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Trying to understand

Posted , 8 users are following.

amy38647
amy38647

So my partner has had his prostate removed over 9 months ago and he has obviously been through a tough time and I am really trying to be patient and understanding with him but he seems to be building a wall. I guess I am trying to ask for advice on helping him to feel better about his slow going progress......to me It doesn't matter because the cancer is gone and he is physically healthy but I know he is going through many emotional and mentally emotions...just asking for advice.

0 likes, 17 replies

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  • Pepasan
    Pepasan amy38647

    Posted

    The main thing I can suggest is to find a time and place where he is willing to start letting you know how he is feeling and what might be pre-occupying him. A walk in the country or maybe a relaxing drive does this for me. Away from other distractions and general 'noise'. He needs to feel emotionally safe with you to let you know what might be bothering him. Questionning is often counter-productive. Sometimes it's better to 'model' sharing what's going on for you. That's if he's in a position to be able to listen. There's a technique called 'The Action/Feeling Statement' published by Claude Steiner, an experienced US psychological writer and therapist. Search Emotional Literacy and his name. If you can get your partner's attention first by checking if he's ready to hear you , that prepares the ground. The action / feeling statement would then run along the lines of  'When you.... don't talk to me about what is bothering you, I feel ....sad and distant and unable to make contact with you. This upsets me and I feel helpless to be a good partner for you'. I wish you would tell me more what you are experiencing inside after your operation. If he 'gets' that bit, you may then be able to invite him to tell you what's in his heart and on his mind. It's important, however, not to let his reluctance become a focus of criticism, however frustrating you may find it. He won't 'open up' until he's ready. The prostate is at the core of our physical masculinity. Some men take it very badly when such an intimate part and function is no longer how it should be. A parallel, I imagine, is a woman having a mastectomy. The difference being it's less visible, maybe.

    • RichardKen
      RichardKen Pepasan

      Posted

      First rate reply. My partner shared in the whole process and this made it much easier for me.

      Cheers Richard

  • romneyj
    romneyj amy38647

    Posted

    I agree entirely with Pepasan. I brought my partner in almost before the beginning so she could share in all decision making. Had I left her out at that stage it would have become harder and harder to bring her in and to catch her up on all the issues. The only way to remedy that is to begin to understand how it feels from her angle and to be gently brought into sharing.
    • amy38647
      amy38647 romneyj

      Posted

      Thank you for your input. I tried to sit down and open up a conversation with my boyfriend. We have been together for about 9 years so I thought we could be open enough with each other about anything however the minute I try to talk to him the wall goes up and he doesn't want to hear me. He did however admit he is not the same as he was before the surgery, and of course he is not and I expected that, but I never expected him to tell me that he doesn't feel as close to me now as he did then. I am sure it is because of the sexual function is not there. We have been able to have sex one time and he said it was different but satisfying to him and as it was for me. He is just pushing me away and I believe it is because of the ED, and when i try to encourage him to use the pump or talk to the Dr about a new pill he just gets discouraged about it. I know he is frustrated but I wish he would let me in to help. I want to thank you for your input.

    • RichardKen
      RichardKen amy38647

      Posted

      Dear Amy

      I really do feel for you and understand to a certain extent his position having recently recovered from Prostrate cancer however surely he can still enjoy intimate cuddles with you as this will provide some level of reassurance to you both and you can gently build on this.

      All the very best Richard

    • amy38647
      amy38647 RichardKen

      Posted

      We do enjoy our time together very much, but after our time it seems like he shuts down to me and his whole attitude is much different to me. I understand his frustration and I have talked with him about how I enjoy our time together and I try to make sure he knows that he satisfies my needs. I may just have to wait it out and let him come to me when he is ready I do not know but it does take a toll on my heart.
    • RichardKen
      RichardKen amy38647

      Posted

      Dear Amy

      I'm sure he feels vulnerable and a bit inadequate.

      Cheers Richard

    • romneyj
      romneyj amy38647

      Posted

      I hate sex using a the vacuum device/rubber ring method, hence looking for a different option (and finding a great one!). Bear in mind that he may have sait it was satisfying but in reality it/he did not feel so good.

      I do hope you manage to get through to him. For sure, sex for me became the huge issue and still is and it is something I work on every day without fail. If you have given up on it the issue won't go away and may indeed become bigger.

  • richard98806
    richard98806 amy38647

    Posted

    What is the slow going process?  Erectile dysfunction? Urinary incontinence? Total confidence cancer is gone?

    How old is he?

    Pepesan advice is excellent.

    Search through blogs that are available, ie; National Cancer Institute (NCI) American Cancer Association (ACA) and Johns hopkins Brady institute.

    Be patient, let him breath, be there for him.  Stay positive.  Cancer gone?-Life is good

    • amy38647
      amy38647 richard98806

      Posted

      I am here for him. He is 57. He is really upset with the sexual function. I have tried to engage in conversations with him but he has a wall up. We are very close and intimate however he feels less of a man because of the ED, and I have tried to reassure him that I love him for him and i am willing to work with him in trying pumps, shots, and pills.......
    • romneyj
      romneyj amy38647

      Posted

      It is important to get oxyination to the corpus cavernosa (in the penis) as soon as possible after the op and to maintain that on a daily basis. This can be done with daily cialis and vacuum devices. I have still found that erectile function, whilst just good enough for penetration lasts for a few minutes only but using Caverject (a prostaglandin E2 injection into the penis) I get a 2 hr very rigid erection - easily as goos as before. If things are left too long fibrosis (due to insufficient oxygenisation) becomes a problem and venous leakage becomes inevitable (ie the blood used to maintain the erection leaks away). If caverject does not work then very often TriMix or Quad-Mix will work. It is worth persuing and important to do so as soon as possible. Please feel free to PM me if you want more information.
    • RichardKen
      RichardKen amy38647

      Posted

      Dear Amy

      You sound like a very caring person so he is a very lucky chap! Time can be a great healer so hang in there.

      Cheers Richard

  • joeven
    joeven amy38647

    Posted

    Hi

    Its fairly obvious that this episode has frightened the life out of him, he's gone into a shell frightened that it may come back, he has a lot of things going through his head right now of what could have been, instead of his treatment has gone well and all is good. 

    Show him this I am a Gleason 10 stage T4 with incurable PC, but I cannot wait every day when my wife comes home from work to be with her. I do chores galore and just love the thought of being with my wife, I get sad but I carry on.

    your partner will snap out of this its happened to him and he was treated and all was successful, just chat with him any subject one he likes maybe start the ball rolling, avoid the PC talk and maybe he will come round.

    best of luck

    joe

  • barney34567
    barney34567 amy38647

    Posted

    Most of the replies here are great.

    I can make only one suggestion.

    Because you two are in a relationship, your partner needs to open up. To someone.

    I don't buy the "in time he will open up" arguement. I lean towards the fact that he isn't opening up to you, maybe it's that he would prefer to open up to a stranger such as a psychologist. I know I would if I shut down, which I neve did.

    I think the sooner he decided to whom he will open up the better. You don't want to be in a position where depression sets in, because that'll be another complication. Solveable yes, but a complication nonetheless.

    • RichardKen
      RichardKen barney34567

      Posted

      I completely agree with you. The longer this situation continues the more difficult a solution becomes.

      Cheers Richard

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