Why can't I break the habit?

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Why can't i brake these habits? I've been drinking quite alot this last week, and i cut myself yesterday. I feel so useless, everything seems like to much effort. i have homework to do for this week, and have to do something each day that is just for me. Things like read a magazine or go for a walk. I started to cry coz even these things seem to hard to do.

I need to try harder, i'm just wallowing at the moment. I really don't know what i'm going to do!

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36 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi OrbFairy

    I'm so sorry to heat of your struggles with depression and the effects it is having on you.

    Now, for goodness sake, please, please don't think for one minute that I have gone and completely lost my senses.

    First, let me explain a little about my problem/s.

    Lasy year a suffered anxiety and depression for several months - did the CBT, took the AD's and spent some time away from work. I posted day and night on PUKE along with others who too were suffering as I was.

    The depression lifted around July/August, although I am still quite vulnerable and quite often feel myself slipping again.

    Next thing: In October I woke one morning to this most awful pain in my shoulder. The pain is still there and prevents me from doing most everyday things without the use of strong painkillers. I'm due to have an injection in it though, so fingers crossed!

    Anyway, the pain was so bad yestreday that in the evening I decided to search the WWW to find something that might ease the pain for myself - somes sort of self help like exercise etc.

    What I did come across was something called 'tapping'. Huh? You might ask - I was thinking what the hell??????

    Okay, so anyone who knows how desperate we become wit our ailments or problems, we are willing to give anything a go. A free 'have ago' is even better!

    I clicked the site and read more about the tapping process then clicked the free video to try it for myself. I have never felt so silly in all my life and quite understood why the guy on the video suggested you do this when alone so as not to have others look as you like you have lost the plot!

    I stuck at it and did it a few times. Nothing happened - pain was still there :oops:

    Still interested in the tapping process I looked at what they use this process for and hey! Depression is one of them.

    I didn't try it for that as at the moment I can't really say I'm depressed, fed up (yes, with the pain) but not depressed.

    So I went on and found a video of tapping on you tube that is for pain management.

    Well? I can't say it helped the pain there and then, but wait......I have woke this morning, when the shoulder is usually quite stiff and painful and nothing! I can raise it above my head - hurts a little to put my arm around my back still bt no pain when moving it to the front.

    It could very well be a coincidence - I do have good days and bad days, but even on the good days, I never have as much pain free movement as I seem to have this morning.

    Now as I mentioned earlier, as humans, when we feel desperate, we will try anything.

    Can I please, please ask if you will try it out and let me know if it appears to do anything for you?

    Others too! Would anyone reading this, please give it a go and let me know what you think.

    (Click Here)

    Thank you so very much and wishing you all the very best for the future

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    Tapping! Seriously! I don't mean to be rude and i'm very happy for you if this has worked for your shoulder, but as a cure for depression!

    I'm trying to get used to the fact that this is an illness and not just all in my head, that i'm weak and a failure, and i'm not sure that tapping myself around the head is gonna make me feel better.

    Has anyone tried this? could it work?

    I mean your right, i do get desperate, i'm on here coz i have noone else to talk to, this is my only voice at the moment.

    could this really work?

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  • Posted

    Hi orbfairy

    I don't know if it works or not, that is why I'm asking you to try it. I can assure you the pain in my shoulder isn't in my head lol. As I said in my first post to you, it could just be a coincidence that my shoulder was less painful this morning as some days the pain is worse than others.

    I'm sorry if you saw my post as a suggestion that your illness is in your head (although in fact as it is an imbalance of chemicals......)

    Of course you don't have to try it - I am just merely interested in this technique and seriously interested in knowing if it does work for depression or not.

    I apologise if you misread the whole point of my post and I'm even more sorry that your illness has encouraged you to take my post in a negative way. :oops:

    Wishing you all the best for the future

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    Incidentally, the tapping positions are the same for pain as they are for mental illnesses, so tapping the head has nothing what so ever to do with depression being 'all in the head'.


    [i:442ff13d2e]'How does it work?

    According to Dr. Callahan’s theory, whenever we think of something, we are effectively tuning in a specific “Thought Field” in much the same way as a TV must be tuned in to receive a specific channel. Held within that energy field are the coded information patterns used by the mind and body to generate the entire emotional experience associated with that thought. This is why the experience is always identical – the same “instructions” are followed each time. Dr. Callahan has named these “perturbations” (from a dictionary definition of the word – “a cause of mental disquietude”). By tapping on the correct meridian treatment points in a specific sequence these perturbations can be deactivated, thereby “switching off” the emotional experience. The individual can now think about what troubled them as much as they like as memory remains unaffected – but the negative emotion (anxiety, anger, guilt, etc.) associated with it will no longer be present.'[/i:442ff13d2e]

    Taken from: http://www.tappingtherapy.co.uk/about-tft.html

    I hope you find the above more informative than my original post :oops:


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  • Posted


    I'm so sorry if i've offended you. Yet again i've gone on the defensive and taken everything in a bad way.

    My Dad died when i was 13 and that left me with my alcoholic mum, who herself was suffering with depression after she discovered her mum when she commited suicide. My Mum then cut herself of emotionally from her kids, no affection and picked holes in everything i did. She drank heavily, would go out most nights and would pick fights with us. Then she met someone. I was a typical moody 15 yr old who didnt take well to him, and he dispised me. He would spend his nights telling my mum and me what a useless piece of s*it i was, how i would never achieve anything. He tried to get my mum to kick me out, so i had to leave college and get a job to start paying my way.

    Over the years i have made bad deceisions with friends and relationships.

    Friends have disappeared because they have more interesting things to do, and blokes ( if you are a bloke please look away now) really are evil creatures.

    Upto present day, and i have a really deep seated idea of myself, i hate myself. It's not just that i have negative thoughts! I have to train myself to think differently which is really hard to do! It makes everything i want so unobtainable because i dont trust anyone.

    Again i am sorry and should have seen your post for the advice that it was and not someone having a go. sad

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  • Posted

    Bless you orb fairy

    You haven't offended me - that is a promise.

    I should have worded my post more carefully but I do also appreciate that depression can make us see everything in a negative light - Im an expert at seeing the negatives before the postives :oops:

    I'm so sorry to hear of your very difficult life experiences, sadly they can and do have a lasting effect on us but please don't think that this always has to be the case.

    Have you been offered CBT? It isn't an easy option but having read your latest post I'm wondering if perhaps that route could help you on your road to recovery.

    Keep posting here - I found that helped me tremendously and there are some very kind and supportive people here.

    Stay strong

    Melbi x

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  • Posted


    I'm seeing a psychologist at the alcohol unit and they're arranging an appointment with a psychiatrist so they can assess my depression.

    It's been a long road to even get this far and at the moment recovery seems a very long time off. I'm taking flu at the moment but it doesn't seem to be working.

    Thanks for your reply, i wouldn't have spoke to me again.lol smile

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  • Posted

    LOL, if I ignored all negatives, I'd have to ignore myself :shock:

    You have said nothing to cause offence or reason to ignore you.

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    Hi there,

    Yesterday was the first day of my homework, and i managed to complete it! Yeah! I had coffee morning with my nieghbour and in the afternoon i made a lemon cheesecake. I know that this probably sounds very silly but i feel really good this morning, like i've achieved something.

    I hope i can keep this up for the week, just have to stay focused.

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  • Posted

    Good morning orb fairy

    Not at all - it sounds very much like you had an excellent day - that is brilliant news :D

    It is all about taking one step at a time.

    What is really good is the fact you have recognised some good feelings as with depression we can all too easily fall into the trap of forgetting or not recognising when we have achieved something (no matter how small or large the achievement)

    I applaud you and I'm really happy for you.

    Here is to you having another good day.

    Take the bull by the horns - you can beat this illness.

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    Hi Melbi

    Thanks very much, its not often i hear a well done without the 'but'.

    I've just got to learn to walk before i can run.

    Thanks again, your comment has lifted me up. smile

    Hope your well.

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  • Posted

    Hi there Orb Fairy/Melbi

    just wanted to say that I'm pleased that yesterday was good for you. It must have been contagious cause I also had a good one. I didn't think doing a tax return could make me feel [u:0678a326af]that[/u:0678a326af] happy but it has been hanging over me for ages and to actually do it all by myself, well it's the first thing I have done for quite a long time that is positive.

    I have tried to keep it going today even though I had an EDU assessment today and had to have some stitches taken out as well.

    Hope you are both well and have a good weekend :D :wink:


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  • Posted

    Hi Girl,

    How r u? i must admit that a tax return sounds slightly more impressive than a lemon cheesecake.LOL but i suppose its the fact that we set ourselves a task and been able to complete it.

    Sorry to hear about your stitches. I understand that the urge just gets far to much to ignore.

    Keep up the good work, and mind that there is someone taking small steps everyday with you.

    Take care and have a good weekend.

    The orb fairy.xx

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  • Posted

    Hi orb fairy

    Thank you for your kind comment, I'm glad my words lifted you. :D

    I didn't have time to add the but as I was running late so here goes.........

    LOL only joking..... no buts from me :D :D :D :D

    I know how difficult it can be and how easily we can fall into that dark hole and yet sometimes it can be the simplest of things that can lift us again.

    I can become an emotional wreck if someone i know walks past me withot speaking. I'll worry and worry myself to the point of making myself ill. Now that I recognise that trait in me, I can either convince myself they were so full of their own problems or very busy that they didn't even notice me or I'll give them a ring and ask if they are okay.

    It all sounds so very, very silly as I type it, but this is me and I have had to learn to deal with it - mainly with the help of CBT.

    I think (but this is just my own personal opinion) that once we can start to face up to our weaknesses (should I call them weaknesses?) Our character? Personality? Or even recognise ourselves for what we are, then that is the point at which we can start to deal with what we see as our problems, face them head on and hopefully learn how to cope with our feelings of negativity, sadness, worry, stress etc.

    I have also found that once I realised that my parents failings as parents (as I saw them as failings) were not my failings/problem, I was able to move on and start being me - not what my parents wanted or expected me to be.

    Of course, my parents didn't really fail me - they did what they thought was best for me as their child - like every parent, they wanted the best for me :roll:

    We all have ghosts in our closets, most people can shrug them off and think nothing of them. some of us seem to dwell on them or blame them for what we are today.

    I think I'm learning now to not be what everybody else expects me to be. I am far more relaxed just being me and learning to cope with other people and thir attitudes when they don't like me for who I am - in a nutshell - tough! We can't expect to be liked by every single person we come into contact with; We are going to disappoint our parents, children, friends etc from time to time - we are human.

    Finally, to survive in this world, we have to be selfish from time to time and think about ourselves and put ourselves first. (I bet Hilary is proud of me if she reads this lol)

    I make mistakes more or less on a daily basis! Be it being moody and short fused with my family after a hard day at work, or being too busy to stop and listen to someone at work due to my own workload. But hey! I'm human and I don't go out of my way to be horrible or make these errors, its just a human trait :oops:

    Gosh, and now I look up at my computer screen and see I've babbled on and on and probably bored you half to death! :roll: Sorry! :shock:

    Now, if you weren't depressed before reading my rambling - I bet you are now :oops: :oops: :oops:

    Girl, it's good to see your positive post - keep going, 5 back 2 forward but we will all get there in the end. :D

    Have a good weekend to the both of you and any lurkers who are reading this thinking I'm crazy and you are quite normal LOL.

    Melbi x

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  • Posted

    Hi Melbi

    You very nearly had me there!LOL

    Rambling on is good! i do it all the time and then forget the point to my story. I often get caught talking to myself which is always really embarrasing!

    I've only just started my treatment so i'm still at a stage where i feel like i'm war with myself. i often worry about what other people think of me, and i dont know why. On one hand i'm quite proud to be a little bit different and sometimes i will go out of my way to be the ginger rockchick who lifes at the bottom of the street, door always open, music playing(depending on what time of day it is i censor what i play) and some random child sat in my front room playing with all the toys! (it's never my own child, shes always out playing) That gives me a really warm feeling inside and makes me proud of who i am. Then other days i cant leave the house because i'm such an outcast. i get really upset and then i just feel like the mad ginger rockchick who talks to herself.

    On days like this i push myself far to hard, i have to be the perfect. i work full time and then i've got to clean the house top to bottom, make an top rate 3 course meal for our tea and be the perfect mum and then be the man of the house by doing all the odd jobs like fixing the drawer and changing a fuse.

    Of course all this is impossible, but i make myself ill if i cant do it!

    LOL now i've really depressed everyone :oops:

    I need to learn to accept myself, it's ok to be me.

    Right now i've bored everyone stupid, i'll wish you a good and positive weekend. Today feels like a good day, might dance around in the front room today with the sprog!

    Girl, i hope you're well and you have a good weekend. :D

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