Unreasonably behaviour from a depressed spouse? ?
Posted , 9 users are following.
Hello!
Apologies in advance for a long story. My relationship has been really good for many years and although we had problems, like in any relationships, these never severely impacted us and we were able to resolve them. My now husband of a few months has developed depressions, quite severe, although he is able to go to work etc but I think it's slowly burning him out. We have relationship difficulties as well (prior to depression) which didn't help. Additionally, I have low self esteem and I am quite insecure on top of some anxiety.
As a 'coping mechanism' my husband keeps going away (over a week at a time) over the last 2 months to visit some friends. However there is limited communication while he is away and this is meant to be 'helping him sort his toughts'. He was always an amazing partner prior to all of this and it currently seems like he wants a life he cannot have (almost a single life).
My problems are:
- a severe change in his personality but to a point when I message something really important and he doesn't even acknowledge it.
- inability to do anything with me and being very withdrawn but going away and going to all sorts of various events, bars, day trips etc with his mates
- when we are together he is constantly on his phone, mostly chatting to other people.
- he recognises he is depressed but won't seek help, he thinks he can get better by himself
So my dilemmas are:
- is this behaviour unreasonable for someone with depression and is he just using it as an excuse to go away and have fun with his mates... like I said he is very different with me than he is when he goes away (from his stories).
- whenever I question him about it or get annoyed about this behaviour he just keeps saying I don't understand he is depressed and I am not supporting him but make all of his problems about me.
- I feel like I have no support in him whatsoever and I am left to do all the chores, bills, diy and even sometimes dealing with his family all by myself.
Please could someone with depression or who has been in a similar situation before shine some light on this as I am constantly battling the love for my husband and wanting to support him with my own insecurities and questioning if he's just playing me as he can do things and communicate with other people but me?! I know the symptoms of depression but it's the big difference in behaviour between him being with me and him being alone that keeps me questioning. And then he says he will try harder and that he loves me and wants to be together but then he doesn't change his behaviour. I just don't know what to think anynore!!!
Thanks in advance for any advice!
3 likes, 18 replies
frazzled CocoPop
Posted
Coco I think you read my mind and put the thoughts in your post. I have almost the exact same situation with my partner of almost 40 years. It certainly can be depression. I see it in his eyes and body language.
We both went thru the end-stage illnesses of our mothers who are now deceased. I thought that once those burdens no longer existed that our relationship would not be so "on edge" since both of us went thru bouts of depression. Now that we are free to travel and take advantage of our freedom as we approach the limitations of our own aging, what does he do -- he brought a ex-track greyhound who weighs 80 lbs into our relationship. I asked him why and he said he doesn't know.
The dog has digestive problems so he has to have his meals cooked (I won't do it). He never asked me if I wanted the dog and now that freaking animal takes up most of his time. Someone has to be here every 3 hours or so to let the dog out to pee so we can't even go out to dinner or visit with my friends. He is never relaxed to just enjoy something.
No, he's not running around with mates but he's taking the dog to the dog park and socializing with people there. He won't talk to me but comes back and tells me about so and so's life, etc. I am at (as they say) my wits end.
To add to the misery of animal gut problems, my partner is losing his hearing and his sense of smell is gone. He needs someone (me cause he has no one else) to be his ears. I need him because I have a terrible balance problem and am a fall risk -- he's taken care of me when I had broken bones and couldn't walk or prepare food, etc. Sooooo we need each other for various reasons but this relationship has turned into an obligation.
I know that we are both depressed. I take medication that helps me cope. He refuses to admit he is depressed -- he calls it being tired. Too freaking tired to talk to me? I don't think so. Plus, when he does talk it's all dog related. He never laughs. I can hardly stand to have him around anymore.
The only thing I can figure out is that there must be some change in this relationship or I will step out cause I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. When I think about it the only reason that keeps me here is the guilt of leaving him with his hearing disability (he has hearing aides that are worthless even tho he spent a LOT of money buying them).
So I too need advise. I don't want to give up either but staying is miserable. This situation has us both depressed.
I dream of leaving him and going west (where it doesn't snow or ice with 6 months of winter) to be with my family (he and I have no children so there are no family ties here) but in my heart I know I can't leave him. Every now and then he will say "I don't know what I'd do without you." So what the hell can I do?
I have come to the conclusion that I must do something out of the ordinary in order to begin to change the situation. So when he comes home from the dog park, I'm not here cause I went out to breakfast or I just took the car and went for a ride. Make him take a look at me and not just take me for granted and believe that I will always be there for him. In short, the routine has to change and I have to make that happen.
Sorry but that's the only advise I can give -- make a change in the routine even if only a small one and watch the reaction.
Good luck and my best wishes. I hope it works out for you.
Ans203 CocoPop
Posted
Hey, i replied 8 hours ago but it still has to be moderdated for some reason so j hope this goes through. It definitely sounds like depression to me! Check this forum out, there's lots of similar stories to yours on there. It'll help make sense of things. https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/
It helped me a lot and still does! Take care xx
hypercat CocoPop
Posted
Hi I'm sorry but I have to agree with the others in that he isn't depressed if he can go out and enjoy life with his friends. I think from what you have said that he has decided that he wants a single life more than a married one. He wants the freedom to do exactly as he pleases with you in the background to come home to.
He is having his cake and eating it. It doesn't mean he does not love you but he hasn't really grown up yet. I think you have to decide what you want and what you are prepared to put up with. If you are willing to put up with his behaviour then fine. I don't think a leopard changes it's spots so I wouldn't hold out any hope there.
You must also guard against him making you unsure and uncertain of yourself coz he sounds quite manipulative. You know what you know and you feel what you feel and never let anyone tell you otherwise.
Good luck. x