whats the point anymore

D.I.T.O i no exactly wot u saying i am in the same boat i got my own catering buisnesss i feel the same and people think the same about me 2 that i doin good but im a good actress i manage 2 fool every1 but myself. PLEASE if u find any ways of coping please share them with me. :cry:

any sugestions yet gettin desperate. HELLP

sorry Shadow - no internet for some days of the week (none at all over the wkend) so couldn't ansa.

things work sometimes but not others so I force myself to continue with the routine - mustn't fall back to how I was before - even if I only manage 30 mins work at least I have achieved something.

The only way I have been able to work for a while is by having headphones on and listening to music. without it my brain doesn't stop and I start feeling panicy.

Friends have been good in the past but I feel like I am always imposing so don't talk to many of them anymore. Keep support structures in place - I don't really have any anymore and it is REALLY tough.

I HAVE to do my work but that doesn't mean i can function the rest of the time - housework hasn't been done for months. It takes all my energy to do what I have to do. I would really love to do nothing and take time to recover properly but I have spent too much time and energy on my business to do that. I don't even care about my work at eh moment. I don't know how to carry on without falling apart completely.

Hi Girl no need 2 appologise, yes i agree it is very hard i cant give any advice as i am doin exactly the same so i would b a total hypocrit and im not. I feel i am about 2 fall apart and am very close 2 the edge but still i wont stop against my Dr and councilors advice. I would of failed AGAIN and be a looser. My own buisness is pickin up and i keep pushin i also have full time job in hotel (head chef/head of caterin depo) but im 2 stubon 2 give in. I had a weddin for 120 people on saterday 2 cater 4, but on the same day recieved a phone call my uncle had died unexpectly that mornin (the second relative in 3 weeks) and still i push on and i no its wrong but im 2 terrified 2 stop. I have the anniversary of the death of my 3 brothers next week and my best friend the week after (she comited suicide im startin 2 think she had the best idea). I to walk about with music in my ears and have distance myself from every1. I get angry with myself bcs i no im doin wrong but i just cant stop myself and feel i dont deservve any help as im not doin anything 2 help myself only all the wrong things. Any advice 2 help me through this crap time PLEASE. Sorry 2 keep gon on and ramblin not much help 2 any1 at moment. :cry: :cry:

Hey Shadow have a virtual hug, sounds like you need one. I'm sorry about your uncle.

I know what you mean about not wanting to fail again as I feel the same - it does mean that we both put extra pressure on ourselves though.

A good friend of mine committed suicide over 10 year ago now and I can remember the pain of early anniversaries. I still think of him but in a different way now. Yes it still hurts and sometimes I wish I had the courage to do what he did but in the end I want to do the better things we talked about. Not just for me but for him. It is my way of honouring him.

You have to grieve - it is part of being human, just don't let it consume you.

I know what you mean about not wanting to stop. So scared that it will be worse if I have nothhing to do and I am not sure if can cope with that. Just because you don't have any energy to help yourself at the moment doesn't mean you don't deserve help, in fact quite the opposite.

Sorry, i just seem to have rambled on about crap, hope something helps. Shame I don't take my own advice really but hell who cares anyway.

The thought of grievin and lettin go terifies me. Its only the 2nd aniversary of her death and im just constantly fightin against my feelings and emotions. Ithink if i start i wont b able 2 stop and there no 1 there 2 help me now, and the thought of loosing control makes me feel like a failer and weak and wot right do i have 2 do it.

Hi Girl and Shadow, its Tiny Tears. Yes, shadow...let it out...think so what if I loose control...no one else lost her like I did. You have to let go.. iKnow I have great difficulty with letting loved ones go. At the moment I have a friend of 29 who has a irrectifiable brain tumour. I lost an aunt last year, though not proper blood relative, and frined of mine also commited suicide. So I do understand where you are coming from>

I am very alone, and I also know that loosing blood relatives is the hardest thing to get over! But think about evolution, htat they maybe a butterfly or a bbeatiful flower spying on you , checking you are okay. If you look at chemistry and physics , you realise therer is more to live than just a nysterious god. Sorry I aint rligious..If you guys are I apologise, I think religion brings such hypocracy, and yes I wish I could dissolve under my duvet, but I cant. I have two children who I need to look after! But its soo hard, and I am very alone in a hole. If you need to let it out, let it out...dont fight your emotion...you hurt for reasons!!! Sometimes its a build up of events other times its just a shocking incident, Stop torturing yourelves, you are allowed to feel like total crap, though its sh*t, we all do! Take care... i hope I have not said anything damaging or insensitve, I am only trying to help. One day the sun [b:d1d6fab4b1]will shine. Love you guys.[/b:d1d6fab4b1]

Is it true that it gets easier with time bcs it not feel like it at moment untill then how 2 cope.

Hi Shadow, how are you? I dont know about the time thing...sometimes time can heal...soemtimes you cane just accept what has happened, but then sometimes thing can come flashing back in a tornaido whirlwind like fashion. I am sorry, most things do heal over a period of time, it slearning to cope and find stategies to deal with the changes that helps. yeah well I dont know how to do that either, It sometimes help if you could talk to someone who yu feel will not judge yu and will help you to understand your own feelings on isseus. Sometimes, I think we cannot understand our own feelings so we dont know how to help ourselves, (ny problem). I dont know, hobby, distraction, spending time with someone who you like, that you dont compare your self and who does not compete with yourself, Squessing stress balls helps, listening to some music, cry, let it out...do what you have to ...and [b:a05d64caea]dont torture yourself about it! I hope you are okay, and i hope what I have said here helps a little, though probably makes no sense, just a page of waffle, just wanted to know that I care and that you deserve the help, so take it with bith hands open. Luv Tiny Tears.[/b:a05d64caea]

Hi tiny tears how u doin? I feel like im in a whirlwind now and head all over hurts so much inside not able 2 talk or c any1 without fillin up and still i fight it. i dont have the energy 2 cope with myself and everything else (kids family work own business day 2 day problems) so i just deal with them and hope my feelings and everything goes away (but there not). The only person i ever talked 2 was my best friend and its so lonely and painfull without her. Iv not grieved 4 her and still not accepted she not here still try 2 call here how mad is that.

Im not lookin forward 2 this weekend i have my uncles funeral and i dont no how the hell im goin 2 cope. Its gettin harder and harder 2 cope with things and i dont no how much more i can take. Thank u 4 taking the time 2 talk 2 me its good 2 no others out there. Iv just pulled away from every1 and evrythinnot want 2 c any1.

yes, shadow, hun, I know [b:aa91c608de]exactly[/b:aa91c608de]what you mean, it all sends shivers down my spine1

When I was a student I lost my grandad, then following that was stalked assaulted, then my stepgran died! I know its normal to loose elderly people, but my first experiences with death were with young people. I know where you are coming from . At the moment sweat it out...then take the break...for your self... [b:aa91c608de]You can, and you will do it[/b:aa91c608de] You will, cause you have children.....think of them..eventually we all have to go over the agony of loosing others, you have to treat birth , and death as a picture of life, no matter how young or how old! We cant all live to the great age of 80, the NHS would be in an even bigger state , though its getting there! Do [b:aa91c608de]all you feel capable of, let the waters run..and certainly, feel no shame!!! You are allowed to grieve!! I know It want take your pain away and you will always miss, like a broken piece of mirror stuck in your heart. But you can do it. You can be strong, Just do it..it will make you feel better,,,when its over take the shut down time...and dont assault yourself about it. I hope I have helped, and not said anything out of order, you have to do it.so you have to take time out, casue you have to ...No shame , absolutley not, hope I make sense, Luv Tiny Tears x/[/b:aa91c608de]

Sorry, but just to let you know...I still fill up..but thats okay..it makes you more of a sensitve person! At the end of the day, you know its because you care about others, probably, more than yourself, but thats okay too. Though you need to love you. Eventually you will. One day, Take care Shadow, be brave and keep me informed how it is all going. Horrible times, means that sooon there will be something good in the sun!

Hey Shadow

it does get easier with time but everyone is different so that time varies hugely. You will never forget her but at the same time would she want to see you like this (I used this as an arguement with myself when thinking about doing the same - I couldn't put my loved ones through what I was feeling) . You have to give yourself time to grieve - it is perfectly natural and [b:914a4c1e49]necessary[/b:914a4c1e49]. I found that it was actually another funeral that sparked off the grieving process in me for my friend who had died - the 2nd person I hadn't known as well but I found myself in floods of tears. People almost expect it a funeral - what they didn't know was my tears were for a completely different person. This was only the beginning but a useful one at that. When I go to funerals now I use the time to think about all the people I have lost and celebrate them in my head. A certain song also reminds me of my friend and it still makes me upset to hear it - less and less each year though - he killed himself at christmas so i get to hear the song loads each year and i will always think of him every time I hear it.

Tiny Tears is right about the caring for others thing - I hate myself and can't face/be bothered to look after myself but will bend over backwards to do things for others. it is also quite easy to pick up if other people are depressed around me and to try and help them - even if only listening - I remember the first time I found out one of my friends was also on meds - such a relief to realise I wasn't alone in feeling like this.

I do waffle don't I - anyway never forget you can talk here if nothing else. I hate not having internet for half the week but will keep in touch when I can. Take care of yourself - will be thinking of you. x

u r all so kind thank u

Hi Shadow....just wondered how you are?

Its obvious to me that you put other people before yourself. Think a little about it. You would not have thanked us for being such kind people!!

I hope you are managing a little better..one day , one minute , one hour at a time, its long and painful, isnt it?

i am having bad thoughts but hoping they will pass. Take care, Tiny Tears

(Thank you for saying that they were kind words!)