Who am I, and what do I want?

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Hi everyone. Katy I read in another thread your feelings about your partner, his lack of compassion, his deaf father who has apparently become part of the furniture etc., his total lack of care for you.

Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

My 32 year marriage ended when I filed for divorce after trying unsuccessfully to get my ex to address some education issues (among many things, but this was the catalyst) with our youngest daughter, then 7, now 10. I got to the point where I realised the only way I could provide for my daughter to be a happy, sport-playing, well adjusted contributing member of the community was to have the Court impose an order that I have time with her. I have not seen or spoken to my daughter for more than 12 months, because of my ex's intransigence.

I did not realise the bitterness that would ensue from my ex. Without access to my little girl, off work through injury, down I went to where depression took over and prevented rational thought, sleep, decision making or action to help myself. I was a mess, unable to prevent myself from crying at silly things, forgetting to take my meds and forgetting to pay bills.

In an effort to try making things better, I decided to correspond with a person, gender unknown, in Germany who had advertised on the net looking for an Australian penfriend. I did NOT want another relationship, had decided that all that was in the past, but wanted to correspond with someone from Europe because we in Australia tend to be quite parochial in our outlook at times.

After writing many, many emails to each other I realised that I really cared for and well, I had fallen in love with Bree. She and I have holidayed together and I will go to Germany soon to be with her. We talk to each other at least twice a day.

My point is Katy, you do not have to put up with a lack of love in your life, nor do you have to wear the insensitivity of your \"partner\". If it's broken and you honestly cannot see a way to fix it, or if it just is not worth it, for God's sake move out or kick him out. You will need to have a competent medical professional nearby for a while.

Please, after all this time, take time out to think about you. And after you have acted, and later found another man who will see the loving, caring wonderful girl behind the emails or whatever, at some point you may well ask yourself, \"Why did I cop that crap for so long?\"

You have a great sense of humour, Katy, and have helped others in this forum with your candid and caring posts. This life is your life. Make it the best you can sweetheart. xxx

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  • Posted

    Excellent post Breezman.

    I got out of my very unhappy marriage after 22 years. He wasn't abusive physically though mentally over the years he reduced me to a nervous wreck.

    His ability to discipline the children was nil - if I was ill and over the years I've suffered a few pretty serious illness, he never showed any love or care for me.

    Thankfully we are now able to talk - get along better than we ever did before. Probably because I finally got out and don't have to face his stubborn pig headedness any more.

    Also, thankfully, my children are both old enough to decide who they want to see and when - neither of us have stopped them or suggested who or when they see us. My youngest spends every weekend with her dad. My eldest quite often spends Saturdays with him. Being our first christmas as a 'broken family', I invited him to spend christmas day with us for the kids sakes.

    I had wanted to leave him for years but never had the courage. Even the day I left and was having the last of my things moved out I became very emotional but it didn't stop me because deep down I knew I was doing the right thing by everybody involved.

    I told myself I would never get involved with another man and yet hear I am finding myself drawn very close to one-one that loves me unconditionally- is always there to support me- support my desicions without giving his two pennys worth. He is also my soul mate- something I didn't believe really existed.

    With depression and anxiety I think you have to find the root of the problem - if on finding it, you discover it is your partner, then yes, leave them. However, it could well be that a partner is the one that gets the blame for everything because he/she is the one you feel closest to and trust the most. They become your punch bag - someone you can let it all out on.

    Conclusion: Katy if you are 100% sure that you are no longer happy with your partner and you see no way of ever being happy with him again then get out and stay out! Look after number 1 - YOU!

    Right, panic is calming down so going to try and get a few more hours sleep.

    Love

    Melbi xxx

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  • Posted

    Sory Breezman and Melbi, I just found this thread and thank you 2 for both being so caring.

    Yes, i am a very confused at the moment about my situation, and at the moment I am feeling the panic. My parents divorced when I was 11 and I just do not want to hurt my children for life. My feelings are mad on this, as I put my girls on this planet and I really dont want to damage them . At the moment they are both happy, little angels, especially when considering the little gob////s that exist now. I dont know whether it is my depression that makes me come out with all these horrible things about my partner or whether its just I ahve started to recognise that his behaviour is unjustified. Panic panic panic, I think when a man,like mine knows exactly what I went through, but has taken it upon himself not to believe me, that he thinks its finsd to push , hit , shove, strangle slap and ban me form money and I feel so ashamed cause | dont know what I am doing. he is lovely to my childrena aand a real charmer when it comes to him being Mr nice guy. OOOOOO so scared and confused and I think that thing under my ribs is about to explode. My problem is I dont know If I am 100% sure sbout what to do. I dont understand his actions art the moment, and Idont know whether it is him or if it is me.

    Lasy year my mum was really ill, and I just couldnt cope , it was like sh*t yes a reminder that we are not invinsible,., that one day we will die, and God, I couldnt cope all I remeber about that time was having my hands in my bloody kitchen sink and thinking Iam going to loose it..I did. I shouted at my partner , like hlep me but they would be more rants about how unfair my life was/is and he would just tell me that I was a mad crazy lazy bitch and that I needed a shrink. It got to a stage where he would threaten me, at this stage he had not really done anything to bad, a few things but nothing I had not seen before. So instead of having his support I shunted him out as he was not supporting me. I would have to getthe bus to seem y mum at home or in hospital as I cannot drive as I have been tolld that my vision is to bad...though they cannot register me blindd....blah blah blah. i would help her as much as I could, but felt that i was useless aroudn her and felt like an awful lot of secrets were being kept. Mum got soo ill after her classroom burnt down by sum we gob////it!!!!

    Anyway, I would come home to find mess everywhere, clothes toys everything everywhere, and then find that I was utterly exhausted, found I could not bare him touching me, found the sex thing to difficult to even discuss. He kept saying come on you know you like it as he would shove my head down below, god I should have bitten it then, give it a right hard bite so he had lost feeling in it (LOL). So now I cant go near hi,m. One night he got really drunk and tried it on, i was pretty rat faced myself, and the last thing gaga me wanted was bluh yuck sex! Honestly the times when I have felt so forced into doing it with him and the amount of times after I have just thrown up or had the runds, it all sends shivers down my spine, but whether my past is just haunting me, or whether its the way i see his behaviour that is wrong, he has not been supportive!!!

    According to him I am twisted and I get his angry face hovering over me, I get scared my heart races , I cant fight back, there is very litttle point.. I just feel lonely ...what do you people think, do you think its me that needs the help or is it him.??..I am so confused. I am also aware that I ahve always reached for the alcohol as a means of coping with my difficulties. I dont know what to think anymore, but thank you for your caring posts. I just dont know what to do!!! :roll: :cry: :cry: :x :cry:

    there is more to tell, but i need a rest. I am scared that if I try and get out of this, it will all back fire on me, he is a stong, manipulative, opportunist....and I am frightened. Don

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy,

    I am going to attempt to answer the issues in your post in the same order as you have raised them.

    The fact that your parents divorced and it was traumatic for you is probably as a result of the fact that they did not or could not explain to you that the problem was theirs, not yours. I suspect it would be much more traumatic for your children to love you and your partner but not be able to understand why he is treating you like a common tramp in front of them. You need to get out of this relationship, at least for a while. You will never address the fundamental problems with him reiterating your faults (real and imagined) at every opportunity.

    Domestic violence is a very broad term, but it doesn't have to be that broad in your case. This man is not morally or legally entitled to \"push, hit, shove, strangle, slap, and ban [me] from money ..\" He may turn on the charm to your kids, but how do they feel when they hear him abusing you, and you shouting at him? And do you think they don't know that Mummy is upset/ashamed/humiliated in that bedroom where she lies with their step-dad? Kids are sensitive and astute. They know.

    Of course you couldn't cope when your Mum was ill. She was there for you and you love her, and yes we are mortal. For your partner to see you crying out for help, and all he could offer was, you are a \"mad crazy lazy bitch ... [needing] a shrink\"; I mean, come on Katy, you deserve better than that. At the very least he could hold you in his arms and let you know he is there for you. I wonder why you suffer from depression?

    After 5 kids I know what it's like to trip over toys, and I always bribed my kids to get them to clean up their mess. A new book, a circus, a trip to the library or swimming pool or Youth Club, a Walkman, new CD's, learning to drive ... there was always something I could offer as an inducement, and it worked. And these things don't have to cost heaps. Take your kids for a walk in the park. You get some fresh air, they know you love them, he isn't there ... and it's free. My kids loved the swings. I had biceps like Arnie Schwarzenegger (that's an exaggeration) but the kids loved it and squealed when they went really high. There are lots of things to do together which will bring your kids closer to you and will work against both the depression and the alcohol.

    I have never forced myself on a girl and never would. To me, this is neither animal lust nor simple passion. It is an exercise of power. \"I can do what I like, bitch, and you'll do it my way or ...\" He doesn't need help, he needs two large brothers of yours (hope you have 2 large bros) to \"persuade\" him to treat you better. This is his problem, not yours. If he cared for you he would treat you tenderly and gently and would take you out for a candle-lit dinner, show you he loves you, and at some point you might just want to love him. Either way, he will never win your love or respect by forcing you to comply. What you feel now is not love, it's dependence on account of your daughters. My advice: move on, and take your daughters with you. But explain to them why. eg, \"You know that (step-dad) and Mum both love you, and we always will, but we are having some disagreements lately and neither of us want to see you hurt, so we've decided to separate so we can all be happier.\" That's pretty much what I told my little girl. I said, \"Do you understand sweetheart?\", and she replied, \"Sure Dad. Lots of kids at school have 2 Mums and 2 Dads.\" God bless her cotton socks! She was 7 at the time.

    So check out the women's refuges, see what government help is available, ask the question, \"If my eyesight isn't good enough to drive, what help is available to me?\" This is survival mode, Katy, for you and your beautiful daughters. You need to get out of this relationship!!! If I was your brother I woul

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  • Posted

    :shock: Breezman youtalk a lot of sense I just wish I could just do!! I need to. I dont have bros, I have abig sister but she live miles away. I know that eventually my determination to get out will take over, but at the mo...its almost like I am in denial!! thank you for your kind words, Melbi said she had deleted it or something..i dont mind . Glad you read it so you could talk. breezman, take care, keep in touch I might come back later!! But most of all thank you!!
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  • Posted

    Hi Katy,

    We care, we can see you are in a dark place at the moment, we are here for you. Perhaps you need to take time out and ask yourself what you want, decide on a small goal, like buying your daughters a complete new outfit each at Xmas. Then go looking in shops or catalogues for what you want. Don't worry about prices, just look, and tell yourself every day, at 1:00 pm or a time you choose, that you are going to do this. You will be amazed at what your subconscious will do with constant reaffirmation even if you don't consciously believe it's possible.

    Or another goal. It doesn't have to be huge, or small, or even achievable at this time. If you repeat it often enough, it will become achievable. Trust me on this, if you don't set a goal you are living life by a roll of the dice. What can it hurt? The only thing is, you must look inside for the clue to what you want.

    Look after you Katy. xxx

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  • Posted

    Breezman, normally I would have picked the pieces up by now, ni matter what happens in my life, I am normally much stronger and dont give up. This time its not so straightforward.

    I am not working anymore, I had to give my job up as , I could not cope with everything at home and my mum beinf sick and his manipulative behaviour. Now there is no food, struggling to make the toilet paper last , i am coming out inloads of spots and oOh god, what a mess!!!!!!!

    I have lost my willpower to fight, my determination to get out and make life better for my children. Everything seems so pointless. Words that he has said to me just whirl round my head, i dont why it hurts so bad , maybe its as he is my childrens father, and they are the closest people I have. I love my children so so much , I cant stand him for putting me in this position and for thinking he can get away with it. Maybe I am storing up energy to get the get up and go fight that I need to correct my life...I dunno. Though I am not feeling very well and frankly just want my bed. breezman, your messages are good for me, thank you, i find them reassuring, I hope you can sort things out so you can see your little girl! Why does it have to be so difficult???

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  • Posted

    Katy, you are a good mum in a bad situation. You love your kids. That's a positive. And it is hard, and I miss my little girl terribly. But I get through one day at a time, and I tell myself every morning and every night that I will provide for my daughter and will have her with me soon. And I will.

    Melbi made a very good point to me recently that really hit home. She said I could suffer with depression and get access to my daughter, but being subject to the whims of drugs or booze would keep her away from me. That is not a quote, but the message was clear: Get off the whiskey and stay off it. I have not touched it since, and I have two full bottles and a half empty one in my fridge. (Thank you again Melbi).

    It's because I'm so clear in my mind about this one thing. The rest of my life is a pot-holed road through the mist, but I'm clear about doing whatever it takes to provide for my daughter.

    And I have been able to think so much clearer without the negative blasts from my ex. Keep posting Katy. Incidentally, your post which was deleted was not offensive nor too explicit, I thought. But it gave a depth to your situation which I understand and which I could never have understood without it. Your partner may be a control freak, but you do not have to cop it!

    Try to focus on one thing that you would love to have. It will introduce some positive thoughts, and you can build on them. Have one less glass of wine today, see the lovely woman behind the face in the mirror. She was there once, she is still there now, but she is hidden by layers of guilt, inability to focus, fear of loss of love, fear of the unknown future, feelings of failure and inadequacy. But she is still there, waiting for you to let her out. So you've put on a few pounds. You are the only woman in the Northern Hemisphere who has ... or are you??? Gotta go to bed, hope to sleep, it's nearly midnight. Hang in there Katy. xxx

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  • Posted

    8) Breezman, I downloaded the berry music. its good!! I Particulsrly like Ocotber. Iam stillwaiting on my big sis to come home!!! i do all the worrying sbout her, just for my parents. You make a sound daddy, let your children , no matter what age, 31, or 32 etc, tell you anything they want. Iam going to my dads tom, he has boundaries, so I anint going to say much, My step mum suffered breast cancer when my second child, Becca , turned one. it was very horrible, as I know how much my dad loves her, he was crying down the phone and I was really sad for my dad, as I love him , He has always been great to me, in more ways than you could know!

    My dad does not seem to see himself as a parent anymore, he sees we are grown adults and that it is our journey, I think he has a point , but it does not stop me seeking affection from or an understanding from outsider. maybe he would understand, but I dont reckon he would be able to cope with it, His own mother abised him and I think he runs away from this stuff , as he cannot deal with his own past....would you agree?

    My dad is seen as a very volatle man by my mother, but I dont think he is. I know he did things to her which were unaccpetable, but hey my mother had an affair! So who am I to judge!

    my dad is a great man, and its almost like he knows how sh*t ive been feeling. He did a painting of my girls..beatiful...and then he did one of me...they are all hanging in some art gallery..Yeah , I think maybe he should have asked my permission cause of paedophiles etc, but I find it so flatterring, and think and want to cry and reALISATION OF HOW MUCH HE ACTUALLY LOVES US ALL. My dad is my haven , the bird that saved me form hell, violent or not, he would chase the school bullies for me, he protected me. If he finds out my reality , i am scared of what he might do, though I think He would not do!!! Anyway, just to say, you are a cooldad and thank you for the music, take care and I hope you see your daughter soon. Luv TT

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy,

    Yes I like October too. But the whole album is brilliant, isn't it. I tend to be a bit like your Dad with my older kids. If they want to talk to me that's fine, but I would not interfere in their lives now.

    My parents mistreated me and my cloasest sister when we were young, but my grandfather was rock solid for me and I was very close to him. And I still have trouble coping with parents who were so disloyal to me which I guess is another reason why I want to look after my 10 year old. And I try to block out my childhood, so I suppose I agree with you about your Dad.

    I guess any man would react with the knowledge that he had been betrayed. It makes your Dad human, no less.

    One thing I would say about this, is it doesn't matter how big your kids grow, you always have memories of them throwing their little arms around your neck and saying \"I love you Daddy\", before scampering off to play again. And the funny things they came out with whenthey were little. So your Dad would know instinctively that you relationship is not working. He may even blame himself for showing by example that divorce is an answer. Emotions are complex, but he loves his little girl and yet he cannot reach out to pick her up, kiss her forehead and assurte her it's alright, because he would probably be like me. I would never intervene between man and wife unless the man was physically violent (so that I would see the result), or if my daughter asked me to. I most certainly would give safe haven to any of my kids if they asked, and I would go looking for the partner to tell him and explain why he was not to harass her. Regardless of how big, violent or whatever the man might be. Not because I am violent, I am not. But I believe a lot can be accomplished by explaining things before it gets to bared fangs at 2 paces.

    Your life will get better Katy. It won't be with your present partner, but at some point you will move on and you will feel such relief!!! For the moment, take one day at a time. Glad you like the music. Look after you too Katy. xxx

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  • Posted

    Breezman, Iwish icould talk to my dad like I have typed my messages. My dads mum,,, well,,,he told me never to tell anyone, but his mum was schizophrenic,,, she abused them her two soms,; black and blue. My dads brother commited suicide cause he built up loads of debt, his dad became a drunl , they bothended up in a home. I hope toogod he does not find this, as I have never been allowed to tell his story, either, His dad was also a gambler!. I love my dad as ie stillseems rariona afterall this, but , when I rang him to say that a guy is following me hiome.etc.he could not cope, nderastanably,,, he was right to feel this way!! My dads dad ended dead on the streets, age 47, alcholism /heart attack. The only close family ive evr had ws eith my aunt, she was unable tro have children, she looked after my mum for a while, but escaped, but her partner could not provide, sothen she adorted, those weee bastards. though , I loveem, made her life helll!! And she was 7 yrs older than my mum. Sjhhe ewas 15 whrn shhhe losyther mum, she never got over it!!!Yet shes th eonly woman that ever paid mee enough attention to cut up a tomatoe. I loved her, soo soomuch, io wanted to be by her side through her pain, she died the wekkend i waaas due to nurse her. I rember the feeling, heearing my mum screaming, so I switched my headphones on , to hear Seal..I cant and willnever kisten ti that nusic again!

    Myheartbleeds, i feel thieved and could not care less, this is bad!!!

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  • Posted

    Hi Katy,

    The real beauty of this forum is anonymity. I can discuss my impotence problems here but I would die a thousand deaths if yiou knew my real identity. That is why I can be honest and lay it all out, and it is therapeutic, in a way, to see that I am not the only man who suffers from this side-effect of Citalopram. It allows meto gain a perspective about what these drugs do to us.

    I have a close friend who is scizophrenic. I understand the feelings of one who is close to this problem, as I have agonised with his partner over what is best for him. He is institutionalised now, after having shot himself causing blindnessin one eye and some minor brain damage.It is a tragedy but it is not a situation beyond repair.

    Katy, the fact that your aunt died the weekend you were to nurse her does not mean that it was your fault that she died. SHe is at peace now, and she would want you to be happy.

    Do you realise that your children deserve to be happy? Do you realise that unless you can be happy with them and for them, that they too will feel guilt one day because they could not somehow magically make you happy?

    Imagine, Katy. Imagine one day when you can feel loved with the right partner, when you can look back on this time as a horrible but necessary time in your life. Horrible because it is; necessary because it is this torture which will ultimately push you to strive for something better.

    Don't give up Katy. You are a worthwhile human being, you are a good mother who is just a bit depressed at the moment, you are a nice person with a great sense of humour. I have seen this first hand! Your daughters love you and need you. Your partner is a b*stard to put you in this situation where he defines your value in your mind. Think of your kids with you, not with you and him. Think how you can mold their lives without this negative influence. You don't need lots of money, you need lots of love. And they need lots of love too; they don't need to be pawns in a bizarre exercise of macho bull.

    Take care of you, Katy. xxx

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  • Posted

    katy..havent spoken for a while. you are such a funny kind person who deserves nice people around you..both virtually and in real life...why shouldnt you???

    i wish i could give you a big hug kt...maybe one day a few of us could literally meet up?

    keep posting hun..you funny lovable lady that you are!!

    ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

    to kt!!

    love aly xxxxx

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  • Posted

    Hi Aly,

    What a wonderful warm post! I agree, I wish we could give each other a big hug and feel the reassurance that comes with it.

    Katy, I have laid out my personal details here as you know, which I could never do face to face with a friend. It is therapeutic! Try to focus on the positives, love your kids, get rid of your partner or move out, love your kids, look after yourself, love your kids .... ie, get yourself better so that you can care for them. You can do this Katy! And remember to look after you. xxx

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  • Posted

    I agree, one day to arrange a time we could all meet up offline.

    Would you be able to arrange a plane trip Breezman? Or shall we all fly out to you :D

    I have arranged a few offline meets amongst online friends in the past and can get discounts on hotels for parties of people meeting up from the internet :wink:

    Melbi xxx

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