What to do?

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Have a 67yr old alcoholic husband, who will NOT admit to having drinking problem. Yet, he gets up around 7-8am, has either a large swig from the vodka bottle (hidded by him) or has a couple beers, then goes back to bed! Drinks throughout the day, always hidden from me, and apart from just sleeping his days away,he doesnt have a hangover, or vomits, I mostly know  he has had a drink because he becomes verbally aggressive to me, and shouts and swears. He WONT get help, as he doesnt believe his drinking pattern is wrong, (well not to me anyway)  Ihave been married to him 45 yrs, and nearly 25 of them have been awful. Is there anything I can buy online to give him to curb his drinking?

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  • Posted

    Leave him alone, he'll be dead soon at that rate & you can have a nice time with the rest of your life!
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  • Posted

    Bleeding heck Roger. That's a bit harsh isn't it?
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  • Posted

    Roger...I think that was a very unpleasant, and uncalled for answer. Xxxx

    Olivia, hi, I am sure that your husband is very scared of what is happening to him....he really needs specialist care that his gp can arrange.....he is highly likely full of self hate over how he treats you....how, alcoholism is a horrible, scary, terrifying illness...

    Your husband really needs.to be much more honest about his problem,. He really can be helped.....

    I was a terrible ALCOHOLIC.....I was sectioned four times !!!# and near death twice...he really needs to detox safely..either in a clinic or at home...I had eight !!.Altogether....

    I have now been clear for twelve years..my whole life has completely changed for the better....for myself, my husband and my four children and my grandson.....please. go with him to get help...he will be scared and will need much support...it takes time, but it can be done, and he will be able to like and value himself again...you will be in. My thoughts and prayers...big hugs .....xxxx

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    • Posted

      But he doesnt think he needs help!-that's the problem, he thinks he's drinking like "normal" people. He has had the DT's, came into the lounge one night, and asked me why I was letting bugs crawl over me and the sofa, but even after that episode, he still doesnt think he needs help. He is so verbally cruel to me, and I am now too old and have major health issues, so it's too late for me to leave. I am angry at Roger for his stupid remarks, but will admit, I have often wished it could all be over, it would be my "way out" of this nightmare.  How can the kindest man, turn into the worst person ? 
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    • Posted

      I said that with tongue in check. But it's how we feel sometimes. If he's had the DT's then a clinic is the way, but getting him there , well, that's another story! Some people don't want the help. Maybe he's that person?
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  • Posted

    Roger, actually no offence taken.  I am just at my wits end, how can you help someone who says it's ME that has the problem , not him. He say's I'm obsessed with his drinking, (I do pour it out when I find the vodka in old water bottles hidden everywhere in the house) NOTHING will motivate him to stop! Our daughters wont let my grandkids be in a car with him or come to sleepover, as he has been known to pass out on the floor at 10am !!!! I am suffering because of his attitude, he spends whole days sleeping -he says he drinks because of me, and because he has no life!! We live in a beautiful house steps away from the beach, idyllic, and retired, why does he want to spend his days in a total stupor??? I just wanted to know if there was any kind of medication, herbal or otherwise, I could give him, which would stop his craving for alchohol??
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    • Posted

      Hi again & thAnks. There is medication that reduces the desire to drink. I don't know what it's called, but someone will be along soon to tell you what it is. Your husband sounds like a right t**t. It seems like he's lost the will to live?
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    • Posted

      Hi there,

      So if I can resume : your husband, that you obviously love deeply and had children with, is very happy with is addiction with alcohol.

      Not surprisingly, when he is drunk and abnoxious you suffer enormously, including due to the fact that you witnessing him killing himself.

      Bottom line :  Your husband is right, you are the one who has a problem with his alcoholism. 

      Should you wish to diminish your suffering you have to separate yourself from the situation.  Why not trying (at least a temporary separation).  That would show you if life is indeed better without witnessing his slow dying and maybe make the penny drop to your husband that 1) you have a problem with his drinking and 2) if he loves you he may wish to do something about it.

      PS:  what are the health issue that prevents you to at least take a 2 month break from this horrible situation?

      For people wishing to lower their consumption to a reasonable level there are drugs coming in.  I took one (baclofen) and it worked for me very well.  But it is a compound you have to take 3 times a day and you have to be really willing to take it.  Your husband does not appear to be there yet.

      I hope I made sense, but whatever your choice : it is OK.

      All my love.

       

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    • Posted

      Financially it is not possible to "take a 2 month break" from him!!  My health issues, I have had a stroke, and have limited mobility, I also have 10 stents in the arteries around my heart (have had 4 angioplasties over 10 yrs) Those are the main ones, having psoriasis and taking warfarin are not  that important, but does means trips to the relevant clinics once a month.   I am too worn down and drained, to consider moving out/seperating, and at the end of the day, why should I be the one to leave the home I have built over the years, when I have done nothing wrong??!!  It would be ruined, he doesnt do anything in it to maintain it, just dosses around and sleeps. 
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  • Posted

    Goodness knows why, we have no money problems, great grown up kids, great grandchildren (7-21) and our son is a very successful fashion photographer in USA, and pays for us to come over every second year, for 2 months!  He hides it from the son, but I notices my sons vodka bottle level going down, and of course if he's offered wine/beer with a meal, he takes it, and glares at me, as if to say, dont start!!  Anyone know what meds Roger means?
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  • Posted

    See, that's my problem, I just DONT get why he cant enjoy our later years, without getting plastered every day! 
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  • Posted

    There is.medication called Arlington and you can now get.it on the nhs. I haven't tried.it myself as I have given up by sheer will.power alone but it apparentlyndoesnhelp people to stop.

    the one thing I will say though is that unless he admits he has a.problem and wants to stop drinking you are fighting a losing battle there is.No.way on earth that you can stop him drinking unless he wants to himself. I talk from experience. The.more.people told me about it the.more I denied.it. it was only when I really thought I was going to die after a 14.day binge that I asked for help.

    I know that is probably not what you want to hear but as long as he is in denial there is nothing you can do.

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  • Posted

    Hi Olivo,

    You can find more about using Selincro by going to thecureforalcoholism.

    Also Paul who works with this method is very good at describing the problem and the solution and has done on these forums. Sounds to me that you may have to give your husband an ultimatum to be honest.

    Anyway, here's Paul's words on the subject:

    Imagine two people. Both start drinking in their teens. Both are irresponsible (as teenagers often are). Both get drunk frequently. Both are decent people just doing what kids do. Person A suddenly gets into a relationship and gets a responsible job. He/she then realises that the days of getting drunk and crawling home are over. Too many responsibilities now to carry on behaving that way. The importance of alcohol fades in their life and, while they may occasionally have a glass of wine or a pint of beer, or even have a real heavy session, it doesn't dominate their life anymore. They become a controlled drinker who can drink or not drink.

    Person B also finds a partner and a responsible job, but finds that the alcohol is still important. They have a drink within a few minutes of getting home from work and it doesn't stop at one drink, they may get through a whole bottle of wine, and they feel better for having that. But then they find that, due to an increased tolerance to alcohol, they need more than one bottle to get the same effect, to feel relaxed and, in some cases even, to feel normal. Alcohol continues to dominate their life and everything spirals downward.

    Person A and Person B are different biologically. Person A might like to get a bit merry in a social situation, to relax and have a laugh, but it is not crucial that they do this. If they go weeks or months without a drink, they don't think about alcohol. It's there and they sometimes use it, but they are not bothered if they don't.

    Person B gets additional reward for drinking. Subconsciously, they get more pleasure just from the drinking. It is not used as a social lubricant like it is for Person A, it becomes a necessary coping tool. Coming home to a fridge with no wine in it is likely to cause a bit of a panic. 'Oh no, I have no wine!'

    Physiologically, the difference between Persons A & B is the effect of alcohol on them. In Person B, when the endorphins released by drinking attach to the opioid receptors in the brain, pleasure results which is way beyond the effect that alcohol has on Person A. Even when alcohol causes serious health problems or is so much of a problem that relationships are ruined, that reward is too great to ignore. This is why some people carry on drinking despite knowing that the result of doing so will be devastating to them. THAT is addiction.

    It is only in recent years that this physiological explanation, for why some people get addicted to alcohol and others can simply drink if they want to or stop if they want to, has been considered in medicine.

    The Sinclair Method resulted from such research. By taking a drug that blocks the opioid receptors, preventing endorphins from attaching to them, a person can begin to retrain their brain and unlearn their addiction.

    The Sinclair Method is having success rates of around 78% in Finland. 'Success' is defined as either achieving controlled drinking or abstaining totally from drinking.

    Since the 1930s, people have been standing up in group meetings and taking the blame for their excessive drinking. Accepting responsibility for all the 'terrible things' they have done to their family.

    There are no such groups for people who have other illnesses. I am an insulin-dependent diabetic. I am slightly physiologically different to people who are not diabetic. I don't have to take the blame. People accept that it is not my fault.

    There is a multi-billion dollar global rehab business which relies on repeat customers who have all their dignity and rights taken from them each time they pay thousands to go off and get 'treatment' which consists of them being forced to go to group meetings, not to communicate with anybody in the outside world for a few weeks, to go to bed when they are told and get up when they are told and to accept that everything that has ever gone wrong in their life is their own fault. It's hardly surprising that people involved in this highly profitable business don't want things to change!

    It is not your fault that you have an alcohol problem but, because of the effect it has on your health and your relationships, it is your responsibility to find a solution. By accepting it as a medical issue allows you to put aside your guilt (which will help massively with the psychological damage that years of feeling like a 'bad person' has caused you.)

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  • Posted

    Hi olivo...there are two drugs that are very effective at reducing the Dee awful, awful.. tear you head off !!!# cravings.....

    One is SELINCRO...and the other is CAMPRAL....many, many people find these TREMENDOUSLY EFFECTIVE..

    There is also another drug to stop you drinking..it is called ANTABUSE....however...it is very, very VERY DANGEROUS. if you have ANY alcoholic at all.. you even have to be careful about deodorants ect.....I really, really feel FOR YOU...I can reMEMBER HOW panicky and sick I used to feel all of the Time, it REALLY WAS the most AWFUL, AWFUL , AWFUL ten years of both mine and ALL.MY WONDERFUL, UNDERSTANDING , LOVING FAMILY also....

    I hope things do IMPROVE FOR YOU ..DEAR OLIVO... I feel sure that they will.xxx big hugs to you both....DEIRDRE xx

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