active again so I went and used it.

Morning anxiety virtually non-existent. I had a couple of sad stretches during the day but they passed and I was otherwise very good.

Day was work, gym, bike ride, swim, work, parents for supper and then watched a series with the family.

Great day. Lots of joy. Lots of happy. If this morning anxiety can be gone I'm pretty much there! So exciting!!!

Day 227 and 228.

Back to back really good days. Morning anxiety was barely there.

Just normal pretty much all day.

Since yesterday i have increased my dose from 20 to 40, i think its about time..

Hopefully it will give me that balance i am missing..

Good luck.

I hope it gets you to where you need to be.

Day 229.

I've got a week now where morning anxiety is basically nothing.

Yesterday I felt some sadness during the afternoon. It is strange, I feel it in my body while my mind knows that I'm not really sad.

I plodded on through it and by 4pm it left completely.

I don't feel like I'm far from being fully recovered. I spend a lot more time feeling completely normal than I do feeling off now. My brain just needs to get out of the habitual line of thinking that it was stuck in.

Still very excited about how close I feel to the end.

Day 230.

I think I'm going to take a pause from posting these. I'm feeling good. Morning anxiety is mostly gone.

At this point I just need to stop thinking about the issue. Stop thinking about how I feel because I feel pretty good.

It has been a long and painful road. I don't know how I got through the first few months on Citalopram. My side effects were beyond horrible. I likely should have stopped and tried a different SSRI.

But it has gotten me most of the way there. Time was the key. Taking the punishment and slogging through.

I may come back to posting but for now I'm taking a break and trying to think about how I feel less and live more.

Good luck to everyone reading. This is a cruel affliction but you can beat it with patience.

Well.

I'm back sadly. The past six weeks have been a mixed bag.

14 days really good

8 days not good

13 days really good

11 days not good

8 days really good

5 days not good

My good stretches have been basically perfect. To the point where I feel cured each time. I've been able to enjoy my life. And always good in the evenings no matter how the day goes.

The last two bad stretches though have been rough. Much worse than I've had in a long time.

After talking with quite a few people on this forum, my wife, doctor, I have decided to increase from 15mg to 20mg.

If you will recall my start-up side effects at 10mg were horrific. As was the increase from 10mg to 15mg after one month. The people I've talked to who had terrible initial side effects have found that when they increase several months in that it is much, much easier.

So I'm counting on that!

I'll be doing daily recaps again. Would love to chat with people. Especially those that have taken a similar path and got themselves over the top with a final increase.

I was trying to let time fix me and it was working. But experiences of others convinced me this little increase was worth a try.

Please let this work.

ive followed your whole journey and think you have done so amazing.

i am currently back with anxiety after reducing my citalorpam, have been back on original dose for 3 weeks and anxiety has been awful

im on this journey with you, i hope today is a good day for you

Thank you for stopping by to comment.

I have endured. I will give myself that.

Let's get this journey through to the end where we are all feeling like our true selves!

Sorry to hear that you are suffering. It is such an awful way to live.

How long were you on your original dose?

What was the dose? How much did you reduce? Why did you reduce.

Day 284.

I've increased 15mg to 20mg.

Took the increase at 8am as always. I was anxious in morning because I am terrified of the side effects.

Afternoon was actually extremely good. Went to gym and felt 100%.

The evening I wasn't as good as a I normally am. Ruminating. Not happy. As background I've been perfect in the evenings now for as long as I can remember. Perfect as in fully me. Happy, joyful, enjoying life.

Not a terrible first day on an increase though. When I started I was on the ground sobbing within 24 hours. My side effects came on very quickly when starting so if I can make it through the first few days with no major problems then that will be a big relief.

Complicating things now is that almost immediately after increasing I have developed a cold or perhaps Covid. I'm going to test right away to see what it is.

I should talk about this decision to increase for my own benefit. Since I stopped doing these updates roughly six weeks ago I've actually had some incredibly good stretches. As in perfect all day with almost no morning anxiety.

What has prompted the increase is that my last two blips down (which seem to last about a week) were worse than I've had in quite some time. One included a sobbing breakdown which I hadn't had since May. Some trouble sleeping as well. But the nights were still fine.

What convinced me to increase was talking to several people who also had horrific side effects at start-up but did not have bad side effects when they increased several months into the process. And of course with their increase they also got a lot better.

Hello

i was on 10mg and felt well (had severe anxiety 2 years ago) made a full recovery and got on with life.

4 weeks ago started to reduce under no supervision and after 2.5 weeks started with withdrawals, so i started back on 10mg 3 weeks ago and now im on the anxiety recovery journey again.

it will make us stronger, how are you?

I'm sorry that you couldn't get off easily. I've read a bit about how incredibly slow you have to wean off. At this point weaning off doesn't matter to me......I just want to be fully back to myself.

I'm working on an increase from 15mg to 20mg.

I am on day 3 and the side effects haven't been disastrous yet.

Day 285.

Second day of increase. My sleep wasn't terrible. Slept from 11 to 1:15 then took a quarter sleeping pill. Slept until 6am. Then off and on for a while afterwards.

Should note that I have come down with a bad cold or perhaps covid. Still testing negative but feel pretty rotten.

Anxiety was bad to start but lightened. Went to gym and when I got home I hit the couch and had a hard time moving. Took a 0.5 lorazepam.

Went to watch my Mom sing in a harmony choir. Had a great time there seeing her so full of joy.

Home at 4pm and spent the rest of the day content on the couch watching a crossfit event.

Considering I increased it was not a disaster of a day by any means. When I started at 10 and when I increased to 15 i would have been sobbing on the couch today.

Day 286.

Third day of increase from 15mg to 20mg.

Good sleep. Had a night time cold medication. Sleep like a rock from 10:00 to 4:30. Then got some more sleep after.

Morning was rough. Anxious. Then laid on the couch watching television. Felt really down. Wife forced me to go for a walk then I walked my daughter over to my parents and felt considerably better afterwards.

Evening was pretty good too.

I wouldn't say I've been doing great but the increase hasn't destroyed me like the start up and increase from 10 to 15 which I did at one month.

Day 287.

Fourth day of increase from 15mg to 20mg.

Slept quite well. 10:30 to 6:30. Only one wakeup.

Morning anxiety was bad. After I got the kids to school I collapsed to the couch. Felt depressed. Couldn't move for a couple of hours. Slept for some of it.

Had to get up to pick up kids at lunch and my day turned for the better then. Afternoon was pretty good and so was the evening.

Not a great day by any stretch but not a disaster. The increase hasn't laid me out like I thought it might. I look forward to seeing some benefit from the higher dose.

Day 288.

Fifth day of increase from 15mg to 20mg.

Slept pretty well. Morning anxiety wasn't terrible.

I worked then went to the gym. Got kids at lunch and then after dropping them back at school walked to the grocery store. I was pretty good through all of this. Minor rumination but not distressing.

Did some more work after getting the kids after school. Then we all handed out candy for Halloween in the evening. We had 150 kids and then had to shut off the lights at 7:45 because we ran out of candy!

I got to 100% in the evening. It felt great.

This increase has been much easier than expected. I can't wait to start to feel the benefits from it. I suppose that won't happen until two or three weeks at the earliest.

I've also been sick with a non-Covid cold for 5 days and I think that may have made me mentally worse as well.

Day 289.

Sixth day of increase from 15mg to 20mg.

Slept great. Solid uninterrupted sleep.

Morning anxiety not terrible. Did a workout on stairs outdoors. Then drove to the cabin to shut it down for the year.

I was pretty good all day. Biggest problem was that I was really tired by 3pm. I would suspect that is a side effect. I did fine in the evening. Again very tired but mentally pretty much 100%.

I don't expect to get much benefit from the increase for a couple of weeks. So I'd call this day a success since it really wasn't bad at all. I think I'm actually sleeping considerably better the last few nights. I expected the opposite of that.

Day 290.

Seventh day of increase from 15mg to 20mg.

Another terrific sleep. Uninterrupted for almost 7 hours. I never do that.

Woke with anxiety but not terrible. Went to gym in morning and then worked. After lunch worked and then went for walk outside.

The entire day was pretty good. I was thinking about my issue but not in an uncontrolled ruminating sort of way. The evening was good.

This increase has definitely gone much easier than I would have expected. Now I really hope it starts to push me over the top to full recovery where I start waking up anxiety free.