whats it all about, Alfie

Jackie thank you for your kind reply. So sorry to hear about your husband and your currant situation and so happy to see there are still some caring and compassionate people left in this world, it helps restore my faith in humanity. Being strong and supportive is whats needed and by just reading the few words you have posted I know you have both assets in abundance, I hope your husband gets well soon and with your support I,m sure he will. You stay strong girl. You're a diamond.

hi julie, the people who know me, of which there are many often say i am too caring? i am often left confused by this as i feel how can anyone be too caring? ive shied away from the world for reasons better left unsaid as my remarks will again be ridiculed and replies will be i,m after attention or trying to escape my own reality by diguising my pain in others misery? none of which is true, i,m just more aware or should i say sensitive of other peoples plights, to me i find it more important than ever to try to help one another? as jackie said, people used to look after one another, gone are the days that you can pop into your neighbours for a cuppa and a chat whilst leaving ones home empty and the door unlocked? sign of the times i suppose, because some people litter the streets does that give us call for all of us to start doing it? after all it maynot be outside your front door so why bother? myself i could not pass that empty can or crisp pkt whatever unless i picked it up and found a bin to put it in? agreed it wasnt my trash and it maynot be by my home' but if no one picks that trash up and it is left to multiply and others do the same, how long do you think it would take until you open your door to find that indeed the trash has found its way to your door after all,i do unto others what i would like done unto me but i dont do it expecting that, its just nice when something nice comes along and it all seems worth while..

hi night owl 2, you have given me faith that there are some good people in this world, i remember the days when neighbours came in for a cuppa and u could leave ur front door open when i was a child great days we would all sleep at each others homes and could even camp out in the front garden and feel safe. great times! carmel said people who are depressed care to much as it makes them feel better i disagree i think caring to much can make us frustrated to how things have changed.. your a good person never change but do think about your self also thats very important for well being. and we need people like you in this world so its important to also take care of your self x

Hi Julie, I feel humble reading such kind remarks about myself and thank you so sincerely for taking the time to help cheer me up at the exact moment I needed it? I agree with you when you disagree with Carmel about depressed people care to make themselves feel better? As lovelly as Carmel is I pretty sure she's never suffered from depression? When suffering from depression one doesn't have the energy to care about themselves let alone others? We inadvertantly hurt our loved ones causing them worry and stress, don't want to face the nxt morning knowing the depression will be there when wake up. It's easy to diagnose someone as "so called depressed" (caramels words) when one hasn't suffered from it themselves? I have suffered from depression in the past and it's a nightmare wrapped in a nightmare and should not be taken lightly, my heart bleeds for those who are going through it not just for them but also for the people, friends, loved ones who care about them or for them during this period. I no longer suffer from depression I just find myself unwilling to face the world at the moment, no doubt that will change and I once again can do all the wonderful things I used to? Yes hun, I remember times such as playing hopscotch on the pavement, all the kids with skipping ropes and our parents sitting on the steps chatting while watching the kids? You've put a smile on my face by bringing those memories back, thanks hun.

hi night owl 2 u are very welcome ! a beautifull message thank you. i have had a tough life like alot of people have, its called life and can be changed if we wish it to be! you sound a wonderfull person! allways remember that. yes ive been through depression only just come out of it and working hard on my self for once ive allways put others first brought two gorgeous sons up single handed and there happy and doing well . but when they left home i felt like someone had taken my right arm off and miss them everyday and think about the good days we all had, we was known as julie and the lads what a lovely family. wasnt easy and didnt allways get it right . i was a young mum with no support but i did it :-) i trusted someone last year as i was very lonely and he abused me so i went into my shell and didnt trust anyone. so hid away causing depression! i have now admitted to my self i need support am starting classes soon for well being and then will get back to work i am a cook so hoping to get back into that soon! or if not something less stressfull was a awfull place that i worked at oh well you live and learn and thats the pasted! ive had councilling because of the abuse that happened last year and helped me alot.. remember you are worthy . we was all born the same little babies its what happens to us after that what makes us who we are! and what ever happens to us we learn from it and become stronger and better people. i was a shy child low self asteem due to my childhood but my mum knew no better! shes very ill now because of her life style she drinks. so its a worry but i have tried to help her but its like hitting a brick wall so gave up.. you are a star!  and we all need a little help sometimes and its out there if we open up. and admit we suffer sometimes..much love to you..julie

Hi julie, sorry to hear about the hardships you've been through, I too was abused in my relationship? Yes, it's not only woman who can meet the wring persob? Lol. I was with the same girl 4 16yrs and it was only a few hours ago that I left my house to go see her and explain it's over? Don't get me wrong it hasn't been a real relationship 4 quite a while now more like good friends. She,s a lo elly girl and I will miss her deeply but in a way I think she may well of been part of my problem, she very rarely drank but often when she did she would sometimes have a line? (coaxed by her so called friends) I don't mind, each go their own I say but she would come home to mine knowing I could never harm a woman and for whatever reason kick my head in unless I was quick enough and got out of my house. I always forgave her and thankfully it wasn't often it would happen but if she went to a friends I could never settle until I saw how she was when got home? I've taken her to many destinations around the world, I've tried to do right by her and even now there's nothing I wouldn't do for her short of putting up with the violence anymore, you see, being an easy target attracts violence be you make or female. I wish I had hope she would come to her senses and she will probably say she will but she is very easily lead by peer pressure and then my nerves will be shot once again. Hopefully I am doing the right thing, Its not that I want to be with anyone else but at the sane time I wouldn't assume all woman are like her and you should not assume all men will be like your ex? There are a few out there who are pretty decent people hun who would cut their own arm off before raising it to a woman and who would stand infront of a speeding train to protect her? Don't give up angel, you seem a good catch and one day someone will be lucky enough to meet you and you,ll take that chance.

hi night owl 2. thats awfull and shouldnt happen to anyone .. she was wrong maybe a break from it all would be good for you so u can look after your self.. the guy who abused me wasnt a partner he was a friend who groomed me then spiked my drink i reported him to the police awfull time i had to do a video link , i wasnt well for a long time losing my job but wasnt a good place to work anyway. have some you time night owl time is a great healer x

Hi Julie hun, only just noticed this post? So sorry to hear about your so called friend, no excuse for that kind if behaviour and prison is where he belongs. My situation wasn't so bad really, wouldn't of stuck to it all these years if it was? It was rare when she,d become violent and never hurt me too bad but when we first met she told me that her ex used to beat and abuse her? My mistake was letting the first slap slide, then because I didn't react the next time was a smack and maybe a kick? Not a nice situation to be in but love is blind what can I say? I will go away for a couple of wks soon just to get some perspective on life, not only her but everything else, I,m a stubborn man when my minds made up and stick to my guns once made a decision. So thanks angel. Appreciated.

Hi Vickycam, Night Owl 2 & Julie 1111 

It's good to hear the opinions and perceptions of others.  It;s not only good to share experiences but what's helped me the most is hearing how depression makes people feel.  People having depression and sharing their feelings reminds me that depressed people don't intend to hurt those they love.  It's many years since I had anxiety and agoraphobia and a very painful experiene to relate back to but I do remember lashing out as I was terribly frightened and hoping some one would finish me off so I couldn't experience another anxiety attack.  I tried to explain the the husband who is clinally depressed that he was under no pressure to do anything he didn't want to do or feel uncomfortable doing but he's refused any help at all, sadly he is now trying to push me to make a decision on Divorce and his solicitor has said if I don't do it they will and the grounds they will use are my unreasonable behaviour!  This unreasonable behaviour relates to me telling three of our friends he has depression in the hope they would help and support him where I, our families and the professionals had failed.  Does this bother me?  Yes I'm upset but I as well as a long list of other people including his boss know he is ill.  After what I went through I am much stronger and have balls!  So yes I'm going to fight this and prove he is ill.  My children have been amazing they're both very supportive and know it's nothing I have done, I can't thank them enought for being such great kids, I'm so proud of them both x

hi jackie82937. lovely to meet you! so sorry your husband isnt admitting to his depression many dont and deal with it by hurting others and thats what hes doing to you but maybe doesnt understand he his or maybe he does! i dont know? you was trying to help him get support as you have been through depression and well done getting through it because it can be beaten. alot of it is life related were human after all with emotions! go girl prove to the lot of them hes ill, he shouldnt be doing that to you ..your the mother of his children and they can see this and love you very much.. i also have two children and they see there dad as a disapointment ..which he his . i never once stopped them seeing there dad but they stopped seeing them . well done keep strong x

I'm so glad you have a supportive family.  It's such a shame  that your husband doesn't realize that he could be helped out of his depression and become the well adjusted person you are.  But as they say "you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink".  

Hi vickycam, thanks for your reply hun, a kind word can go a long way and your kind words have come to reach me. Thank you so much.

Jackie Jackie Jackie, been through it haven't you girl? You seem like a very strong lady, devoted mother and caring partner.it's a lucky man who finds such a woman and the men who do are often undeserving. I hope things all work out for the better for you angel, you just be strong.

 I have and many people have asked why I'm still putting up with this but you do when you've had a life time together 34 years, the relatinship was good before he came ill which was a result of his job and being bullied at work.  I've had to have recent Radiotherapy for skin cancer, luckily not the type that spreads and lost two relatives within the last 8 months.  Husband kept saying he didn't deserve someone like me, why i was ever attracted to him and he had become a bad and mean person.  It's all very odd but I know it's nothing that I have done and now his solicitor and him are looking for blame.  I've had to document everything in case of a potential lasw suit against his employers, his job has dissappeared in suspicious circumstances and they knew he was ill.  His solicitor will have her work cut out taking me on, I just hope when she sees the written evidence and am able to supply witnessess she will see what's really going on but you never know. x

Thanks Vickycam I'm really lucky even the husband's family are 100% behind me, they'ved tried writing to him but nothing.  As the children have said he's being very silly and stubborn and they to are frustrated, our daughter who is 19 has been left with anxiety and had counselling as a result of this.  I don't mind him hurting me but i draw the line at the children being affected and although they are older I will still protect them at all costs. x

Hi Julie 1111

I think he just doesn;t want to admit he has a problem any mention of MH issues he becomes very defensive.  He used to come occassionally for the odd meal and visit and send the odd email but he is now trying to cut off all contact.  He has left our relationship and family, left the home which he's frightened of he assocaites it with the bad year at work and as a bad symbol and now he's job has gone, he's pressed the self destruct button on his entire life.  He emailed a few months ago and said he wasn't mad but unhappy?  I emailed and said if he's left us all why would he still be unhappy?  No response! 

I found some diaries going back to his teenage years and each year make some reference to depression.  I got him to counselling via our GP with a Psychologist he said the guy had helped sort his head and told the MH Crisis Team manager the sessions were useless!  We have to laugh at that one!

I've told my two they must do what they want around seeing Dad but Dad has never showed them much affection he's been a workaholic so neither of them are interested which is extremeley sad. x

hi jackie. the question you asked him about why his he unhappy when hes left you was a brilliant question to ask him .. says it all doesnt it! its not you or your kids its him! its so sad when kids feel like that towards the father my oldest son his the same with his father. sperm donor lol sounds like he wont admit it! i wouldnt bother id just think about your self and kids...if he cant admit hes depressed what hope is there for you and your children.. kick him to the kerb! but thats your choice not mine or anyone elses x

Funny thing is he emailed our daughter and said when will your Mum believe I am better.  I emailed him and said ife you're better lets meet and talk like adults about the house and finances - no response!  A because he knows I can see throught the bulls**t and B like his sister says he's from better.  The recent MH assessment confirms it, he told the woman he was getting out and about then said he found social situations difficult to he wasn't getting out much!

He also failed to understand he has handed in an official document with his address on it, he doesn't want anyone to know where he lives as he has control issues.  Told me he needs to live on his own to control the food, shopping and cleaning, he's never done any cleaning!  LOL  Told me the guy who had bullied him has come out of the box he's put him in?

The company who came a few weeks ago couldn't understand why he couldn't be at the home when they came to discuss selling, it's company policy we all meet together, they suggested they talk to me inside and he wait outside in the car, he told them he couldn't be on the premises, we laughed at that one!  Guess it's cos he's scared of the home assoicates it with the bad year at work.

Sperm Donor?  That made me laugh, us women seem to be the stronger race more balls than they have.  Well it's something he's going to have to deal with eventually but so far it' avoidance and escapism, I know when I had the anxiety I avoided things and all it ever did was make it worse until I sorted myself. x

Julie ure a killer hun, brought a smile to my face yet again? Lol. Yes Jackie, no one can advise you hun but deep inside you,ll know what's the right thing to do? It's hard when been in a relationship so long, one gets to rely on the other. You need to figure out what's right for you. Having kids can complicate things as you consider their feelings but to burden yourself with untold misery because of it is not the right thing to do to yourself or your children but again no one can or should try to tell you what you should do, as Julie said, only you can make that decision. I wish you all the luck in the world, as do we all.

:-) :-)

lol u ask him some great questions! talk like adults like it and no response says it all ? hes got issues it seems! like i said u can only decide what u want to do but my reading your post he would be allways doing his own cooking and cleaning :-) he need to go shops to get his shopping hows he going to do that if he doesnt like social situations LOL 

Hope his solicitor doesn't faint when she sees the evidence and what she's taken on, would love to be a fly on the wall!  Thing is as clever as he is I've always been 10 steps ahead.  Forgot to tell you I made him meals on a couple of ocassions, one time he said what a lovelly meal how lovely it was to see me, hugged me, kissed me then said he didn't know.  The next ocassion he had to run to the loo as he now has digestive problems then asked if I had poisoned him!  I know I'm a terrible cook but surely not that bad?  LOL  We saw him shopping in Asda, had to leae as our daughter doesn't want any contact and we didn't know if we should approach him he's unpredictable, I don't mean he would harm us we're more worried about the sh*t he's coming out with and thought we might have spooked him (spooking to him means not being able to straighten his hands and thought he was going to have a heart attack) which I know is anxiety - he now says it arthritis in his thumbs!  We sat in the car outside Asda and fell about laughing when the daughter said he's probably trying to decide whether to buy red or green apples to control.  To be honest as cr*p as his has been I've learnt alot about myself and made some good new friends.  Not putting my life on hold been to Cyprus, Essex and Wales and off to Spain in October.  x

well done jackie no one needs that u have kids they must come 1st, talk tomorrow hopefully need my bed.. good on you girl u dont need it.. do feel sorry for people who wont admit they need help but they can only do that and sounds like u have tried..goodnight jackie

Morning jackie, good on you girl? Caught afew hours meself lastnight so feel pretty good about meself today? I've been Cyprus, lovelly country, what part of Spain you going? Some are lovelly but others maybe the opposite of what you maybe looking for? Been all over Spain so if need any advice don't hesitate to ask. Might even go pub today and socialise for a change, me mates will be in shock if I do as I haven't been out in years? Then again don't think I could handle the excitement? Haha

Hiya

I've read all of the posts from everyone who has commented on What's it all about Alfie, looks like we've all been through some very tough times but as they say what doesn't finish us off makes us stronger!

Good to hear you got some sleep and you're feeling good today.  Same hear managed to get some sleep and have woken up to the sun streaming through the window.

I think it will be a cheapie holiday to Benidorm but it will be a break away my cousin who lost her husband has invited me so that will do us both good.  She came to stay with me a few weeks ago so she could chill out and have a rest, we had a real laugh and really enjoyed each others company so I'm really looking forward to the holiday.

All of the cousins met at one of our cousins funeral  last November as sad as it was losing Dawn at 46 (she was waiting for a liver transplant) her funeral bought us all together and we've all decided that we meet up on a regular basis and keep in touch more.

Well if you go to the pub mines a Peroni!  Take care and have a lovely day and thanks so much for your support.  xx

 

Thanks Julie

Jackie x

Well if like 2 party and ha e a laugh benidorm will certainly provide? Haha. Yes hun, seems the only time families get together is at funerals and maybe weddings, just glad you're not going alone, leave all your troubles here when you leave and live it up whike there hun, it will do you good?

I was thinking we could have been extras in the TV programme!  LOL

Sadly meeting at funerals seem to be the only time we meet.  I fully intend to let my hair down!  LOL

Just had final bill from my soliciotr she's very kindly knocked me £1300 off my bill, even shes pi**ed off trying to negotiate with him!  Enjoy your day x

Back home hun, had a nice walk around and ended up in library instead of pub? (Downer) haha. Just didn't feel up to it hun just got book "God's of Eden" by William bramley? No it's not what you probably think, it's a conspiracy themed book supposedly factual or with many facts to back it up? "Was god an alien" haha. Used computer whike there but place got Abit full and couldn't cope felt all claustrophobic and had 2 get out? Ha. Made up your thinking ahead and gonna let your hair down, was gonna go away meself nxt mnth but now cos now that I,m totally free I,d rather go over the Xmas newyear, bad time for me here so might spend it abroad, Egypt or somewhere, somewhere just to chill, plenty of time to decide so until then I,'ll start this new book? Haha

Just got back from the canal having walked the dogs, god it's hot!  We should make the most of it thought as it won't last forever.  The book sounds really interesting, it's way to hot to be inside ona PC but hre I am again going through the stuff for his solicitor making sure I cover my ass and don't implicate myself, got to a stage where I'm passed caring to be honest, like they say the truth has a habit of coming out eventually! 

I think that's another thing that scared the husband he knows I am the life and soul of the party and has always been very jealous of any attention showed to me by other men.  I went to Tenerife one year for Xmas and New Year loved it better than staying at home, shopping, cleaning, waiting on people and buying present people don't want for them to return them to the shops after Xmas!  Egypt sounds great you should go for it, I've never been myself.  Off shopping later to top up on the Peroni!  LOL x