What negative/obsessional/irrational/ mental issue do you struggle with during peri or menopause?

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Have any of you had a hard time controlling paranoid, obsessive thoughts and suspicions about your partner and/or family that has damaged relationships during peri and meno?

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  • Posted

    Since my panic disorder has come back in full force and is the most severe one ever - I have struggled with these thoughts as well. I had a cheating husband and got divorced 7 years ago. I have the most wonderfull man in my life now, but latly having nightmares of him cheating on me. This is so bad as the I sometimes find myself that my nighmares takes over life in reality and will keep an eagle eye on his behaviour. Like how long he is on FB, why he was like in an half an hour late, why is he staying longer in the lue than he should. Yes, so you are not alone. I have a hard time controlling these as well, and seeing that I feel so ugly lately I presume one tends to have these irrational thoughs?!?
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    • Posted

      I had never experienced such suspicion and distrust until peri struck 7-8 years ago. I've not even experienced a cheating spouse so there is literally no reason to be this way like you are! In the past, my partner looked at porn, but at the time, (although I didn't like it) it didn't disturb me a whole lot. Now it's as if my mind goes back to this and has decided to become enraged and feel deeply hurt and betrayed over each and every incidence of porn use or looking at other women that I can remember. I've become so obsessed over this that I seriously have concluded that men are incapable of truly loving women in the way that women are capable of loving men. My irrational belief is that once women lose their youth and physical attractiveness their husbands would love to trade them off for a younger model, and don't only because they fear the social stigma and disapproval of family. (or not having enough money to get a younger women lol) I monitor the history on computers and his phone and will confront him if I see anything inappropriate. I also wake up furious with him after having nightmares of him cheating! I've read that during peri any unresolved pain or rejection you've experienced in your life will resurface and need to be dealt with. I had a bad childhood in which I was neglected, wasn't wanted or felt loved. My dad was a selfish screaming tyrant that was unfaithful to my mom who still worshipped him like a god and put him before everyone in her life.  (I wonder if there is a connection?) So, I torment my mind with trying to understand why I can't stop overanalyzing everything and why I can't trust and accept that my partner truly loves me. Of course, 95% of the time no one (not even hubby) has a clue that any of this turmoil is going on in my mind because I'm a very private person and I don't want to upset or worry my friends and family (or being thought of negatively.) Sorry this is such a long post, but I have no one who understands tand that I can talk to. Thanks for answering!

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    • Posted

      I feel that during peri many many unresolved pains and experiences have come back up in my mind in an obsessive way and I do have to deal with them or I will be divorced.

      I think it is finally the time God allows us to ship our husbands into shape if we do it right smile  I went through about 6 months of husband hate...and almost left him...but now i stick my ground.  And when something comes up that reminds me of things that have hurt me over the years I just say it.  I don't care so much about eeping the peace anymore, I care about finding MY peace in my marriage.

      No rose coloured glasses here anymore.  He hurts me and he's going to hear about it...and every other time he has hurt me in the same way in the past, lol!  I would pity the man...but that would just enable him to keep being the same as always  lol!

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    • Posted

      I've read a great deal about women who are going through peri and finally realizing that they have spent most of their lives putting so many other people's happiness before their own,(like myself) and that their personal sacrifices are not only taken for granted, but even expected.. Once they have this "awakening" they take those rose colored glasses off and finally realize that their own happiness is as important as everyone else's and begin to insist on their own needs and desires being a priority as well. I also speak my mind and opinion and no longer remain silent when I feel I'm not being appreciated or respected. If there's a disagreement, I want it out in the open, and discussed until there is a solution or fair compromise reached. No more "mrs. nice guy" here!  I analyze people's motives and refuse to be bullied by anyone.  If I can't be treated with respect I will limit my interaction with those toxic individuals that cause more trouble than they are worth. I blame myself for allowing myself to be taken advantage of for so long and I finally realized that it was because of my insecurities that I felt it was my job to make sure everyone around me was happy. People are shocked and think I've changed. I haven't though, I've just hidden my true self for so long and I'm tired of living a lie. And I can see that others would be more than happy to continue using me simply because it makes their life more comfortable. I'm ready to be my authentic self. I'm 50 years old and most of my children are adults so I feel that now is MY turn to indulge in things that interest me. I love my family and husband, and know they love me also.. They may not like the new me, but they will treat me fairly, because I won'y accept anything less than that. 

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    • Posted

      I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this post. I have a partner with a history of porn and other things that I have had extreme trouble accepting but with some counseling and time I thought I could live with what I know until Peri hit me. I know its all behind him and I know he loves me but the insane thoughts and images in my head obsess me and he has no idea. I'v questioned myself over and over during peri for being with him. Can I live with what I know? Can someone truly turn they're life around? I also can't tell anyone about any of this and that's why I found a counselor to talk to. That did help but I still think and think and it makes me crazy.

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    • Posted

      Thank you Azzumi for replying. I know too well about the thinking and thinking and omg, I wish I could turn the thinking off! eek It makes me so miserable that I feel as though my head is going to blow up. Those are the times when my mind is racing and I feel like I truly can't trust anyone, so why should I bother to even try to be in a relationship? I know it's because of my hormones surging and ebbing like the tide. I also know my distrust is a psychological defense against the pain of betrayal which I've experienced in the past. It's bad because I'm constantly looking for evidence that he's looking at other women or intentionally looking for internet sites that aren't porn, but have very inappropriate ads and images that practically are porn. I don't believe he would physically cheat on me, and he's a wonderful person. It's just that if I think he's fantasizing about other women or disrespecting me by staring at women, I can feel almost hatred in my heart for him, and that's why I think it's important for partners to talk about peri. My husband has learned so much about it, and the damage it does to women. But, I wonder if it will ever go away? I hope it does. I guess many people have health anxiety, or other  fears . Mine is about being betrayed. I truly believe most women going through this mess will be impacted one way or another, unfortunately. I'm glad you've found a counselor you can talk to. I've never had one, (but def. needed one!) I've done so much research about peri and time and time again it seems that it's a stage of life where you really analyze your life, take inventory, and decide on what to keep and what to throw out! But, one thing I do know. It's NOT wise to make any important decisions when you're in the midst of a mini crisis. I know this is a rocky time for me and I try to be fair, but at the same time, I insist on being very open about the issue and sometimes I do want to about it. (of course he doesn't) I also know most of the time my thoughts are irrational, but at the time they feel so real! Good luck, be kind to yourself...Hugs!

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  • Posted

    I have alwats had issues with my sister (3 years older than me )and my sister. With peri I couldn't cope any more. I stopped all my link with sister. I stopped with my mother a few years. I am trying to patch it up with my mum within certain limits for my daughter's sake. I can't tolerate the behaviours I used to tolerate any more. Also I turn against my husband time to time. Anything he dies gets my nerve up. Hard times...

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    • Posted

      So what you're saying is that before peri you were more tolerant and kind of, "went along, to get along" as they say? After peri started you began to be more outspoken, and not as likely to do things you use to do before simply because family expected you to even if you didn't want to? I went through that too, now I have some sort of retro-rage where I remember all the wrongs done against me in the past and I am sooo distrustful of people (family, friends, and even hubby.)  A psychologist would probably say I was dredging up the past and trying to deal with suppressed feelings of hurt and anger. 

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    • Posted

      You could not have describe it better and that is 100% the way i feel. Before peri I dealt with my cheating husband and the divorce etc. Since the peri started and now in full blown M, I have trust issues. It's like I can't stop thinking when my boyfriend will come home one day and tell me that he has found someone else. I am suspicious of his behaviour all the time, and will constantly hammer him with irreasional questions, like why is he on the lue for so long, why is he an half an hour home than usual, why is he spending so much time on fb. And if he dis something similar as to what my ex did, like making me feel unworthy, I will go off at him for no apparent reason, he he so not deserves this. I am more outspoken about the way people treat me. Like my daughter as well. If she so dares to raise her voice at me, I will go off at her and tell her that i am sich and tired of being used. All I do is to financially support them on my pathetic salary, cook, clean etc and that is the thanx I get. And then I will lock myself in my room, cry for about a hour, drag myself out of there and feel hoorible for my behaviour. And then the anxiety will kick in. Then I cant look into a mirror cause I hate the person I see. Just so crazy....

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    • Posted

      I am the same way....You know what upsets me so much is I feel as though I have to hide my feelings from everyone. I don't believe they  understand or "get me." (even other women) I don't want to be this way, I resist and try to stop these feelings but they seem to be so intense. I know they are conjured up, (like demons) when my hormones are imbalanced. I just wish people could understand how hurt, lonely, and unloved I feel and that it's not about trying to control anyone else but myself  .....sad

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    • Posted

      Moody, I know how you feel. As it is in human nature to always joke, one have these supressed feelings of - JUST KEEP IT TO YOURSELF CAUSE SHOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING, your friends and family will take you out saying, OLD WOMAN, HAVING PMS AGAIN or YOU AND YOUR MENOPAUSE EXCUSES. And what do we do, we suppress our feelings more. I think that is why we feel so alone, unloved and hurt. This is why I am so glad I joint this group, because here we can say what we feel without being judge and someone whom understands and gets what you are going through. In one of my other reply's I stated that it feels like I crave attention. You have explained so well what you are going through and that made more sense why I have these feelings, I did not realise that i actually feel lonely and unloved as well. I know it is not a lot, but keep on chating with me, we can help one another in this lonely unloved path. Keep good faith.

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    • Posted

      It helps me so much to be able to be honest about my battle with my insecurities and obsessive thoughts that just rage on and on in my mind. No one would choose to encourage themselves to think and feel this way I 've tried to explain myself to my family, but in the end I feel that hat they consider me to be a babbling lunatic and that I  I've lost even more of their respect. So I pretend I'm ok, and then it builds up till I can't keep it hidden and I blow up and cry  for hours and am even more ashamed about losing control. I'll tell you one thing, This has been a huge lesson in how pride goes before a fall. I've never felt so humiliated in all my life.I just want to dig a hole and crawl in. But, if we never go through trials in life, how can we ever help others that are suffering by being able to say, "I know how you feel and you will get better?" Yes, this group is a lifesaver and I truly appreciate you all! We may not personally know one another, but with all we're going through we are def. kindred spirits! Thank you so much for taking time to share your story with me....Sometimes life is so tough but we have to keep battling on in order to be equipped to offer a little support for our fellow sufferes. My late father in law was a sickly man for most of his life and was always angry about not being able to gp out and acomplish things. But he always had a great outlook and would tell me, when I was down "it's  goin to get better...., just remember that they'll be brighter days" I try to keep that in mind.. biggrin much love

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  • Posted

    Absolutely yes..my partner has one hell of a past and I thought I'd come to terms with it but with Peri I have incredibly dark obsessive thoughts about him that I can't control. When my hormones are balanced I can think about things for a moment and let them go but when my hormones are screwed up the thoughts consume me and I have wondered if I can actually keep going. This plus my moods problems have been by far the worst part of Peri for me.

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    • Posted

      That's exactly how I am! I'm so calm, rational, and loving while my hormones are stable.....but when they aren't, my brain seems stuck on every bad thought it can recall and will not budge! I feel the most horrible and painful feeling of pure abandonment and rejection, yet at the same time a rage over all the real. (or imagined) injuries from the past and I just wish I could run away or just stop caring so I wouldn't go through any more torment. Does he have any idea of your struggle?

       

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    • Posted

      Hi, no he doesn't. I just couldn't tell him. He knows and is very understanding about my mood problems and he knows about my obsessive thinking but as for what actually goes on in my head I can't tell him. Everything was before we met each other and he told me some things and a so called friend of his told me the rest. I'v had counceling to try and decide if I can live with what I know and he seems to have turned his life around so for now I can't discuss it with him. Maybe one day I will have to. The logical side of me knows it has nothing to do with me but the crazy hormone side can't deal with it.

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    • Posted

      Dear Azumi, you know the best, you have been living with him. But if he made an effort and started a new life it is very best to forget about his past. I know it is not easy but it is a shame if he changed and have a new life with you. Let's all remember abd hope that all these ridiculous peri thoughts and feelings will pass and pass SOON! Take care.

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