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Yesterday I walked out of work and went straight to see my GP. I was already on my notice (decided to leave), but yesterday was the worst day in my career.
I was called for a meeting - assuming they wanted to discuss handing over my responsibilities. They know about my depression. Instead I was attacked with various accusations of how I had been upsetting staff, creating bad atmosphere, being unpleasant to customers. There were some awful things said and I was totally unprepared and couldn't defend myself. It took all my strength to hold it together during the meeting. I broke down afterwards and couldn't calm down for hours.
The thing is I now know I haven't been well. I did withdraw a bit and definitely lost my sparkle. But I have never ever created bad atmosphere or deliberately taken anything out on staff. I just about held it together - everyday was like playing a role.
there was a lot of personal things thrown in my face and I just couldn't respond. My direct supervisor said "I'd rather you weren't here with your illness".
So here it is. I walked out. Broken, patronised and undermined. I got signed off for the duration of my notice and this is it. I'm not going back.
Sad thing is that my January appraisal was "outstanding performance". Then I admitted to being ill and suddenly all shifted. I'm so sad. I loved that job. It was hard to decide to leave, but I knew my job was one of the stressors that had to be removed from my life in order to get better.
I haven't slept all night. I just can't turn the racing thoughts off. I'm devastated. Keep questioning myself - did I realy do that? Maybe I forgot - my memory isn't that great. I'm distracted. I have been so concious to be 'nice' with that fake smile you all know.
But I feel I was made to feel like a total nutcase. There was no support offered. It all made me feel milion times worse.
Sorry for the lenghty post. Yesterday for the first time in my life I felt so useless, total failure of a human being - I started to think of actually not being here. I'm scared of my thoughts.
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